FUTTARA DOSHABURI

part 11.

It was hard to imagine children growing up in a house like this.

 

Every piece of furniture was elegant enough to be called an antique, and everything seemed carefully chosen, as though nothing here had ever been bought on impulse.

 

"...Do you not drink either, Ayako-san?"

 

When he realised neither of the hosts had touched a drop of alcohol all evening, Hagiwara finally asked.

 

"Oh..."

 

Ayako smiled gently.

 

"I'm pregnant."

 

"...I see."

 

"Could you wash the cherries you brought? We'll eat them once our errand runners get back."

 

"Of course."

 

She took the wooden box of Satō Nishiki cherries from the enormous refrigerator—big enough to hold three adults, Hagiwara thought—and tipped them into a large glass bowl.

 

"I'll help."

 

"No, honestly, don't worry."

 

"It's all right."

 

"I've already put away the pots and frying pans. The dishwasher can handle the rest."

 

Even so, Hagiwara couldn't very well sit there while Ayako worked alone, so he followed her into the kitchen.

 

---

 

The moment Kaori and Ayako's husband had left the room, Ayako began clearing away the dishes.

 

"I completely forgot..."

 

She looked flustered.

 

"We've run out of coffee beans."

 

"I'll go."

 

Kaori immediately stood up.

 

"You don't even know what kind to buy."

 

"I'll write it down for you."

 

"I'm not sure I trust myself."

 

"That's terrible."

 

Ayako laughed.

 

"You really are hopeless around the house."

 

"I know..."

 

Her husband scratched his head sheepishly.

 

"So, would you mind if I borrowed Kaori-kun for a little while?"

 

He turned towards Kaori with a grin.

 

"I've got an important job for you."

 

"If it's only to the supermarket, I suppose I can manage."

 

"Then it's settled."

 

Ayako smiled.

 

"It's already dark, so you can escort him and make sure he doesn't get lost."

 

"I do have a terrible sense of direction."

 

"Exactly."

 

"Keep an eye on him for me."

 

"I will."

 

Then they left together.

 

---

 

Watching them go, Ayako suddenly apologised.

 

"Oh... I'm so sorry."

 

"...Hm?"

 

Only then did Hagiwara realise he'd barely heard the conversation that had just taken place.

 

His thoughts had been somewhere else entirely.

 

*I wonder if he noticed...*

 

*...that my fingers were trembling slightly when he grabbed my sleeve.*

 

And Hagiwara, too, had eventually gone home, just to a different place from Nakarai.

 

Ever since Hiraiwa had appeared, Nakarai had been visibly shaken. Hagiwara was almost certain it had something to do with Fujisawa Kazuaki.

 

He hadn't heard a single word from Nakarai since. Perhaps he really was just overwhelmed preparing for the shareholders' meeting. Even Hagiwara didn't know.

 

Despite all the pointless little conversations they'd shared, when he opened his phone to send a message, his mind went completely blank.

 

What should I even say?

 

He looked around the spacious living room. Being a corner apartment, windows stretched along two walls.

 

If the blinds weren't closed for Kaori's sake- she hated heights- the glittering lights of the city would probably spread out below them like thousands of scattered glass beads.

 

… Am I really sulking because I didn't get an email?

 

The thought made him give a wry smile.

---

 

It was difficult to imagine children growing up in a house like this.

 

The room was filled with elegant furniture that could only be described as exquisite. It felt almost devoid of everyday life. He tried to picture it overflowing with toys and cartoon characters, or Ayako—whose dazzling beauty reminded him of a tropical island where the sun never seemed to set—carrying a nappy bag while pushing a pram.

 

It simply didn't seem to fit.

 

Though perhaps that was an unfair assumption.

 

"Congratulations."

 

The words had barely left Hagiwara's mouth before Ayako replied,

 

"...You smell."

 

"...What?"

 

For a moment he wondered if he'd misheard.

 

*I smell?*

 

He'd showered before coming. He hadn't been sweating, nor had he put on any aftershave.

 

Was there a gas leak? No... If there were, an alarm would have gone off.

 

He looked at Ayako with an awkward smile still frozen on his face. Then she said something even more astonishing.

 

"It smells like semen."

 

"...What?"

 

Ignoring Hagiwara's stunned expression, Ayako continued matter-of-factly.

 

"Our baby was conceived through IVF."

 

Hagiwara couldn't keep up with the conversation. Just moments earlier, the four of them had been chatting over dinner about summer holidays, nail designs and the Premier League.

 

How had the conversation suddenly jumped to semen and test tubes? Was it because she was pregnant? Had pregnancy made her thoughts wander in strange directions?

 

Yet Ayako remained perfectly calm.

 

"Do you know what delayed ejaculation is?"

 

"My husband can't climax during sex."

 

"He spent his whole life studying. Never dated much."

 

She gave a small, bitter smile.

 

"So he'd become far too attached to his own right hand."

 

Hagiwara pictured Ayako's husband. He seemed gentle. Sincerely, Graceful. Certainly not someone whose private life would be anything like this. They looked so happy together.

