FUTTARA DOSHABURI

part 12.

 

Before dawn, Sei woke up.

 

His phone was lying beside his pillow, its screen covered in cracks like a spider’s web. He tried switching it on, but it gave no response whatsoever. It seemed to be completely dead.

 

Sei removed the back cover, took out the SIM card and microSD card, and snapped both cleanly in half. The floor where the phone appeared to have landed was slightly gouged. He traced the mark with his toes for a while before heading to the bathroom. 

 

On his right index finger, the resin that had been used to fill the crack was beginning to peel away at the edge, turning white.

 

After showering, he went into the living room. Kazuaki was sitting on the sofa with his fingers interlaced over his knees.

 

He must have spent hours after that sitting in the same position, unable to sleep a wink.

 

The thought made Sei want to fall at his feet and beg for forgiveness.

 

I’ll never do anything to hurt you again. So please, let’s live together like we used to.

 

If only he could do that.

 

But Sei knew better than anyone that lost time could never be brought back. If there was no going back, then at the very least, he had to open some kind of new door.

 

“I have to go.”

 

“Kazuaki..”

 

When Sei spoke, Kazuaki’s shoulders jerked in surprise. Then he covered his face with both hands.

 

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry, Sei…”

 

His voice sounded as though he were twisting a cloth that had already dried completely, desperately trying to squeeze out a final drop of water.

 

Sei had made him sound like that.

 

His chest ached.

 

He still loved him. He could say that sincerely, from the bottom of his heart. And yet, somewhere inside, he already understood. He couldn’t stay by Kazuaki’s side any longer.

 

Let’s always be together.
 I want to stay with you forever.

 

People only said things like that because they knew the magic of forever would one day come to an end. Everyone did. Eternity existed only within a promise made for a single fleeting moment.

 

“Kazuaki.”

 

Sei knelt in front of him and looked up.

 

“Is there something you want to tell me?”

 

Peering weakly at Sei through the gaps between his fingers, Kazuaki nodded.

 

“I’ve always loved you. Ever since we were kids… and I mean that in a special way.”

 

“Then…”

 

Sei didn’t put the question into words—Then why did you keep rejecting me? Instead, he waited for Kazuaki to continue.

 

“But to you, I was always nothing more than a close friend, wasn’t I? I thought it was better not to ask for anything more. Better than telling you and making things awkward, as long as I could stay by your side, that would be enough. But then you got your job offer, and I realised there wasn’t much time left before we stopped being university students. I got scared. I panicked, thinking that even today you would eventually be taken away from me. I kept wondering what I could do to stay close to you. I thought I’d do anything if it meant that wish could come true. And then, that day…”

 

Kazuaki’s hand wandered uncertainly around his chest, as though it had lost its way. Sei reached for it without hesitation, pulling it towards him and holding it tightly.

 

“I was walking through town when I spotted your family’s car. I waved from behind, and when they noticed me, they pulled over to the side of the road. They looked so happy. They told me they’d been out buying you a present to celebrate you getting your job. They said, ‘You’ll be a proper working adult soon…’”

 

“‘You’ll meet someone,’ your dad said, and then your mum said, ‘Before we know it, you’ll be married, and we’ll be grandparents.’ They were both laughing. I somehow managed to laugh too and say, ‘Maybe you’re right.’ Then, before we parted, they said, ‘Kazuaki, please keep looking after Sei for us.’”

 

His breathing became ragged and uneven, as though an invisible hand were tightening around his throat.

 

“The traffic light changed while I was standing there talking to them. So… so if I hadn’t stopped them that day, neither of them would have been in that accident. I didn’t even have anything I needed to say. I just waved without thinking. I’d said I’d do anything, but… it was never supposed to mean something like that…”

 

“That’s not…”

 

That’s not true? Don’t blame yourself?

 

Sei didn’t know what he should say, or even what words he wanted to offer him. And so, instead, he silently asked the two people who were no longer there.

 

If it were you, what would you say to him at a time like this?

