FUTTARA DOSHABURI

part 5.

The cherry blossoms had bloomed early that year. When Hagiwara switched on the television, the weather forecast was showing Ueno Park. Even though it was only early April, more than half the trees were already covered in fresh spring-green leaves.

 

"Hagiwara, do you think you'll be home late today?"

 

Kaori called from the bathroom.

 

"No, I've just got a few errands around lunchtime."

 

"I see. Then don't worry about me."

 

"I'm planning to finish work early today, have dinner with my dad, then stop by my parents' house."

 

"I might even stay the night."

 

"Right."

 

"Don't worry about me then. Take your time."

 

"Thanks."

 

When he walked her to the front door before work, she wrapped both arms tightly around him.

 

"I'm off."

 

"Take care."

 

He gave her back a gentle pat. She only clung to him even more happily, refusing to let go.

 

"You'll miss your train," he said with a wry smile.

 

When there was no chance of things escalating any further, Kaori loved this kind of affection—holding hands, hugging, and sharing innocent physical closeness. Hagiwara loved seeing her smile.

 

She was adorable, which was exactly why his own sexual desire felt so ugly. If only he could stop wanting her that way, she'd probably keep smiling forever.

 

As he locked the front door behind her, a thought suddenly crossed his mind.

 

*Maybe it's because she grew up with a single mother after her parents divorced.*

 

He didn't know why they'd separated. Since Kaori still met her father regularly, their relationship couldn't be that bad. Even so, the loneliness of growing up without him must have remained.

 

Perhaps, more than romantic love, what she truly longed for was the sense of security that came from a dependable man's presence. And as they spent more time together, she'd gradually found that security in him.

 

════[changbins_delulu_wife]════

 

Whether it was the relief of having confessed their secrets or simply giving up on keeping up appearances, their messages gradually became more casual. Even the pronouns they used for themselves changed.

 

*"How about trying living separately for a while? Putting a little distance between you might give her the chance to see you as a man again."*

 

Hagiwara picked up the phone lying beside the bed. That had been the last message sent in the middle of the night.

 

*No way.*

 

He shook his head in front of the bedroom door.

 

*I don't want to play her father.*

 

But then... what was he supposed to do?

 

With a sigh, he entered the bedroom and picked up the phone he'd left on the bed. Reading back over the conversation made him smile every time. It was riddled with typos, and the final message barely made sense.

 

*"She might maybe possibly start seeing you as a man again."*

 

*"Which is it?"* Hagiwara had laughed to himself. He could picture the other man drifting in and out of sleep as he typed.

 

One advantage of smartphones was that wrapped inside the duvet, there was no light leaking out and no clicking of keys to give you away. They had been able to keep exchanging messages without anyone noticing.

 

Maybe the other man had felt the same way.

 

Unable to reach the person he truly wanted, he'd turned elsewhere, looking for someone to lean on.

 

*I hope talking like this is helping him take his mind off things.*

 

As he scrolled back through the conversation, he found himself thinking exactly that.

 

════[changbins_delulu_wife]════

 

*Seriously?*

 

That was the reply Hagiwara had received after the company reunion. Then, to his complete astonishment, the other man had confessed something every bit as personal—perhaps even more so.

 

*A man... in love with another man?*

 

*So that's what he meant...*

 

He hadn't expected a counterattack like that.

 

*What am I supposed to say?**

 

*Maybe he's lying.*

 

*Maybe he's just winding me up.*

 

He hesitated for a while, but in the end he replied almost immediately.

 

*"Seriously?"*

 

The other man's first honest reaction.

 

The reply came back almost at once.

 

*"Seriously."**

 

Hagiwara couldn't help laughing.

 

*So he really wasn't lying.*

 

More than anything, he was glad a reply had come at all.

 

---

 

*"Ah, sorry. I didn't mean to imply I believed you straight away. Well... I didn't exactly doubt you either. I... honestly, I don't know what to say. That's... a rough situation."*

 

*"Well... for both of us."*

 

*"Am I really the one who's got it rough? The girl I love loves me back. We live together. We'll probably get married one day... I know I'm genuinely troubled by this, but is it really something I'd call suffering?"*

 

*"This might annoy you, but... don't people always say things like, 'He's a good person except when he's drunk and gets violent'? Isn't it basically the same sort of logic?"*

 

*"That's a bit of a harsh comparison..."*

 

*"From an outsider's perspective, though, it looks that way. Unlike me, whose feelings will never be returned, the two of you are in love and living together. Surely having sex is as normal as taking a bath or brushing your teeth. If one person deliberately avoids it and the other is left to keep suppressing their needs... doesn't that seem strange?"*

