South; Beside the Sky. 

Chapter 11. You are your home.

Five meters... four meters... three... two... one.

A half meter in front of me. Someone was waiting for me outside, separated only by a wooden door. I reached out and touched the handle. But I have to lower my hand. I can't. I can't open this door.

From the day I decided to leave, the number that called me remained the same, and it was the one that called me most often. He called repeatedly and repeatedly texted me to ask if something was wrong. What's wrong? Why did you suddenly leave without telling me? After that, the texts turned into questions. Where are you? Why aren't you answering? Are you angry? Can you come visit me?

I haven't opened or read those messages, but I'm waiting for the monthly announcement. Phi Fah didn't just text me. He also texted Fan; I haven't opened or read it, not even on Fan's phone. Two days have passed since then, and now...

"Phoon, come out and talk to me."

"Phoon."

"Can we go out and talk a bit?"

"Phoon"

Someone knocked on the door, and I heard a familiar sound. I stopped in front of the door, a few steps away from Phi Fah. But the truth is, we were very far away. I can't open this door. I can't do this. Phi Fah, I'm sorry. I bit my lip hard and let the tears flow again. I don't know how much time had passed. No matter how much time, my tears wouldn't stop.

From the moment I left the room that day, it was as if I were the darkness that disappeared when the sun returned. When you open your eyes, you find the darkness gone.

I didn't eat anything except a few snacks left in the room. I didn't go out, and I didn't want to. I stayed in my room all day and all night, feeling guilty, with a consuming loneliness and a despair in my heart. The despair was destroyed, because my room is the furthest away. I looked out the window. I realised the clouds in the sky were getting darker. The sky will cry. Shouldn't I cry today? Because I cried for all of you.

"Aren't you answering me?"

"Phoon . Phi?"

I raised a hand to cover my mouth and screamed louder than before, falling to the ground, helpless. I bit my lip hard, despite the pain, just to hold back the tears. No. Absolutely not. I will never hate you. Even if I die, I will still love you.

"Phoon, did you hear me?"

"Phi doesn't know what's wrong. Is there something you don't like about Phi Fah? Ever since I heard you were here, I decided to take care of you. To make up for the years we've been apart."

"Are you angry because Phi didn't take care of Phoon?"

Phi Fah. Don't blame yourself, please. Please, I'm sorry. It's my fault. Please, Phi didn't do anything wrong. I don't even deserve to be on his side. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. My hand began to stiffen. I reached out to grab my hair and then unconsciously pulled hard. I deserve to feel more pain than this.

Shortly after, the rain began to fall, drowning out the existing sounds. The other side is clearer than before. Please go. Phi Fah, please leave immediately. Please. You don't deserve to be here. Please. Go back. Go back to where you belong. Don't waste any more time with me.

"Go away."

"Phoon..."

"How long will Phi Fah keep bothering me? You can go."

"Phoon."

"Go away. I don't want to say anything else."

"Are you very angry with Phi Fah? Can you tell me why you're angry?"

"Can we talk a little? Please."

"You're annoying."

"You don't have to pretend to care."

"Please help me and come out from the front of my room."

"Okay, if that's what you want. Phi Fah's leaving now."

Before the sound on the other side of the door faded, it turned into the sound of pouring rain, louder than anything I'd heard before, including my own crying. I don't even have the strength to cry anymore. It doesn't matter, everything's fine. Phi Fah is gone. I hope you don't get wet in the rain.

An hour... two hours... a day, a week, two weeks.

The days pass without you by my side. Whether the sky is clear or cloudy, the sun rises and sets. Everything is the same every day. Everything remains unchanged. It's just that without you, I've returned to the unreachable sky. I haven't communicated with anyone since that day. Every day seems difficult. I don't even want to talk to my uncle, and I haven't spoken to my father. He called me a couple of times because he was afraid I would follow his orders. At least I can go out to eat until I'm full, though not every time. I've started tending to the plants again, which were starting to wilt because they hadn't been watered.

