The Grim Lover

Fourteen led me away from the convenience store, across to the beach, and stopped at a quiet corner under a tree. The beach lights illuminated us from above. He helped me sit on a beach chair, while he knelt down in front of me, his large hands gripping my shoulders. I could feel Fourteen trying to look into my eyes, but I couldn't respond. I was too afraid, terrified of everything, even meeting those eyes that resembled the eyes of the man I loved.

 

"Please...listen to me." Fourteen's voice wasn't calm and cold as usual. Unbelievable. Finally, this day had come, the day I saw his distress, even if only a little. "It's alright. It's alright. Nobody hurt you."

 

“No… I’m wrong, wrong again.” I continued to tremble. Fourteen’s voice entered my ears, but didn’t penetrate my mind. It couldn’t be helped. Even though he insisted, the terrifying feeling that was tearing at my legs wouldn’t go away. “I can’t escape now. They’ll come after me. They’ll catch me. I killed someone. I killed someone. The patient died. Gloy died. I killed… I killed someone again.”

 

I covered my ears with my hands. Suddenly, everything became hushed up. The waves, the birds, the wind, the sounds from the convenience store, even Fourteen's voice were driving me crazy. It was too much. I couldn't take it anymore. I was trembling all over, trembling so much I thought I was going to die. I thought I was going to die in a few minutes.

 

“No, Won, you didn’t do it. You didn’t do anything at all,” Fourteen said firmly. He squeezed my shoulder harder. It hurt, but at the same time, I thought it might help me stop shaking, because I couldn’t control myself. Maybe if he held me, I wouldn’t shake anymore. “Take a deep breath.”

 

"No, I don't want to breathe. I don't want to breathe. I can't do it. I can't breathe."

 

"Please, I beg you, listen to me. Breathe slowly."

 

What should I do? How should I handle this? I'm scared. I feel suffocated. It's like something is pressing down on my chest. I'm going to suffocate. I can't breathe.

 

"Won," Fourteen's voice changed again. This time, it wasn't the frantic tone that enveloped him; it was a gentle warmth. I could feel it. He softened the sea breeze, lessened the frightening sound of the waves. The hand that had been gripping my shoulder tightly slowly loosened. With a feeling of vulnerability, I decided to look up and meet his gaze. "It's alright. You're safe now."

 

He smiles. The person in front of me...he was smiling.

 

The heavy weight that had been pressing down on me suddenly felt as light as a dried leaf. My trembling body gradually calmed, piece by piece. The fear that was about to kill me transformed into a tiny puppy, sitting with its head tilted, looking bewildered. I was probably confused as to how I could be afraid of such an adorable creature.

 

"Are you scared?" He continued to smile, looking at me like an innocent little child, and chuckled softly. "There's nothing to be afraid of, look."

 

"P'Fah..." My voice was still trembling, difficult to speak normally, but it didn't seem too difficult anymore.

 

I rushed towards him, throwing myself into a tight embrace that caused the man who was crouching on the ground to lose his balance and fall onto the sand. But there was no complaint. He raised his arms and hugged me, letting me lie on top of him, and sobbed loudly like a child.

 

The gentle stroke of my head made me want to cry even more. It was like hundreds of painful burdens I'd carried all along were being lifted, exploding and shattering, becoming mere feathers. And I, in turn, became a little child running into the embrace of the human being I loved and trusted most.

 

"I was so scared I was going to die." I sobbed uncontrollably, burying my face in his broad chest, my only refuge at this moment. I knew the person here wasn't P'Fah, but for a fleeting moment, I believed I had him back. "Please don't leave me. Can we stay together forever?"

 

He didn't answer, but instead hugged me tighter. I don't know what I was expecting, or if he hesitated at my pleas, but his embrace made me feel so safe. From being terrified to the point of panic, I now felt safe. I believed him when he said no one could hurt me.

 

Even though it's Fourteen, he didn't do a bad job of being my older brother.

 

Fourteen drove me back after my symptoms subsided. As my consciousness returned, I realised how embarrassing what I had done earlier was. I lunged at Fourteen, sobbing on his chest for a long time, begging and pleading as if I were the most important person in his life.

