PitBabe series2

"If you don't have me, will your life be easier, Charlie?"

 

Charlie's face was full of questions and a mass of packed feelings. I knew he was shocked, sad, angry and disappointed with my words. However, I'm unsure what proportion of those feelings will be. Maybe it's mostly angry. Or it would be disappointed that I didn't understand, as I've always tried to say. But believe me, all he feels now is not even a crescent that I must endure to be by his side.

 

"Babe, don't say this."

Hmm... Judging from the facial expression, anger should be the number one.

 

"Why... What else will you order me?"

 

"I didn't order it, but I don't like that Babe said this," Charlie raised his voice, his eyes widened wider than usual. I can hardly remember the last time he was so angry. Even when we fought about Willy previously, I thought he didn't look as angry as he is now. "How can it be easier? Babe still doesn't understand how I feel?"

 

"I understand because you said it, but I haven't felt it for a while."

The more I open my mouth, the more Charlie seems to be in a more severe shock, as if he is standing at the top of the game. As for me, I am a player who slowly pulls out the wooden blocks one by one, choosing to pull them from unexpected positions and making the building shake and shake until I almost fall to my death many times.

 

"Because I don't have time for you?" Charlie asked in a smooth voice, as if he were trying to suppress his emotions.

 

"So is there anything else?"

 

"I think Babe is getting lost." Charlie's expression is now not joking at all. He stared deep into my eyes as if he were using two hands. My arms were pinned to an iron wall. There is no sign of harm. I just want to hold him so that he doesn't run away. And don't let me do anything that I will regret later. "We quarrelled about the same thing repeatedly because Babe refused to deal with Willie for once. I didn't say don't interfere at all. But Babe should know what it shouldn't be. I don't have to tell you anymore."

 

"Oh... Well, you're going to say that you don't have time for me, it's not a problem at all?"

"And the fact that I don't have time means that Babe will go with anyone?"

 

"Are you cheating on me?" I'm staring at him. I'm surprised that I'm still being accused of this kind of thing repeatedly. Why? Because my past is like that? And in Charlie's eyes, I'm still the same person. No different from that time, so do you use it?

 

"I'm not saying I'm cheating. I'm just saying that Babe didn't do it right."

"So what am I doing? We were just standing together. I can't just stand side by side..."

I didn't have time to finish my sentence, and Charlie snatched his voice at me with frustration.

 

"Then why go and stand together in the dark here? Everyone else is in the house." His expression was confused. The wooden hand moved back and forth angrily, which doesn't seem normal for a calm person like Charlie. "If I come out to stand with other people two by two, do you know that Babe won't be angry? Do you dare to say that you won't be angry? When you're jealous, you can't do it. I don't feel the same. "

 

"Eh! It's my fault!" I snorted helplessly. Charlie's gestures and words made me look like I was the cause of everything. It made my heart go hot and almost explode. "It's my fault that I'm not happy. It's my fault that I want to come out alone. It's my fault that I didn't chase it. It's all wrong! I'm wrong. That's everything. You're never wrong!"

 

"Don't be sarcastic."

"I'm not sarcastic. You're never really wrong. It's all my fault!"

"Can you be silly? Tell him something to know!"

 

This is called Tosa. This is Charlie's most intense emotion. His loud voice and the destructive power are like a sudden lightning strike in the middle of my head. My body is stiff. My heart seems to skip a beat just because of the cruel words that I didn't expect to leave the mouth of someone like Charlie.

 

"Babe, do you know what I have to face every day? Both studying, working, racing, and Babe. I've tried my best to manage everything well. But I can only do this, Babe. I've tried my best. I didn't ask for much. I ask Babe to understand me. But Babe is like this!"

 

"I never asked you to do anything, Charlie!" I gave back without giving up. Each of his words reflected that Charlie did not understand anything. Even though he is usually someone who can see things more clearly and faster than others, today he is no different from a fool with blind eyes. He can't see anything. Even my feelings are like an element for him. "Never asked you to study, never asked for social work, never expected anything from you. I just want you to be my boyfriend!"

 

"So, does Babe want me to throw everything away?" Disappointment washed over Charlie's face. He looked like I was an idiot who was going to ruin his life.

 

"Will you quit studying, stop researching, and don't pay attention to anyone except Babe?

Satisfied?"

 

"Yes!"

 

Anyway, Charlie sees me as unreasonable. Then I will be as he wants today, and I'm doing well.

 

"What's up?"

 

"I want you to quit school. Stop paying attention to others. I don't care if others will die. I don't care how bad society is. I just want you to be with me all the time. Do everything with me. Only care about me. Twenty-four hours of you are mine alone. That's what I want!"

