Every second I wait in front of the ER feels like a clock hand dropping on my heavy body. It's painful, uncomfortable, and sickening. Ning comforts me with her embrace, stroking my arm with her trembling hand, telling me Ket is going to be okay. Tong has had his head in his palms since the staff pushed Ket's bed into the ER. Everything was going so well. I didn't even notice Ket's headache was getting worse by the day.

 

The ER's door opens at half past seven. The doctor, supposedly Ning's age, walks out with a concerned expression. It's been two hours. And during those two hours, it felt like my heart was ripped out. I stare at the doctor intently, waiting for him to speak, but he remains quiet. The doctor turns to a nurse exiting the ER before turning to us.

 

"Is the patient's guardian here?"

 

"I'm here." Ning stands up uneasily. She clutches her tote at her side.

 

"May I have a word with you?"

 

The doctor leads Ning inside the ER to talk, leaving Tong and me in awkwardness, discomfort, terror, worry, and all sorts of emotions. Tong places his hand on my head and ruffles my hair, which makes me feel like crying again.

 

"Ket will be fine."

 

I'm scared it's something serious because his symptom is more concerning than I thought. The headache, the forgetful behaviour, and the change in his habits, including excessive sleep. I'm afraid Ket is hiding something from me. I'm terrified of everything right now. I'm scared Ket won't wake up.

 

"Are you Khobket's relatives?" Tong rises when a nurse approaches us.

 

"Yes."

 

"He's awake. Don't worry. Please wait for a moment for the doctor to inform you if he can go home."

 

I'm relieved to hear that, but I'm still worried about Ning being in the ER with Ket. I have no clue what she's talking about with the doctor. I can't see anything but the white strip, as dull as my heart.

 

My sister comes out of the ER a while later, holding a brown envelope she doesn't want anyone to see, as far as I can tell. Ning shoves it into her tote and walks toward me with a forlorn expression. When she stops in front of me, she casts a small smile to reassure me. But how can I not be worried? Ket fainted right in front of me.

 

"The doctor gave him permission to go home."

 

"What's wrong with him?"

 

Ning presses her lips together tightly.

 

"Why don't you tell me? Why do you have to keep a secret from me?"

 

"I'll tell you when it's time. Let's take Ket home first."

 

Ket steps out of the ER soon after, looking normal, as if nothing has happened, but I spot the cotton pad on the back of his left hand. He probably got an injection. The man before me has such sad eyes, as if he's crying on the inside. When he notices me waiting in front of the ER, he cracks a warm smile like always. Even if Ket fainted like that, he wouldn't express his pain in my presence. 

 

He walks closer to me, kneels down, and embraces me. I wrap my arms around his head, letting tears stream down my face and drop on his broad shoulder. Again. He won't tell me what's wrong. Why does he have to keep everything to himself? I'm worried sick, you idiot.

 

"Don't ever do it again."

 

"Sorry."

 

"Don't fall like that again. Hic.."

 

"I'm sorry."

 

"I'm worried, you idiot."

 

"Yeah."

 

Ket strokes my back with his warm hand to comfort me. He always spreads warmth that he has left to me, but why...why does it feel so empty?

Again, Ket's embrace feels light like a cloud. It can float away anytime. Ning requests a word with Ket in private once we're home. It must be serious, given that she tells me to wait on the rooftop. I gaze at the stars in the sky, in emptiness, letting the wind hit me, feeling like I'll be blown away at any moment. I hug the huge whale plush tightly as if transferring my pain into this softness. Why? Why do they keep a secret?

 

Is there something I'm not supposed to know about Ket? What's the brown envelope Ning put in her tote? Why don't they tell me anything?

 

The door to the rooftop opens, and someone sits next to me. The smell of the perfume Ket hasn't used for days is clear in my brain, as if my body is programmed to relax only with this scent. I turn my head to the unwell-looking guy. Although he insists he's okay, his face is paler than ever.

 

"Did you take a shower?"

 

"Yeah. I can't smell nasty on a date."

 

On a date, my ass. Ket hands me something. It's a photo of a sticker we took when we were young. I accept it and look at it with longing. Ket stays quiet as if pressuring me to speak first.

 

"Why don't you tell me what's wrong with you?"

 

I have no idea if my voice reaches the man beside me, but the smile and arm draped around my waist indicate he's listening.

