Beep. I slowly open my eyes upon the sound of the thermometer. 38.7. I have a fever.

 

The feverish feeling I've had for two days is a fever, apparently. Right. I wasn't being shy. We no longer have feelings for each other. There's only a fraction of longing left. From now on, I need to make it clearer, or I'll be misunderstood.

 

I stagger out of my room, planning to go to the fourth floor to get the pills from Sorn. I've never bought medicine since I moved here. All I have is the thermometer Sorn gave me just in case. The reason is that I faked being sick multiple times when I started working here, using it as an excuse to take days off. So, Sorn bought a thermometer to check my temperature every time I complained, to see whether I was being honest or lying.

 

I don't want to bother him, but the headache is killing me. I can't drag myself in tattered pyjamas to buy the pills. This is my first day feeling like the stairs are expanding and getting steeper. The distance from the second floor to the fourth floor feels endless. My head hurts.

 

Knock, knock.

I knock on Sor's door gently, leaning my forehead against the panel, my body burning. My back is drenched in sweat. It's not hot today, but the residence feels like a giant oven.

 

Knock, knock.

No response from Sorn. It's only six in the morning. Is he up already? That means I have to drag myself to the bottom floor, right? Just let me lie down here and die.

 

I'm about to turn around and head downstairs when, fortunately, Mee opens the door. The bulky guy is in whale boxers with messy hair. I frown at Mee in confusion.

 

"What?"

"Isn't it Sorn's room?" Am I mistaken due to my blurry eyes?

 

"It is."

"Why are you here?"

 

"None of your business. What do you want?" Mee asks in aggravation. I've hardly seen him aggravated. Maybe I'm interrupting his sleep, given how he keeps ruffling his hair.

"I need antipyretics."

"For what?" asks the drowsy guy.

 

To suck like candies, I guess?!

 

"My head hurts. My body's burning. I'm feeling super-duper feverish."

 

Mee touches my cheek as Sorn comes out of the bathroom. The restaurant owner is in the same state as his business partner. The usually tied hair points in different directions, like he's just woken up.

 

"Are you sick?"

 

"His body's hot." Mee returns inside the room. He rummages through a container in the closet for a while before handing me a pack of paracetamol. I accept it with delight. I'll survive now.

 

"Get some rest, Kieng. Your face has been red every day. Are you having a heat stroke?" Sorn asks in worry. 

 

I shake my head. I'm not having a heat stroke. Upon that question, the image of me being kissed several times in a row flashes in my mind. I clutch the pack of paracetamol in a fury. He got greedy after one kiss. I can't blame him, though. I was freezing there, allowing him to do it.

 

"Why did Mee sleep over in your room?" I'm still curious, slowly popping out two pills from the pack and handing them back to the man leaning on the door frame. Saying nothing, Sorn smiles softly and ruffles my hair.

 

"Go get some rest. Take a day off."

 

The wooden door is shut. In front of it is a small sign with a whale sticker on it. 'Luksorn'

 

Before I ask anything more, I hear a door opening from the third floor. I turn away from Sorn's sign and look at the man walking out of Tong's room. Ket, in a white shirt and shorts, yawns as he steps out. That messy hair is proof he's just woken up. Did he sleep in Tong's room again? Why?

 

"Take this back. Now quit overthinking it. See you tonight." Tong passes a thick book to Ket and closes the door, leaving the yawning man in front of the room.

What does it mean? See you tonight? Will Ket study in Tong's room again today?

Does it mean something else?

 

Feeling the stare, the man with dark brown eyes gazes up at me, holding the railing. Ket locks his emotionless eyes on me before treating me like air. He descends the stairs and returns to his unit, leaving the residence in silence. Darkness gradually consumes my heart.

 

What are you doing, Ket, sleeping in Tong's room? I always see him walking out of there. They also talk casually. He didn't only tutor you, right? Did you do something else? I halt, realising what the hell I'm thinking. 

 

It doesn't matter. This is not even interesting. They probably study how Fou and I hang out in our free time, typical of seniors and juniors. Even if they hook up, it has nothing to do with me. Why am I overthinking it?

 

I stride down the stairs from the fourth floor to my room. I close the door and plop on the floor. I feel even more feverish and nauseous.

 

"Blargh." It's not just a feeling. I'm throwing up. I puke into the toilet pathetically. Good thing I haven't taken the pills, or I would've had to drag myself up to the fourth floor again to get more medicine. My head throbs. I quickly shove the paracetamol into my mouth and gulp down the water before lying on the bed in exhaustion. 

