FUTTARA DOSHABURI

part 11.

 

The moment their lips parted slightly, he felt a drop of moisture beneath his eye. Thinking it was water dripping from Sei’s hair, he opened his eyes and saw that Sei was crying. 

 

“Hani-san.”

 

“What are we going to do?” Sei spoke.

 

“What are we going to do? The two of us… ending up like this… what are we going to do…?”

 

Hagiwara had no answer, and Sei probably wasn’t really asking for one either. There was nothing they could do about it. If he had known this kind of indulgence was waiting for them, perhaps he would never have invited him. But it was already too late.

 

You couldn’t pretend that rain which had already fallen had never existed. Even after the ground dried and there was no trace of it left, the water would have seeped deep beneath the earth. Sometimes, an unknown seed might even sprout somewhere you had never imagined.

 

“We’re idiots.”

 

From the bottom of his heart, he replied, “Yeah. I think so too.”

 

On the cleaner of the two beds, they slept together for just under thirty minutes. The rain was still falling when he left the hotel, so he never got the chance to test the old saying that if you overdo it, the sun looks yellow.

 

After parting from Hagiwara, rather than feeling miserable or lonely, Sei felt strangely relieved. The last two nights had been so intense that, more than the heaviness in his legs and hips, his nerves felt completely exhausted. Even so, he was hungry.

 

He had barely consumed anything for almost an entire day apart from the mineral water provided in the room. But getting home was his priority now, so he only made a quick stop at a convenience store. He bought some throat lozenges.

 

It wasn’t that he was particularly worried about his throat, but Hagiwara had told him, “You should probably buy some.”

 

Sei found it ridiculous that he was holding on to such an insignificant remark as though it were an important promise.

 

He rolled the hard sweet around inside his mouth, unable to deny that he was nervous. Since he and Kazuaki had started living together, he had never stayed away from home for this long.

 

Still, Kazuaki probably wouldn’t blame him or interrogate him about where he’d been, even if part of Sei almost wished that he would. And when he thought about whether Hagiwara would be all right, his own awkwardness hardly seemed worth worrying about. After all, Sei and Kazuaki weren’t lovers.

 

“I’m home.”

 

“Welcome home.”

 

See? Kazuaki greeted him as though nothing had happened. Like a painting on the ceiling of a dome, the sky above them remained unchanged. Was it clear? Raining? Cloudy? He could no longer tell.

 

“Did you get the trouble sorted out?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“Sounds like it was rough. You’ve got dark circles under your eyes. What about work today?”

 

“I’m going in now.”

 

“Can’t you take the day off?”

 

“No.”

 

“I see. Want something to eat?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

Sei bit down hard on the sweet between his back teeth, crushing it in one go. The sharp crack seemed to travel through his body and echo inside his ears.

————-

When he switched his phone back on, there were five messages. Two were work-related, one was an invitation from a friend, and another was a sale notification from a clothes shop he often visited.

 

Then there was a message from Kaori. 

 

I see. It’s boring being on my own, so I’m going to stay at my parents' house too. I’ll go straight to work from there on Monday.

 

Kaori never normally used emojis or emoticons, so he couldn’t say for certain whether the bluntness of the message meant she was angry or in a bad mood. He couldn’t even imagine what she had been feeling when she wrote it. Had she decided to stay away from home in retaliation against him, or was there really nothing more behind the words than what they said?

 

It was incredible. They lived together, yet he had absolutely no idea what she was thinking. 

 

He imagined her at her parents’ house, complaining to her mother.

 

He just suddenly walked out and hasn’t come home for two days. Isn’t that awful?

 

Her mother would probably ask if she had any idea what had caused it. Would Kaori honestly admit, “I turned him down for sex, and he got angry”?

 

He himself couldn’t imagine ever telling his parents about his sexual problems, not even if his life depended on it. But perhaps a woman could be that frank with her mother? And if she was, what sort of judgement would Kaori’s mother hand down? It was a mystery.

 

In any case, he was genuinely relieved that he wouldn’t have to face her yet.

 

When he got home, the storm glass was in the same state as when he had last seen it, as though time had stopped around it. It was just as it had been before he slept with Sei, before he ran out of the house.

 

After changing his clothes, Hagiwara sent a message.

 

“Are you okay?”

 

The reply came almost immediately.

 

“What do you mean?”

 

Even shorter than his first message.

 

“I mean… physically. And everything else.”

 

“Don’t start worrying about me after screwing me senseless. What about you?”

 

“She wasn’t there when I got home. She’s gone to her parents’ place. But she stays there pretty often anyway, so maybe she was just bored.”

 

“Don’t be so bloody laid-back about it. Go and get her.”

 

“If I did that, it’d practically be the same as confessing I’d done something I felt guilty about. It’s fine. Nakarai-san isn’t the type to care about it.”

 

After sending the message, Hagiwara regretted explaining himself so foolishly honestly. He should have replied, Same as usual, or something like that. Perhaps the broken sleep had left him a little foggy. It looked as though it was going to be a long day.

 

After the evening meeting, there was dinner with a representative from a large retail chain. By the time Hagiwara had seen him off in a taxi, it was already past eleven. He had intended to go straight home, but then remembered the report he had left half-finished and reluctantly headed back to the office.

 

These days, with companies becoming increasingly strict about information security, taking work home was heavily frowned upon. 

 

Hagiwara entered the office building through the after-hours entrance and stood waiting for the lift in the deserted lobby when his phone vibrated.

 

He thought it might be Kaori. But it was Sei.

 

“Hello?”

 

“Hagiwara?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“…I need your help.”

 

“Huh?”

 

Trouble? With Kazuaki? Was it because of him?