 

"Can you imagine how I felt when he told me that after we'd already married?"

 

"He'd spend all night watching videos online...using his hand...finishing by himself and falling asleep."

 

"These days he doesn't even do that anymore."

 

Her voice remained strangely composed.

 

"I've been trying to make our marriage work. I wanted us to be a normal married couple. It took every ounce of courage I had to tell someone."

 

"Everyone around us thinks we're happily married and have everything we could ever want."

 

She gave a quiet laugh.

 

"So... Do you know what Kaori said to me?"

 

"..."

 

"I finally confessed it to her."

 

"I tried to make light of it."

 

"I said, 'I love him. I really do. I want to stay with him forever... but whenever he starts looking at me like a man looks at a woman... I've started losing all desire. I still like cuddling and sleeping beside him, though.'"

 

Ayako smiled faintly.

 

"And do you know what she said?"

 

She wasn't really asking. She didn't expect an answer.

 

"'Really? My boyfriend and I hardly ever have sex either. Isn't it easier that way? I like cuddling together, and I want us to stay together forever too.'"

 

Hagiwara felt as though his stomach had been plunged into ice. He'd suspected something. But hearing it from someone else hurt far more than if Kaori had ever said it to his face.

 

He noticed, for the first time, that the perfectly applied foundation around Ayako's nose had begun to crack.

 

"You remember it exactly, don't you?"

 

"I'll never forget a single word."

 

As she spoke, Hagiwara found himself recoiling.

 

*This woman is broken.*

 

A powerful feeling of revulsion welled up inside him. Yet at the same time he couldn't help wondering what had broken her in the first place.

 

"...I think part of the problem lies with Kaori too."

 

Not all of it. Perhaps only one per cent. But wasn't at least a tiny part of Hagiwara's suffering caused by Kaori's inability or unwillingness to understand it?

 

*...I had Nakarai.*

 

How different were he and this woman, really?

 

"You knew the moment you saw me?"

 

Ayako smiled.

 

"I could tell straight away."

 

Her beautifully manicured nails, painted with a cracked-glass pattern, dug into the back of Hagiwara's hand.

 

For some reason, he couldn't pull away.

 

"I was happy."

 

She laughed softly.

 

"Because I could smell someone who wanted to, but couldn't."

 

Only then did Hagiwara finally shake her hand off.

 

"...You should see a doctor."

 

"A doctor?"

 

Ayako laughed again.

 

"Who should go?"

 

"Me?"

 

"Or my husband?"

 

"My husband would never go. He'd rather die."

 

"They'd just tell him everything was fine."

 

"I've already given him a house, money... even a child. So what right do I have to complain?"

 

"'You want sex?'"

 

"'I never imagined you were that kind of woman.'"

 

She gave a hollow smile.

 

"At that point all I could do was laugh."

 

The crescent-shaped marks her nails had left in the back of Hagiwara's hand throbbed faintly.

 

"...But you're still better off than I am."

 

"What do you mean?"

 

"Why don't you hurry up and get married?"

 

"Kaori loves children."

 

"I'm sure she'd at least have sex with you when she's ovulating."

 

Hagiwara's hand slowly clenched into a fist. Ayako watched him without the slightest concern.

 

"You're angry?"

 

"I don't mind if you tell Kaori everything I just said."

 

"I wish you would."

 

"I hate that woman."

 

"It wouldn't make any difference to me."

 

"Everything I've told you is true."

 

"The only one who'd get hurt would be her."

 

At that moment, the front door unlocked. Ayako calmly picked up the untouched glass bowl and began washing the cherries beneath the running tap, twisting each stem free one by one as though nothing had happened.

 

Watching her, Hagiwara felt like an insect whose legs had been torn away. Utterly powerless.

 

"...I'm home."

 

Ayako's husband came back into the room.

 

"Welcome home."

 

"Isn't that a rather big bag for coffee beans?"

 

"I found the honey you like. It had just come back into stock."

 

"You said they always sold out straight away, so I bought plenty."

 

"And I'm sure you picked up a few treats for yourself as well."

 

Ayako laughed.

 

"Maybe."

 

Her husband smiled sheepishly.

 

"Let me off just this once."

 

"Heh."

 

Kaori watched the exchange with a warm smile.

 

*What a lovely couple.*

 

Before hearing Ayako's story, Hagiwara would probably have thought the same.

 

"Was it raining?"

 

"No."

 

"It looked as though it might, but it never quite did."

 

"I love rainy days."

 

"The windows get covered in droplets, and all the neon lights outside blur together."

 

"It looks beautiful."

 

She reached towards the blind controls.

 

"Shall we open them a little?"

 

Kaori shook her head frantically.

 

"No, no...I can't. I hate heights."

 

"If I stand near the window, my legs will turn to jelly."

 

"You don't have to go right up to it."

 

"I know...But I really can't."

 

Ayako pressed one of the four switches on the wall. The blinds slowly began to rise. Kaori hurriedly turned her back to the window.

 

"Just kidding."

 

Ayako pressed the switch again, lowering the blinds, then smiled.