 

It's none of my business. Stop overthinking it, Kieng. You seem close to Guy.' I grumbled, breaking the orange-flavoured double Popsicle in half and sharing it with the boy beside me. Ket seemed oddly close to the science-math senior lately, joining at the hips. As for coming to my classroom, he hadn't done that often since we started the tenth grade. I was the only one running to him.

 

'Hmm? He's just my senior.' I must've sulked really hard because Ket burst out laughing. 'Are you jealous?'

 

'Yes. Very much:' My answer brought a smile to Ket's face. He took my hand, and we swung on the swings together.

 

'He's just pestering me. He wants me to join the science trivia competition.' Oh, yeah? I heaved a sigh of relief.

 

'Someone keeps overthinking things.'

'I can't help it. I'm jealous.'

"I like that. It's cute.'

 

Barf.

I open my eyes and feel like throwing up again, but it's not from the headache this time. I want to puke because of that yucky dream. How could I tell him I was jealous back then? Ew, goosebumps.

 

When I dream unconsciously, it always brings me back to those memories. What the hell is wrong with me?

 

Well, I was pretty resolute back then. Once I set my mind on something, I never gave up until I succeeded. When it came to Ket, for example, I would express my feelings out loud. Otherwise, someone would've snatched him from me.

 

I'm a different person now. I don't care about anything. I study and work to pay rent, and I feel happy when I paint. I have no purpose after graduation. It's like I study just for the sake of it. I study to be able to live alone, far away from my shitty family. I have no one to take care of; I have completely cut ties with my brother, sister, and parents. All that's left is my father's last name. I don't really want to use it, but it'll be funny if I only have a first name.

 

Thinking about it leads to nothing. I rub my stomach, feeling hungry. Since this morning, I've only had two paracetamol and water. The clock on the headboard shows it's four in the afternoon. I stretch with an empty stomach since morning and put the thermometer under my armpit. Though my head feels better now, I'm still feverish.

38.3. At least it decreased.

 

I enter the bathroom to wash up and clean my body. I might find something to eat outside and get paracetamol on my way back. There will be more trouble later, I suppose. But when I open the door, someone blocks the way before I step out, even if his room is on the opposite side.

 

"Why are you standing here? Your room is over there."

 

Ket ignores my complaint. I look at the bowl of porridge and feel even more awkward.

Is that for me...?

 

Ket moves forward without saying anything, so I spread my arms to protect my beloved room, keeping him out. Please. Do not come any closer. If he comes into my room, full of the smell of my weakness, it will be mixed with his perfume. I don't want to think of Ket anymore, especially in my safe space.

 

"Let me come in. Sorn said you're sick, so I brought you food."

 

"It's okay. Just give me that." Ket and I try to yank the bowl for a while. At last, I lose to that strong guy who swerves inside and sits on the floor with seemingly still hot porridge.

 

I stand here, thinking about what to do, so Ket calls my name. I push myself from the door and settle on the floor next to my bed, kicking the scattered pencils and brushes away. I eye the delicious-looking porridge and know Mee cooked it.

 

"Mee made this but told you to bring it?" 

 

Isn't Ket taking the credit?

 

"He's busy. He's out to buy ingredients with Sorn since noon."

 

I see.

 

"Who made it, then? Tong? A guy like that can cook? Is it Tou? I thought he rotted in his room." 

 

I try my best to convince myself it's not Ket who made this porridge for me. He stares at me so hard his eyes nearly pop out.

 

"I made it."

"A young master like you knows how to cook?"

 

"A young master has limbs."

 

The room falls into silence.

 

"Will you eat? It'll get cold," Ket grumbles, and I take a bite. The warm porridge with minced pork feels good in my throat, which begins to sting. Besides, it tastes so superb that I almost smile. Realising Ket is staring, I scrunch my nose and finish it quickly.

 

"When did you take medicine?"

"Around six in the morning."

 

"Did you recheck your temperature?"

"I did."

 

"And?"

"38.3."

 

"The fever isn't gone. It's been hours. Take two more." With that, Ket pops out the pills from the pack and hands them to me with a bottle of water. I don't understand why he's taking care of me.

 

"What are we?" I ask in impatience. Ket freezes with the pills and water bottle, holding out to me.

 

"Why are you taking care of me? You could've just put it in front of my room and knocked on the door."

 

"Would you have eaten this had I done that?"

 

Huh, you smart ass.

 

"No."

"Yeah. Now stop asking, take medicine, and rest."

 

"I've slept all day."

"Sleep some more."