 

“I thought… after you lost both your parents at once and were so devastated I could barely stand to look at you, I couldn’t possibly tell you that I was the reason it happened. I told myself I was keeping quiet for your sake… stayed beside you with this kind, sympathetic look on my face, and…”

 

“I took care of you after that. And what terrified me most was that, somewhere deep down, I was happy about it. I’d taken your family away from you, pushed your friends away too, and yet I felt relieved that you were becoming dependent on me.”

 

Sei remembered the morning he realised he loved Kazuaki.

 

It had been a beautifully clear day, and simply looking at the sky had made him happy.

 

Ah, what lovely weather.

 

He hadn’t been planning to go anywhere. He had just found himself enjoying the peaceful morning, the brilliant blue sky dotted here and there with little white clouds. It had been such a long time since he’d felt anything like that, and it was also the moment he realised that, little by little, he was beginning to heal.

 

Then Kazuaki had appeared.

 

“Morning.”

 

He opened the door with a smile, and it seemed to melt into the vastness of the sky. Sei felt as though, with every breath he drew, that smile seeped into him, filling every single cell in his body.

 

There had been no other words capable of expressing the happiness he felt in that moment except—

 

I love you.

 

Kazuaki had frozen for several seconds before replying, “I love you too.”

 

But the love he returned clearly carried a different meaning. And that was where Sei’s long, unrequited love had begun—

—or at least, that was what he had always believed.

 

“When you told me you loved me… I was happy, Sei. Of course I was happy. How could I not have been? But those feelings only grew out of your parents’ deaths. They were feelings that were never supposed to exist in the first place.”

 

“No,” Sei said firmly.

 

“…If you only look at the order things happened in, then maybe you’re right. Maybe if none of that had happened, I wouldn’t have realised how I felt. But I’m still me. I’ve always—”

 

“Sei.”

 

Kazuaki shook his head sadly.

 

“We can’t know that. There’s no way to try out a world where your parents are still alive, so no one can ever know.”

 

“Then what matters is whether you can accept it, doesn’t it?”

 

“I can’t. I… I keep remembering them. Their faces, the last time they told me, ‘Please look after Sei for us.’ That wasn’t what they meant when they said look after you, was it? More than anyone, they wanted to see you go out into the world, get married someday and have children. They believed they’d be there to watch that future unfold.”

Kazuaki’s voice trembled.

 

“I don’t know how many times I came close to giving in—when you wanted me, I thought I could just hold you and pretend none of it had ever happened. But every single time, I’d see that gift box again, soaked in blood… and my heart would freeze.”

 

“Idiot.”

 

Sei spat the word at him, but it struck him just as hard in return, and tears began spilling down his face.

 

“You could’ve just kept quiet. You could’ve said nothing, become my lover, and lived happily with me. We could’ve gone to Kamakura, or anywhere. I would’ve been happy with that.”

 

“I’m sorry.”

 

“That’s not what I want to hear…”

 

I forgive you. So forget the guilt, Kazuaki. Let’s start over from nothing.

 

The words rose to Sei’s throat again and again. But each time, what came back to him was Kazuaki’s question from the night before—

 

“Where exactly do you think we can go back to?”

 

—along with the sound of rain pouring through the earphones plugged into his phone, and the sound of his own voice asking Kazuzaki, “What am I supposed to do?”

 

The two opposing feelings tore through him with an ache that seemed to split his body in half.

 

I want to be with him. I can’t be with him. I want to. I can’t.

 

Tears overflowed from his eyes and fell onto Kazuaki’s feet. Sei wiped away a droplet that had gathered in a slight mound on the nail of his index finger.

 

And in that moment, he thought of his own nail—the one that had been repaired for him.

The one Hagiwara had protected so carefully and made it beautiful again…

 

But now, little by little, it was beginning to peel away with time. Once his nail grew out, the crack would disappear. But the time between Sei and Kazuaki had stopped, with no room left for anything new to grow.