 

That's why I sat the whole way, reclining my seat and lying facing the car window, letting Fourteen drive quietly. In my head, I was trying to organise my thoughts and feelings, which were a complete mess. Everything happened so fast that I wasn't prepared. I panicked and didn't have time to process anything. That's why it's only just beginning now, when reality is crashing into me.

 

I can't believe all this nonsense is happening to me. Three weeks ago, my fiancée was killed in a car accident. I became a suspect in a surgical homicide. I fell out with my best friend, someone I'd never even argued with before. And today, I've lost her.

 

It's incredibly difficult to describe this feeling. I wish I could put every feeling in order and endure them one by one, but, of course, in real life, no one can do that. No matter how difficult it is, you have to accept it; there's no escaping it.

 

I can say with certainty that I hate Gloy. From the moment I heard her true feelings about what happened, I couldn't see her the same way anymore. All I see is jealousy, selfishness, and a lack of conscience. No matter how this ends, we're never going to be together again. It's a permanent separation. But I never thought our separation would be this severe.

 

Gloy is a selfish person who was once my friend. A friend I saw every day, ate meals with, and who listened to my problems, and I reciprocated by listening to hers. She was the first to know about my engagement to P'Fah, and she helped find a shop for the wedding invitations and favours. Even though I knew she often talked behind my back, saying I'd won the lottery for dating P'Fah, I dismissed that unease because I believed she was at least happy for my marriage.

 

My relationship with Gloy was very strange. Many times, I felt it was toxic and insincere. But then came the day we had to part, the day I decided to hate her, and until today, the day I received news of her death, my heart aches with agonising pain.

 

I never wanted her to die. The only person I can welcome death is myself. Why don't the people who should die just die? I don't understand. Why is life so difficult? What kind of person can choose the path that suits them without causing pain to others?

 

"You."

 

Suddenly, the person who had been silent the whole way broke the silence. Fourteen's voice made my heart flutter a little. I was secretly apprehensive, afraid that he would bring up what happened at the beach, because I wasn't ready to argue with him about that yet.

 

"Mm-hmm," I responded softly, still lying with my back to him.

 

"Should I find a doctor?"

 

Am I imagining things, or is he learning to be human? Normally, Fourteen never asked for my opinion before. As far as I remember, it was always "No, you have to do that," or "You can't do that." But now he's acting like he's consulting me.

 

"Why are you looking for it?" I asked back.

 

"I think you should know better," Fourteen replied, "You're a doctor, aren't you?"

 

I understand what he means. It's not like I'm completely consumed by my own sadness and oblivious to everything else. I've known I haven't been normal for a while, and the symptoms I experienced at the beach made it even clearer. It wasn't just the shock of someone who had just received upsetting news, but the resilience I used to have wasn't strong enough anymore.

 

"Do you think I'd still have the mental capacity to sit here and receive treatment in this situation?"

 

"I think now is the best time for you to get treatment," Fourteen replied in a serious tone. I guessed he'd been thinking about this since driving off from Bang Saen, but decided to say it after driving more than halfway. Could you call that thoughtfulness? "If you continue like this, you won't be able to handle what comes next."

 

In the past, that sentence would have made me furious. I don't like being told I can't do something. Some people might feel pressured when those around them keep telling them, "You can do it, you can do it," but for me, being told to my face that I probably can't do it is far worse. But now I'm not upset about it anymore. I know I'm not as strong as I used to be.

 

"You have a friend who's a psychiatrist, right?" Fourteen asked.

 

"Yes," I replied, "but I probably couldn't get treatment with my friend."

"Ask a friend to recommend a doctor."

 

"Hmm..." I pondered. Honestly, I didn't want to talk to anyone right now. But if I couldn't die, there was only one option: to fight. And if I had to fight, I had to save myself first. 

 

"Actually, there is someone who might be able to help. He's a friend of P'Fah's."

 

"Do you have a number?"

 

"I have."

 

"When we get back to your room, can I have it?"

 

I think I'm not imagining things anymore. Fourteen has been really kind to me. Maybe it's pity or maybe sympathy, which is still unbelievable that a heartless Grim Reaper like him could have such subtle feelings.

