HEMP ROPE

Not a special person.

 

"Because you're tying him to you as a special person."

 

"Now you're bothered because he's about to run away from being a 'special person,' right?"

 

"I don't want it."

 

Phawin felt his whole world waver, his ears ringing. The young man in front turned blurry. Everything might become too late because of his hesitation.

 

"Team......"

 

The young man put a slightly trembling palm on Win's lips. He smiled at Win, whose face looked like the entire world was crumbling. Team repositioned the guitar in his arms. The eyes of the kid who brought him so many headaches were red and wavering no less than Win's.

 

".. I want you to listen to this song."

 

The silver strings moved, producing sound, along with a song sung in an unsteady, hoarse voice. Team believed he was now using all his life's courage to open up to someone.

 

If I haven't said it today, 

Say love to you,

It'll be unbearable. 

I don't know how to keep it in, 

The more I wait, the more I want.

 

Could their relationship be more?

 

More than everyone,

More than a special someone, 

I want to know where I stand,

What am I to you?

 

Not senior and junior,

Not clubmate,

Not just a special someone.

 

Can I use the word love with you?

I want to say, miss you, with you only,

I want to say love to you every day.

I'll say it again and again, I love you, love you, 

Is that possible? Let me know!

 

“….”

 

"Hia, you can't answer everyone's wish...and not everyone can love you."

His eyes burned with overwhelming feelings he'd been keeping at bay. Team pursed his lips, then slowly but clearly said. "But I want you to know that her...."

 

"You have me, who loves you."

"If you don't dare to make a move, I will."

"If you're afraid to love, I will love you first."

 

The tears he'd been holding gathered at the corner of his eyes before they fell.

 

"If I'm not good enough...' I'll tr..."

"Enough!"

 

Team's eyes went wide as his body held so tightly he could hardly breathe. The young man gasped for air, returning the gesture. He buried his face in the trembling arms.

 

"Sorry, I'm sorry," Phawin repeated. The memories of a junior who'd been bothering his heart reminded him of what he had been feeling.

 

"Hia, may I sleep with you?"

"Hia, what's your favourite drink? Tell me, I'll memorise it."

"Mocha Frappuccino. Half-pump sweet with whipped!"

 

Like how Waan and Dean had scolded him, no matter how many times, he was kind to everyone, but he forgot about his own feelings. Worse...he forgot to care about those who were close to him. He wore a good-guy mask but repeatedly hurt those he loved, often selfishly. 

 

A big hand rubbed Team's back. Win kissed Team's temple again and again. "Sorry. Sorry for making you worried. Sorry for scaring you."

 

"..Hia." The young man looked up at him in confusion. Win cradled his moist cheeks. His eyes were red and teary, no different from his.

 

"You don't have to try anymore."

 

It was as if the stream of the river had swept away all his worries. Phawin smiled before lowering his head to Team's forehead, feeling the other's breath.

 

"I love you, do you hear that, you stupid kid?"

 

"I love you, I love you so damn much. Not just someone special."

 

"Ngh."

"Do you understand what I'm saying?"

 

Team nodded, tears streaming down his face with sobs instead of answers. 

 

"You are good enough, Team. So good that I feel like I'm not good enough for you….”

 

Maybe it was the smell of liquor that stirred up their emotions and tears.

 

"I'm the cowardly one." Win shed Team's tears. "Hurting you this much."

 

"Ngh."

 

"You got this emotional trait from Pharm? Crying your eyes out."

 

He wiped the tears from Team's eyes, which were as red as those of a rabbit. Win laughed when Team glared at him.

 

"You too, Hia." Team reached out to wipe away Win's tear stains.

 

"Your eyes are redder than mine."

 

Two crybabies ended up laughing at each other in amusement, as well as at how awful they looked. People would think they were so drunk and had lost their minds. But no, their minds were crystal clear.

 

"Team"

 

"Huh?"

 

"Be my boyfriend."

 

".....”

 

"Yeah."

 

It was such a simple word he'd been waiting for so long. Two hearts melted into one. Phawin touched his junior-turned-boyfriend on his cheek, his fingertip stroking it before stopping at Win's lips. His sharp face leaned down, pressing hot lips on Team's, crushing and snuggling it.

 

"Hello there, boyfriend", Win waggled his brow.

 

Team chuckled and pressed a fervent kiss. "Sure thing." Phawin bared his teeth; he was so annoyed that he had to ruffle Team's hair, roughly so. Sweet love had now turned into a quarrel. Less than ten minutes later, they both carried each other and disappeared into their room, leaving the nature and sound of the night river behind.