 

*"I don't even know how she feels about it. Maybe she's putting up with things too, and I'm just too oblivious to notice."*

 

*"Really, instead of exchanging little emails like this, I know we should sit down and talk properly."*

 

*"But you can't, can you? I get it. You're scared of facing it head-on because you love her that much. I blurt things out and keep asking for what I want. Lately I feel like I don't even want her to return my feelings anymore—I want to trouble him because I know it puts him in an awkward position."*

 

*"Maybe that's why nothing ever gets better. The whole relationship has become unhealthy. I know that... and yet I still can't stop. Compared to me, I think you're a much kinder person, managing to keep everything bottled up by yourself."*

 

---

The wording shifted from "I" to "me." He was the sort of person who spoke plainly. Hagiwara couldn't help feeling a little irritated at the comparison to drunkards and gambling addicts, but then again, he'd been the one who started venting.

 

Still...

 

The words, *"You really do love her,"* sank deep into him. If anyone else had said them, they probably would've just made him feel pathetic. Coming from this man, though, they somehow eased the weight on his chest.

 

Even if only temporarily. And for that, he was genuinely grateful. So they kept emailing.

 

════[changbins_delulu_wife]════

 

The sound of an incoming message woke him.

 

It was from Kazuaki.

 

*"Morning. You're going into the office today, aren't you? Are you up yet? Make sure you eat breakfast."*

 

The only reason Kazuaki had bothered to send a message was that he was working on a prototype at the shared workshop he rented with several other designers.

 

It would only be for a few days. Even so, he never missed his routine messages—from *good morning* to *good night*.

 

Kazuaki was always calm and composed. He never became excessively absorbed in anything. Still lying in bed, Sei replied that he'd already eaten.

 

Almost immediately, another message arrived.

 

*"What did you have?"*

 

He quickly lied again.

 

*"Just something from the fridge."*

 

Seconds later, the phone rang.

 

"Morning."

 

*"That voice says you only just woke up."*

 

"...You caught me."

 

*"I thought so. Make sure you eat something properly."*

 

"I will."

 

*"I've got work until this afternoon, but I should be home by this evening."*

 

"Okay."

 

"There's no time now. I'll grab something to eat after I'm done this afternoon."

 

*"Fair enough."*

 

After the call ended, another email notification appeared.

 

*How many times are you going to check up on me?* he thought.

 

But this one wasn't from Kazuaki.

 

---

 

*"Morning. Sorry for keeping you up so late last night with the message. This morning my girlfriend hugged me before leaving for work. I was happy... but bloody hell, I nearly got hard."*

 

Sei laughed.

 

*What a thing to tell someone first thing in the morning.*

 

Then he remembered the last message he'd sent the previous night.

 

Opening his Sent folder, he burst out laughing again at the sheer number of typos. He'd been fighting to stay awake. No wonder it was such a mess.

 

He apologised for the garbled message, teased the other man about having such an eventful start to the morning, and finally got ready for work.

 

════[changbins_delulu_wife]════

 

It had been about a week since the exchange that began with *"Seriously?"* They'd somehow ended up feeling like genuine friends. If the other man suggested meeting in person, he'd probably refuse.

 

Then again, he imagined the other man would do the same.

 

Because it was Saturday, the trains were running less frequently than usual.

 

While waiting on the platform, Sei scrolled back through their growing message history. It was an unexpectedly good way to pass the time.

 

Compared with those stiff, overly polite emails at the beginning, they were now asking each other remarkably personal questions.

 

For example...

 

*"So are you actually attracted to men?

 

Have you always been that way?

 

When you see a naked woman, do you feel nothing?"*

 

*"It's not that I like men. I like one particular friend. I don't mind if people call me gay, but honestly, I'm not interested in any other man. I used to date women without any problem. I've even been to places that were supposed to be gathering spots for men like that, but I never once felt like doing anything. Even if nothing ever happened between us, I never found the idea disgusting."*

 

*"I still don't really get it.

 

Men's and women's bodies are completely different.

 

Maybe I'm just too set in my ways.

 

You say gender doesn't matter, but even so, you don't actually want to sleep with him, do you?"*

 

*"If he were into men too, and told me he'd sleep with me... then I would. But there's no chance he'd ever say that."*

 

*"So the only reason you're able to live together is that he's not interested in men? If he wanted to be the one doing the sleeping together, you'd constantly feel like you were in danger. I don't think I could live with even my closest friend under those circumstances. It'd wear my nerves down."*

 

*"I think they already are. Sometimes I deliberately make things difficult."*

 

*"Even so, he still wants to live with you."*

 

*"Seems that way."*

 

*"So the good outweighs the pain of being worn down."*

 

*"Probably."*

 

*"Do you ever wonder what'll happen if the balance tips the other way one day?"*

 

*"I do. Strangely enough... sometimes I feel like I'm waiting for that day. If it actually happened, I'd probably regret it and cry my eyes out... but still."*

 

*"It's difficult."*

 

*"For both of us."**

 

---

 

Boarding the train, Sei smiled to himself.

