Ket hasn't spoken to me since that day. And since Dalha joined the club, Ket has never shown up there again. Although I know he's angry that Dalha kissed me, I've done nothing wrong. Now Ket and I won't even look at each other. 

 

Because of that, the atmosphere at Sorn's restaurant is becoming uncomfortable by the day, making the others feel uncomfortable as well. What can I do? Even if I explain, it's useless if he won't believe me.

 

Besides us not looking at each other, something bothers me to the point of beginning to dread sleeping at the residence. Ket comes back drunk every day with Tong supporting his body.

 

I've watched the same things happen over and over. Tong takes Ket back home, and Ket comes out of Tong's room in the morning. They chatted and teased each other in front of their room, though Ket only reacted by standing there, letting Tong ruffle his hair like a big puppy.

 

There are questions occupying my mind, but I don't dare to ask. What is Tong to Ket? What is Ket to Tong? Why do they have to take care of each other to that extent? 

 

Today I've decided to stay out until I'm certain Ket is back in his room. I don't want to see him wasted like that because deep down in my heart, engulfed by darkness, and in those nightmares...I still care about him. Our memories are still vivid, and the more they replay, the more painful they become.

 

I listen to the waves on the beach at night, enjoying the sea breeze wafting the smell of the blackboard trees, which is horrid. But instead of witnessing those scenes, I'd rather smell the blackboard trees all night.

 

I actually prefer the sea in the morning as the colours are refreshing, but the sea at night is serene and calms my overwhelming mind. Besides, I can hear a group of students clinking liquor bottles while singing on the beach, the grilled-squid carts, the fighting dogs, the coconut trees brushing against each other, and the motorbikes. It all makes me feel like I'm not alone.

 

Buzz, buzz.

My phone vibrates after it's been quiet for the entire week. I look at the screen downheartedly. It's like Ning can sense I'm not feeling well lately.

 

"What?"

[Are you fighting with Ket?]

 

I've never been mad at Sorn for acting like a spy reporting to Ning about me, but I don't fancy my sister acting like a mastermind behind everything

 

"Yeah."

[ls it too much?]

 

"You know we can never be the same."

[No chance at all?]

 

"I don't know. I don't know what to do. I'm not sure about anything. I'm just sick of seeing him drunk every day like this."

 

Ning goes quiet as if thinking of what to say. I'm a fireball right now. One wrong word will fuel it.

 

[How are you feeling about it right now?]

 

Ning's question is like needles pricking all over my body. The question is unanswerable. Am I angry? I don't know. Do I hate him? I don't know. When we kissed, besides the pain, I felt happy inside. It takes two to tango when it comes to relationships, Kieng. 

 

[Aren't you uneasy because you still have feelings for him?]

 

"But Ket never mentioned it."

[He might want to make sure first.]

 

"About what?"

[That you still love him.]

 

".." I'm speechless.

 

Do I still love him? I don't know.

[lf you ask me, I think Ket is wrong for not being clear.]

 

Right. I have no clue what he's feeling behind that emotionless face.

[What about you? How do you feel?]

 

Ning's words get me thinking. Come to think of it, despite insisting that I hated and despised him, I let him do whatever he wished without resisting. I let him kiss and hug me because, deep down, I knew my feelings were still the same.

 

"I don't know."

[I don't think Ket is a difficult person. Just tell him how you feel. Tell him if you're no longer into him. He'll back off.]

 

"Why are you talking like you're close to him when you actually hate him?"

 

Ning goes quiet for a moment.

[l've never hated Ket, and I've never hated my little brother.]

 

"But you hated that I dated him."

[Yeah...l would fix the past if I could, but it's impossible.]

 

"Of course, it is. Nothing can ever be the same."

 

We both fall into silence. Ning says nothing more, waiting for me to continue.

 

"I'm scared."

 

The waves crash on the beach as my eyes are brimming with tears. gaze up to hold them. There are loads of people out here. I don't want anyone to see me cry. Kieng is being weak.

 

[I know. I made you like this.]

 

"If I open my heart and his mom finds out, I'm scared Ket will look at me like a stranger again."

 

[People come back to make things right, Kieng.]

“…”

 

[Why would Ket return if he wasn't into you anymore?]

 

"But.."

[You know how much Ket hates the sea.]

 

Everything is in silence. I press my lips together as the old memories flood my mind, both childhood and new memories after Ket's arrival.