 

"It's not time yet."

 

"Why do I have to wait?"

 

"Do you trust me, Kieng?" Ket locks his beautiful brown eyes on mine. His gaze feels like it's trying to convey something, but, in the end, Ket says nothing. Why? Why did he ask that question...? Why does he have to keep it a secret? Is it something terrible?

 

"Kieng."

 

"I do." I press my lips together tightly, digging my nails into the whale plush since I feel so uncomfortable that I'm about to explode.

"Then wait a bit more. When I'm ready, I'll tell you."

 

The wind drifting through our faces blows the tiny leaves from Mee's trees to the floor around Ket and me. The big guy beside me gazes up at the starry sky. The sky is open today.

 

"How beautiful."

 

Not at all. I hate the sky at night. I hate the stars. It feels out of reach. The stars are too far away, like they will disappear once you look away for merely a second

 

"I have something to tell you, but do you promise you won't overthink it?"

 

No...

 

"Yeah." I can't bring myself to say no.

 

"What's wrong with me is in here." Ket takes my hand and lays it on his head. I look at his pained expression and tear up. 

 

Everything happens so fast that I can't keep up. Is that why he always complains about his headache? My tears fall uncontrollably. Ket wipes them off gently and kisses my forehead. His faint smile is hurting me.

 

"Don't worry. I'm strong."

 

Liar.

 

"Your head hurt that much, yet you said you were strong."

 

"I'm really strong. I'm much bigger than you."

 

"Being big doesn't mean you can't die!"

 

I yell at Ket, losing it. I sob and sniffle. Ning used to say I'm strong, but I'm crying like crazy, while Ket, whom Ning said was weak, sheds no tears. All Ket does is smile. He smiles to hide his pain. His smile has always been like that.

 

"Right...To be honest, I feel like dying when my head hurts."

 

"Then why are you smiling? Why? Hic."

Why doesn't he express his pain? Why doesn't he tell me he's suffering? Why does he keep smiling? The huge guy gives me a hug and rocks me.

 

"Because you're here."

 

"Selfish..hic...You're so selfish."

 

"Yeah, I know. But please trust me."

 

Ket sits quietly until I stop crying. We enjoy the breeze on the rooftop under the stars. Ket points at them, identifying each one for me. Honestly, I don't understand a single thing. But since it's this man's happiness, I'll do anything. I glance at those beautiful lips that I'm obsessed with. They're slightly pale, but blood is still flowing.

 

"You won't forget me one day, will you?"

 

"Why did you ask that?"

 

"I'm scared."

 

"I'll never forget you."

 

"Are you sure?"

 

"Even if I forget everything in the world, I'll never forget you.”

 

Blushing, I drop my gaze to the whale plush in my arms.

 

"Because I love you."

 

My face is painted with a faint smile. Those are romantic words, but why am I not happy?

 

"Kieng."

 

"Um."

 

"Can we do what we did in Bangkok again?"

 

It sounds like Ket is joking, but he's not. I look at this man's sad eyes. They're fixed on me, pleading to do it again. I hate this gaze. This sorrowful gaze. I'd rather not be aware of it.

 

I pull him by the back of his neck, give him a soft kiss, and pull away. When we were younger, Ket once told me it was an inviting kiss. It's like you throw a rabbit into a tiger's cage to lure it out.

 

I move inside the tent for two people and turn off the light, letting the moonlight, suddenly appearing in the sky, shower us through the gap at the top of the tent. I set the whale plush outside and tug Ket's shirt, inviting him in.

 

I zip up the cream-coloured tent with trembling hands, leaving a small gap for ventilation. I switch my attention to the man before me. I push Ket down onto the soft mattress and straddle him. Ket kisses my shaking hands. His palms used to be warm all the time. Why are they so cold today?

 

"I'm glad."

 

"What?" I stop midway as I lift his shirt, my face and ears flushing red. 1 must've made that ridiculous face again to earn that smile.

 

"You're on top of me."

 

If it were before I knew he was ill, I would've smacked his head and sworn at him. But since the man before me is in so much pain, he might break and vanish, I'm neither mad nor amused.

 

I press my lips on Ket's and slip my tongue inside. I'm nervous since I've never taken the lead, but my action arouses Ket to the point he pulls me in for a deeper kiss. He places his hand on my hair, clutching it softly, kissing me over and over. I grind my lips on his, hoping he remembers them by heart.

