"I'm dying."

 

Tears fall from my eyes. I turn my head to Ket, clutching the meal box so hard it makes a cracking sound. I pray Ket smiles and says, 'Just kidding. I wait and wait, but those words never come. I rise and walk away to throw the meal box into the trash can, losing my appetite.

 

"Say that again. You're kidding, aren't you?"

 

I clench my fists tightly to stress my questions: Is this true? Or is it all just a dream?

 

"I'm not kidding." Ket smiles. It hurts me so much that I can barely stand on my feet.

 

"This is not funny."

 

"I planned to tell you when you're ready."

 

"Who the hell would be ready for that?"

 

"Right. No one can possibly be ready for that."

 

In the square room, with the sound from the television blabbering in my ears, I don't even have the courage to look up at Ket. Tears keep falling down from my eyes and dropping onto the polished floor and my feet. stand there, crying silently until my heart is about to explode.

 

Didn't he say it was just a headache? Didn't he say he'd be fine after some rest? Didn't he say he came back to apologise? Didn't he say he loved me? Why is he going to leave me?

Why...?

 

"I'm back because I don't have much time left."

 

Stop it.

 

"I wish to do everything to make up for it, to reconcile with you."

 

Stop talking.

 

"I wish to be happy with you before I die."

 

Stop it.

 

"So that you won't blame yourself for letting me die without doing anything."

 

"Stop..."

 

I speak in a muffled voice before flopping onto the floor.

 

"Kieng."

 

"Stop it."

 

I cover my ears with both hands and retreat to the wall. Hundreds of stones are falling on my body. The waves are crashing against me, pulling me into the depths of the deadly ocean.

 

"Kieng."

 

"Stop talking."

 

I hug myself and cry. My sobbing echoes across the room, which only adds to my misery. This is why I hate the stars. In the end, I can't reach for anything.

 

Ning, Sorn, Mee, and Tong visit Ket early in the morning. I curl up on the couch with my earphones on, gazing out the window. I haven't talked to anyone since I woke up after crying myself to sleep. When I was awake, 1 was on the couch with the other guy sleeping soundly on his bed as if nothing had happened. Given the blanket covering me nicely, I knew Ket had carried me to the couch last night. His words still replay in my head like a rewinding cassette tape. Ket is dying.

 

My unanswered question. The question Ket always dismissed and changed the topic, saying, 'When I'm ready, I'll tell you.' The sorrowfulness hidden behind his calm eyes. His tears were dripping on my face. When he said it was enough to be by my side and that I was happy. Everything is pieced together.

 

When he said he wished to fix things, it was all because he was dying. The laughter of the others is a knife piercing through my body over and over. I have no idea how they can still laugh when that person, the junior they love, is dying from a mysterious headache.

 

My earphones fall out onto my lap. Tong kneels in front of me and gestures to me to look the other way. I sigh in annoyance and slowly turn my head to the bed without a patient. Ket stands beside it in a white shirt and black trousers. A nurse moves the chair to make way for the tall guy and speaks in a clear voice.

 

"Please come back immediately if you feel unwell."

 

"Thank you."

 

Once the nurse has left, everyone smiles at me.

 

"What?"

 

"Let's go out." Ket walks over and pulls me up. I'm still in my whale pyjamas. Ning heads out first while Sorn, Tong, and Mee plant their feet behind me so I can't run away. They drag me into the car with Ket seated next to me. Ning is our driver, with Tong sitting shotgun while Sorn and Mee are in another car. Tong throws a tee and shorts onto my lap before ruffling my hair so hard it gets all messy.

 

"Get changed."

 

"What? Where are we going? Is Ket allowed to go out?"

 

"Yes. He shouldn't be cooped up in his room. Let's go out."

 

"Where are you taking us?"

 

"You'll know once we're there." Ning smiles at me. This smile is different from yesterday. It's the smile of someone who's made peace with everything.

 

After changing, I sit quietly in the car with Tong's favourite upbeat music playing at a low volume. I look out the window as we accelerate along the road. The road is flanked by houses and buildings, but soon we swerve into a path that I'm familiar with.

 

I have no clue where we're headed, but I don't feel like moving my body. Ket holds my hand. I slowly turn to him and drop my gaze at his hand holding mine, not shaking it off. Even though I'm mad that Ket hid it from me and that he smiled while revealing he was dying, my crying heart says...Spend the time left to the fullest, Kieng.

 

The car stops in front of the place I'm familiar with. A place full of our childhood memories.

 

...The school. I stand in front of the impressively renovated school. It's a weekend, so there are no students in sight, making the school empty and serene. Only teachers and janitors who work on Sunday are present.

 

Tong carefully helps Ket get out of the car before the four of us enter the school. My sister talks to the security guard, the same one as two years ago. He remembers Ket only at a glance, because he used to feed the cat around the guardhouse several times. I look around for the cat and spot Ket playing with it nearby.

 

"You can enter the building. I've told the guard."

 

Without replying, I ascend the stairs to the third floor, the familiar one. I still remember every moment. 

 

I ran around in front of the classroom alone because no one played with me, then halted when I noticed a boy who had recently moved here and was put into the same classroom. Back then, Ket was a quiet kid who read all day. When our classmates invited him to play together, he would dismiss them with an unfriendly look.

 

I place my hand on the doorframe, remembering once standing here and staring at the thin boy with a faint blue aura exuding from his body. After looking at him for days, I decided to greet him. We became friends.

