My life started like summer. The lively season. Cheerfulness is all around. Daytime lasts longer than nighttime, giving you more time to see and appreciate sunlight than in the other seasons. The season gives you the warmth you never have to seek from anyone else. Ket and I officially met in the summer.

 

Spring came next. It's full of flowers. The season that gives life to everything. Birds chirp. The faint clouds float in the sky. The soft sunlight cascades through the branches onto the green grass. The mild scent of flowers. Ket and I confessed our feelings to each other in spring.

 

Then it was fall. The branches are void of colourful flowers. Birds build their nests somewhere else, taking shelter in strong trees. The air is slightly colder. Regardless, the evening sky is breathtaking, painted in pink, orange, blue, and purple. Ket and I held hands more tightly than ever...in the fall.

 

Next came the rainy season, the one I hate and love the most. I have a love-hate relationship with the rainy season. Clear raindrops fall from the sky. It's cloudy all day. Your nose is blocked by the humidity. The white curtain of the rain blocks your vision. Even so, the rainy season allows you to be as weak as you wish. Ket and I were separated in the rainy season.

 

Moving on to winter, the season when we couldn't see one another. Winter is lonely, and the sun sets faster than in the other seasons. Nonetheless, the sky is the most open. You can clearly see the dazzling stars in the sky. I never looked at them since we'd separated, though. Ket and I became strangers in winter.

 

Had we never met, I would've been occupied with these seasons. I was obsessed with colours in each period. Each season possesses different tones. Summer is yellow. Spring is pink. Fall is orange. The rainy season is dim blue. Winter is white and grey.

 

When I met Ket, besides seasons, I learned about 'stars.' When we were kids, Ket often told me about stars. And one thing has been on my mind: 'Stars orbit far away from each other for a certain time before reuniting at another time! I liked the implication. Even if we're far apart, we'll reunite one day. Therefore, I stopped being stubborn and decided to let Ket watch the stars to his heart's content.

 

We'd planned to be apart for a while to chase our dreams. Ket would go to the mountains. I'd go to the sea. In the end, we couldn't do either because our families caught us dating.

 

I once imagined our pleasant future. After graduating from university, we'd meet up again in Bangkok at a small café where Ket learned to make coffee from the owner. Ket would then order coffee, while I'd prefer a milk frappe or something similar. We'd talk about our university lives.

 

I would feel a bit jealous because Ket grew up well. He would be handsome, with a broad back to fully cover his lover. I would then stop being jealous since his embrace would be only mine. After that, we'd land some jobs and save up to buy a small house. I knew Ket was filthy rich. He didn't even have to work, given his inheritance. However, I wouldn't buy a big house. I'd prefer a small townhouse. We'd keep a cat, Ket's favourite pet, and install a fish tank in our place. We'd grow a trumpet tree in the backyard and build swings to play in the cool breeze.

 

Ket would help his father run their hotel or open a café, while I'd be an art teacher or sell my paintings. On weekends, we'd watch a movie with him, cuddle, kiss, hug, and make love. That would be such a happy life. Seriously, I wasn't a star at all. I was a meteor moving past a star like Ket. I was a tiny comet burning before hitting the Earth with no going back. It was quite a shame that I couldn't accomplish my dreams, but that was okay. It was okay.

 

I used to be naughty, arrogant, and insanely stubborn. I believed I never did anything wrong, and others kept running my life. When the only anchor of mine disappeared, my conscience died. Ket's return brought me, a dusty meteorite, back to life. Even though I hated him like crazy at first, I had to admit that I'd never stopped loving this star. Deep down, I was well aware of how much Ket loved me. Ket gave my sluggish life the will to live.

 

I was miserable to be apart from that man. At least he was alive when I hated him. He might've been living a new life or doing something somewhere. But when Ket passed away, I had no idea where his soul was. I once had this childish thought that I wished I had the talent to see ghosts or converse with souls so that I could talk to Ket all day about the afterlife.