 

"Kaori really is adorable."

 

Looking into her eyes, Hagiwara felt all the strength drain from him.

 

The freshly brewed coffee and the cherries might as well have had no flavour at all.

——-

They walked home beneath an overcast sky, speaking very little.

 

*Some weather forecast,* Hagiwara thought bitterly, inwardly blaming the storm glass.

 

*It didn't rain at all.*

 

A chill ran through him.

 

Hatred.

 

Loneliness.

 

Sadness.

 

Despair.

 

The emotions settled inside him like thick tar.

—

 

Perhaps he'd only searched for *Vostok* online out of idle curiosity. Or perhaps he'd had a hunch.

 

Yet as he looked through the products designed by Fujisawa Kazuaki, an inexplicable irritation had begun to build. He knew it was petty jealousy. He understood that.

 

Day after day, he struggled against competitors over prices, constantly visiting retailers, bowing his head in the hope that his products would be displayed a little more prominently.

 

Every change of season. Every bonus period. The products changed to match the market. Meanwhile, Fujisawa Kazuaki simply created whatever his instincts told him to create.

 

Unaffected by trends. Unaffected by the economy. Unaffected by sales targets. His work still found its customers. The designs were simple. Beautifully made and carefully crafted from quality materials. Expensive enough that the average person had to stretch a little to afford them.

 

But people still bought them because they recognised their value. Hagiwara understood the logic. Even so...There were countless similar products available at lower prices.

 

Yet everything Fujisawa made somehow possessed an unmistakable authenticity.

---

 

"Hagiwara..."

 

Kaori called softly.

 

"Hm?"

 

He forced himself to answer brightly. His own thoughts had become darker than they should have been. Perhaps Ayako's words had poisoned him. He didn't want to become that kind of person.

 

"We had such a lovely time today."

 

"The food was amazing."

 

"Yeah."

 

He wanted to ask her.

 

*Did you really enjoy yourself?*

 

*Didn't you notice anything?*

 

After everything Ayako had said...After all the malice she'd poured out...Could Kaori truly have remained unaware?

 

For a moment, Hagiwara wondered if Kaori might actually be harder to understand than Ayako.

 

"Ayako-san's expecting a baby."

 

"I think she's about ten weeks along."

 

"Oh?"

 

"I remember you saying you'd prefer a girl."

 

"They're easier to raise."

 

"...Really?"

 

Hagiwara didn't want to hear any more. Ayako's words echoed relentlessly inside his head.

 

*"She'll probably have sex with you on her ovulation days."*

 

He wanted to shut his ears. But Kaori continued speaking, wearing the gentle smile Hagiwara loved so much.

 

"I'd rather have a boy."

 

"A little boy who looks just like you."

 

"...I see."

 

For some reason, he didn't feel surprised. Nor disappointed. He simply stared at the dark clouds gathering overhead.

---

 

Something pale floated in the darkness. As his eyes slowly adjusted, he realised it was a length of white fabric. The folds looked strangely familiar.

 

*I've seen that before...*

 

Then he remembered. The museum. The white cloth from the exhibition. Or... had it been somewhere else? He couldn't quite remember.

 

As he continued staring, the curve of the fabric blankly shifted ever so slightly. It moved. No...It wasn't the cloth. It was the body lying beneath it.

 

Alive. The thought came to him without surprise. Almost as though he were seeing it through someone else's eyes. His gaze drifted slowly over the white shape. He caught his breath.

 

Lying on what looked like a hard, milky-white bed was Nakarai. His cheeks were smooth, almost like plaster, flushed with colour. The tip of his red tongue peeked out between slightly parted lips. His eyelashes were tightly shut, a deep crease drawn between his brows, yet there was no trace of pain on his face.

 

Beneath the sheet, his bare body moved restlessly as he lost himself in his own pleasure. Hagiwara no longer knew whether he was standing there or floating somewhere beyond himself.

 

His thoughts flashed by in an instant.

 

*I should look away.*

 

*I should say something.*

 

But all that remained before his eyes was Nakarai.

 

"...Hagiwara..."

 

The whispered name slipped from Nakarai's lips.

 

Hagiwara couldn't tear his eyes away. Nakarai threw his head back slightly, his lips trembling as he became even more absorbed.

 

Though Hagiwara couldn't see exactly what he was doing beneath the sheet, the fabric's increasingly frantic movement made it obvious.

 

His breathing grew heavier. Each quick, ragged breath reached Hagiwara more clearly than any sound.

 

Hagiwara swallowed. The tiny sound seemed deafening to him.

 

*What if he hears me?*

 

He wanted to watch, just until the end. Nakarai looked so close. Every flutter of his eyelashes was filled with rapture. His brows repeatedly drew together as though he were struggling to endure the overwhelming sensation.

 

Hagiwara found himself just as aroused. His own body was taut with tension. Then, just as he thought...

 

*He's almost there...*

 

...Hagiwara heard Nakarai's voice for the first time.

 

He woke with a start, as though reality had seized him and dragged him back.

