DAY 1

 

"You have to draw a line here. Like this."

 

I'm on the patient's bed with Ket by my side. His countenance seems better after getting some fresh air. Both of us and the others never mention his illness again. All I need to know is that Ket's time decreases every day. Today is another day, and I hope to make him happy.

 

"See?"

 

The star I haven't drawn for two years appears on a piece of paper. Ket smiles a little and tries drawing it with a pencil as taught. Ket presses the pencil on the paper, and it slips off before he even starts. He's as shocked by the reaction as I am. I pick the pencil up from his lap and put it in his beautiful hand again.

 

"Do over."

 

Pressing his lips together, Ket tries to hold the pencil and draw a line like mine. It turns out to be a squiggle. This man is gradually losing control of his body.

 

After we visited the school, Ket returned to the hospital. I've been coming up with new activities to do with Ket every day. We played simple trivia games and witty quiz questions. On some days, we watched movies together. On other days, we listened to music quietly. Sometimes we drew pictures. He used to write words with a pen with no problem, but then he couldn't even form a single word. And today, he can barely draw a simple line.

 

Does it hurt to see Ket's health deteriorate? 

 

It feels like I'm in a living hell. I pray to God 

up there for sympathy, but my voice doesn't seem to reach him.

 

"Let's do something else."

 

I pass him an earphone, which he complacently puts in his ear. I play soft classical music, in case it can heal him in some ways.

 

While Ket is in the hospital, people constantly visit him. The art club members, Mi, Dalha, and even Tong and Tou. None of the students from his department shows up, though. How heartless. I listen to music while playing Ket's hand. His face is always painted with a smile, never missing a single day. Even though he can't write anymore, he smiles as if unfazed.

 

I hum along to the beautiful music. Ket rocks his body happily, like always. Despite having no visitors, Ket is happy because I'm here.

 

"I miss when we went to the aquarium," I mumble, climbing onto his lap and resting my back against his broad chest. Ket drapes his arms around my waist and puts his chin on my shoulder.

 

"The aquarium?"

 

The man behind me goes quiet for some time.

 

"Did you forget?"

 

"Yeah. Sorry. It feels like my memory is veiled."

 

I'm sad. We went there only recently. But it's okay.

 

"Well, we watched the jellyfish together. You liked them since their colours were beautiful like stars."

 

"Mm-hmm. What's next?"

 

"Then we had to go through the fish tunnel. You were too scared to walk through it, saying it felt like you'd drown, so I took your hand and told you to keep your eyes on my face."

 

"Mmmm," Ket hums over my ear. He loses strength by the day. I stroked his hand, hooked up to an IV, playing with it gently.

 

"Then I kissed you."

 

"You kissed me?"

 

"Yeah. No one was there."

 

"I must've been shy."

 

"Some kids ran in after we kissed, so we laughed and made a run for it."

"Um, how fun."

 

My smile fades. I tighten his arms around my body.

 

"Is there anywhere you want to go?"

 

"So many places."

 

"For example?"

 

"I want to go back to Son's restaurant."

 

"Let's go, then."

 

"I can't walk."

 

"What about I carry you?"

 

"You're too small to do that."

 

Right. Even if I wish to take all of his pain, I don't know if I'll be able to endure it as Ket does.

 

"Why don't you get some rest?" I peel myself off Ket's embrace and carefully push the big guy onto the soft pillow. Ket nods and closes his eyes. I kiss his forehead and exit the room.

 

In front of the room, Tong turns to me with his arms crossed and embraces me as I plop on the floor. I want to be stronger to take care of Ket until his last day, but the more I see him in pain and spacing out without listening to me, the more it hurts. I bawl like a little kid, and Tong leads me away from the room.

 

"What a crybaby." Tong ruffles my hair roughly before gently wiping my tears.

 

"I don't know how long I can do this."

 

"Don't think about that day. Think of how to make Ket happy today instead."

 

"But I can't take it, Tong. It hurts so bad."

 

"You can cry with me. Let it out as much as you want."

"Hu.." My tears and snot are all over Tong's shirt.

 

Since I learned Ket was dying, Tong has been the outlet of my pain every day, letting me vent the suppressed emotions in my heart.

 

“I'm jealous of you, Kieng," Tong says, breaking the silence. I turn to the tan guy who rarely shows that woeful expression.

 

"How come?"

 

"You have time to say goodbye and treat him well. When my dad passed away, I couldn't do anything besides attend the funeral."

 

"I think both situations are painful."

 

"It's always painful to lose someone you love, but it hurts even more when you can't do anything. That's why Ket came back. He wants you to be happy with what you've lost."

 

"Um."

 

"Good for you for having that chance."

 

Tong props his heavy hand on my head and rocks it. Right. It's nice to have a chance to say goodbye. Had I learned this after Ket's passing, I would've blamed myself for not doing anything for him. This is actually good enough.

 

DAY 4

 

"Here you go.” I hand a Popsicle to the man before me and sit beside his bed. Ket fixes his beautiful brown eyes on me.

 

"Feed me."

 

I put the orange Popsicle into his mouth and enjoyed the other half. Ket's recovery room is full of bouquets, baskets of healthy drinks Ket has never touched, and plushies. A whale plush Mee bought him yesterday is on the patient's bed. Ket seemed to like it more than the others, so I put it there.

 

"How is it?"

 

Ket cracks a small smile.

 

"Good."

 

"Liar."

 

I knew when I put it in his mouth. He was surprised for a second, but I could tell he couldn't taste anything again. It makes me feel even more terrible, but I'll be strong for this man. I won't cry in front of him. That's my resolution.

 

No one forced me to watch Ket in pain. Ket also said he didn't want me to see him in this state. I've chosen to stay by his side until that day, so I must do my best to be responsible for my own feelings.