"What am I supposed to do now?" I ask the question since everything in front of me is a dead end.

 

[It's all up to you. Regardless of that, 'I don't know' is different from 'I don't like him.]

 

That's the end of our conversation, as only silence remains. I hang up and place my phone next to me before gazing at the completely dark sea in front of me. There's no reflection on the water due to the moonless sky. However, the glistening stars dot the sky. It makes me wonder why I didn't look it up sooner.

 

Hundreds of stars in the sky are free, uncaged, like birds flying away, soothing my empty heart. I clutch the can of orange-flavoured Fanta, denting it. I wipe the tear falling from the corner of my eye and sniffle.

 

Even though Ning hurt me, she knocked some sense into me and helped me realise something. My feelings are a pendulum, deciding which direction to swing. It stays right in the middle, slightly leaning toward the negative side. But when I recall the time we kissed, the time he was by my side, and the hand stroking my back in the dark room, it leans toward the positive side. It's like all directions are unclear.

 

I sigh hundreds of times until the sun rises over the horizon. I've been sitting here in silence until morning. I don't know what's going on at home. I doubt anyone is aware of my absence. I've simply sat stupidly on the beach to ponder my feelings.

 

I have no classes today, so I don't need to worry about attending classes after staying up until sunrise. I walk back to the residence with no rush. Sorn unlocked the entrance and started cleaning the restaurant so early.

 

"Kieng.." Sorn's face is painted with worry as I step inside. I crack a dry smile at him and Mee, who's craning his head out of the kitchen.

 

"You didn't come home last night?"

 

"No."

 

"Where have you been? Are you okay? Did anyone do something to you?" Sorn flips my body to check every inch and corner. I feel a little bit guilty for making him this worried, but I'm really okay.

 

"I'm fine. I was at the beach, listening to the waves to ease my mind."

"Why didn't you tell me? What if something happened?"

 

"I'm fine." I dismiss Sorn's worry with a weary smile, and Sor stops pressing me understandingly. I head to the back of the building to collect my hanging laundry, but stumble across the two men I don't want to see the most right now. Tong looks up from his comic at me, Ket by his side.

 

"Sorry. I'll get my laundry later."

 

"Kieng." Tong's firm voice stops me short.

 

"What?"

 

"Come sit and have a talk."

 

"What's there to talk about?"

 

"Are you going to let it be uncomfortable like this? Everyone here is worried about you"

 

Tong's words remind me of Sorn and Mee. It seemed they wanted to say something, but didn't. Thinking of Sorn's concerned eyes, I compliantly sit across from Tong.

 

Ket doesn't even turn around to look at me. I stare at his broad back, waiting for either of them to start. It's as if our cars, crashed, and we made Tong settle everything for us because we didn't want to speak to each other.

 

"What's wrong? Why didn't you come home?"

 

"Nothing."

 

"Kieng."

 

"Nothing's wrong."

 

"Then why don't you talk to Ket?"

 

"What's it to you?"

 

Tong frowns and smacks my head with the book spine.

"Both of you are my brothers. My brothers don't speak to each other despite living under the same roof, so I feel the need to interfere."

 

Pressing my lips together, I flick my eyes to Ket, who refuses to turn to me, and mumble to myself, loud enough for him to hear.

 

"Why are you scolding me? What about Ket? He also doesn't talk to me."

 

Tong realises Ket hasn't joined the conversation since I entered the room. The tan guy taps his close brother gently. The way he squeezes the broad shoulder in worry makes me purse my lips in vexation.

 

Ket slowly turns around and locks his eyes on me with no emotion. His swollen eyes are indicative of the terrible state of his body. I can tell he drank again from the reek of alcohol.

 

"Come on, why don't you talk to Kieng? Say what you said to me last night."

 

The man before me rubs his face a few times, then diverts his gaze from my eyes to the floor.

 

"Are you that angry?"

 

"What?" Our conversation begins with short sentences. "You're angry with me."

 

"I'm not angry. I'm hurt."

 

"Why? You're talking as if you still have feelings."

 

"I do."

 

My throbbing heart stings in my chest. I look at Tong pleadingly. I don't want to talk anymore. I want to go to my room and sleep.

 

"I don't know what those feelings are. You've never said anything. Plus, I'm not in the wrong here. Dalha kissed me. I didn't kiss her. She kissed me to bring up the contest and nothing more."