 

No matter how many hundreds of times Sei told him, It’s all right now, he would never be able to take Kazuaki’s guilt away. And Sei couldn’t bring himself to demand, Love me even if it means suffering for the rest of your life. The thought frightened him, and it felt far too cruel.

 

“Idiot. I wish you were more selfish. I wish you were a worse person.”

 

“I’m selfish enough. And I’m awful.”

 

“No…”

 

Kazuaki, who had made a savings box for Sei. Kazuaki, who had offered to go with him to look at the family register.

 

“Kazuaki… do you love me?”

 

“Yeah. I love you, Sei. So much.”

 

At last, finally—Kazuaki gave him the answer Sei had wanted for so long.  And at the same time, they were the words of farewell that both of them needed to bring everything to an end.

 

“Then believe what I’m about to tell you. Completely. Don’t doubt it for even a second.”

 

“…Okay.”

 

“Even if you hadn’t stopped to talk to them, Kazuaki, my parents would still have died.”

 

“But—”

 

“I told you not to doubt me, didn’t I? Just listen. And believe me.”

 

This was the last thing Sei could give him. Once he walked out of this room, he wouldn’t come back. All he could leave behind were words—for the precious, precious childhood friend who had never been able to become his lover.

 

“They were going to die that day. That was already decided. The difference of a single traffic light wouldn’t have changed anything. Even if I could’ve climbed into a time machine and gone back to tell them not to leave the house, maybe a lorry would’ve crashed straight into it instead. That’s just how people’s lives are. How fate works.”

 

Just like the two of them now—two people who had undoubtedly loved each other, and yet were still parting like this.

 

“Kazuaki. I don’t resent you, so don’t regret it. I don’t regret anything either, so believe me. You didn’t do anything wrong. You didn’t destroy anything. You used your strength to support me all these years, and now I want you to use that same strength to make yourself happy. It doesn’t have to happen all at once. Just little by little I'll” 

 

“…I’ll learn to walk on my own too, even if it’s only little by little.”

 

A long silence passed between them. At some point, the world beyond the window had grown softly bright. Drawn by the light, Sei looked outside. The scattered clouds that remained were a glossy milky white, as though they had poured out all their rain and washed away their dullness. 

 

The sun had begun to show its face, making the fine rain still falling softly in the distance glitter and sparkle. It was a sunshower. Perhaps the rain had been left behind by the clouds, or perhaps the clouds would eventually catch up with it. Either way, it was beautiful.

 

Their final view together.

Ah, Sei thought.

 

This was the sky that had been missing from the scene of the end he had always imagined.

 

This colour. This light. This is reality. This is now. It’s not bad. Not bad at all. Kazuaki gave a small nod.

 

“I promise… Thank you, Sei.”

 

They had known each other for so many years, yet this was the first time Sei had ever seen Kazuaki cry.

 

He pulled him into his arms, cradling his head against him, and those tears—like warm rain—slowly soaked into Sei’s shoulder.

 

—————-

 

Hagiwara had camped out in a family restaurant until morning, trying the public phone every half hour, but he never managed to get through to either Sei or Kaori. 

 

The noisy chatter of a group of university students who had missed the last train grated on his already frayed nerves. It was hard to believe that only a few years ago, he himself had belonged on that side of things.

 

He wasn’t a student anymore. He was reaching the age where he found himself thinking that maybe it was about time he got married. Not that he had any particular dreams or hopes about marriage. It simply felt like another qualification he was supposed to earn as an adult, another step he was expected to take.

 

Adult Level One, Adult Level Two… Where am I at now?

 

With his severely sleep-deprived brain occupied by such pointless thoughts, he finally left the restaurant a little after seven. The rain that had been falling continuously since the weekend had weakened to nothing more than a reluctant drizzle, and somehow it made him feel as though his time with Sei had finally, completely come to an end.

 

He went home first and began clearing away the shards of glass scattered around the sink, but his concentration was so poor that he ended up cutting his finger badly.

 

It felt as though someone were punishing him.

Kaori? Sei? “Kazuaki”?