 

"Are you going to make an appointment for me?" I asked.

 

"Mm-hmm," Fourteen replied, as if he didn't think there was anything strange about him arranging these things for me. "So, is that alright?"

 

He asked permission again. The manipulative ghost has truly left the body.

 

"Do whatever you want," I replied, and that was it. Actually, I wanted to say something better, but I don't know what was wrong with my mouth. Maybe I've started picking up some bad habits from him.

 

After returning to my condo to compose myself and regain my composure, I started following the news about Gloy seriously again, even though deep down I didn't want to know anything at all. But that wasn't something I could choose. Soon, everyone would target me. The previous issue hadn't even been resolved yet, and people were already calling me a murderer everywhere. With this new incident, in less than a month, I'd become a ruthless doctor who had killed two people: a patient on the operating table and my own close friend.

 

From the news reports so far, the incident occurred on the night that Fourteen and I sneaked into the hospital. Gloy had just finished a surgery around midnight (which is how she happened to run into me). She stayed at the hospital for a while longer, presumably called to help with a consultation in another department, before leaving around 1:30 AM. Fourteen, and I left before her. After that, Gloy didn't contact anyone again until the morning. 

 

People in the department started noticing something was wrong when Gloy hadn't arrived at the hospital,l even though it was already time for her morning rounds, and they couldn't contact her. Another surgical staff member then contacted Chieng in the orthopaedic department, but was told that they didn't know either and hadn't spoken to her the day before.

 

Gloy's disappearance was considered strange, and everyone, including Chieng, became worried. During lunchtime, he drove to Gloy's house. After ringing the doorbell and receiving no answer, he forced his way in, only to find Gloy lying in a pool of blood in the kitchen. She had been motionless for some time. Forensic investigators concluded she likely died sometime between 2 and 3 AM that day. 

 

However, no suspects have been found, as there were no security cameras in the neighbourhood or inside the house (there were none inside to begin with, and while there was a camera housing on the street near the house, there was no camera itself). Furthermore, no fingerprints were found in the house except those of Gloy and Chieng, who were the first to discover the body.

 

The police haven't yet determined the exact cause of death, but public opinion is already convinced it was murder. Many online experts have commented, and they all agree that injuries of that nature could never have been caused by a fall. Furthermore, Gloy had pre-existing conflicts, suggesting a pre-existing motive and reason. Naturally, the first person implicated in this case is me.

 

My keeping a low profile and avoiding media scrutiny hasn't made me seem innocent; on the contrary, it's made me appear even more suspicious in the eyes of most people. Because I haven't responded to any accusations, nor have I given statements to the police as summoned, everything seems to fit together as if I'm on the run, planning revenge using the typical tactics of knowledgeable psychopaths. Now, people outside are imposing that character on me.

 

I'll probably receive the second summons soon. This time it seems more serious because I appear to be fully involved in both cases. It's attracted a huge crowd of media and the general public. I think I can't run away anymore; I have to face it. But right now, I don't know what I'll use to fight them. The lack of evidence might make it impossible to convict me, but at the same time, it makes me look more and more like a criminal, because I don't know how to convince people that I didn't do it.

 

Oh! Actually, there's no evidence at all. The investigation team seems to have CCTV footage of me sneaking into the hospital. It shows me meeting with Gloy, arguing for a while, and then I leave. Based on this single piece of evidence (which can hardly be called evidence), people have speculated all sorts of things. The most popular one, of course, is that of me driving away first, then waiting for Gloy at her house, waiting for her to come back, and then killing her.

 

What a brilliant plan!

 

"You," Fourteen, opened the bedroom door, seemingly opening the door to my own thoughts as well. "The doctor's here."

 

"Oh... okay," I nodded slightly, adjusting my hair a little before slowly getting out of bed. Fourteen watched me as if scanning me from head to toe for abnormalities, which I personally thought was a waste of time because everything was abnormal anyway. Nothing was working properly.

 

"I'll wait here."

 

"You really could just sit with me," I said, chuckling. "You know exactly what I'm thinking."

 

"Yes, but I think the doctor would prefer to talk to you alone."

 

"So, in short, you're just being considerate of the doctor, is that it?"