 

"What's wrong?" Bee woke up at the sound of the door opening, but A didn't return to his bed. Bee got up while Sea rolled to see what was going on. A was in front of the door, his face pensive.

 

"Just now...I saw P'Win and Team kiss." His face twisted in confusion. "I don't think it's for encouragement?"

 

Sea rolled his eyes. He beckoned for his friend to return to his bed. A did as he was told, coming back to sit between two friends. But he wouldn't be able to sleep without an answer tonight. Bee turned serious "Ok, listen to me."

 

Sea got himself up, too. "It's time you know the truth." Leaving A in the dark longer than this might bring trouble later.

 

And among the stars tonight, a yell from one of the rooms was louder than the sound of the river.

 

"Enough, we're going to the waterfall tomorrow." 

 

Team pulled a hand from his waist and pushed his newly official boyfriend away with his feet. They hadn't been apart since entering their room. The raft felt like it was on fire.

 

"You." Win grouched. Once Team's affectionate mode was over, it was really over. Damn. "Just a hug, nothing more than that."

 

Team studied his senior. Once he made sure his boundaries wouldn't be crossed, he opened his arms for the other to bury on his chest.

 

"Though I want it, I can't. My body's dead. Why are you so touch-starved?" 

 

That thought brought him to his best friend. "Do you think Pharm can make it tomorrow?" 

 

They heard a sound when they walked past Dean's room. Team was so worried he'd almost knocked to interrupt their moment, but Win held him back.

 

"Dean knows what he's doing." Win rubbed his nose against Team's shoulder. He couldn't resist the faint red mark on it; he had to bite.

 

"Don't bite. I'm swimming tomorrow." Team pushed Win's face away and looked at himself. The small mark should be gone by tomorrow. No way could he let this slip!

 

Phawin chuckled, wrapping his junior against him and sighing in contentment. "I'm so happy." Team gave no verbal response, but he smiled, his hand running over the blond locks.

 

" I used to envy Dean, but not anymore."

 

"Hmm?" Team lifted his eyebrow. "What do you envy him for?"

 

He really couldn't imagine Win being so academically brilliant, coming from a wealthy family, having good looks, and having a personality that everyone liked. Most of all, he was kind. Cough, ok. That was overly complimentary.

 

"..envy him 'cause he knows what it's like to love someone."

 

Win looked at Team's confused face. "I've known Dean since junior high school. He always looked for someone, saying it was important to have someone." Phawin closed his eyes in reflection. "Dean's awesome. He had never dated anyone until he met Nong Pharm; his eyes say it all: that he's been waiting for Pharm all along."

 

Team nodded in understanding. He, too, couldn't help thinking how someone could love the other so much at first sight. But he could see it in Dean's eyes when he looked at Pharm; that was real love.

 

"I probably got influenced by Dean. I want someone for me too, so I talked to a lot of people, and you know what?" Win opened his eyes to see Team, laughing to himself. "We all waved goodbye in less than a month."

 

Team frowned. "Nobody wants...hey, I'm just kidding. Don't pinch my waist." He pushed Win's hand away and shifted back. Win's hand was like a crab's claw; the clamp was painful. "Why so? You're so good at pleasing people." Thinking about how he spoiled him made it seem like Team was his son.

 

Cough, cough, ok. No more overly complimentary.

 

"I may be good at pleasing people, but my kindness is all over the place. No one stayed until..." He pointed to Team. "You."

 

"Yeah. Others can't handle it, so I saved myself trouble by quitting them. I thought I'd never find anyone like how Dean did, until I met you."

 

"What a good-looking, decent young man, right?"

 

"What a pain in the ass, nervy, stubborn kid."

 

They both said in unison. Team quipped a glare, thinking about breaking up with a boyfriend in less than three hours of their official relationship. Phawin almost blurted out laughing. He ruffled Team's hair with affection.

 

"Before I knew myself, you were my special someone,... more special than anyone I met." 

 

"But you weren't confident in me, right? That's why I was just a special someone."

 

He was so scared of losing someone he loved.

He couldn't face the truth at the time.

 

*I'm sorry...sorry to hold you back with 'special someone' and being unclear."

 

"You're so selfish, you know that?"

 

The man pursed his lips, having no comeback against what he himself agreed. His head was so full of fear of hurting himself that he never thought about Team's feelings.

 

"I'm such a fucktard."

 

"Man," The young man exhaled. The man in front of him was like a big dog with ears and tail drooping after being scolded. "Listen to me, Hia. Who's your boyfriend now?"

