South; Beside the Sky. 

I put the sweater on quickly, but it was too big, as I thought. Baggy. Really baggy. When I put it on, it reached my thighs, not my knees. The sleeves were also much longer than my arms. I wonder how Phi Fah knows my size. Maybe he bought it as a spare. Well, it doesn't matter; it doesn't matter; it's better to loosen than to tighten. I looked in the mirror and saw that I looked like a little girl dressed like an adult. Oh my God! I felt terrible. Why am I so small?

 

Why didn't I drink milk before? No, I did. I drank a lot, and I also tookThorfanMilk. But I didn't grow. Who said drinking milk can make you grow? Did the kindergarten teacher trick me? I raised my arms and took a picture to show him that the sweater was really big. You couldn't even see my fingers sticking out of the sleeves. But still, I liked it. I was glad that Phi Fah bought it for me, even though I couldn't wear it on campus. I wrote a letter and attached a photo as proof.

 

Thanks for the sweater, it's cute, but it's too big. Sorry.

I should have drunk more milk when I was little, but I'll wear it anyway, even though it's loose. I like it. Thanks again, you're very kind.

 

I had thought about buying him a sweater as a gift. After receiving a letter about a happy event, I decided to give him a gift, and it turned out to be a sweater. I don't know. Just imagining him wearing the sweater I bought him makes me think it would be cute. I didn't know his size, so I bought the largest size available just to be safe. If it had been loose, it would have been perfect and cuter. Also, I bought the white one because I thought it would fit him. But I didn't expect it to be so big.

 

I looked at the Polaroid I'd just taken from my bag. It was a picture of him wearing my sweater, with only his arms visible. The sleeves were so long that his arms were invisible. Is he really that small? The sweater would be too big for him if the sleeves were that long. When he put it on, it would probably turn into a dress.

 

I have more information.

He's probably not even 170cm tall.

 

"Fah."

 

"Hmm?"

 

“Ugh, I called you three times,” Jo said, annoyed.

 

"What is it?"

 

"I asked: Where do you want to celebrate your birthday?"

 

"I don't know, it's up to you."

 

"But it's your birthday."

 

"It's up to you."

 

"Okay, then let's decide." I nodded in agreement. Tomorrow is my birthday. I didn't realise it until my friends asked me where we were celebrating. I didn't accept gifts from anyone except the four of us because I couldn't handle it all if there were too many. That's why I refused gifts from everyone, because it was too much of a hassle.

 

"What do you want?" Hill asked. "Same problem for us every birthday."

 

"Yeah, I don't know what to make either. But if you ask me what I want for my birthday, I don't know either," Jo said.

 

"I don't need anything," I replied, raising an eyebrow. "You don't have to buy anything. We'll just have dinner together."

 

"It's on me," Hill said. "It's your birthday, after all."

 

"Then pick a place for dinner," I replied without worrying. "Does the little one know about my birthday?" Hmm. It's even better to call him Little. It's better than calling him "he" or "that person."

 

"Hey," said Thit, who was typing next to me. "Do you feel anything strange?"

 

"What?"

 

"Look at him, he's in love," Jo joked. "Anything new?"

 

"Nothing," I replied. "We were just chatting."

 

"Are you afraid he'll disappear?" Hill asked.

 

"Of course," I replied sincerely. "But I don't know how to make him understand that he doesn't want to disappear."

 

"I'm not sure, Fah," Hill said. "There's no guarantee he won't disappear." His words made me sigh. It was worrying because, as I said, nothing was certain between us.

 

“At least to put your mind at ease, I think you should move a little closer to him,” Johan said.

 

"Because right now, my friend here isn't himself anymore." He turned to smile at Hill. Hill nodded. I stared at them, unsure.

 

"Have you ever felt this way before?"

 

"In terms of what?"

 

"It's like your heart isn't yours anymore."

 

Today is Phi Fah's birthday. I prepared a gift for the person in the letter. I bought a Polaroid because I wanted Phi Fah to take pictures. We can share photos every day, but I don't know if Phi Fah will take them. If not, it doesn't matter because Polaroids still take beautiful pictures. One day, he'll use them.