 

"I know everything, but I can't help you," Fourteen said calmly. I didn't want to overthink it, but lately, it seemed like something was beginning to flash in his dark eyes. I could sense it, but that was it. I couldn't interpret it. "But I think he might be able to help you. Go talk to him."

 

I stared at his face for a moment, suddenly overwhelmed by an indescribable feeling. If I had been a little less rational, I would have rushed to hug him. But luckily, I knew what was right and wrong.

 

Just him being a good friend is already very touching. I don't want to act weird and ruin this good atmosphere.

 

"Okay," I said with a faint smile. I didn't feel any particular joy; I just thought I should at least smile at him. "Thanks."

 

"Hello, doctor."

 

"Hello," the doctor greeted me with a polite smile. Although he looked a little stern, I knew he wasn't here to make me cry. "You're Won, aren't you?"

 

"Okay," I nodded, sitting down on the sofa next to him. He sat on the small single sofa, while I sat on the long one. Sitting diagonally from him like this made me feel comfortable.

 

"My name is Beam, but you can actually just call me P'Beam (older brother Beam)."

 

"Um...really?" I chuckled awkwardly. This was our first meeting, and suddenly being addressed so familiarly felt a little strange, but not to the point of being uncomfortable. This doctor had a certain aura that made me feel safe (despite his dangerous appearance). Perhaps they were just trained to be like that.

 

"So what do you call a sedan chair?"

 

"P'Kiao."

 

"Then you should be able to call me P'Beam."

 

I chuckled awkwardly in response. Meeting strangers for the first time has always been difficult for me, except at work. I don't feel like patients are strangers; I feel like they're people I have to work with. I already know what I should say, or what the patient wants to hear during that moment. There's nothing to be nervous about. But now it's different. I'm not Dr Won anymore; I'm just Won, an ordinary guy with occasional social skills issues.

 

"That's fine," I said softly, my mind racing, wondering what I should ask in return, and what question would be impolite. "Um... how is P'Kiew?"

 

"He's doing well?" Dr Beam replied in a relaxed manner. He seemed pleased that I asked back. "Maybe a little busy with his boyfriend, but he's happy."

 

"Oh, I didn't know he had a boyfriend!”

 

"They've been dating for a while. He's a lawyer, and he's as handsome as a Wong Kar-wai movie star."

 

"wow..."

 

Dr Beam's story about his close friend is more interesting than I thought. I haven't seen Dr Kiew in a long time. The first time was many years ago, before Noon, at the wedding of one of P'Fah's classmates. Back then, he was still jumping to catch the bride's bouquet and even went up on stage to promote himself, saying he had a wedding date set but no groom yet. Anyone interested could contact him. I'm pretty sure quite a few people were interested, but in the end, he didn't get involved with anyone. 

 

P'Fah said Dr Kiew is the type who loves fun but doesn't like commitment (completely different from P'Fah). Personally, I think he's incredibly cool – smart, sociable, and handsome. He's even more charming when he talks. Back then, I couldn't help but wonder how someone like him could stay single. But after hearing Dr Beam's story, I understand now. He must have been waiting for his soulmate, and now that he's found him, it's been more than worth the wait.

 

"I'm so happy for P'Kiew," I said with a smile. "It's really hard to meet someone you like a lot, and who likes you back."

 

"That's right, it's not easy at all," Dr Beam nodded in agreement. "And does Won like being in love?"

 

The young psychiatrist skillfully pulled me onto a terrifying journey. These people are sometimes like wizards and witches; P'Kiew is one of them. Talking to him made me feel like I was being extracted without any discomfort. Meeting P'Beam was equally terrifying. At first, I almost forgot about it, thinking we were just going to have a casual chat, but it seems we have no choice but to keep going.

 

"Actually, I neither like nor dislike it. I just don't think it's necessary. I can live perfectly fine without love," I answered, like the most self-reliant person in the world, a working man who values ​​his independence above all else, and who hasn't attempted suicide countless times because he just lost the only love he ever had. "The big thing is... once I had it, it turned out to be really great."

 

"That means Won has done twice as well! He not only found someone he likes and who likes him, but he also found a really great person."