 

"You can tell?"

 

"Your face says it all. Just know it's cold and refreshing."

 

"Thank you."

 

"You're welcome."

 

"No...Thank you for being here. Even if you're hurt, you won't leave."

 

I smile brightly at him, put the Popsicle in my mouth, and ruffle his hair.

 

"Well, I'm your happiness."

 

"Right."

 

We sit silently next to each other like usual. The weather is great today. I wish I could call Ning over to take us out, but the doctor won't allow it.

 

"Do you remember Mee makes superb spaghetti?" I find a new topic to talk to Ket about every day to kill boredom. Today, it's a simple topic about flavours that the other guy can no longer experience.

 

"Yeah."

 

"It's salty, sweet, and a little bit spicy."

 

"Spaghetti with spicy mixed seafood is delicious."

 

"Oh, yeah? I think the one with dried chillis is better."

 

"Are they different?"

 

"They are. It's like spicy soup and sour soup."

 

"I can't differentiate them."

 

We fall into silence again. We have fewer topics to talk about by the day. Even so, being by his side is the best thing.

 

"Do you want to eat anything in particular today?" I move close to Ket to feel his warmth, which gradually subsides. Ket puts his hand on my head and ruffles my hair.

 

"I can't taste anything.."

 

"That's not what I'm asking. I'm asking what you want to eat. I'll go get it."

 

"Really?"

 

"Yeah." Even if it's something overseas, I'll order it for him.

 

"Jelly."

 

I freeze, staring at his smile.

 

Um."

 

DAY 6

 

'The second place, Mr Kanin..'

 

I called Fou after checking the contest results. I didn't win, but the second place was already exhilarating. When Fou hears that, he hollers and says he'll take me on a trip. The problem is I can't go. I'm still not sure what Ket's condition will be. All I know is he's forgetting his memories one by one. But one thing will make him happy today.

 

I run across the polished floor of the private hospital, a printed sheet from the internet café in my hand, extremely excited to tell Ket I'm in second place. I push open the recovery room door to find no one but a nurse in a white uniform changing the bedsheet. Ket's parents arrived here this morning. They're also not here.

 

"Where's the patient?"

 

"He was sent to the operating room. The patient fell unconscious, so he needed immediate surgery."

 

My heart drops so hard that I lose my balance and plop on the floor. The nurse darts in to catch me in alarm. I clutch the sheet in my hand. I feel like my heart is going to explode again. Why is it so uncomfortable? It's like I'm drowning. I hope Ket is safe. Just not right now. Please.

 

I wait until the sun begins to set. The colours of the sky are as stunning as ever, yet I don't enjoy them as much as before. It's like I no longer fancy the evening sky. The starry night sky is even more beautiful. I'm probably like this because of Ket.

 

Hours later, Ket is transferred back to the recovery room with his parents trailing behind. The first thing I see is his head wrapped in white bandages. The tall guy is still unconscious, given that he is still on a respirator. Ket's mother settles next to me and pats my thigh.

 

"Intracerebral haemorrhage. He needed to be operated on."

 

My heart stings.

 

"He'll wake up, won't he?"

 

"He will. Don't worry, Kieng. Just wait until the anaesthesia wears off, and he'll be awake."

 

I know a mother can't possibly get over her children in this condition. Even I'm devastated. How terrible must she feel? Regardless, his mother comforts me like a family member. Ket and his mother are insanely similar in their strength.

 

"I'm sorry for separating you two."

 

"It's okay. I should be the one apologising."

 

"It was my fault as well for sending him to England."

 

"You did it out of goodwill. That's what I believe."

 

"No, Kieng." She wraps her arm around my shoulder, holding me gently.

 

"Ket refused to go to school without you, so he went to your house every day, but he always got rejected. That made me decide to send him abroad. I didn't want Ket to forget you, but I couldn't stand him being hurt."

 

I press my lips together tightly. No one told me Ket came to the house. All I remember is I was locked up after Ket looked at me like that. I feel like crying upon knowing this.

 

"I'm glad to see Ket, and you smile again."

 

"I'm sorry."

 

"Don't be, Kieng. I should thank you."

 

The woman who gave birth to the man I love holds my hands in her soft palms.

 

"Thank you for making him know how to love. Thank you for giving my son a second chance."

 

"No. I should thank you."

 

My eyes are brimming with tears, blurring my vision.

 

"Thank you for giving birth to him."

 

Thank you sincerely, ma'am.

 

"Goodnight, dear."

 

Ket's parents excuse themself, leaving the room in silence. move to the chair beside the patient's bed and place the whale plush next to Ket. I look at the pale, sleeping man supported by the respirator and take Ket's hand before resting my head on his arm. When Ket wakes up, I'll thank him. I'll thank him for coming back to me. I'll thank him for deciding to do it, knowing I might hate him. I'll thank him for trying to make me love him again. I'll thank him for loving me. I'll thank him for creating new happy memories with me.

 

There are more things that I wish to say and do with him, but we don't have enough time. I want to go to the mountains with Ket and stargaze up there. Maybe we can set up a tent and take in the cool breeze together, or enjoy simple happiness like drinking coffee and reading comics in my room, eating Ket's favourite spaghetti, and devouring the jellies. Maybe we can sit together quietly with our arms brushing. Every simple thing in the world. I want to do it all.

 

I want to tell Ket I love him many times more and vice versa. In the end, I'm still the most selfish human to Ket. I want joy from spending time with this man. I want to have more happy moments with us alone. I want Ket to hold me and kiss me.

 

But all I can do now is look at him silently...

..and pray to God.

I don't want to be apart from Ket.

Because Ket is my sea.

The most beautiful sea to me.