 

Charlie is no different from a charcoal robot. It's like there are no words left in his head anymore. There is only my voice shouting selfish words with a shameless face. I know that Charlie will never understand my selfishness because we are two different people. 

 

Charlie is a good person. He always thinks of others before himself. He can't stand seeing others in difficulty. His generosity is deeply rooted, so he feels like I have to offer it to others all the time. While I never think about those things. I only think about myself. I grab everything I can and am ready to compete for everything I want. I don't know if I was born with these nasty things or not. But for this moment, this is my own identity that I recognise.

 

"Does Babe know that I'm not Babe?"

 

Charlie spoke up. He seemed to have just regained consciousness. After a moment of silence, he didn't snort as loudly as before, but his low-pressured voice was even stronger. This was the ground we stepped on now.

 

"No, you're mine."

"Babe"

"You are mine, and I won't share you with anyone."

 

"I didn't think Babe would be like this." His disappointed expression was visible for a while, but this was the first time Charlie had spoken out about being disappointed in me. As far as I can remember, Charlie has never said this before—probably only me more. I like to say the word "disappointment" on his face, like spitting on the floor. "Babe used to live in that house. Babe knows that it's like dead and alive. And some people died. If you can't think of it, you can think of P'Way. Isn't that a friend of Babe? Did Babe forget why he died?"

 

I lowered my eyes. Charlie's eyes pierced me so much that I thought I might die if I still made eye contact with him like that.

 

"In the past, Babe couldn't stand to see other people being bullied. Babe wanted to help him. Babe tried to help because he didn't want anyone to be hit like he used to. And what's going on now? Why does Babe say this?" I don't know.

 

Now I don't even know who I am. I don't want to consider anything else: virtue, goodness, accuracy, ideology, or other humans. I don't want to recognise. I want to erase those things. Because the more I think about it, the more I feel evil and dirty.

 

The more I think... Charlie is even further away. He's so far away that I can't reach him.

 

"Did Babe forget what happened to him? Both being followed, being slandered, being scolded every day, how many times have you been hurt, how many times have you almost died? Don't you think these things are important?"

 

"I don't care."

 

"But I care!" Charlie said in a stiff voice, "I don't want to put up with these things anymore. I don't know if what I'm thinking will work. I just know that I can't be passive. I have to do something."

I told you, that's Charlie.

 

He cares, he's too good... Until I can't stand it.

"I'm very tormented, Babe. It's not just for other people. Everything I have now makes me unhappy. I don't want to be like this. I want to be a normal person." Charlie said in a soft voice, trying to convince me. He pretended to be selfish. Speaking like he did it for himself, too. A good person like Charlie tried to talk the same language as a greedy person like me to gain sympathy.

 

"No," but I can't close my eyes to believe it. Charlie has always been good at lying. Except this time, he couldn't fool me as he had. "You just want to help others. You don't care how you are. I know you well."

 

He was silent for a moment. His expression suggests that he was thinking hard about what to do with People like me. They are good.

 

"So is it wrong?" He asked in a tired voice, "What do I want to do that I believe... Is it so wrong?"

 

"It's not wrong, but I don't know where to put myself."

"Babe is in the same place. Babe is important to me. Always the first place..."

 

"No, Charlie, I haven't been to your place long." I don't want to say these words. Because it's not Charlie who hurts, I'm the one who said it, too, but at the same time, I can't deny that this is the truth. It's right in front of us. It depends only on whether we accept it. "One of your places is ideology. You have your world, and there's nothing for me in that world. Whenever I try to get in, I feel like trash. Everything in there is important except me."

 

"I think Babe already understands why I have to do this." Charlie's voice became tired. He had the wisdom to refine the mind of an unconscious person like me.

 

"I don't understand, Charlie. I'm just pretending to understand because I love you." My eyes are hot. It's like this every time we fight. I keep crying. And finally, Charlie gave up because he couldn't bear to see my tears.

 

"I told you that I don't care. How many more people will die is its business. I only care about it; it's only mine." But this time I won't let it be like that. If I win this time, I must win with dignity, not because Charlie agreed. Lose like in the past. "I used to honour Babe more than this."

 

Of course, people like Charlie can't accept this kind of unsympathetic idea. He wasn't made to understand these low things. He's been standing on my other side for a long time. In the past, we just tried to close our ears and eyes to meet the sweet need. Pretend to slowly forget that the part of the two of our world's spoon is a little bit. The size of the foot can't even be put down.

 

"I don't understand what's wrong with Babe now."

"I've been like this since the beginning."