 

A dream. Of course. What else could it have been?

 

Something like that. He hesitantly pulled back the thin blanket. His body was still hard. Rather than embarrassment, what he felt was fear.

 

Crossing the distance between their beds—the distance that had always frightened him like a bottomless crevasse—Hagiwara rested a hand on the mattress beside Kaori.

 

"Kaori..."

 

He called her name softly. Still facing away from him, she turned over with obvious reluctance.

 

"Hm...?"

 

Her sleepy voice was muffled.

 

"What's wrong...?"

 

"Let's..."

 

For the first time, Hagiwara finally spoke the words he'd never been able to say aloud.

 

"Let's do it."

 

He couldn't understand why someone who wasn't normally shy or reserved had found those three simple words so difficult to say.

 

In the darkness, Kaori blinked in surprise. Then she gently stroked Hagiwara's hair before turning away again.

 

"...Another time, okay? It's already late."

 

There was no shock. He had expected that answer. Instead, the bitter taste of disappointment spread silently through his mouth. He gripped the bedsheet tightly in his fist.

 

*Why...?*

 

*Why won't you just tell me plainly?*

 

* ' I don't want to.'*

 

* ' The thought of having sex with you makes me feel sick.'**

 

Somehow he thought hearing those words outright would hurt less than being fobbed off with another empty promise.

 

The woman lying beneath the thin blanket felt more distant than the one he'd just seen in his dream.

 

*If I touched her now...*

 

The thought drifted through his mind with eerie calm.

 

*...it would be rape.*

 

He slowly sat up. Without a word, he walked over to the wardrobe, pulled out some clothes from the chest of drawers and got dressed.

 

"Hagiwara...?"

 

Kaori's voice sounded anxious this time.

 

"...I'm going out for a while."

 

He picked up only his wallet and phone and left the flat. Even after he reached the ground floor, there was no sign that anyone was coming after him.

 

Standing outside, Hagiwara opened his phone and typed a message.

 

> Are you awake?

>

> I'm sorry. I don't even know how to put this into words... but please reply.

 

Right now, there was only one thing Hagiwara wanted to do. He knew Nakarai might think he was a nuisance. He knew Nakarai had his own troubles to deal with.

 

Even so, there was no one else Hagiwara could turn to. As he stood there clutching his phone, the reply came.

 

He'd sent nothing more than:

 

> Call me.

 

Followed by his mobile number.

 

We've never even exchanged phone numbers.

 

He pressed the digits before he had time to think about it.

 

"...Hello?"

 

Nakarai's voice was quiet, careful. Aware that he wasn't alone. Hagiwara knew that, yet he still couldn't stop himself.

 

"...It hurts."

 

The words escaped him in a hoarse whisper.

 

"I'm struggling..."

 

There was no other way to say it. If he started explaining everything that had happened that night from the beginning, it would sound as though he blamed Kaori, and he didn't want that.

 

Nakarai asked only one question.

 

"Where are you now?"

 

"...Outside."

 

"Outside my apartment."

 

There was a brief pause. Then Nakarai replied immediately.

 

> "I'll be right there. Wait for me."

 

For a moment, Hagiwara remembered the message Kaori had once sent him years ago.

 

> Can I come over?

 

Nakarai's words weren't the same. He wasn't looking for Kaori. Yet hearing that simple promise—

 

*"Wait for me."*

 

—made Hagiwara's knees almost give way with relief.

 

Nothing had actually been solved. Nothing had become better. Even so, all he could think was:

 

*I'm going to see him.*

 

---

 

They agreed to meet at the station roughly halfway between their homes. After ending the call, Hagiwara looked up at the dark windows of his apartment.

 

No one came after him. As he stood there, uncertainty crept back in.

 

*What am I even going to do when I see him?*

 

*I'm leaving home like this...*

 

*Am I about to turn the cracks I've been pretending not to notice into something that can never be repaired?*

 

*Isn't this exactly what Ayako wanted?*

 

What was the right thing to do? What did he really want? A cold drop landed on the top of his head. Another struck the tip of his nose. Another splashed across his phone screen.

 

Rain.

 

The moment he realised, Hagiwara stepped out onto the main road and raised his hand for a taxi.

 

Even now he doubted he'd ever know whether he'd made the right choice.

 

He gave the driver the name of the station and sank into the back seat. Almost immediately, the rain became a downpour.

 

The windscreen wipers sped up, beating out a frantic rhythm. The weather report on the radio drifted through the taxi.

 

> "Heavy rain is now falling across Tokyo."

 

A moment later, the announcer continued.

 

> "It barely rained throughout May, but now the rain is coming down in torrents. It really is a case of 'when it rains, it pours'—a proverb meaning that bad things often happen all at once."

 

Hagiwara listened without really hearing.

---

 

Nakarai was already waiting at the meeting place. The station shutters had been pulled down after the last train. He stood with his back against them, sheltering from the rain.

 

*He came.*

 

*He really came.*

 

That alone made Hagiwara happy.

 

Without thinking about it. Before explanations. Before apologies for dragging him out in the middle of the night. The words slipped naturally from Hagiwara's lips.