 

Don't ever forget this kiss. Don't even think of forgetting it. I withdraw my lips lingeringly and stare into his beautiful eyes.

 

"If you forget, I'll make you remember. No matter how many times you forget, I'll help you remember every time."

 

Ket flashes a delighted smile. "How can I forget when you're this cute?"

 

 His fingers caressing my face make my heart drum. Ket is still a typhoon despite being sick. I grind the lower part of my body against the man under me. Ket places my hands on his broad chest. I thank myself for deciding to be on top today, because the moonlight is too bright. Ket can't see my expression clearly when I look down like this. I'm already flustered as I move my hips, like a kid learning to do something new.

 

I remove Ket's pants to arouse the man under me. The typhoon is calm today as if on a break. I put his firm part into my mouth, moving slowly and unhurriedly. With heat rushing to my face, I close my eyes to take him in, still smelling the mild scent of his soap.

 

I have a hard time breathing because of the thickness in my mouth, so I gently move. My teeth scratch his skin, but it doesn't hurt him. I know how to make this guy feel good thoroughly because I remember everything Ket has done to me. Once I'm confident that Ket is ready, I take my time preparing myself.

 

"Ouch."

 

"Sorry. Does it hurt?"

 

Ket immediately shifts his body slightly after hearing me cry out.

 

"No."

 

I explore myself with my fingers. I'm not really used to this. But, to avoid Ket moving unnecessarily, I need to loosen myself to take him in. The challenge isn't how to move my fingers in and out. It's when I insert more fingers that my recovered body tenses up again. Noticing my body shaking from the tension, Ket touches my chest with his long fingers to aid me.

 

"Um."

 

When I think I'm ready, I carefully lower my body on the man's hips. I wince as the pain enters me. I don't make a sound as it's bearable. Ket slides his hands under my shirt to support me as he sits up. He lies back down right away.

 

"Sorry. I have no strength."

 

"It's okay."

 

I gently move when I feel familiar with Ket's body. The typhoon advances slowly as if warning me it's about to attack. I go faster when Ket lets out a soft moan. Beads of sweat on my body drip onto Ket like rain from the sky. I want those droplets to seep into this man's body. If possible, 1 wish it had the power to heal him. But it's just a delusion.

 

"Hic."

 

Our bodies rubbing against each other emphasise that we are one, and no one will ever separate us, stressing that every touch we share will never be forgotten, no matter how far apart we are. That Ket is here and will never leave.

 

"Kieng."

 

Ket's voice is low and raspy as he pants. His arms are draped around me. Our temperature increases to the point that our bodies are burning up, but I don't care at all. All I care about is the man before me, his charming eyes, sharp nose, beautiful lips, muscles, and broad chest.

 

Ket is mine.

And he'll always be.

No matter what.

 

I'm attacking the other guy with my storm, aggressively and passionately. I move rhythmically, speeding up and slowing down as I wish. I can't deny that it feels better to take the lead. I'm the driver of my own rollercoaster, so there's no suffering at the highest point. Only gentleness and simplicity. 

 

I persistently take it slow in a good way. The man under me doesn't seem to be a fan of this movement. The slower I go, the more tormenting it is for him. I want to get back at the guy crushing me down that day, but I'm losing to the awakening typhoon. I no longer take the lead when Ket squeezes my hips. The man under me guides the rhythms until my body stops listening.

 

"Ket!"

 

I shout when Ket doesn't set me free. The more I squirm, the harder he squeezes my hips. Once Ket climaxes, I regain control over my body. Not letting him move or do anything, I wrap my hand around my sensitive part and take care of myself quietly with his stare. I'm not even shy or blushing. Remember this. Don't ever forget it. That's all I hope.

"Hic."

 

The storm stops as my panting fades away. Under the moonlight in the night sky, where the stars are gone, I see everything below my body, including my beloved's face, gorgeous eyes, sharp nose, and beautifully shaped lips.

 

Even if the moonlight has made the stars fade away, tonight, there is only one brightest star for the man before me. Our panting is drowned by the wind outside the tent. A leaf falls through the hole above, dropping on Ket's bare chest. My tears drip on that broad chest before streaming down unstoppably.

 

Why? Even if we've just made love...

It still feels like Ket is going to disappear.