 

"Phoon, are you going to the party?"

 

"Huh?" I turned and saw Ter sitting next to me, surprised. "Me?"

 

"Yes, it's Phi Fah's birthday. Are you going?"

 

"Can I go?"

 

"Obviously."

 

"Um." I paused for a moment. "Who else will be there?"

 

"The doctors, me, North."

 

"Oh." I was silent again for a moment. Should I go? Would it make me feel weird? But I want to go, even though we've been talking through letters. Hmm. Phi Fah likes me. I don't dare look at Phi Fah anymore because I'm embarrassed. When I thought about the things we talked about, about the chocolates Phi Fah bought me, about the message attached to the chocolates, including the white sweater I just received, when I thought about it being Phi Fah sending them to me, the same person I talk to every day, I started to feel nervous. But Phi Fah doesn't know it's me. But I know. I can't help but feel nervous.

 

"Should I buy a gift?"

 

"Phi Fah said no," Ter said. "My gift was shared with Phi Hill, and North's was shared with Phi Jo. Actually, doctors are usually like birthday boys: they don't want anything, but their friends give them gifts anyway." "Oh, what about me? Should I buy some?"

 

"You can buy a simple one, but haven't prepared a gift?"

 

"But it's from the person in the letter," I replied. I'd wrapped the gift carefully and written a note, but Phi Gip's store was closed today, so I didn't get anything for Phi Fah and couldn't give him a gift. "Where are they going to eat?"

 

"A regular seafood restaurant. Last night, Phi Hill asked me where! I wanted to eat. I was confused because it was Phi Fah's birthday! I didn't understand why he was asking. But Phi Fah said it depends on what place people like, so Phi Hill asked me, and Phi Jo will follow Phi Hill, and then North will follow me."

 

"So, in conclusion, everyone is very relaxed?"

 

"Yes, I want to eat fish, so let's go to a seafood restaurant."

 

"Okay." I nodded, indicating that I understood. Foam hadn't come to campus today because he had family business to attend to. "So you're going?"

 

"Okay. Who else is coming? North's friends?"

 

"North said he wasn't sure because they weren't that close to Phi Fah. I was a little disappointed. Besides, birthday people don't often get many presents. So it'll just be a quiet dinner."

 

"Do you think I should go?"

 

"You often meet Phi Fah."

 

"But actually, that's..." I paused for a moment before remembering something. "Okay, I'll go. I want to meet him. And besides, I've already decided not to run away."

 

"Okay, okay. But after we eat at 10:00 PM, we can get back to studying."

"Why?"

 

"Phoon, the exam is about to begin."

 

"Okay, but as I said, I'm leaving campus."

 

"But you still have to study the high school material, right? Let's study together. Study

"It's boring being alone," Ter said. I nodded slightly at what Ter said. "After a birthday party, it's so sad to have to study again."

 

"Hmm, that's true. Where will we study?"

 

"The bar you were at was soaked with rain. Mmm, it's raining like this today." Ter turned to the window and saw the rain pouring down. Today was Phi Fah's birthday, but it was still raining. This rain was annoying.

 

"Should I buy a birthday present?"

 

"It's up to you."

 

"And you?"

 

"I bought the book."

 

"But I don't have any money," I exasperated. I had just bought a Polaroid camera, which was quite expensive. Even though I had some savings, I was trying to limit my monthly expenses, and this month I had already exceeded my budget.

 

"Buy something simple."

 

“How about a notebook?” I suggested my idea.

 

"All right."

 

After class, Phi Hill came to pick us up. I asked if I could stop by and buy a notebook before heading to the restaurant. Luckily, the store offered a gift-wrapping service. If I'd shown up with an empty, unwrapped notebook, it wouldn't have looked good. Anyway, I wrapped the Polaroid in a gift box because I was planning to give it to Phi Fah today. But as I said, Phi Gip's store was closed, so it was still in my bag. I was a little surprised when Phi Hill looked at me from the window with a suspicious expression before disappearing.