I went out and took pictures of the sky as usual. Some nights I couldn't sleep, I had nightmares and cried. But it all passed. As usual, as I said, not so good. But it's not all that bad. I always try to make sure at least one positive thing happens in my day. In the past, I often stopped to feed the stray dogs near the school and help run my grandmother's greengrocer. Help the teacher bring any small items you think are needed. This little thing alone makes me want to live.

It's still like this today. I buy food for the stray cats near my dorm every day, but I don't know if there's anything else I can do. Is planting trees considered a good deed? At least it helps produce oxygen. It might help someone breathe. All the better.

Over time, all of this helped me feel a little better, though not much. I didn't wake up crying, not like the first three days after Phi Fah passed away again.

I followed the campus courtyard. During this time, the medical team was volunteering. It looks like Phi Fah and his friends will be leaving as well. Looking at him from afar, I can see him clearly. Everything is fine. I blocked all of Phi Fah's contacts on my phone and on Fan's. Naturally, this was the last thing my father mentioned, and the last thing I had to do.

After watering the plants, I went back to my room and heard the same song. It had been playing for almost an hour. It's not a sad song. But it's a song that makes you feel even more alone. And I love it, and I don't want to turn it off. Or press the button to change the song.

*You are the light, I am the shadow on the wall when you sleep. Everything I need is here with me. Come to me. Everything I can say, I've said. I'm coming to you. There's one word I can't forget. You are the light; I am the shadow that shines on the wall. When you sleep, Everything I need is here with me. Come to me. What can I say? I've said it all. I've come to find you. There's one word I can't forget. Goodbye. A good goodbye. Not a single moment is wasted with you. I've realised that to survive, we need to be away from you for a while, and that's not a waste of time. I know that even if I survive, we'll still be apart.*

My phone rang. I looked at the screen and saw that it was Aunt Nuan's number. She had taken care of Fan and me since we were children.

"Hello, aunt..."

[How are you, Phoon?]

"I'm fine, how's Aunt Nuan?"

[I'm fine. How are you there? After Phoon, we haven't spoken. Why don't you call your aunt?]

"Sorry, I'm just busy."

[No problem, how about your dorm?]

"I'm getting used to it."

[So, where are you going to get food? Is there a restaurant nearby?]

I spoke to Aunt Nuan for a while. The other person asked me about myself, unlike my father. It moved me. I rarely call Aunt Nuan because I don't want to disturb her. After the house was sold, all the servants and housekeepers were fired. Although they are very dear to me, they are not relatives, and I don't want to disturb them. Are you coming home?

"Looks like I'm going home. When is Dad selling the house?"

[You said you would sell it as soon as possible.]

"So, I'll be home soon. Because it's almost time for the semester to start."

[Okay. If you come, please tell your aunt.]

"Ah... Is Aunt Nuan coming home today?"

[I'll be there.]

"Then Phoon will leave today."

[Today?]

"YES."

[Do you want your aunt to pick you up at the airport?]

"No problem."

[Let your aunt pick you up. How long will it take?]

"It won't take long. I'll call you back as soon as I book the ticket."

[Well.]

When I exited the crowded airport, I saw Aunt Nuan standing there waiting for me. It was a sight that made me smile. I approached and hugged Aunt Nuan immediately.

"Have you been waiting long, aunt?"

"Just for a moment."

"Thank you."

"No problem."

I followed my aunt to a rather old pickup truck.

"My car is old. Are you okay, Phoon?"

"Yes, no problem," I said with a small smile, got into the car, and sat in the driver's seat. "I want a father or mother who behaves like this. After the house is sold, I may never see Aunt Nuan again. Not only will my house full of memories be lost, but so will the people I remember.

"If the house were sold, what would you do now?"

"Me? I could go back to my home in the province. Maybe I won't work or do anything anymore."

"Good. Get some rest."