 

"...Thank you for waiting."

 

"I want to have sex with you, Nakarai-san."

 

"...Okay."

 

The answer came so simply, as though it had been decided from the very beginning.

 

Neither of them dared to walk into a love hotel, so they chose an ordinary business hotel within walking distance instead.

 

Since it was already after midnight, the late-night discount applied.

 

"Nice. We got a cheaper rate."

 

After paying in advance, Nakarai murmured the words, and Hagiwara nodded quietly in agreement.

 

They had ridden the lift in silence, but the moment they stepped into the twin room, Hagiwara asked, unable to hold it back any longer,

 

"Why?"

 

"I want to know too."

 

Nakarai dropped the key card onto the writing desk.

 

"I wanted a secret."

 

"...What?"

 

"I think Kazuaki's hiding something from me. I want to know what it is, but at the same time, I don't."

 

"So I wanted a secret of my own."

 

He laughed bitterly.

 

"I thought it would even things out."

 

"If I slept with you, the weight of my secret would finally match his."

 

Hagiwara stared at him blankly.

 

It was only natural. Nakarai wasn't even sure that was truly how he felt. The moment he'd heard Hagiwara's voice on the phone, all he'd thought was,

 

*I have to go.*

 

*I have to be there.*

 

Of course Kazuaki had found it strange when he'd suddenly left the house, but Nakarai had simply insisted,

 

"A junior colleague from work is having a rough time."

 

He'd walked out without another explanation. The thought that Kazuaki would now be at home worrying about him hadn't been enough to stop him. Perhaps Hagiwara felt the same.

 

Hagiwara sat down in the chair, resting his cheek against one hand. The clean line of his profile looked strangely beautiful.

 

"You mean an affair that absolutely won't be discovered?"

 

"With me?"

 

"Yeah."

 

"If she asks what I was doing, I'll tell her I met someone from work."

 

"I'll show her the emails. The phone records. If I have to, even the hotel receipt."

 

"We couldn't find anywhere open because of the rain, so we got a room and drank instead."

 

"If you back me up, there's no reason she'd suspect anything."

 

"...We're both men."

 

"Exactly."

 

Nakarai shook the plastic carrier bag in his hand. Inside was the lubricant he'd bought from a chemist on the way.

 

"So... that's the plan."

 

"I'll just say this first."

 

Hagiwara's expression turned serious.

 

"If this only works because you're planning to leave Kaori, forget it. I'm not getting caught up in that kind of mess."

 

"If you're doing this because you've already given up on your relationship, then I'll refuse."

 

"I don't want to destroy anything either."

 

"If we're going to keep our relationships going after this, then that's the reason we're having sex."

 

Nakarai gave a small, humourless laugh.

 

"What a ridiculous thing to say."

 

"What are we trying so desperately to protect?"

 

"Who could honestly claim that nothing between us has broken already?"

 

Hagiwara looked at him for a long moment before answering quietly.

 

"...I know."

 

He stood up.

 

"Cheating is wrong, no matter what the reason."

 

He headed towards the bathroom, then glanced back over his shoulder.

 

"I'll get things ready."

 

"'A positive affair'..."

 

Nakarai let out a faint smile.

 

"I can't decide whether that sounds like a good thing... or a terrible one."

———-

 

"It almost feels like I'm a virgin again."

 

"...Sorry. I genuinely have no idea what I'm doing. Are you supposed to tell me to relax or something?"

 

Nakarai couldn't help smiling.

 

"Is that really the kind of advice you're asking for?"

 

"I don't need it..."

 

Hagiwara muttered, embarrassed.

 

After a while, once he'd finally managed to prepare himself, his breathing grew slightly heavier. He rested his hands on Nakarai's knees.

 

"Should we turn the TV on?"

 

"What? Right now?"

 

"I was just thinking... if there were any paid channels, maybe it'd help."

 

Nakarai laughed.

 

"There's absolutely nothing romantic about this."

 

"I know."

 

He parted his legs himself. Hagiwara moved between them, absent-mindedly stroking himself.

 

*He's got his own preparations to think about...*

 

*Is sex really supposed to start like this?*

 

*It's been so long I can barely remember.*

 

He pulled back the tightly tucked duvet, leaving only the bedside lamp on. While he did, Hagiwara undressed and climbed onto the bed.

 

"I used to think people who started as online friends and ended up sleeping together were complete idiots."

 

"So did I."

 

"...Somehow..."

 

Nakarai let out a small laugh.

 

"This is kind of ridiculous."

 

"It really is."

 

He picked up one of the cylindrical leg pillows and tossed it onto the other bed.

 

"Why do hotels always have so many pillows?"

 

"And why are the toothbrushes always ridiculously big?"

 

"...Or the toothpaste tastes awful."

 

As Hagiwara's fingertips traced lightly over his skin, an indescribable shiver crept all the way up to Nakarai's knees.

 

*It's because I'm thinking about Kazuaki,* he told himself.

 

"It's swollen."

 

"...Yeah."