 

*What a strange conversation.*

 

Who would've imagined discussing something this private with a stranger? Yet he didn't mind the blunt, almost intrusive questions. Being asked, thinking about the answers, then putting those thoughts into words somehow helped organise his own mind.

 

*So that's what I really think...*

 

He found himself discovering things about himself he'd never quite realised before. Perhaps, to the other man, Sei served the same purpose. They'd become something like counsellors for each other. Of course, no amount of emails would make Kazuaki sleep with him. Nor would they persuade a woman who refused sex to suddenly open her heart.

 

Still...

 

Sei was certain these exchanges had become indispensable to both of them. Until one of them finally got what they wanted...

 

...or until everything fell apart.

 

He tapped his ID card against the reader beside the steel door leading from the underground station into the company's basement corridor.

 

*Beep.*

 

The lock clicked open.

 

*...Ah.*

 

*I still haven't changed the card holder.*

 

Thinking that, he pushed open the door. The moment he stepped through, he found Hagiwara standing directly in front of him. The surprise made Nakarai call out first.

 

"Morning."

 

Hagiwara was dressed in casual clothes, so whatever he'd come in for couldn't have been especially urgent.

 

"Morning. Working on your day off?"

 

"Just supervising the replacement of a few accounting department PCs."

 

"What about you, Hagiwara?"

 

"I've come to return the umbrellas to that restaurant."

 

"On a Saturday?"

 

"I couldn't get away during the week."

 

"It's been sunny the whole time, so it wasn't exactly urgent..."

 

"...but it's already been a week. I figured I'd better return them."

 

"Sounds like a hassle."

 

"It isn't."

 

"So... how many umbrellas are there?"

 

"Just over ten."

 

"They're pretty bulky, aren't they? I'll come with you."

 

"Oh, you don't have to."

 

The returned umbrellas had all been stored together at the office. His plan for today's trip was to take them back along with a box of sweets he'd bought at the department store on the way.

 

"Some of those umbrellas were mine too," Nakarai said. "And I've got nothing else on today."

 

When he put it like that, Nakarai had no real reason to refuse.

 

"Then... thanks."

 

"I'll go and get the umbrellas. Could you grab us a taxi outside?"

 

"We can just take the train. It's only two stops."

 

"But a taxi would be easier. I'll pay."

 

"I don't like cars."

 

He answered so firmly that Nakarai gave up arguing.

 

The taxi would've been much easier than carrying a bundle of umbrellas on the train, but it was hard to insist after that.

 

"All right then."

 

"Let's pick them up from Sales first and go together."

 

Once they were seated on the train with the umbrellas stacked beside them, Nakarai's eyes drifted to Han'i's bag.

 

"That's nice."

 

"This?"

 

It was a leather clutch bag.

 

Judging by how much it had been used, the surface had taken on the smooth sheen of well-polished amber leather, and the small scratches scattered across it only added to its character.

 

"A friend made it," Nakarai said.

 

"Oh? That's cool. Makes me want one."

 

"He works in design."

 

"Figures. Did he go to art school or something?"

 

"No. Same university as me. Pretty ordinary, really."

 

"He studied ergonomics..."

 

"...but he'd always been incredibly good with his hands."

 

"Remember those money boxes we had to make during primary school summer holidays?"

 

"He actually won the Prime Minister's Award for his."

 

"No kidding. Sounds like he really found the perfect career."

 

"Probably."

 

"I was hopeless at anything like that."

 

"I always asked him to make mine look deliberately clumsy too."

 

Nakarai smiled.

 

"So he did yours as well?"

 

---

 

"Thanks."

 

Nakarai smiled, almost shyly.

 

Hagiwara found himself quietly surprised.

 

*I didn't praise it that much...*

 

Or perhaps he hadn't expected someone to look so pleased over a compliment about a bag.

 

"Really suits you."

 

"You think?"

 

"It's not that I couldn't carry it..."

 

"...it just looks as though it belongs with you."

 

"The colour."

 

"The unfinished edges."

 

"I don't know how to explain it..."

 

"...it just feels right."

 

Nakarai looked down at the bag for a moment.

 

"I see."