 

Blood dripped from his fingertip, striking the stainless-steel sink one drop at a time. In the silence, the sound seemed unnaturally loud.

 

He went to work and waited for Sei in front of the door that connected to the underground station. Fortunately, Sei appeared just before the morning rush really began, so he was able to approach him without attracting anyone’s attention.

 

“Nakarai-san.”

 

“Those are some serious bags under your eyes. They’re completely black.”

 

Sei said it in a deliberately casual tone. Hagiwara could tell he didn’t want the real subject brought up, but he pulled Sei over to the service lift used for transporting products. 

 

At this time of day, hardly anyone would be using it.

 

“Sorry. I said this on the phone last night too, but I—”

 

“You should make sure who you’re actually talking to when someone answers. Didn’t they teach you that in your new-employee training?”

 

“Huh?”

 

The call had been cut off without even two full exchanges, and after that he hadn’t been able to get through again. Only now did it occur to him that he had spoken not to Sei, but to someone else and in this situation, there was only one possible person it could have been.

 

Realising he had screwed up yet again, his already aching head throbbed dully, and for a moment he felt as though he might lose consciousness.

 

“So, what did your girlfriend say? If she told me to apologise, I’ll apologise. If she said I should pay compensation, I’ll pay.”

 

“Don’t put it like that.”

 

Sei was apparently surprised by the sudden change in his tone, and at last their eyes met properly.

 

“I’ve been thinking since yesterday… but this whole thing where I make everything about everyone else—”

 

“It is about someone else. To you, I’m someone else too, so you don’t need to worry about me. Anyway—”

 

“Sei-san!”

 

Sei grabbed the wrist Hagiwara had raised as though to cut him off and walk away. The cuff of his white shirt slipped slightly, revealing a small patch of reddish bruising around his wrist.

 

“That…”

 

Realising where Hagiwara was looking, Sei brushed his hand away and silently tugged his sleeve back into place.

 

“Hagiwara-san.”

 

“You keep saying it has nothing to do with me. How am I supposed to accept that? …What happened?”

 

“You can tell just by looking.” Sei deliberately tilted his head back, almost provocatively. “It’s a hickey. Jealous?”

 

“Hagiwara—”

 

“I slept with him,” Sei said. “Half a day after you held me. You understand what that means, don’t you?”

 

He grabbed Hagiwara’s wrist again, unable to suppress the anger and regret welling up inside him.

 

“What the hell? Let go of me.”

 

“You said earlier that you didn’t feel that way.”

 

“No. I meant that blaming yourself wouldn’t change anything. I’m not blaming you for anything. You don’t owe me anything.”

 

“Then why do you care so much?”

 

“Because you’re the one who made me care.”

 

A trace of resentment flickered across Sei’s face, and he gave a humourless laugh through his nose.

 

“So now you want to hear all the details? Like asking how he was compared to you?”

 

“Oh, come on…” Hagiwara was on the verge of losing his temper, but just before he did, he noticed something.

 

The rims of Sei’s eyes, narrowed in that mocking smile, were faintly red. So he released Sei’s hand almost as though tossing it away.

 

“You’re terrible at this.”

 

“Huh?”

 

“Don’t stand there acting tough when anyone can tell just by looking at your face that you’ve been crying.”

 

The instant Hagiwara hit the mark, Sei’s flustered expression crumpled.

 

“…Don’t cry.”

 

“I’m not crying.”

 

“Sorry.”

 

“What for?”

 

“Because of me.”

 

“No.”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“You’re persistent.”

 

“If you were crying somewhere I wasn’t there, then at least let me believe it was because of me.”

 

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?”

 

Sei, who had been staring at him in disbelief, suddenly looked completely defenceless—and in that instant, Hagiwara’s chest tightened painfully.

 

“What happened to your finger?”

 

“Ah…” The bandage wrapped around Hagiwara’s index finger.

 

“I broke the storm glass. Sorry. Even though you went to the trouble of giving it to me.”