 

Hagiwara hunched forward as though confronting the person he couldn’t see and asked urgently,

 

“What happened?”

 

“Is something wrong? Where are you? I’ll come straight away.”

 

“…No…”

 

Apparently taken aback by the force of his response, Sei answered, “At the office.”

 

“You scared the hell out of me…”

 

“You’re the one who jumped to conclusions.”

 

“Hurry up and open it.”

 

Sei slapped his palm against the glass door. So this was what his SOS had been about.

 

While working overtime, he went to the refreshment area on the floor to buy a can of coffee…

 

“…Hagiwara?”

 

Sei pressed his palm against the glass, then rested his forehead against it. But the cold did nothing to cool his head. He didn’t want to accept that Hagiwara could never hold him again. He wanted Hagiwara to make this body his one more time.

 

“I don’t want coffee. I want you, Hagiwara.”

 

“Don’t be stupid.”

 

“I know.”

 

Cheating. Two-timing. Both should have been completely unthinkable for Hagiwara. And, of course, so should having sex with another man.

 

“Hagiwara, you promised, didn’t you? That we wouldn’t destroy anything.”

 

“I did. I know that too. I understand it perfectly well in my head. But when I see your face, I can’t…”

 

They were supposed to have slept together under a clear agreement, keeping their feelings separate. Even though Hagiwara knew how pathetic it was for him alone to become so attached, he couldn’t stop himself.

 

Sei’s composure frustrated him. It made him sad. They had been so completely joined together, and yet now…

 

“It’s not like you feel the same way.”

 

“Calm down.”

 

“Are you calm, Nakarai-san? Don’t you understand how I feel at all? Are you thinking that now we’ve made this secret together, you’re satisfied and I’ve served my purpose—?”

 

Sei bit his lip and turned his face away. The pained expression on his face made Hagiwara suddenly realise what he was doing.

 

“Sorry…”

 

He stepped back from the door, as though tearing himself away along with the part of him that desperately didn’t want to leave.

 

“I’ll contact security for you.”

 

If he opened the door himself, he knew he wouldn’t be able to stop himself from embracing Sei. And then he would want whatever came after that too. He turned his back and started walking away.

 

Bang.

The door made a violent noise behind him. Sei had either punched it or kicked it. Hagiwara wanted to turn around and check, but instead he clenched his teeth and forced himself to leave.

————-

When he looked up at the flat from below the apartment building, the lights were on. Kaori was waiting for him. There was relief in that, but it wasn’t exactly relief, nor was it the opposite.

 

I have to make this work.

 

Hagiwara repeated the words to himself. After all, that man had said it was “so we could make things work.”

 

No—that wasn’t right. I’m the one who wants things to work out with Kaori.

 

His head throbbed. Even though the rain was still falling steadily outside, the pain felt as though he had spent an entire day beneath the blazing sun and his brain had swollen inside his skull.

 

He wanted to sleep deeply without thinking about anyone, without even dreaming. And he wanted to forget the regret that kept lingering in his mind, that he had wanted to be the one to kiss Sei.

 

“Welcome home.”

 

Kaori seemed like her usual self. At least, Hagiwara thought she did. In his current state, he couldn’t entirely trust his judgement, but for now he gave the familiar reply.

 

“I’m home.”

 

“You’re late. The bath’s ready.”

 

“Thanks. I’ll go take one.”

 

He somehow finished his bath despite nearly nodding off and sinking beneath the water several times. But when he stepped into the changing area, the phone he was sure he had left beside the sink was nowhere to be seen. Maybe he was remembering it wrong.

 

Without thinking too much about it, he changed into his loungewear and checked the pockets of his suit, then his bag—still nothing.

 

Did I leave it at the office? No. He had checked his messages on the train…

 

“Kaori, my phone—”

 

There was no one in the living room. Only then did the worst possibility occur to him. He hurried to the entrance. Kaori’s rain pumps, which had been neatly lined up there when he came home, were gone.

 

“You’ve got to be kidding me…”

 

Hagiwara crouched down, clutching his head. Had Kaori come into the changing room while he was in the bath? He had been half asleep and hadn’t noticed. His phone wasn’t locked, and all of his messages with Sei were still on it. Has she seen them? And if she had, where had she gone?

 

No, wait. Maybe she’s only popped out to the convenience store. Maybe my phone is still somewhere in the flat.

 

Calm down. Calm down.

 

Repeating the words to himself, Hagiwara stood and returned to the living room. He decided to get some water first and then finally noticed something that left no doubt.

 

The storm glass lay shattered into pieces in the kitchen sink.

 

Kaori had never been the type to look through his phone. Because she never had before, he had assumed she never would. He cursed himself for never even considering the possibility. But there was no time to stand around thinking about it now.

 

Fortunately, he had synchronised his address book with his computer as well, so He copied down Sei’s phone number, ran to the nearest station and rushed to a public telephone. 

 

Shoving in a jumble of ten-yen and hundred-yen coins, he impatiently pressed the buttons while praying that Sei would answer.

 

After three rings, there was a soft click as the call connected.

 

“Nakarai-san, it’s Hagiwara.”

 

Hagiwara hunched over the grey public telephone as though embracing it and spoke quickly.

 

“Sorry. Kaori found out. She looked at my phone; actually, she took it with her. So if you get any calls or messages from my mobile, ignore them—”

 

The call was cut off.

 

When Hagiwara tried calling back, all he got was the recorded message saying that the phone was either switched off or outside the service area.

 

Sei had been working for five years now, yet when an emergency happened, there was no one else he could turn to. What did that say about him?

 

After Hagiwara disappeared, Sei sank with his back against the door and thought about it.

 

After all, it was already the middle of the night.