 

"...Here?"

 

"The nail..."

 

"The one you had repaired."

 

Hagiwara took hold of Nakarai's ankle. Nakarai could feel his gaze settling on the repaired toenail.

 

"I was fine about an hour ago..."

 

Hagiwara stopped mid-sentence. Then, after a brief pause, he quietly added,

 

"You don't need to worry about me."

 

Nakarai held out his foot.

 

"What are you doing?"

 

Hagiwara lightly nudged between his legs with his bare toes.

 

"Hey!"

 

Nakarai gave a startled yelp.

 

"You aren't hard at all."

 

"Are you really going to be able to do this?"

---

 

Before showering, Nakarai had opened the lubricant and squeezed some into his palm. It was the first time he'd ever actually bought it to use. The slippery texture surprised him.

 

*You could probably get this up your nose if you tried...*

 

The absurd thought crossed his mind. He spread the lubricant over himself, trying to prepare. But everything was so slippery that he struggled to work up the courage to push a finger any deeper.

 

By the time he'd used nearly half the bottle, he'd given up, deciding they'd be there until morning at this rate.

 

He pulled on the hotel bathrobe and went back into the room. Hagiwara was still sitting exactly where he'd been before the shower, fully dressed and completely motionless.

 

Nakarai wasn't frightened. If it hurt too much, Hagiwara would stop. Besides, whether this succeeded or failed depended mostly on Hagiwara.

 

If he couldn't get an erection, that would be the end of it. After all, Hagiwara had only ever been interested in women. Nakarai couldn't imagine him becoming aroused by another man.

 

Simply *trying* would already be enough as both an affair and as a secret.

 

"It feels strangely nostalgic, like the uncertainty of your first time."

 

"When was your first time?"

 

"First year of high school."

 

"What was it like?"

 

"That's a secret."

 

"Embarrassed?"

 

"It involves someone else."

 

Hagiwara answered gently, as though reminding him not to pry. Nakarai immediately felt childish for asking.

 

"Even though I don't know anything about the person?"

 

"I don't have to know."

 

"I think I might actually like that side of you."

 

"In a situation like this, that's embarrassing to hear."

 

Nakarai almost replied that Kaori was probably the same, but thought better of it.

 

"...Ah."

 

He felt it. The tip of Hagiwara's finger brushed against him through the slick layer of lubricant.

 

It wasn't hot. It wasn't hard. Just smooth.

 

Nakarai squeezed his eyes shut.

 

*Relax...*

 

He kept telling himself that, but he had no real sense of how to make his body relax enough. Having another person's body pressed against yours inevitably makes you tense.

 

*Sex really is built on trust.*

 

Without the reassurance of being lovers, that felt even more true.

 

"...Mm..."

 

Hagiwara carefully searched with his fingers, trying to find the right place, but the lubricant almost worked against him, making everything so slippery that he struggled to make any progress.

 

"...This is difficult."

 

After wrestling with it for a while, he finally lowered himself beside Nakarai's face. When his hand slid gently across Nakarai's back, he could feel how damp his skin had become with sweat.

 

A pang of guilt washed over him. At the same time, a stubborn determination took hold.

 

*I'm going to make this work.*

 

Before tonight, he'd been half resigned to the possibility that it might not happen. But now they had come all this way in the middle of the night, booked a hotel, and bought lubricant. It felt like such a waste for everything to end here.

 

"...I want to get my money's worth."

 

"...What?"

 

"I just feel that way."

 

Hagiwara laughed.

 

"Nakarai-san, you're seriously unusual."

 

"Really?"

 

"If you were a woman, you'd be a complete nightmare."

 

"What's that supposed to mean?"

 

"You've got a difficult past, you're hard to approach, but once someone gets to know you, you suddenly become surprisingly talkative."

 

"Your moods change as quickly as the weather during the rainy season. I bet women wouldn't want to introduce someone like you to their boyfriend."

 

Nakarai frowned.

 

"Was that supposed to be an insult?"

 

"I'm not really sure myself."

 

Hagiwara smiled awkwardly.

 

"This is a weird time to be insulting someone."

 

"You're the one picking a fight."

 

"Am I?"

 

Nakarai couldn't tell what Hagiwara had meant. Whether he was criticising him or simply saying it was a good thing he wasn't a woman. Either way, it wasn't exactly flattering.

 

"...I don't really know how to explain it."

 

Hagiwara hesitated before quietly asking,

 

"Could we... just try doing this normally?"

 

"Normally?"

 

"I mean..."

 

"...like ordinary sex."

 

"Not... Okay, here we go... now I'm putting it in.'"

 

He looked at Nakarai.

 

"...If being with me doesn't make you feel uncomfortable."

 

"That'd be you, not me. Are you sure about this? Aren't you pushing yourself too far, trying to pretend I'm a woman?"

 

"...Maybe."

 

"But this kind of step-by-step process just makes me nervous. It feels too clinical..."

 

He gave a helpless smile.

 

"So... please."

 

"...All right."