 

"I'd love one myself..."

 

"...but I don't think it'd suit me."

 

"Besides, having the same bag as a colleague would be a bit odd."

 

Nakarai laughed.

 

"They don't sell them anymore."

 

"There weren't many to begin with..."

 

"...though there might still be a few left in storage."

 

"I could ask."

 

---

 

The train pulled into the station, and both men stood. There was nothing to be gained from wondering about Nakarai's private life.

 

Even so...

 

Perhaps it was because of those strange email exchanges with his anonymous correspondent that Hagiwara couldn't help imagining it.

 

*A woman... his girlfriend.*

 

Nakarai spoke about this "friend" with surprising warmth.

 

*Maybe they're more than friends after all.*

 

Come to think of it...

 

The umbrella Nakarai had returned last time had been folded so perfectly it looked as though it had been ironed. That single umbrella had looked almost brand new again. It carried the unmistakable neatness of someone's personal way of doing things.

 

If Nakarai really was as untidy as he claimed, then someone else must have folded it for him. Someone waiting for him high above the city, in a room far removed from the streets below.

 

"Have you eaten lunch yet?"

 

Once they'd finished the errand, Hagiwara asked.

 

"Not yet."

 

"Then shall we grab something?"

 

"Sure. I'll leave it up to you."

 

"I know a really good Western-style restaurant. It's a bit of a walk, though."

 

"That'll do."

 

The quickest route cut straight through the park.

 

Beneath the rows of cherry trees, now mostly stripped of their blossoms, die-hard hanami parties still lingered. Perhaps, as long as they could gather and make merry, they didn't much care whether the flowers were at their peak anymore.

 

Nakarai reached up impulsively and gave a thick branch stretching overhead a vigorous shake. Petals that had clung stubbornly to the tree drifted silently into the air.

 

"What are you doing?"

 

Hagiwara looked at him in surprise.

 

"I hate cherry trees after they've bloomed."

 

"What?"

 

"The blossoms that are left look all shrivelled up. It's like they're dying while they're still alive. It makes my skin crawl."

 

"I don't know..."

 

Hagiwara seemed to search for the least confrontational answer. He clearly didn't agree, but he didn't want to dismiss Sei outright either. Only then did Sei notice the graceful curve of Hagiwara's eyelid, arching neatly from the inner corner of his eye.

 

"I don't mind them," Hagiwara said after a moment.

 

"You get to enjoy both the pink blossoms and the fresh green leaves. Feels like getting the best of both worlds."

 

"I suppose."

 

"Nakarai ..."

 

"What?"

 

"You seem like the type who'd find a dog or cat that's been hit by a car—still barely alive but with no chance of surviving—and put it out of its misery without hesitating."

 

"I wouldn't."

 

His sharp reply startled Hagiwara.

 

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean it cruelly."

 

"I viciously said that.*

Wickedly is the example you chose.*

 

There was no point trying to explain that to a colleague. The words *hit by a car* alone were enough to make his legs tremble. The only way to steady himself was to lash out. Just then, a cold drop landed on the tip of his nose.

 

"Rain," Hagiwara said.

 

"Huh?"

 

Looking up, Nakarai saw that the pale overcast sky had darkened almost without him noticing. Clouds folded over one another, growing thicker and heavier, until large drops began to fall—two, then three, then suddenly countless more.

 

The cherry blossom parties erupted into noisy confusion as people scrambled for shelter. To be caught in the rain immediately after returning the umbrellas was spectacularly bad timing.

 

"Bloody hell..."

 

Hagiwara frowned and pointed towards a dense cluster of trees in the middle of the park.

 

"There's a little art museum over there. Let's wait the rain out."

 

"Even if we run now, we'll end up soaked. It'll probably stop if we give it a little while."

 

"All right."

 

—-------

Hidden among thick trees, the entrance was easy to miss, and there wasn't any famous masterpiece to draw crowds. The building had fallen utterly silent, the sound of rain filtering softly through the trees outside, as though the house itself were wrapped inside a veil of green.

 

The little museum occupied what had once been the private residence of a wealthy industrialist who had made his fortune during the Meiji and Taishō eras. The house had been preserved almost exactly as it had been, converted into both a cultural property and an art museum.

 

According to the sign at the ticket desk, the museum displayed the former owner's personal collection.

 

 

"That's not what I expected," Hagiwara murmured after they handed over their ticket stubs.

 

"What isn't?"

 

"I thought after last time, you might actually prefer standing out in the rain."

 

"Why would I?"

 

"In rain like this? Not a chance."

 

"...Besides..."

 

He let the sentence trail off.