The car stopped in front of a large restaurant. I thought their seafood must be delicious. Luckily, the parking lot was covered, so we wouldn't get soaked in the rain. When I got in, I saw Phi Jo, North, Phi Fah, and Phi Arthit sitting together.

 

“You’re so late,” Phi Jo said when he saw Phi Hill enter.

 

"I need to stop by for a moment," Phi Hill replied nonchalantly. I walked around and sat down in the leftmost chair, since I'm left-handed. As usual, Phi Fah was sitting across from me.

 

After we've been writing to each other, I've had the feeling lately that Phi Fah might, um, have feelings for me. I don't dare look him in the face anymore because I'm ashamed. I just can't look at him; I can't stand him. I feel ashamed every time I think about the messages we talked about, the photos of me, the chocolates Phi Fah sent me, that box, and the sweater I just received.

 

Like at the last party, everyone was chatting happily, except me, who wasn't much of a conversationalist except with those closest to me. When I sat at this table, I remained silent, listening to the others talk and eat. When something was funny, I laughed along. The person sitting across from me was the same. Phi Fah didn't talk much to anyone; this area was quiet.

 

"Thit, give me some shrimp," Phi Fah said before Phi Arthit brought over a plate of grilled shrimp and gave it to him. Phi Fah took the plate, slowly peeled the shrimp, and placed them on mine as before. I nodded slowly, as if to thank you, before removing anything else or peeling the shrimp and crab. I looked around. Everyone seemed to be staring at us, but no one said anything. They pretended not to see and continued talking. As for the letters, only North and Ter knew about them. However, everyone knew we'd been separated for a year and were happy not to mention it. Better to let it go. This is a good thing; it means Phi Fah isn't angry or hates me, despite everything! I was very cruel to him, indifferent, and I hurt him.

 

"I'm sorry for what happened in the past. I'm sorry."

 

I decided to apologise when I thought it was the right time. Phi and Nong's relationship had broken down, as had Tonfah's relationship with Typhoon, the villain who had hurt Phi Fah, despite Phi Fah having always been kind to him. Regarding my father, I thought I shouldn't rush; I'll let everything go as it is. But now it's time to apologise properly for the guilt of the past year, for all the pain I've suffered. Yes, okay. I pressed my lips together and slowly looked at the person. Phi Fah gave me a small, gentle smile, and I couldn't help but smile. Besides, my heart was beating as usual when he was with me.

 

As we were leaving the restaurant, everyone told us it would be better to buy gifts after we got to the bar, so we went there. The shop upstairs was the same as before, with only a few changes. The doctors, including us, started picking up books to study.

 

We sat on the floor, leaning against the cushions near the Japanese table. Everyone gave Phi Fah gifts, and so did I. I gave him a notebook I'd bought without saying anything. It was just a regular notebook wrapped in supermarket paper, and I wrote "Happy Birthday" on it. Phi Fah took it, smiled, and thanked me. That was it. But my heart swelled so much it floated toward Pluto.

 

After a while, North invited us downstairs for a drink while we waited for our food. We sat down, and he took the opportunity to ask me a question.

 

"Phoon, did you apologise to Fah earlier at the restaurant?" North asked.

 

"Hmm, why?"

 

"I don't expect it."

 

"Is it too late?"

 

"No, it's not that. But you let things go on for a year. I didn't expect you to apologise now."

 

"Exactly, I've thought about it. For now, I want to separate my story from the person in the letter." I began to explain, making hand gestures to emphasise that I wanted to separate these two situations for now. "Fah and I have been Phi and Nong for a long time, right? I should leave out the part about me liking her."

 

"All right."

 

"Then, when my father's problem comes up, I'll have to leave. I'd like to be Phi Fah's Nong, but I've decided not to. At least I feel like I've had enough of this guilt. So I want to apologise."

 

"Oh, and your father? What if he finds out you're talking to Fah?"

 

"Hmm, about that." I sighed. "I've decided not to live for him." My words made Ter and North frown at the same time. "I have to apologise to Phi Fah because that's what I have to do, but I won't tell him the truth. Do you understand?"

 

"Are you sure you don't want to tell her that you're not your mother's biological son?"