 

Nakarai couldn't imagine anything less likely to kill the mood than carefully following a proper sequence, but if that was what Hagiwara needed, then so be it.

 

"Tell me if I'm too heavy."

 

Hagiwara slowly lowered his weight onto him. Their bare chests met. Bone pressed against bone. It felt awkward, as though someone had tried to force two model parts that weren't meant to fit together.

 

For a moment, Nakarai wondered if someone was silently telling him, *See? This isn't right.* But he said nothing. Instead, he wrapped both arms firmly around Hagiwara's back, drawing him closer.

 

Hagiwara, who had clearly been trying not to lean on him too much, hesitated before relaxing into the embrace.

 

"You won't crush me."

 

Nakarai spoke quietly against the skin only inches away.

 

"I'm not a woman."

 

"...Yeah."

 

It felt good. The warmth of another living body. The texture of bare skin. The steady beat of another person's heart heard through direct contact. It was something he'd wanted for so long. Something he'd longed for with desperate persistence, like praying for rain.

 

Nakarai closed his eyes. He tried to imagine that the weight resting on him was Kazuaki's. He'd thought that having a real body instead of relying on fantasy might make it easier.

 

It didn't. The scent. The rhythm of his breathing. The subtle sense of another person's presence. Everything was different. Closing his eyes only made him more aware that this wasn't Kazuaki.

 

*This isn't Kazuaki.*

 

The thought became clearer with every passing second.

 

Yet...he didn't feel disgusted.

 

"...May I touch you?"

 

Hagiwara asked softly.

 

"Yeah."

 

He began cautiously, stroking Nakarai's shoulders and upper arms—safe places, places that didn't feel too intimate. It was still far removed from sex. Even so, they weren't parts of the body he would normally let someone else touch so casually.

 

His hand gradually travelled lower. It paused over one small, raised point.

 

"I'm ticklish."

 

"So that's where you're ticklish."

 

As though he'd anticipated the reaction, Hagiwara's fingertips lingered there. Nakarai instinctively reached to move his hand away, embarrassed. But Hagiwara's fingers persisted.

 

The sensitive spot quickly stiffened beneath his touch, changing texture between his fingertips. The faint ticklishness that had burst like tiny bubbles gradually deepened into something unmistakably pleasurable.

 

"...Ah..."

 

Hagiwara bent his head.

 

He gently nipped the spot, then drew it between his lips, trying different ways of caressing it.

 

"...Mm..."

 

Nakarai had intended not to make a sound, but when Hagiwara's tongue finally traced over the hardened peak, a quiet gasp escaped him for the first time.

 

His hand moved lower.

 

"...Nn... ah..."

 

The moment Hagiwara touched him, his body reacted. It wasn't quite the same as touching himself. The rhythm. The pressure. The angle of Hagiwara's fingers.

 

Sometimes it wasn't quite enough.

 

Sometimes it was frustrating.

 

Sometimes it stung just a little.

 

Yet it carried a raw, direct warmth that was completely different from what he could give himself. The unexpected intensity caught him off guard.

---

 

*Even though it isn't Kazuaki...*

 

*Even though it isn't him... I'm still enjoying this.*

 

*Was it really enough for it to be anyone...?*

 

"...Nn... ah!"

 

Hagiwara's fingertips traced from the base to the tip, then lightly circled the sensitive opening. The moment he toyed with that exposed, hypersensitive spot, clear fluid immediately beaded at the tip, leaving Nakarai no time to think.

 

"...Ah... ah..."

 

"This is the lubricant, right?"

 

"...Mm..."

 

Hagiwara picked up the bottle lying beside the pillow and poured the liquid directly over Nakarai's lower abdomen. The cool stream slid slowly over his skin. For an instant, the chill made him shiver, but it was quickly replaced by waves of heat that spread through every part of his body.

 

The lubricant coated him in a thin, glistening sheen, making him look even more indecently aroused. Hagiwara wrapped his hand around him and stroked him firmly. The sensation was almost like being enveloped by something impossibly soft and impossibly thin.

 

He forgot the lubricant's coldness almost immediately.

 

"...Ah—ah... ngh...!"

 

Lifting one of Nakarai's legs onto his shoulder and exposing him completely, Hagiwara gently parted the tight opening with his fingers. The slickness offered little resistance as he carefully worked his way inside.

 

Nakarai could never have done something like this to himself. The thought of how exposed he must look made embarrassment surge through him.

 

"...No..."

 

"Does it hurt? One finger seems to be all right so far..."

 

"No... that's not..."

 

For some reason, Hagiwara's own face flushed red.

 

"...Huh?"

 

"I mean... it's just... embarrassing."

 

"What? Why are you embarrassed?"

 

"I'm trying to ignore how embarrassed I am too."

 

Hagiwara gave a self-conscious smile.

 

"Just imagining I'm doing this to someone from work..."

 

"And on top of that, I'm the one who asked you..."

 

"Sex is embarrassing anyway."

 

"So... just bear with me a little longer."