 

"It was good. When I think back to it now, I used to be very proud of myself."

 

"So you're not proud anymore?"

"I don't know," he said. "This is just the beginning. Only the first part of this terrifying journey, but it's already weighing heavily on my heart. I don't know what else to be proud of."

 

"I'm proud that we've maintained our relationship for so long... isn't that okay?"

 

"I may have always done well, but just one mistake and it was all over. I never got a chance to redeem myself."

 

I didn't expect to be able to prevent that accident. There's no reason to tell P'Fah not to drive at that time, or to tell that politician's son to drive more carefully. Those things are too supernatural; even Fourteen probably couldn't do them.

 

My biggest regret is letting P'Fah die, believing I wasn't happy. Even until the last day of his life, P'Fah still thought that if he didn't adopt the child, I would never truly be happy, even though that wasn't true at all. Having children wasn't my source of happiness. Having children with him makes me happy.

 

I shouldn't have left that problem with him. I shouldn't have projected my expectations onto him like that. I shouldn't have let us be tense with each other for weeks. I should have held his hand, should have invited him to sit down and talk things out again. I should have been less selfish, and most importantly, I should have told him how happy I am that we're together.

 

"So, do you think that's the reason you're feeling sad?" the doctor asked. He worked differently from Fourteen. The Grim Reaper understood me by reading my thoughts, while the psychiatrist in front of me was encouraging me to speak up for myself. 

 

"That one mistake that you couldn't fix...is that really the reason?"

 

"I don't know," I replied, expressing my first thought. "There could be several possibilities, and this might be one of them."

 

"What are some of those 'many things' you're talking about? Can you tell me?"

 

"um..."

 

It's difficult too.

 

There are so many things that make me sad, I don't know how to list them all. It would be hard to even put them in order. It would be easier to write a list of things that make me happy; that would probably take me less than a minute.

 

"That's a lot," I scratched my cheek, feeling embarrassed at the thought of having to tell him everything that upset me. I figured I wouldn't even get halfway through; he'd probably think I'm some kind of overthinker who complains about everything in the world. "For me, everything that's happening right now is just sad."

 

"Is it all gone?"

 

"yes"

 

Is it pathetic that I replied so quickly?

 

But this is true.

 

"If you could fix it, do you think you would be happier?"

 

"Yes," I replied. "If none of this had ever happened, I would be very happy."

 

“What if it’s impossible?” Dr Beam’s question wasn’t unexpected at all. I didn’t even need to use my imagination, because that’s exactly what’s happening right now. It’s impossible. Everything I wanted already had an answer. “If you can’t change what’s already happened, what do you think you’ll become?”

 

"I guess it'll just keep going like this," I could only answer, because that was the only option I had left. "If in the end there's nothing I can change, I'll just have to endure it. Sadness is sadness, pain is pain. Since I can't die... I'll just have to live like this."

 

"Don't you think you can ever be happy again, Won?"

 

"If you ask me now, it would probably be difficult."

 

"So that means you still believe, huh?" Dr Beam smiled. He's more of a smiler than I thought. That fierce look in his eyes must have scared people away for no reason countless times. "Right now, you think it's difficult to be happy. That means the answer might change in the future, right?"

 

"I don't know," I replied. "It might not change."

 

"Just the word 'maybe' means there's nothing to be afraid of," the doctor seemed genuinely convinced. I saw a glimmer of hope in his eyes. "I believe in possibilities."

 

"The difference between zero per cent and one per cent...it's a big difference."

 

Suddenly, another person's words popped into his head. They conveyed the same message, but from two people in completely different positions. For Dr Beam, this wasn't strange at all. He was a psychiatrist; if he had no hope, there was nothing left in this world.

 

But the other one is a Grim Reaper.

 

Why would he come and give false hope to people like me?

 

"Even though you might feel like everything is terrible right now, I believe there are still good things happening to you."

 

Good things that have happened to me, huh? How could he know better than me? In this mess, if anything good were to happen, I'd be the first to know. But right now, I feel nothing.

 

"The house is still spotless," Dr Beam continued, as if reading my mind. He glanced around before his gaze returned to mine. "There's fresh fruit on the table. You must have just bought it, right?"