 

"Don't you miss the old times?" Ket stops next to me and steps inside the classroom, open to be cleaned on the weekend. The tall guy ambles toward his regular table and sets his hand on the light brown wooden board.

 

There's a change in his sad eyes. They look happier than ever. Ket sits at the table and gazes out the large window at the old trumpet tree. Our seventh-grade classroom is

the most beautiful as it overlooks the pink flowers. They're especially beautiful under the sunset sky. Most of the flowers have fallen off the tree, waiting to bloom again.

 

I enter the classroom that I've spent almost half my life in. I stop at better-looking lockers at the back, replacing the wooden broom closet. I used to look forward to every Friday evening to clean up with Ket and spend a little more time with him before going home.

 

I remember everything. We erased the whiteboard on the opposite sides to see who did it faster, and Ket lost. That day, our laughter was louder than ever. I halt when I spot two squirrels catching one another on the leafless tree. The memory of that day flashes in my mind again.

 

A fair-skinned boy gazing out the window from his table, looking at a squirrel jumping back and forth. I wished I could paint that scene. Those charming brown eyes reflected in the colourful light during the sunset. 

 

A pinkish-orange image with trumpet trees in the background was so stunning that I doubted I'd ever witness it again. Because the boy has grown up, and the trees have lost the colours they once had.

 

"Come here." Ket holds out his hand. When I come closer, he takes my hand and pulls me to him.

 

"My happiness is seeing you happy."

 

I know. I've known it since the first days. How many times has he said it?

 

"From now on, I hope you're as happy as this tree."

 

I look up at the huge trumpet tree.

 

"Although the flowers have fallen off the tree, soon they will bloom again."

".."

 

"You might be angry that I've never told you what's wrong with me, but I don't want you to be occupied with it that you miss what you actually wish to do. So, thank you so much for staying by my side. Your smile can't be replaced by any medicine. Your kiss..There's no cure more valuable than that."

 

I press my lips together tightly. I hold my tears despite my burning eyes. Ket is smiling happily, and I don't want to ruin his happiness anymore.

 

"I love you, Kieng, like the first day you confessed to me right here. I'm sorry I can't keep my promise. I won't be able to see the pink flowers blooming again. But it's unnecessary because you're the most beautiful star and flower to me."

 

Ket kisses my forehead, softly and gently. Even though my love for this man swayed like a tree in the wind, the tree never broke. It stands tall and stable like the first day nourished it.

 

"I love you, too, Ket."

 

Ket presses his lips on mine. In the square room full of tables, I fix my gaze on the tree before me, blurred by my teary eyes.

 

For a second, I see flowers blooming all over the tree. Like the first day we met. The library is the same as ever. I enter the empty library with Ket's hand in mine. No librarians are stationed at the counter. No loud noises from high schoolers, seemingly unaware of the library's purpose. 

 

The massive window is open to let in the cool air. I head to the table we always sat at after lunch. We usually read books side by side. Even though we read different books and had dissimilar preferences, we were happy to be together.

 

I trace the light brown wooden table with my fingers before walking along the floor-to-ceiling bookshelves. We stop at the one Ket used to spend a long time choosing a book from.

 

"Are they all still here?"

 

The man obsessed with astronomy books brushes his fingers over those spines. I remember Ket complaining that he had read all of them and that there was nothing left for him. Despite the library's many books, he insisted on reading only astronomy.

 

I sweep my eyes over the books on the shelf. Every title Ket has read is still there, as if it were the first day Ket brought me to his favourite section and told me the titles of each book.

 

"You haven't read that one." I take a new comic book off the shelf. Ket frowns in puzzlement.

 

"I don't remember."

 

He forgot, huh? This is a new one. He hasn't read it. I put it back on the shelf, take Ket's hand, and continue walking along the bookshelves. We talk about the ones we've read. I was usually the one reading random titles.

 

Even if this man is slowly losing his memories, even if the man before me is becoming a star out of my reach, I never regret knowing him in this life.

 

The thirty-year-old boy had fierce eyes, but his heart was warm. I halt between the innermost shelves in the library and touch Ket's face, caressing it lovingly. He locks his

beautiful brown eyes on me. They're no longer fierce. All that's present is his weakness, indicating how fragile he is.

 

I pull him in by the back of his neck, and Ket wraps his arms around me. Our warm breath brushes each other's cheeks. I even remember the first day we kissed in the library. The smell of his favourite blue soda lingered on my lips. My blushing face. Our first kiss that day is a mark implying I belonged to this boy.

 

"Are you happy?"

 

I ask the question in a whisper. Ket responds with a chuckle.

 

"Yes. Very much."

 

"Can I be your happiness?"

 

"Yes. You're the best thing in my life, Kieng."

 

"Don't forget me. Don't ever forget me."

 

"No, I won't."

 

"I'm sorry I can't protect you. I'm sorry for hurting you all this time in any way."

 

Ket kisses me again, longer this time. I hear pages flipping in the wind, drifting through the open window. I hear Ket's breathing. I hear birds chirping outside. And I hear us slowly pulling away from each other.

 

"You know I've never been angry with you. So, don't be sorry. You've done your best.

My time just isn't enough."

 

I hear the heartbeat in his chest, beating in time with mine. Thank you for being born for me to love.

 

And thank you for being born to love me, I'll be this man's happiness...

Until the last second before we part