 

The explanation was vague, but before Nakarai could make sense of it, a second finger slowly entered him. There was no room to struggle. Hagiwara carefully took his time, allowing him to adjust, gently stretching him and feeling along the inner walls with deliberate care. His fingertips searched every sensitive place they could reach.

 

When they rotated slightly inside him, the unfamiliar twisting sensation somehow transformed into a pleasure he'd never experienced before, sending fresh excitement through his body.

 

"...Ah... nn..."

 

"I think... I can go a little further."

 

Eventually three fingers stretched him open together, unmistakably preparing him for what was to come. They moved in and out in a slow, steady rhythm, varying the pressure as they reached deeper inside him.

 

There were places he couldn't see yet somehow knew were there. Each time Hagiwara's fingertips brushed against one particular spot, the sensation travelled straight through him. It connected with the desire that had never completely subsided, creating a completely different pleasure from either masturbation or Hagiwara's touch until now.

 

"...N-no... ah... ah...!"

 

Hagiwara ignored his weak protests. Once his fingers had claimed every place they could reach, he brought his erection back against the slickness once more.

 

Feeling that Hagiwara was fully aroused as well brought an unexpected sense of relief to Nakarai. At least this wasn't one-sided.

 

There was something mutual between them after all.

---

 

That was why.

 

Trust. Balance. Communication.

 

Sex required all of those things.

 

"...I'm going to..."

 

"...put it in now."

 

"...Yeah."

 

It wasn't nearly as easy as with his fingers. His body instinctively tensed at the unfamiliar hardness and heat pressing against him. His legs, spread wider than felt natural, stiffened involuntarily, and cold sweat broke out along his temples.

 

"...Ngh..."

 

Even so, Nakarai deliberately opened his legs a little farther, silently telling Hagiwara not to stop. Bracing himself with both hands on Nakarai's knees, Hagiwara slowly pushed his hips forward.

 

"...Ah...!"

 

Nakarai squeezed his eyes shut. Although nothing had struck him, white flashes burst across the darkness behind his eyelids.

 

"...S-sorry..."

 

"It's..."

 

Apparently, it had gone in. Hagiwara looked down at him anxiously while Nakarai brushed the damp fringe from his forehead. It felt as though a thick stake had been driven through the centre of his body.

 

He could barely move. Even breathing properly was difficult. Everything felt awkward and uncomfortable. But maybe they could still continue.

 

"...Does it hurt?"

 

"...Ah..."

 

Hagiwara's voice was full of concern.

 

Nakarai gave a faint, wry smile.

 

"I'd be lying if I said it doesn't hurt."

 

"And I'd be lying if I said it isn't uncomfortable."

 

"It's... hard to explain."

 

"I don't think you can really understand unless you've experienced it yourself."

 

Hagiwara looked genuinely alarmed.

 

"...I don't think I could."

 

Nakarai chuckled.

 

"I never asked you to trade places with me."

 

"...So?"

 

Hagiwara asked cautiously.

 

"What do you honestly think?"

 

"No holding back."

 

"To be honest..."

 

"It's not bad."

 

"In fact..."

 

"...it actually feels pretty good."

 

"I think we can just keep going normally."

 

"...Really?"

 

"Yeah."

 

Then, after a brief pause, Hagiwara looked at him with complete seriousness.

 

"If it gets too much, promise you'll tell me."

 

"All right."

 

"No, seriously."

 

"I mean it."

 

"Yeah, yeah."

 

Nakarai laughed.

 

"What is this conversation?"

 

Hagiwara laughed as well, though his expression remained earnest.

 

Slowly, very cautiously...He began to move. His movements were hesitant, showing a complete lack of experience. Watching him, Nakarai found himself thinking that, somehow, it almost felt as though he were an experienced seducer corrupting an innocent virgin.

 

The thought was absurd. But somehow he didn't dislike it. The unfamiliar fullness inside him was undeniably awkward. The stretched ring of muscle still stung faintly, and every time Hagiwara withdrew or pushed back in, a heavy pressure settled deep in his abdomen, as though he had swallowed lead.

 

Yet once he stopped thinking about the physical sensation alone, he realised he didn't want to reject it at all.

 

Hagiwara was watching him constantly. With his eyes. His hands. His ears. With his whole body. Nakarai could feel him carefully reading every reaction, trying not to make him endure any more discomfort than necessary.

 

Was that because neither of them really knew what they were doing? Because they were both worried?

 

Or was Hagiwara always this considerate with anyone he slept with?

 

---

 

"There are people who'd throw away a body like yours..."

 

Hagiwara murmured.

 

"What a waste."

 

He cupped Nakarai's cheeks in both hands and looked straight into his eyes.

 

"...No."

 

"Is it still too much?"

 

The moment Nakarai reached out and touched him gently, Hagiwara immediately stopped moving, his expression filled with hesitant concern.

 

*So that's how it was...*

 

*I really didn't know anything about you.*

 

*I never knew you held someone so gently.*

 

He remembered Hagiwara teasing him once.

 

*"Have you ever even seen people having sex?"*

 

Back then, Nakarai hadn't understood what he meant.

 

Because he truly hadn't known anything.