 

"Did you sleep in Tong's room last night?" I blurt out what's been eating at me. But since it's out there, I'll take this chance to get the answer. Why did Ket sleep in Tong's room? Why didn't he sleep in his own place? Do we have a new policy allowing us to sleep in someone else's room to save on electricity costs, given that Mee also sleeps in Som's room? Maybe I should pair with Tou up there to reduce the electricity cost like the others.

 

Ket goes silent, which makes it more uncomfortable.

 

"Why did you ask?"

 

"Nothing. Just curious. If you don't sleep in your room, rent it out and share the room with Tong." My sarcastic remarks must anger him.

 

"That's a good idea. It's lonely to sleep alone. It's nice to have company."

"Are you being sarcastic?"

 

"I'm being honest."

 

I press my lips together tightly. The more we talk, the more we fight. We should cut it out.

 

"Go back to your room. I'll return the bowl myself."

 

"It's okay. Get some rest. Take the pills first." Ket tugs my hand and places two tablets on my palm. He then takes the bowl and leaves in a sour mood.

 

Good grief. He acts all grumpy, but when he's with Tong, he's obedient like a dog.

 

I bury my face in the pillow, gazing at the door someone just opened and left. Why does that action hurt my heart? Are those two... a thing?

 

My eyelids feel heavy again now that my stomach is full. I bury my face in my favourite pillow that has a hint of the smell of my fragrant shampoo. I rub my nose against it in frustration. When Ket stepped into my room, he took something with him. The perfume he wore. I smelled it since he stood outside. That was why I didn't want him to get inside.

 

My door is opened again. I turn my head toward the persistent guy. Ket takes the liberty of using my room as his study, given the huge book he sets on the floor.

 

"What do you want now?" I say into the pillow, my voice muffled, but Ket doesn't even care. He's setting up his fortress by unfolding my small Japanese table as if this were his room. I don't have the strength to protest; my body feels heavy.

 

"Go to sleep."

 

With that, my vision turns black. When I'm awake, I feel something wet on my forehead. I frown and brush it off in irritation. It's boiling hot. Is the AC on? Why is it so hot? I reach aimlessly for the remote control over my head and keep lowering the temperature. I don't care if it's chilly enough for penguins. All I know is it's hot. Terribly hot. Frustratingly hot. When I lie back down, something wet is on my forehead again.

 

I struggle to open my eyes in the dark and spot someone's shadow moving the towel on my forehead. I don't care who it is. I only feel the heat. It's so hot that I want to take off my clothes, but I'm too sleepy. A few minutes after closing my eyes, I feel cold.

 

"It's cold," I mumble to myself and turn on my side to get the remote control, but I grab someone's hand instead. The palm is so warm that I don't want to let go, so I hold it.

 

Beep, beep, beep.

The sound of the remote control indicates this guy knows things. The temperature gradually rises until it feels just right. I curl up in my blanket in contentment. It's actually pretty great to be sick. I can sleep as much as I wish.

 

I pull that hand into my arms, recalling my childhood memories. When I got sick, Ning would come to me. Since my sister is ten years older than me, we're not that close. Ning's duty was to take me to school and pick me up. She filled in for my parents at every school event. Most importantly, she looked after me so I wouldn't die.

 

My condition was often awful when I got sick, so Ning would stick by my side. If Ning was busy, I'd lie there and suffer until I recovered

 

When I was a kid, I kept asking myself questions. I never said it out loud or protested, even though my parents gave me the cold shoulder and my brother acted like our father. Even if my sister attempted to be nice to me, it felt like her duty. I didn't feel love and affection from her.

 

On the contrary, Ket's parents might be strict, but I felt their love toward him. Ket is the only child, the family's precious son. It was normal for them to have high expectations of him, especially after they caught him dating me. Ket's parents wouldn't even look at me when they picked him up from school and forbade him from talking to me. It hurt. 

 

When I tried to greet Ket, he turned away, afraid of being scolded by his mother. I understood him, though, so I stopped talking to him. We became strangers overnight.

 

I doubt Ket knows there was one thing I cared about back then. I was scared he would ignore me. That was the reason I was furious that he ignored me when we were together just fine two days ago.

 

Ket was the only one who came to me when it felt like I had no one. That boy, who looked like he didn't care to make a. friend, talked to me, and I was happy. I was delighted and glad to smile at someone who truly appreciated it. That's why his return is painful. It's painful to recall those memories that will never come back. It's painful to be afraid I will soften down and experience those moments again. It'll be painful if I get ignored like a nobody again. It's absolutely painful.