 

"Oh... these?" I chuckled softly. "My friends did them all. I didn't have the energy to do anything like that."

 

"Is that so…?" The doctor nodded slowly before continuing, "But Won still looks great. For someone who's been through so much, Won doesn't look worn out at all. His clothes are freshly laundered, he smells good, and his nails are neatly trimmed. He's still taking good care of himself."

 

"These were all done by my friends," I said, feeling increasingly embarrassed. I could only laugh awkwardly at Dr Beam's attempts to find things to praise me for. In reality, none of the things he praised was my own doing. "My friends forced me to eat on time every meal. They made sure I ate my favourite food. They also made sure I showered and washed my hair thoroughly. For the first week, I didn't do any laundry; I just wore my old clothes, and they took them all to be laundered. They even cut my nails because they were afraid that if I let them grow long, I'd scratch myself. Lately, I... I've been hurting myself a lot."

 

"I see," Dr Beam nodded again, but for some reason, this time I felt like I was being teased a little. "Is the friend you were talking about the one who went down to pick me up just now?"

 

"yes"

 

"And he was the one who called to make the appointment."

 

"Yes, that's him."

 

"Hmm...that's a really good friend."

 

A good friend... I'd never thought about Fourteen from this perspective before, because I knew why he did everything he did. When I told the doctor this, it wasn't surprising that he thought of him as a wonderful friend, attentive to every detail, and taking care of me from head to toe, day and night, out of concern. In reality, Fourteen did it out of necessity; he did it for his own survival, which I understand. But I just couldn't tell anyone else this.

 

"I saw his face." "Yes, he helped me a lot." Unable to explain anything, he just went along with it. "But...aren't you surprised, I mean...Don?"

 

“Huh?” Dr Beam raised his eyebrows slightly, seemingly confused about what I was talking about, but after a moment, he exclaimed, “Oh, you mean the face thing? No, don’t worry. He already told me about it on the phone.”

 

"Tell me...what is it?"

 

"He said he's Fah's cousin, so that's why they might look alike. At first, I didn't understand. I thought, 'How could they look so similar?' But he said that other people are often surprised when they see them, so he wanted to tell me beforehand, in case I got a shock," the stern-faced doctor said with a chuckle. "At first glance, they really do look alike, but upon closer inspection, they're very different. Their personalities and way of speaking are completely different."

 

It was quite unexpected that Dr Beam would so easily believe Fourteen's elementary-level fabricated story. I thought he'd be more astute. Or was it because Fourteen said it that it seemed believable? Never mind. It's good enough that he's easy to deal with.

 

"Ah... yes," I said with an awkward smile. "I was surprised when I first met him."

 

"But he's a really nice guy. In the elevator, he asked me for help."

 

Thump!

 

A loud crash came from the bedroom, interrupting Dr Beam's sentence. I spun around towards the sound before hearing the word "Sorry."

 

The sound of "T" suddenly popped into my head. What are you playing with?

 

"What did he say?" I asked Dr Beam after seeing that he said nothing. I was still curious about what Fourteen had discussed with the secret doctor.

 

"Oh...it's nothing," Dr Beam seemed to be trying to suppress a laugh. He'd changed his mind about what he'd intended to say, all because of Fourteen. Fourteen had interrupted at the worst possible time. "Your friend said you just got back from Bang Saen yesterday. Did you have fun at the beach?"

 

What a change of subject! I guess I've really lost my chance to find out what Fourteen had said.

 

"At first, no. I didn't really want to go because I used to go to Bang Saen with P' Fah often, and I was afraid I'd miss him even more. But he forced me to go," I answered honestly. "But once we got there, the sea was beautiful. He took me to a very quiet beach, so I had a chance to get back at him. At first, we didn't even plan to swim, but in the end, we were both soaked, and my pants pockets were full of sand."

 

"Are you getting revenge for something? For forcing you to go with them?"

 

"Yes, and many other things too. He likes to criticise, tease, and prank me a lot. But this time, I got my revenge. It's so satisfying."

 

"Sounds like fun."

 

"Yes, it was very fun."