 

"Yes, I won't say I'm not my mother's biological daughter because that would make my father look bad. But I will go back to being close to Phi Fah like before. The reason my father doesn't want me to get involved with him is that he's afraid I'll tell him about his mistress. If that's the case, I won't tell him. Whether he believes me or not is up to him."

 

"So why are you afraid if Dad tells you to change universities?"

 

"If I sign the release myself, he can't do that," I sighed. "Now I'll devote myself seriously to photography. I won't bother Dad anymore. If my work goes well, I'll have enough money to pay my college tuition."

 

"Really, you don't have to worry about money?" North raised his eyebrows and said,

 

"Well, we can lend it to you."

 

"If possible, I don't want to bother you," I said. "But if this photo shoot doesn't work out, I could take on other part-time jobs. Wouldn't that be enough to cover my college tuition and other expenses?"

 

"It's enough, but it might be a bit tiring."

 

"Okay," I replied with a smile. "That's just the way it is. I should apologise. It's the right thing to do."

 

"I understand. Even if Phoon caused the damage, you still want to be someone who can be close to Phi Fah, right?"

 

"Yes, at least we can talk like we used to, not just looking at each other, but without being able to meet like that.

 

“What if Phi Fah asks you why you disappeared that time?” Ter looked worried.

 

"I'll say it's my fault," I said, because I couldn't tell the truth about my father. "I won't talk about my father at all, because he wouldn't want me to talk about him."

"Oh, so what about the letters?"

 

“Have you ever had someone you secretly knew secretly send you snacks or letters, but then act like they didn’t know anything in front of you?” I asked, and North nodded immediately.

 

"Yes, I saw it too lately."

 

"Oh." I nodded slightly. "If Phi Fah and I were like Phi and Nong again, I might do that."

 

"Ah, now I see," said Ter. "So what would a relationship like that be like, like two lovers sending each other letters?"

 

"Fine," I replied. "But if Phi Fah finds out it's me, I can only hope it's okay for him."

 

"Well, why should it matter if it's you?"

 

"I don't know." I shook my head slightly. "I can't read his mind."

 

"I think it's right that you apologised; it will make you feel better about yourself."

 

"Come?"

 

For example, I had a fight with Ter, and Ter made me sad. I didn't want to talk to him anymore. But Ter secretly loved me and secretly sent me things every day until I gave up. And when I found out it was Ter who had secretly sent me things, I thought: Why Ter? Why the person I was fighting with?

 

However, it would have been better if it had been someone I didn't hate or fight with. Exactly, so I was right to apologise. I breathed a sigh of relief. I was a little worried about making this decision at first, but when North told me, I immediately felt relieved.

 

"Let's just say you're on the right track. You agreed with your father, right? If he..." North waved his hand back and forth.

 

"How to abandon you."

 

"You didn't do anything wrong. You don't have to say it."

 

"If he leaves, I can't do anything about it," I said, feeling bad. My relationship with my father had become distant, and since I was now spending my savings and no longer asking him for money, we were no longer in touch.

 

Whether it was my birth, Fan, or all the things my father blamed me for, I knew he just wanted me to carry the burden. But none of it was my fault. I didn't choose how I was born. I didn't cause Fan's death. So I'll no longer be guilty of something I didn't do.

 

I thought my mother was gone and Fan was gone too, so I didn't want to lose my father again. But that's the reality. The person I don't want to lose the most is myself. My identity is something my father will never understand because he never saw me as someone of value. Nevertheless, I still have value for myself. I still love and respect my father in every way, but we've gone down different paths. Because the person who will be with me for the rest of my life is only me.

 

"My tears are like watching my son grow, damn it," North pretended to wipe away tears as we walked up the stairs, carrying snacks and sugary drinks. "When I first saw you, your eyes were always bright like Bambi's."

 

“Really?” I made a face like I couldn’t believe it.

 

"Really. I'm sorry to see you studying veterinary medicine. You seem unhappy. It's nice that you can choose your own path now."

 

"Exactly. From now on, if you need a photo shoot, contact me."

 

"Okay, I'll support you."