 

"No, it's not." Charlie refused to believe what was in front of him. In the version of me that he doesn't want to know, "The Babe I know is not like this"

 

"So there are two things." There are two assumptions in my head now. "One is that I've always been like this. But I'm just pretending to make you like me." No matter which one it is, Charlie won't like it. But I will say it. I will say it clearly until it echoes in the smart brain and his good heart.

 

"With two is... You're the one who made me like this."

 

════[changbins_delulu_wife]════

 

I know, Babe.

 

This sentence is not a belief but the truth. Even though I don't want to admit it, it's hard to deny that when Babe called me "Nerd", I didn't dislike it before, but didn't think it suited me. Because if you can be called a nerd, that person must be interested (or obsessed) with something at the stage of studying hard. Able to answer almost all questions about that or get all of them. I don't see that I'm that hardworking or put in much effort. But over time, the echoes from those around me inevitably catch up to it.

 

There are many things that I was obsessed with. In the past, I liked astronomy and robotics. I still like it now. But it may drop down compared to other things. Later, it was racing, physics (especially quantum mechanics). I'm interested in vaccine production, human rights and politics. My interest jumps back and forth without limits. I never limit myself to being a pursuer. Just let yourself flow with the flow. Life, no matter what you encounter. If you find something that makes your heart beat and makes you feel a little nervous, I will take it seriously and start researching it. That's my lifestyle. Babe is one of my passions.

 

I try not to make myself obsessed with Babe to avoid being seen as creepy. That's why I let judgment be someone else's mission. It doesn't matter whether you talk in my ear or gossip behind my back. But the point is that I like Babe very much. Every story of Babe is interesting to me. Every time I look at him, I gradually collect information about him. Some are not caused by intention. But the subconscious mind appreciates and records it in the brain itself. Which that information is not just a personal history or likes and dislikes. But everything that makes up and is mixed into a human named Babe, such as the rhythm of walking, tone, frequency of blinking eyes, or even changes in breath, is part of it. I remember and understand the work. Without effort, I am 100% confident that I am the one who can see the most complete identity of Babe on this planet.

 

But everything collapsed from the moment Babe spewed those words: the story that I was his treasure, the story that he wanted me to leave everything for him, the story that he didn't care at all about who would die, the story that a close friend's death was just a sad but annoying memory, the story that he never understood me at all, the story that he pretended to understand, the story that I caused him to become like this. I don't recognise him anymore.

 

'Who is Babe ?' That's a question that used to be easier than the kindergarten entrance exam, but now it has become a question that no degree can help but cut out romantic feelings. What I still give Babe intensely is respect. Not only because he is a talented racing driver, but also because of various things that Babe values. Be valuable to himself. He loves and respects himself more than anything in the world. Babe values justice. Whether in the racetrack or in the world where he lives. Babe values relationships more than status or bloodline. He doesn't call Tony or even Uncle Reval family. Instead, he uses that word to Alan, who is just a stranger. Babe likes to say that he's selfish. Say he doesn't care about anyone. But his actions are full of warm attention. That's the one in my heart since the first day, but now I don't know. Where does he go?

 

Babe in front of me... He's like a stranger. He doesn't care about anyone. Even the hair, he says, he loves more than anything. Now, Babe looks at me from his property. It's a toy that he won't share with any friend. He must be a dog that won't have other dog friends. There is no favourite toy. This dog must only play with the toys that he holds and places for himself. Or even if he looks at me as a person, I have to be a person with a soul and will, with likes, beliefs, and needs that revolve around him. I have no right to resist. I have to be blind, deaf and dumb for him.

 

"What does Babe mean?"

I'm sorry. I'm angry. I'm disappointed.

 

"Babe is like this because of me. Isn't this what Babe wants to tell?"

I'm desperate. I'm discouraged. I'm scared.

 

"Did I make Babe like this?"

"Yes"

 

He answered without hesitation.

 

"I.... It makes Babe unhappy, doesn't it?" There are so many things I'm feeling. It's flooded in time until Eid is compressed.

"If you mean now... Yes," he replied softly, as lightly as the first time.

He said he loved me "like this... How can you be happy?"

 

I love him.

I love him.

I love him.

 

"So what do you want me to do, Babe?" My strength keeps deteriorating until it's hard just to move my mouth to speak. Looking into Babe's eyes used to be my little source of happiness. Now it's stiff and painful. Every time we quarrel, I always feel like hugging him. But today... It's not better. "What I just said... Do you think like that?"

 

"If you don't think about it, you won't say it." Babe lowered his eyes. But I can feel that he's not lying. "I lied.

 

It's not anymore. You said it yourself."

"Babe wants me to leave everything to be with Babe, right?"