 

"..You."

 

"Yeah, that's why, don't be afraid. In the future, we may experience some disagreements and doubts at times. But I promise that we'll never regret starting this relationship." He extended his little finger in front of the other person's face. "If you don't believe me, let's do a pinky promise."

 

Phawin blinked at the pinky finger waiting for him; he almost broke out laughing. How could he not love this guy?

 

"Quickly." Team rushed, before embarrassment got the best of him. The young man laughed as his whole body shook and swiftly locked his finger with Team's, giving it a light jiggle.

 

"You're so cool, I'd give everything to you now. You'd have me at your heels, won't you?" Team shrugged. "Yes, be head over heels, Hia. Stay with me until we grow old."

 

Seeing the little bastard's confidence, Win's heart throbbed as it was unbearable. Damn, damn, damn it all. You're so damn cute!

 

"H..Hia."

 

Team's eyes shot wide open when Win kissed his pinky finger. His face burned upon the touch of those soft lips. Too late to pull his hand back now.

 

"Calm down." Then he found himself under Win's body, his eyes sultry.  Team broke into a sweat. Damn it. What switch did he turn on?

 

"Hia, waterfall tomorrow!" Team cried in a fruitless effort. Phawin arched his brow and glanced at the time on his cellphone.

 

"We still have time. Tomorrow we may wake up a little late."

"Wait! Heyyy!"

 

How could he swim at the waterfall tomorrow!?

 

This morning's activity was seeing the sunrise on a raft. Only a handful of club members managed to get up to join. The rest of them were too hungover; they'd rather sleep. Even the club's vice president shut off the alarm and went back to sleep. He'd wake up again near breakfast time.

 

Phawin got up, groggy. He watched Team come out of the bathroom, dressed himself in excitement....The little bastard was so energetic.

 

"Hia, get up and shower. We need to have breakfast. I'm so hungry." Team dragged the bigger man off the bed, but the other pulled him back down along with him.

"Hiaaa!!!" Team hollered, trying with all his might not to fall on a brat.

 

"Why so early?"

"Hungry." Team was straightforward, and he woke up from his grumbling stomach.

 

"Damn gluttony."

 

Team glared. "Who used me in heavy-duty mode?" Phawin cleared his throat. "Yeah, it's me. I apologise. I'm having a shower now." He pushed himself off the bed, grabbed his things, but before he closed the shower door, he poked his head out to Team lying on the bed.

 

"Hey."

"What?" Team responded with a doubtful look

 

"Good morning, my boyfriend."

"Hia!!"

 

Win broke out laughing, happy to tease. Team snatched a pillow and hugged it. He buried his face on the cushion with a barely uncontrollable smile. He could only mumble to himself.

 

"Calm down, be calm."

He couldn't let Pharm know!!

 

Team made a promise to himself. After the Kanchanaburi trip, if he was going to be adventurous, his body must be fit as he carried his friend and himself through all tumbles and falls, clambering to the top of Erawan Waterfall.

 

Coming back down was hell. When he fell on his butt, he could only curse Win mentally. In the evening, he passed out on the bus, unable to wake up. He vaguely remembered Win carrying him out of the bus and up to their dormitory, where he slept without a care in the world.

 

There weren't many changes after their relationship became official, but their greatest relief was. They still came and went together, slept in each other's room without any specific reason. Their small bond is shaped and woven after being tangled into messy knots for a long time.

 

"What did you get for your girlfriend today?"

"I'm giving flowers."

"I'm giving a necklace."

 

Loud chattering followed their training in the evening as swimming club members trained hard again, as their president scheduled a new competition. Team closed his locker door, frowning at his clubmate's strange conversation.

 

"What's up with today? Why do they have to buy stuff?" He joined the conversation. His friends spun their faces at him in surprise.

 

"Team, it's Valentine's Day. Don't you remember?"

 

Team had never caught up with special occasions. Now he knew why people were holding flowers this morning. And he had no class with Manow today, she'd have updated him otherwise. Damn.

 

"I can't forget it. My girlfriend would be so pissed." His friend made a throat-cutting gesture. "So, I gave her flowers in the morning. I'll take her to dinner after."

 

"I envy you."

 

They all exchanged their plans. Team stood rooted to a spot, wheels turning in his head. Could he order something online? Or order *Grab to get flowers for him?

 

"Hey, what are you guys talking about!? Get change, I'm closing the door." A yell from the vice president called from afar, breaking the group chat.