 

I spoke without thinking, but then hesitated. The image from minutes ago flashed back when I told the doctor my life was filled with sadness, that everything that happened caused me so much pain, and that I didn't know when I'd ever be happy again. Yet, just now, I'd confidently said, "It was so much fun," and before I knew it, the corner of my mouth was curving upwards.

 

I want to forget everything that happened at the beach because I hate the feelings I'm carrying over. I hate that I had a meltdown, that I cried and screamed. I hate that Fourteen had to bear the brunt of my emotions and comfort me back to my senses. From now on, every time I think of that place, those images will come back, firmly tied to the memory of the day Gloy died.

 

But that picture on the beach... when Fourteen and I were playing pranks on each other like crazy. I think it would be good if we could keep it.

 

Dr Beam has left. He prescribed antidepressants and medication to help with panic attacks, but I have to pick them up at the clinic tomorrow. Dr Beam said that he doesn't usually do home visits, but because P'Kiew asked him to take care of me, and knowing my situation, he agreed to help as a special case. He also said he'd prefer we meet at the clinic next time. I promised the doctor that I would take the medication myself, and he also said he would try to find an opportunity to bring me to the clinic. He was acting like my guardian.

 

But I didn't object to anything. I let him do whatever he wanted; it was normal. Talking to Dr Beam eased my mind a little, but at the same time, it felt like I'd also received new things to think about as homework.

 

After dinner, I retreated into my bedroom while Fourteen stayed outside reading comics. I sat huddled by the balcony door, staring out like a man consumed by despair (and I really was, more than just seemingly so). I'm so tired. There are so many things on my mind that I don't know where to begin. I always thought I was good at prioritising and solving problems, but now I can't.

 

So all I could do was sit there, hugging my knees, staring at the sky, and crying like a loser. Both body and mind are too exhausted. I don't want to do anything anymore. I don't want to fight, I don't want to bear any more burdens. I just want to stop thinking about everything. I just want to rest.

 

I want to meet P'Fah.

 

If P'Fah were by my side, everything would be easier.

The bedroom door opened, and standing there was a tall figure of a Grim Reaper, holding a small cup in each hand. After entering, the door slowly closed by itself.

 

"What?" I watched as Fourteen walked towards me, then sat down on the floor in the empty space beside him and placed the cup in his hand in front of him.

 

Cantaloupe with coconut milk?

 

"Eat some sweets," Fourteen said calmly, sliding a cup of dessert in front of me. "The doctor said eating sweets helps you feel refreshed, but you have to eat it in moderation, because sugar is still poison."

 

"So, do you want me to eat it or not?" I teased. His way of inviting me didn't sound like it would make me want to eat it at all, but I could sense his effort.

 

"Really?" "Eat," the young Grim Reaper insisted, nodding for me to try a bite of the cantaloupe floating with ice cubes in coconut milk. "You like it, don't you?"

 

He must have dug through P'Fah's memories again. Doesn't he get tired of having to understand my preferences every single day?

 

I didn't answer, my eyes glancing at the other bowl of dessert in front of him. I'd been surprised from the start that there were two bowls, since he normally prepared only one serving for me.

 

"Why are there two cups?" I asked.

 

"Mine," Fourteen replied expressionlessly, but that answer only confused me further. 

 

"Why? Do you want two bowls?"

 

“Can you eat it too?”

 

"I told you, I won't die if I eat it."

 

"But you said it wasn't necessary."

 

"It's not necessary, but I want to eat it now," the Grim Reaper said, reaching for a spoon. He carefully scooped together pieces of cantaloupe, ice, and fresh coconut milk into one spoonful. He stared at it for a moment, as if steeling himself, before finally taking a full bite.

 

This is no different from watching a celebrity review food they've never tried before. I stared at Fourteen, who was chewing on a Thai red soda with ice, making a crunching sound. His face remained expressionless, making it impossible for me to guess his opinion of what he was eating.

 

"How is it?" I asked eagerly. "Is it delicious?"

 

"Sweet," he replied. "Cold."

 

"It's colourful," I said, chuckling at his perfect description of the taste of cantaloupe in coconut milk. "And is it delicious?"

 

"It feels good."

 

"If that's the case, then that's what you'd call delicious."