 

I have no idea why I suddenly felt the need to explain. It just slipped out of my mouth as soon as I started speaking. The man before me gazes up, his sad eyes becoming unreadable. But they seemingly have a tiny spark of hope. If I'm not mistaken.

 

"So you kissed Dalha, no, Dalha kissed you by accident?" Tong asks. I nod.

 

"What about you? Do you feel anything?" Tong asks me the way I did Ket earlier.

 

"Feel what?"

 

"Have you had feelings for Ket all this time?"

 

"What am I supposed to say?"

 

"When Ket kissed and hugged you, how did you feel?"

 

''I press my lips together tightly. I would say, 'I don't know, even though it'd make me a liar. Deep down in my heart, I've never resisted those things. Why? The familiarity?

 

"Isn't it because you still have feelings for Ket?"

 

"...'

 

"There's nothing wrong with still having feelings for your ex."

 

"What would you know when you didn't experience the things I did?"

 

"Come on. I'm trying to help you understand yourself."

 

"But I don't like it!" My shout quiets everyone in the room. Ket grabs Tong's arm as if to say This is enough. No matter what he says, I'll throw it back at him. However, Tong refuses to give up.

 

"When someone feels hurt to see another person kiss someone else, you know what it means."

 

"I can't read minds. How am I supposed to know? Besides, I don't care if Ket kisses someone else. We're not.."

 

"What about this?" Tong seizes the back of Ket's neck from his chair and kisses his lips softly, then he glances at me and pulls away. My eyes widen in shock. My racing heart is about to explode.

 

"What the hell was that?!"

 

"An accident."

 

"An accident, my ass. You kissed him on purpose."

 

"Yeah, maybe I did."

 

"What the fuck?! "You said you had no feelings for each other. You said you were brothers. What kinds of brothers kiss each other?

 

"Why are you pissed? Do you still have a thing for Ket?"

 

I stop my raised hand, aiming at Tong and glaring at the tan guy in irritation and hostility. I drop my gaze to the floor to hide my burning eyes, staring at the light grey cement that, oddly, gives off a sense of loneliness.

 

"I'm scared."

 

"Oh, Kieng, you ran away from home to live alone. You got into the university with no money. Just the feelings.."

 

"Will you quit blabbering? Do you expect a hurt person to open his heart again that easily? Is it that easy?"

 

"If you could take your parents and everyone else but yourself out of the picture, what would you say?"

 

A teardrop hitting the cement floor is a sign of my patience vanishing. Tong's question pulverises all the thoughts in my head and the walls I've built up in an instant.

 

If I could take my parents, whom I don't consider my family, Kangfah and Kaning, who never celebrated my relationship with Ket, and Ket's parents, whom he loved so much that he had to obey, out of the picture, Ket and I would be happier. We would stay by each other's side, not wasting our time in misery, not tricking ourselves that it was painful even though we'd never said we hated one another.

I can't take this. I can no longer fool myself. I sniffle in front of the two men. One is my neighbour. One is my ex, who has never officially broken up with me.

 

"I don't know."

 

"Kieng."

 

It's not Tong who puts his hand on my head. It's Ket's palm ruffling my hair gently.

 

"I just hate to see you with Tong. I don't like it when you come out of Tong's room. I don't like it when you kiss Tong, that motherfucker."

 

"I'm sorry."

 

"I'm not you, who always keeps your mouth shut. I don't understand why you're back but say nothing. But the more the childhood memories replay, the harder it is to shake them off."

 

"I know you two used to love each other dearly. You can't blame anyone but your parents for separating you two. Just don't blame yourself."

 

"You asked if I still have feelings for Ket. I can only say I don't know right now, but I don't like the way you act like he's yours."

 

Tong gives no reply. The tall man simply stands up and walks away, leaving Ket and me alone. I can't see Ket's expression as I cry uncontrollably. My heart feels so uncomfortable that it's about to burst. Plus, it feels like a hundred rocks are weighing it. No matter how much time has passed or what direction to swing in...

 

My pendulum for this man has never changed. I snatch Ket's sleeve, clutching it tightly.

 

"Didn't you say you were mine?"

 

"Yeah."

 

"Then don't let someone else kiss you."

 

"Kieng.."

 

"You're mine."

 

"Yeah, I'm yours."