 

"Being strong is a good thing, Cat," Ter said. I turned because he had called me Cat.

"Seeing you like this, I understand that being yourself is essential. Unlike North, who thinks he's too special."

 

"What the hell? It's me."

 

"Yes, you're yourself. Good." Ter chuckled. "And who you can be yourself with is important, too."

 

“I feel complete, it’s true.” And with these words, I thought first of Phi Fah.

 

"North."

"YES?"

 

"What is this?"

 

"You still don't get it?" Since I studied physics in high school and North was an engineer, he must be good at it! So I asked him to tutor me privately. For an engineer, it should be easy.

 

"Start over. How about this? Find the mean value here and plug it into the formula."

 

"Don't change the formula first, it's better to criticise this idiot first."

 

"Stupid who? How can you say this is teaching?"

 

"I'm just a student, don't make a fuss." North rolled up his notebook and patted me on the head. "You dare raise your voice at your teacher?"

 

"Oh, you're a teacher who hurts his students."

 

I stroked my head and listened again to North's lecture. North was very good at physics. He might have said he wasn't very good at studying, but he excelled in some subjects. He didn't care about the subjects he didn't like, so his grade point average was low. That's why he said he wasn't good at studying. If he wasn't good enough, how could he get into engineering? He needed a solid foundation.

 

"If your test score is bad, I'll curse you. Don't embarrass your teacher," North said, pointing a pen at my face.

 

"Okay, Professor," I said irritably, glancing furtively at the stressed doctor. I was a little worried about Phi Fah, since it was his birthday.

 

He didn't get any rest on Thursday. I didn't give him a treat today. If I had, he would at least have had something to enjoy. Maybe there's something else, or something someone else bought him.

 

"Our friend has nothing to eat today," Phi Jo joked after the atmosphere at the table began to relax. "The cafeteria's closed, huh?"

 

"Fah didn't eat breakfast today," said Phi Hill. I, who had been eavesdropping, was a little surprised. Why didn't Phi Fah eat breakfast?

 

"Why?"

 

"Usually, every morning, he takes something the person has left. Today the shop was closed, so he didn't have breakfast."

 

“Have you ever eaten at the store near campus before?” asked Phi Jo.

 

“I’m not used to it,” Phi Fah replied without looking at his friends.

 

“Going to 7-Eleven to buy milk and snacks costs the same,” Phi Arthit said.

 

"It's not the same thing," Phi Fah replied. "Hey, why are you talking about me?"

 

"You're the hottest topic right now," Phi Jo replied with a smile, purposely teasing me. It was the first time I'd realised his friends were teasing me like that, and I felt embarrassed because I was eavesdropping. But because it was raining so hard outside, I couldn't hear clearly.

 

"The rain hasn't stopped yet," Ter said. "It'll rain again tomorrow."

 

"Oh, and Dao?" I asked, remembering. "I wanted to ask you. I haven't been able to contact Dao for a few days."

 

"Dao is in the hospital."

 

"Huh? Why?"

 

“I think he was too busy at work and didn’t eat, so he passed out,” Ter replied.

 

"I wanted to take you to see him tomorrow."

 

"Gee, he's so weak. I'll come and tease him tomorrow," North said, raising an annoyed eyebrow. Tomorrow, Dao would be teased by North for not eating all day. This would annoy him, and he wouldn't dare skip a meal again. Thank goodness.

 

"Okay, I'm going to the bathroom," I said, before getting up and heading to the bathroom downstairs, since the one upstairs was already occupied. At first, I wanted to ask someone to come with me because I was afraid of the dark, but when I saw the light on, I thought everything would be fine. I was a little annoyed because there was only one bathroom downstairs, outside the store, near the wall. Both men and women could use that bathroom because it had a toilet and sink inside.

I went in, locked the door, and was done. Afterwards, I washed my hands and grabbed some tissues to clean myself. But as I was about to throw the tissues away, the bathroom light began to flicker. Fear began to set in as it poured outside. I immediately took long strides toward the door, but I couldn't open it!