 

"Delicious," Fourteen repeated after me like a child learning to speak. I chuckled at his reaction. "What's so funny? Eat."

 

I smiled at him before turning back to my own bowl of dessert. I took a bite. The sweetness of the syrup, the richness of the coconut milk, the fragrant aroma of the cantaloupe, and the coolness and crunchiness of the ice all combined in one sip, making it more refreshing than I expected. It was so refreshing that my earlier gloominess faded away incredibly.

 

So that's what "Tera" means.

 

"Is it delicious?" Fourteen asked me.

 

"Delicious," I replied. "Did you order it?"

 

“I did it myself"

 

"Did you know what to look for?"

 

"Just buy some Thai red chillies and coconut milk, and you can make it. It's easier than what you eat every day," Fourteen said casually, as if he hadn't just been simmering syrup, preparing a sweet dessert for me for dinner herself.

 

"I thought you were lying down reading comics."

 

"Finished reading."

 

"So, after you finish reading, you're going to make me some dessert?"

 

"Mm-hmm," he replied, scooping some pastry into his mouth. The Grim Reaper seemed to like sweets more than I thought. Right now, he seems to be enjoying himself more than I am.

 

It's cute too.

 

"Thank you"

 

"yeah"

 

Fourteen didn't even seem pleased with my thanks. He just kept his head down and ate, not saying anything. Seeing that, I didn't want to bother him. I turned back to eat my own dessert and let the silence of the night compose itself with the sweet aroma of the refreshing coconut milk and cantaloupe.

 

After a few minutes, only a coin-sized amount of coconut milk remained at the bottom of the cup. I propped my arms behind me, tilted my head back, and gazed at the night sky with a different feeling. It was better than sitting with my knees hugged to my chest, better than sitting alone, and Red Thai iced tea tasted far better than tears.

 

I froze when I felt the weight fall onto my lap. I didn't dare look down for fear of accidentally making eye contact with him. I didn't know what to do because I still don't understand why he suddenly did this. Fourteen is resting his head on my lap... Why?

 

I sat there, motionless, for several minutes, waiting for him to say something to explain this strange behaviour, but he said nothing. Fourteen just lay there quietly. It wasn't that he had fallen asleep, was it?

 

No.

 

Normally, he can't sleep.

 

Finally, curiosity won out. I looked down at the Grim Reaper on my lap, only to find him lying there with his eyes closed. Fourteen lay motionless, arms crossed, as if he thought I was his personal pillow. What was going on? Was he possessed? Or was he playing another trick on me? This time, I really couldn't keep up.

 

I was confused, but I didn't dare ask directly. I didn't know what to say, so I just sat there silently, secretly glancing at his face, which was closer than ever. My gaze swept from his dark eyebrows with the scar to the wound on his cheekbone. I couldn't help but wonder who he'd gotten into a fight with; why did he have injuries on his face? He didn't seem like the type of person to pick a fight, but if he did, it could be to the death.

 

But if that's the case, why let someone else get a facial scar? Doesn't he know how to take care of his handsome face at all?

 

Perhaps because I haven't been thinking straight lately, I let my instincts control my actions. I reached out and gently touched Fourteen's ear. He didn't resist; the sleepy Grim Reaper remained still. That reaction only emboldened me. I touched him harder, tracing my fingertips along his ear and gently rubbing it. If someone did that to me, I'd probably recoil from the tickling sensation, but Fourteen remained unfazed.

 

I moved my hand to his jawline.

 

This is so sharp, won't it cut our hands, Mr Grim Reaper?

 

My fingers extended to his chin, even his petal lower lip was not spared. He let me play with his hair as I pleased, completely unlike the grumpy Grim Reaper. My next target was his eyes. I moved my hand up to cover them both, even though he was already asleep, because it wouldn't be good if he accidentally opened them now.

 

Seconds later.

 

My lips pressed against his.

 

Even now, Fourteen, he still wouldn't stop me. He lay still, motionless like that, until I started moving my lips, gently and slowly pressing and caressing him. My heart was pounding, anxiously wondering when he would wake up and scold me.

 

But it never happened.

Fourteen doesn't scold me.

 

But he kissed back.