 

"Yesss, sir!" They each hurried it up. Win opened his locker to change; his posture relaxed. Like he had no other plans after this. Team let out the breath he'd been holding. It looked like Win didn't remember too.

 

"P' Win." Somebody called him.

"Hmm?"

 

"It's Valentine's Day today. Do you have any plans?" Team wanted to bang his head over the locker. The hell. What's that for? Phawin changed, grabbed his bag from the locker and turned to his junior with a smile. "I think I'll stay with my boyfriend in our room."

 

"Oh, celebrate with your boyfriend in a room." The junior nodded before he realised. "Wait."

"P' Win, you have a boyfriend now?" The others exclaimed. "Wait, when did you get a boyfriend?"

 

"Eh? Was it when...nghhh" A couldn't finish what he was about to speak, his mouth clamped shut by his two friends.

 

"Yeah, I got one. I'm leaving, didn't want him to wait." The young man closed the locker door, swung his bag over his shoulder and waved to his juniors. Then he left, whistling while his boyfriend went stunned.

 

"And you're still here?" Sea startled Team awake.

"Ah, yeah. I'm leaving." Team frantically hurdled out of his club.

 

Once he was out of his friends' sight, he ran after the tall figure. The swimming club went quiet. Club members exchanged unbelievable glances.

 

"Was P' Win serious?"

"You saw Team's face just now. I think it's true."

 

They all looked at the door where Win and Team had left. They all heaved a collective sigh.

 

"When did they become boyfriends anyway?"

 

The dormitory was quieter than usual today; most likely, students were celebrating Valentine's Day outside. The singles stayed in their rooms, happy with themselves. And some couples might celebrate in a discreet way like them.

 

Team tsked in front of his bathroom, reading Pharm's text about not forgetting Valentine. His friend was meeting with Dean, leaving Team to himself. He couldn't blame Pharm; he didn't know Team had a boyfriend. All he could do was text Pharm, requesting his delicacy to make amends.

 

"Why are you standing? Go sit in front of the TV, Go!" Phawin got the little rascal to his usual spot. 

 

He picked up a pizza slice and settled next to him. He opened a top-charted action movie, coaxing the young man to pay attention to the story instead of moving around.

 

Team fidgeted for a while but caved once the sound of explosions and battles caught his attention. The packed action kept them engaged. Not long after, the large pizza was finished. Win got up to get a small cake box from his fridge.

 

"What's this?"

 

"Valentine's cake." Win handed him a spoon. A small cake would be enough for two of them since it wasn't their thing, like savoury dishes. A colourful fruit cake, looking not too sugary. There wasn't any surprise or anything flashy, but Team could tell Win had prepared it for him, but he had nothing in return.

 

“I'm sorry, Hia."

"Hmm?"

 

"I forgot about Valentine's Day." He'd forgotten about the first Valentine after their relationship.

 

Knock.

 

"Ouch." Team's hand covered his forehead. Once again, Win flicked his forehead.

 

"What were you thinking?" Phawin got a bite of cake in his mouth and made a face at its sourness. 

 

"You needn't get hung up on festivities. Don't you like eating pizza and watching movies?"

 

"I like it." Team rubbed his forehead. He preferred pizza over fine dining in upscale restaurants.

 

"Good. It's our Valentine's Day, just watch movies and eat junk food, with one cake. Perfect." Win scooped a cake again, wanting to spoon-feed Team.

 

Team frowned, taking a bite, but he felt they were missing something...Oh! Still missing...

 

"Hey, where are you going?" Phawin asked as Team jumped up.

 

"Will be back." Team then ran out of the room, leaving Win holding the cake. He thought he heard Team run down a fire escape stairs, not even waiting for an elevator.

Like Team said, he came back in a moment. After catching his breath, he took a deep breath and handed something to his senior.

 

"Valentine's flower."

 

A round cactus with brightly colored flowers in full bloom was held in front of Win. Fortunately, they happened to bloom at this time. Team picked the one with the biggest flowers.

 

"For me?"

"Yeah."

 

"A cactus?"

 

"It's the flower." Team shook a small pot. "On Valentine's Day, you gotta have flowers."

 

Phawin blurted out laughing. To him, this was a bigger surprise than getting a big bouquet of roses. He carefully took the cactus and placed it on the table. Then he pulled his lover's body into his arms, irresistible.

 

"I love it."

 

Team looked smug. "Of course. Because it's from me."

 

Their first Valentine's Day with pizza, action movies, a piece of cake...and a pot of flowers. More than perfect.