Fortunately, Hagiwara hadn't asked him to finish the sentence he'd abandoned earlier.

 

*Because Kazuaki would only worry if I caught a cold...*

 

Saying it aloud would've sounded like the lovestruck rambling of an idiot.

 

 

---

 

 

 

Admission was only five hundred yen, and there were very few visitors.

 

The former owner's collection lacked any real theme.

 

Impressionist landscapes stood beside celadon ceramics, ink paintings and all manner of antiques.

 

Whoever had arranged them into some exhibition route must have had quite a challenge.

 

Neither Sei nor Hagiwara knew much about art.

 

They wandered from display to display, glancing through the glass cases and occasionally skimming the captions more out of politeness than genuine interest.

 

Climbing the spiral staircase to the second floor, they passed more paintings and curios of uncertain value before reaching the final room at the end of the route.

 

There, unlike everything else in the museum, stood a single white statue.

 

It was life-sized.

 

Everything else in the collection had been relatively small, making it stand out immediately.

 

The moment Sei saw it, he stopped in his tracks.

 

---

 

*A nun...?*

 

The woman wore a simple dress with a rounded collar that covered her almost to her feet, a long veil draped over her head.

 

Her body reclined against a high pillow upon a bed.

 

Both hands rested over her chest and stomach.

 

Her lips were parted.

 

Her eyes were half open.

 

The expression was difficult to place.

 

Reading the caption, he learned it depicted a woman who had devoted her life to faith and charity at the very moment she was called to Heaven.

 

It was a replica of a seventeenth-century sculpture.

 

*So... this is supposed to be religious ecstasy.*

 

The instant before death. The instant of ascending to God. Yet the expression on her face was suspended somewhere between pain and bliss. Though carved from cold white stone, her parted lips looked as though they might release a warm breath at any moment.

 

The folds of her clothing and the sheets beneath her were rendered with astonishing sensuality.

 

*Am I only seeing it that way because I'm sexually frustrated?*

 

At first glance, that was exactly what Sei thought. The soft shadows cast across her milky-white skin… Even Hagiwara, standing beside him, had fallen completely still.

 

Perhaps he sensed something too. Or perhaps he thought, *It's rather erotic.*

 

Either way, neither of them moved.

 

Outside, the rain continued to fall, now only as a gentle drizzle. Drawn towards the statue, Sei realised the feeling welling up inside him wasn't excitement or desire. It was sadness.

 

A quiet certainty that as long as he lived, he would never truly escape the conflict between love and desire. Perhaps that struggle itself was simply part of being alive.

 

Until now, Sei had been careful never to reveal anything that might identify where he lived. But after seeing that statue, he couldn't stop himself from wanting to tell someone about it.

 

After they returned to the entrance hall, Sei sat down on a bench against the wall.

 

"Do you mind if we stay here a minute?"

 

"Sure."

 

"I just want to send an email."

 

"Ah, me too."

 

They sat at opposite ends of a three-seater bench, each taking out their phone.

 

 

---Sei typed:

 

"I've ducked into an art museum to wait out the rain, and I've just seen an incredible statue. I don't even know if 'incredible' is the right word, but it really hit me. I have a feeling you'd feel the same if you saw it. If you live anywhere in or around Tokyo, I wish you could."

 

The moment he pressed Send, his phone vibrated.

 

Almost simultaneously, Hagiwara's did too.

 

"...That's some timing."

 

"Yeah..."

 

They exchanged an awkward glance before lowering their eyes to their phones again. The message had come from the very person he'd just written to. It was far too quick to be a reply to his own email.

 

*What a coincidence...*

 

He opened his inbox.

 

---

 

"Hello.

 

I'm at an art museum looking at a statue of a woman... I think it's stone? Maybe not?

 

Something about it really got to me. I'm not sure if 'erotic' is the right word, or 'heartbreaking'...

 

Maybe you're not supposed to look at it that way. But I have a feeling that if you saw the same statue, you'd understand exactly what I mean."

—------

 

When they had both finished, Hagiwara looked outside.

 

"Shall we go? The rain seems to have eased off quite a bit."

 

"Yeah."

 

A mobile phone rang in the next room.

 

The ringtone snapped Sei back to reality, as though he'd just woken from a dream.

 

Blinking several times, he glanced sideways to find Hagiwara doing the same. Neither of them could find any words. For a long moment, time seemed to harden around them like stone.

 

 

"Huh...?"

 

The word slipped from Sei's lips.

 

"Huh?" Hagiwara echoed at the same moment.

 

Their eyes met. Sei realised his own were probably opened just as wide as Hagiwara's.

 

*No way...*