 

Why is the door latch stuck? The bathroom light flickered faster, and my heart raced. No, the lights shouldn't go out. I quickly turned toward the door, pushing and pulling. No. If the latch doesn't move, I can't do anything. And finally, the lights went out!!!

 

"Help! Help! Is there someone out there? Help me!" I screamed without thinking, as darkness enveloped everything. I was starting to lose control of myself and couldn't stop staring. No, no, it's dark!

 

"Open the door, please! I can't get out!!" I screamed so loudly my throat hurt. My heart was pounding so hard I could barely breathe. Sob, sob, no, sob. "No, no, not again!!"

 

I leaned against the bathroom door as my body began to lose strength. My hands and feet began to go numb. When the thunder cracked, I immediately fell to the floor, sobbing.

 

"Please." I hugged my knees and covered my ears with my hands. My face was wet with tears I couldn't hold back. My sanity was starting to slip. No, no!!!

Lightning, darkness, nothing more, nothing more. Sob. Sob. "Help me. Open the door. Someone."

 

The sound of rain and thunder outside. And the darkness I face inside. N-no, I can't take it anymore.

 

"Help me. Phi Fah, sob, Phi Fah. Please, Phoon, please. Phoon apologises; I didn't do it on purpose. Please help me. Not again. It's dark. I can't breathe."

 

I keep apologising even though I did it. Phoon apologises. Phi Fah, help me. Don't be mad at me. This time, Phi Fah won't help me out of the darkness? Come back and help me out of here...

 

"Phoo!" I heard a knock at the door. It was a very familiar voice.

 

"You Fah!"

 

"Calm down."

"Phi Fah, Phi Fah, help me! I'm sobbing. I'm sobbing." I kept screaming, crying, sobbing, and banging on the door. The relief and happiness I felt were hard to put into words. Just hearing his voice made me feel safe.

 

"Open the door immediately."

 

"I can't open it, the latch is jammed!"

 

"Shit." I heard him swearing behind the door.

 

"Phoon, stay away from the door."

 

I said nothing and slowly backed away, following Phi Fah's orders. I was surprised to hear two loud bangs before the door finally opened. Without thinking, I immediately ran toward the person who had broken down the door.

 

"Phi Fah. Phi Fah. I'm so scared."

 

"Okay, okay, it's safe now." Phi Fah hugged me tightly before patting me on the head. I continued to hug the figure in front of me tightly, crying uncontrollably.

 

"Phoon. Phoon, I'm sorry. Thank you, thank you."

 

"Okay, everything's fine now. Phi Fah is here."

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry for everything, Phi Fah, sob, sob. I didn't mean it. I didn't mean to say that. I didn't mean to hurt Phi Fah. Phoon apologises, Phoon apologizes."

 

"Yes, Phi Fah understands. Don't cry anymore."

 

"Back then. I always felt guilty for what I did to you, Phi. I hurt you." I let it all out, even though he probably didn't understand anything. I still cried like a little girl, just like before. I'm still the same Typhoon, then and now. I still want Phi Fah by my side, whether I'm just a weak little girl or I've grown stronger. The day I felt worthless in my own eyes, I began to see my worth, and I was able to get up, no matter how dark, cloudy, and rainy the sky was. Until one day, I realised that the sky after the rain is beautiful. I still love you.

 

"Phi Fah, don't be mad at Phoon. Phoon. Sigh. Phoon won't do it again."

 

Yes, Phi Fah isn't angry anymore. Phi Fah held out his hand to gently wipe away my tears. My vision was still blurry from the tears that continued to flow. All the lights went out before he slowly released his embrace, and I began to feel better.

 

"Are you OK?"

 

“Yes,” I replied.

 

"Then let's go back upstairs."

 

"YES."

 

Phi Fah reached out to shake my hand. I was surprised by his gesture, but I didn't want to say anything, so I followed him in silence. A warm embrace, and a hand holding mine, those touches, I'll never forget them. Because if it weren't for him, I would never have received a warm hug like that again.

 

“Thank you.” I thanked him again, as the sound of the pouring rain drowned out everything.

 

"Thank you too."

 

The person in front of me didn't turn to look at me, and the gratitude he returned surprised me.