 

However, after overcoming the pain, I felt glad I wasn't stuck in the past. Even though Ket is far away, dancing among the stars in the sky, he lives on in my heart. No one wishes to lose their loved ones, and I know it's hard to move forward without them. It's like you're chained, especially when you feel guilty toward them deep inside. Sadness will stay with you for a long time until you can let it go at one point. Sadness will turn into memories, the past stuck in your head.

 

Do you remember when you dropped your favourite Popsicle? Of course. You were bawling over your lost, precious sweet that was irreplaceable. But after some time, you'll only remember how heartbreaking it was to lose your dear Popsicle. The sadness, however, has evaporated. It doesn't hurt as much as back then. It might sting your heart a little, or you might mumble, 'Bummer,' or 'What a shame.' Right. 

 

As time passes, your pain lessens. No one will stop you if you hold on to the loss. It could take you ten or twenty years, as many as you want, to reach the point you feel the need to move on. Once you've moved on, I firmly believe you'll feel better. You might be a little confused after making peace with it. You might have heaps of questions: What should you do next? Which direction are you supposed to go? Will you ever love again?

 

If you ask me, those questions are proof that you want to start again. Some might enjoy being alone, using the person they lost as their motivation. You might live a simple life in a small house, with a cute pet for company, sipping coffee in the morning while listening to the birds chirping and the wind chimes. It's not strange to set his photo in your house and talk to him all day as if he's still alive. And aslong as you can step forward, that's enough.

 

Some might enjoy hanging out with their friends to ease the pain with some company. Your friends will listen, comfort, and stay by your side when you want to cry. You can weep as much as you wish in your friends' arms. Some might find happiness with someone new, like me...

 

You don't know where to go until someone steps into your life. Even though he resembles Ket, who has passed away, even though they have similar blue auras, and even though his back is unbelievably broad, to me, Ketdan isn't a replacement for 

 

Khobket. I've never thought of replacing him. Khobket is Khobket. Ketdan is Ketdan.

Khobket is my first memory. My first love. My first kiss. My first. He's my first everything. No matter how much time passes, I'll never forget that Ket was once alive, smiling, happy, and laughing with me. Ketdan is my second memory. My second love. My second kiss. My second beginning. No matter how long, when we kiss, hug, or make love, it will be with Ketdan. He doesn't replace, erase, or rub out anyone. I love both of them. One gave me life. Once offered forgiveness. Ketdan made me forgive myself for spending too little happy time with Ket and never noticing the change in his behaviour. Ket never wanted to change. It was the lump in his brain. Ketdan made me forgive myself for focusing on anger and hatred, berating Ket, and hurting him physically, which could affect his illness unintentionally.

Ketdan helped me come to terms with it. I let Ket into the vast sea. I let Ket travel through endless time. As for Khobket...He helped me learn that losing is heartbreaking yet beautiful. Even if he's not alive, he remains in my mind and heart, which will keep beating for as long as the world allows.

 

I have no clue how long I'll live. Perhaps I'll be in heaven at sixty or seventy, or heaven will push me down to hell. I've committed sins. I just. want to spend the rest of my life to the fullest. I'll hug my lover. I'll hug the man beside me tightly. I'll tell him I love him every day. We'll be each other's support. I don't want history to repeat itself, and I don't want to blame myself for not doing my best.

 

After I die, I have no idea where my soul will wander. I might drift away aimlessly as if floating in the sea, letting the waves take my purposeless soul somewhere. When I die, Ket might be reincarnated as a cat, a dog, a handsome man he used to be, a gorgeous woman, or nothing at all. Being a star in the sky might be more comfortable. I just think... if there's ever a chance, I hope to meet Ket again. In any form. In any status. And if that time comes, the time the world leads us to each other again… I want to speak to Ket, loud and clear, since he fell into a forever sleep before I could say it.

 

I wish to say...

I wish to tell him that...

"I love you, Ket."

"And I always will."

"Goodnight, my Khobket."

#StarScope

Goodbye My little Star