 

Sei silently shook his head. Somehow, hearing that it had “broken” seemed to bring with it a strange sense of knowing.

 

“Sorry, Hagiwara.”

 

“No, that’s not it. It's completely my own fault.”

 

“Sorry.” Sei’s voice was so quiet and unwavering that Hagiwara found himself unable to say anything more.

 

“…Thank you for worrying about me. But I have to go now.”

 

He turned and called only, “Hagiwara-san,” over his shoulder. Hagiwara wanted to stop him, to tell him he shouldn’t just leave like this, but in that moment he couldn’t summon the strength.

 

“Enough. Let’s stop doing this to each other.”

Without looking back, Sei said it firmly.

—————

 

Almost immediately after Hagiwara returned to his seat, the phone rang from the mailroom.

 

“There’s a courier delivery for you, Hagiwara-san.”

 

When he went to collect it, he was handed a small paper bag wrapped round and round with packing tape. Inside was a mobile phone.

She must have found out everything she needed to know and decided she was finished with it.

 

The efficient way it had been returned was very Kaori-like.

 

When Hagiwara switched it on, an email from the sender was already waiting.

 

I’ll email you tonight.

 

Hagiwara leaned back so hard in his chair that the backrest bent beneath him, then stared up at the ceiling.

 

He felt like a criminal waiting for his sentence.

Had his room always been this large and this quiet when he was alone?

 

Hagiwara sat on the bed, staring fixedly at the phone he had placed on the bedside table. A little after eleven that night, its screen lit up.

 

“So… it was a guy?”

 

Hagiwara’s eyes widened slightly. There was no mistaking that Kaori was the sender, but even as a joke, she normally hated using such rough, blunt language. 

 

Since she wasn’t standing in front of him, he almost couldn’t believe it was really her. Then again, Kaori might be thinking the same thing about him.

 

It struck him painfully that, when something serious happened, all the experience they had gained from living together didn’t necessarily mean they understood each other at all.

 

Yeah.

 

He sent that much, then immediately thought, No, that’s not enough,” and followed up with another message.

 

Where are you now?

 

My parents’ house.

 

Does that mean you don’t even want to see me?

 

No. It’s just that you seem able to say what you really think better by email.

 

I’m not being sarcastic. I looked through your phone, and I was shocked. I kept thinking, “So this is what you’ve been thinking about.” There was so much of you in there that I never knew existed.

 

Another message came through while Hagiwara was still wondering how he should reply.

 

“What kind of person was he? Was he handsome?”

 

“I don’t know. …There were a lot of things going on. Timing, circumstances, all sorts of things. Until it actually happened, I never even thought something like that would happen to me. I found someone I could talk to about what was bothering me, and before I knew it, that was all there was to it.”

 

“What do you want to do now? Leave me and live with him?”

 

“No.”

 

“Then do you want to start over with me?”

 

There it was.

 

A question that cut straight to the heart of things.

 

His palms began to sweat, and the phone suddenly felt sticky in his hand. Was that really what he wanted? Or wasn’t it?

 

Logically, he knew rebuilding everything from scratch after it had fallen apart this badly was probably impossible. But Kaori was asking what he wanted. And Hagiwara hesitated, unsure how he was supposed to answer.

 

Another email arrived before he had even managed to decide what to write.

 

“Then I’ll say it first. I still like you. Even now. Maybe if you’d done this with a woman, I could somehow have let it wash over me. But if it was with a man, I can’t. Physically, I just can’t. Even if people call that prejudice or a human-rights issue, I can’t understand it. I can’t bear the thought of touching you.”

 

“You’ve never been able to stand me, have you?”

 

“So this is my fault? Because I wouldn’t let you, you ended up going after some man close at hand?”

 

“…That’s not what I mean.”

 

More than hurt, Hagiwara felt humiliated. He spat out a rough breath and sent his reply.

 

“To you, is ‘letting me’ some kind of favour? I’m not your pet dog, Kaori.”

 

This time there was a long pause before her response came.

 

“I was staying at my father’s place.”