"Are you going to visit Fan?"

"Um, if that's okay, can we go through?" I said, and the car turned around. "Let's park in the temple parking lot. Then we can stop and buy some flowers and go in together."

I've been here many times. If you tell others this cemetery is my favourite place, it must seem strange. But what can I do when the person I love is here?

"Zia Nuan.

"YES."

"What do you think is possible... Is the ventilator still there?"

"Ah." My words made the person walking next to me pause. "I... I don't know."

"Why do you ask me?"

"Everything is fine."

"YES."

After placing the flowers in front of the photo, I wanted to stay there a little longer, so Aunt Nuan said she'd wait in the car. She thought I wanted to be alone with Fan, so I sat down, unafraid of getting dirty, and slowly stared at my sister's photo.

“Hello,” I said softly, smiling slightly.

"Do you miss Phoon? Sorry, I didn't bring you flowers every day like I used to. You don't have any friends to talk to anymore. It must be very lonely, huh?"

"Phoon is alone there, too."

I do it all the time, talking nonstop as if I were with Fan and she were listening to me in front of me, because no one comes here often. For others, it would be scary. But for me, not at all.

"Fan said you read that letter. I'm glad you read mine. I don't know if it's a real dream or if it's just my imagination."

"But thank you for being there for me."

"If it's a dream, does that mean Fan hasn't gone anywhere?"

"Are you still worried about Phoon? Is it Phoon who can't get Fan to go anywhere?"

"Oh, Nong, I haven't seen you yet." That hoarse voice made me turn around. Uncle Yot is a volunteer who cleans the temple. His house is right next door. I immediately raised my hand to greet him.

"Yes, I will study at university."

"Oh, that's right. Uncle is old and forgetful. How are you?"

"Okay, but I'm not used to it yet," I said, smiling, because I come here often and often meet Uncle Yot. He told me that since he came to clean this place, he hadn't met anyone who came as often as me. "Uncle, how are you?"

"Uncle Yot is getting old and keeps doing the same old thing, nothing," said Uncle Yot as he sat wearily on the bench. He's old. He still came to help at the temple because of contract work, but he didn't know what to do. Since then, his wife left their son. The story of Uncle Yot's life that Uncle Yot told me made me realise that sometimes life isn't beautiful, but you have to move on.

Uncle Yot felt a little happy helping clean the temple, sweeping leaves, picking up trash, and tending the graves of many important people. It may not be much, but it's enough to make someone feel alive. Perhaps it's no different from what I do every day to stay alive: waiting to see the sun again in the morning.

"I have to go."

"Okay, good luck."

"Thank you."

I waved goodbye. Then I walked back to Aunt Nuan, who was standing in the car, and we drove home. The streets, the houses, and the people in the village area have changed little. No matter how often I think about it, it's still scary. If this house were sold, I might never have a home to return to again. The horse-shaped marble table where we like to sit, the grass, the street, the steps in front of the house, the wooden door, the wall where we used to secretly draw, and the living room where we like to sit together. Every corner of this house is filled with memories. How can Dad sell it? This is our home.

I went upstairs and opened the door to Fan's bedroom. To my surprise, nothing was there. There was only an empty room. Since the owner of that room had left, everything in the house was gone too.

"What happened to the other objects?"

"The gentleman said we can take it and donate items that can still be used."

"Auntie, I'm sorry."

"No, Bi. The fans will be happy knowing their stuff can be used by other people," I said, smiling slightly.

"Phoon"

"YES?"

"Actually." Aunt Nuan approached me. She lowered her head and spoke to me in a low voice.

"Aunt, I don't know if I should say this."

"Fan. From the very beginning, he knew you weren't the biological son of this family!!"

"What? Does Fan know?" I asked, surprised. My heart began to flutter irregularly and I felt nauseous.

"Yes, Phoon was probably sleeping at the time. Auntie and Fan listen when your parents argue."