 

That was all. Then, without much delay, another long message followed.

 

“The first time my father cheated with that woman, he finally admitted it to me. He told me he and my mother had divorced because of it. My father said he’d been having an affair with that woman…”

 

“That’s what he told me. I’d somehow known about it, but I asked him why. Then Mum said she’d never once been made happy since I was born. She said Dad only ever wanted to be a father, and that she’d suffered because he cheated, and that was why they divorced. 

 

‘Your father truly thinks he did nothing wrong,’ she said. ‘Even if I went back to that time, I might do the same thing again.’”

—————

 

The sky had been overcast during the day, but there had also been brief patches of sunshine. 

 

Then the rain started again. It pattered against the corrugated roof of the bicycle parking area, making almost the same sound as the rain Kaori had heard that night.

 

Was he listening to that same rain now?

 

That night, after you left, I stayed by the window with my ear pressed to it, listening to the rain. You remember?

 

The voices from below carried clearly. One voice said something like, You have to go after them. Another said, You have to apologise. But when Kaori thought, Even if I did chase after him, I wouldn’t be able to move. Even if someone took him away from me, I still wouldn’t be able to do anything. She had known that much.

 

Maybe you won’t believe me even if I say I love you. But it’s true.

 

There’s someone who gives me comfort and warmth. That felt so good that sex gradually became something more and more troublesome to me. Even though I knew we could probably have been happy together if I’d just been able to enjoy it, I still couldn’t bring myself to feel that way. When I saw how hurt you were, I kept thinking, Tomorrow. I’ll do it tomorrow. But when tomorrow came, I’d think, No, I’m tired from work. Maybe at the weekend. And then my skin would be in bad condition, and I’d feel miserable…

 

Meanwhile, I kept thinking, What’s going to happen to us? Am I always going to be like this? Is this because of how I feel? Would I have been different if I’d had a baby? And, sometimes I even thought bitterly, Wouldn’t it be easier if you just cheated on me?

 

I read the emails you sent to that person. Sometimes I was angry, sometimes embarrassed, sometimes I felt like I had no right to be ashamed at all. I thought about all sorts of things. But there was one thing I wanted to say to you.

 

“Thank you.”

 

Because reading through those messages, I realised for the first time just how many times you’d stopped yourself from blaming me or putting me down. And that made me realise how incredible that was.

 

By the time he finished reading the longest email she had ever sent him, another message arrived.

 

“I’m sorry.”

 

Hagiwara stood up without really knowing why. Still barefoot, he went out onto the veranda and stared at his phone, even though he knew Kaori couldn’t possibly be on the other side of the wall.

 

“Kaori.”

 

“Say it.”

 

Her voice was trembling, but firm.

 

“I’ve fallen in love with someone else. Please break up with me.”

 

Immediately afterwards, a fierce wave of emotion surged up inside him. Behind his eyes, stars seemed to burst, and he wanted to smash something—to wring every last drop of strength out of his small body and rage against it.

 

Another mystery about women had just been added to the list.

 

“I understand. Let’s break up. Goodbye.”

 

That was her answer. Thinking of her going out into the rain without an umbrella, Hagiwara wanted to stop her. But he held himself back.

 

He had wanted to say, I’m going after her. But Kaori’s back remained quiet and resolute, refusing even the slightest concern from him—whether she would get soaked, or where she intended to go. It wasn’t something Hagiwara needed to think about anymore. That was what breaking up meant.

 

He returned to his room and collapsed onto the bed. The person I love. He was startled by how strange those words sounded when he said them to himself.

 

Did he love Sei? Well, he was a man, and Sei’s love was Kazuaki. Maybe it was simply sexual desire clouding his judgement. There were plenty of reasons to deny it. But he did love him.

 

If the only thing stopping him was that he had mistaken himself for straight, then he was free now. He was alone.

 

Lying spread-eagled across his single bed, he suddenly felt like crying. Outside, the rain was still falling heavily.

 

No…

He thought.

Maybe it’s fine.