"We were both shocked at the moment. Aunt thought Fan was angry, but she smiled and said, "

"What did he say?"

"He said, 'Don't tell Phoon anything.'"

I bit my lip hard to contain the feeling in my chest. I secretly wondered if Fan knew I wasn't his biological brother, would he still love me the same? But the truth is, Fan already knows everything. And he still loves me as much as ever.

"And since Fan died, everything has been wrong. Auntie herself doesn't know what to do. Auntie can only take care of you."

"Yes, Aunt Nuan always takes care of Phoon."

"Phoon isn't the type to destroy families. Fan never thought so. So don't blame yourself."

"Aunt is always worried. I don't know how to console you because you're the only person she's ever loved. I'm sorry to say this, because Aunt has seen it since you were children."

"Okay. Hiks." I bit my lip hard and let the tears flow uncontrollably.

"Auntie loves Phoon too."

"Maybe this isn't the love you want. But your aunt wants you to know that someone loves you."

"Your aunt doesn't care whose child you are. After all, she's the one who changes your diapers, prepares your milk, takes you to kindergarten, teaches you, puts on your socks, and treats your wounds when you fall. And I'm the one who holds your hand to buy you a snack."

"Do not take my love for you lightly, for you are like a child to me."

"Don't keep looking for the people who turned their backs on you. Until you forget this old man."

"Auntie," I hugged the person in front of me tightly and cried hard. Without shame, I said, "Thank you again. Thank you."

"I love Bibi too. Thank you for always taking care of Phoon. Thank you." Aunt Nuan herself returned my hug and held me even tighter. Why didn't I ever think of this? Why do I always seek the love of someone who has never loved me, only to lose it all? Aunt Nuan hugged me and comforted me until I stopped crying. Then, she raised her hand to wipe away my tears.

"A thousand thanks."

"Okay. Maybe Auntie can't help you much. But Phoon can talk to Bibi. You can tell me everything. If I can help you, Auntie wants to help you."

I smiled, and my heart warmed, as if I couldn't express it. "As long as Auntie Nuan doesn't leave Phoon, that's enough for me."

If it doesn't rain, the flowers won't bloom. But the flower that's been in the rain all this time just needs a little light and will slowly bloom.

We walked around the house for a while. I spent the whole time trying to remember everything that had happened in that house and revisiting past memories, because I didn't want anything to be lost. After all, this is where we live together. As I said before, this may not be a very cosy house, but it's our home. When I felt everything was ready and I didn't want to disturb Aunt Nuan anymore, I thought about apologising. But Aunt Nuan seemed to remember something.

"Ah, yes, your aunt has something else to tell you."

"What is it?"

I followed the man to the warehouse next to the house because I had bad memories of that place. And I still feel so bad. It makes me so sick to come here.

"There's no need to come in. Wait a minute. I'll get your things."

"All right."

I watched Aunt Nuan disappear into the warehouse, come out with four cardboard boxes and place them in front of me.

"It's something Bibi's been keeping secret. I haven't told anyone because I was told to throw it away, but Auntie thought if I told you now, there wouldn't be any problems."

"What is it?" I asked, raising my eyebrows.

"I do not know."

"Uh... oh."

"But these items were delivered to you when you were one year old. They are delivered every March."

"Every year? In March?"

"March is the month of your birth.

My eyes widened in surprise at what that person had said. What does it mean? These items are sent to my home every year on my birthday.

"Oh, oh. But there are only four boxes."

"Yes, your father often throws them away. I secretly took these four boxes to save for you," Aunt Nuan said with a worried expression. "But there's no return name or address."

"But the recipient's name is there."

My hands began to shake, and my head and heart were pounding so hard they felt like they were about to explode. I couldn't stop myself from shaking. I slowly sat up and reached out, picking up the box in front of me. Is it possible? Is that what I think? I picked up a box and tried turning it over to find the name. Apparently, the recipient's name was there. It's written on the package.