 

"Yes"

What does Babe call this? Did he do this because he loved me? Why don't I feel it at all?

 

"Can you do it?" he asked me. Now, there must be only a lump in Babe's heart. It felt cloudy. The only light was hope for my answer. That small light that reflected in his eyes made my shoulders heavy. "Racing is still okay. Anyway, we race together."

 

"Does Babe think this will work?"

"At least it's better now."

"How do you know if it's better?"

 

"Because it's nothing worse than now." It's funny that I know Babe and understand Babe thoroughly. It's just a silly joke that I made up myself. I don't know anything. I don't even know if this is a bad time. This is a minor obstacle that may cause us to quarrel. But in the end, we will reconcile, just as we do every time.

 

I was wrong. All wrong.

"Listen, Charlie"

 

Babe is about to say something profound. I can feel the feeling accumulated until this time has not disappeared. Babe just spelt it so I don't have to assume that what he will say comes from unconsciousness.

"Phu loves you, I love you so much." Babe's eyes were gloomy. I don't like what he's about to say. Love me with those kinds of eyes. " I love too much... Until I can't bear to be less important than anything else in your life."

 

"But Babe is no less important..."

 

"I really can't stand it anymore. If you don't choose, I'll be crazy." It's normal for humans to have to decide everything in life. From small things like what to eat today. Will you wear a white or green shirt? After finishing work, go straight home or stop by the supermarket first? What should you save money to invest in for big things, such as studying medicine or literature? How will you use the budget to develop the country? Will you be sentenced or executed? Will you stop shooting or continue to kill innocent people?

 

I've made decisions all my life, both small and big. There are right decisions and wrong decisions. Some initially regret, then think of themselves as grateful to themselves in the past. Some used to be proud, but not long after, I scolded my stupidity. Everything about the nature of a human being remains the same to this day.

 

"Will you be a hero who helps everyone, or will you be my boyfriend?"

 

I never thought I would have to make this decision one day.

 

"Choose... Right now"

 

Everything was still. It was so quiet that I realised the house was more silent than usual. At least, it didn't look like a house with almost ten people socialising. Everyone should have heard my quarrel with Babe. Of course, when we splashed emotions on each other like that. Each of them choked their trachea to vent the anger they had been suppressing. The two of us had a brackish party. Now, they should be peering into the distance with concern, wondering who knows, simultaneously.

 

If they hear what we are talking about right now, everyone will want to know what I will say in response to this question.

 

I also want to know. What is the correct answer? I hope someone smarter than me stands beside me, waiting to tell me what to say. This nightmare will end. I want to wake up fully.

 

"Okay," Babe's voice was like the wind moving through the open door. It was light, a little and uncomfortable. "Understood," he nodded slowly. Tears ran down his cheeks and fell to the ground. Babe quickly wiped. It's like I'm afraid that I'll rush to wipe it like every time.

 

"Phu understands everything."

 

Babe considered silence as my answer. The light in my eyes flashed. Tears flooded until I could hardly see the reflection. I feel like I was standing on the edge of the cliff. Behind is a big, hungry bear that is ready to rub. Before me is an old wooden bridge that appears to be able to bear the weight. I can't stand it. It's not related to survival. I just have to choose how to die. Babe turned around and quickly stepped away from me. He took the car's remote out of his pants pocket, pressed the unlock button, but it still didn't unlock the car. 

 

When I saw that he was going, my legs moved automatically. My heart palpitations were about to break into pieces. I thought I had already made up my mind. But when I saw that I was going to the other party, I was scared. Ran out without caring if the bridge was about to collapse because of the weight of my footsteps

 

"Babe!" I grabbed the car door and tried to open it, but I pulled and fought hard. "Wait! Listen first!"

 

"No!" The owner of the car announced before pushing me vigorously until I fell onto the floor, "Go wherever you go!"

 

At the end of the sentence, the luxury car door slammed shut loudly. Before soaring out at the same speed as when I was on the racetrack, I could only sit stupidly on a hard concrete floor. I didn't even have the strength to stand up. Tears flowed down my cheeks. Suddenly, the air that circulated into the lungs typically started to work. I felt like I couldn't breathe fully. It hurt all over my chest cavity until I had to raise my hand to hold it, even though I knew it didn't help anything.

 

Like Dr Chris once said about heartbreak. He said that it's not just regret. The word "hurt" is not a metaphor used only to communicate psychological symptoms.

 

But it hurts. It hurts the body. The ability to squeeze the heart is sharply reduced. The whole chest hurts as if a heavy object had hit it. It feels like I'm going to die. Today I understand what it is like.

 

"Charlie!"

Jeff's voice sounded not far away. He ran straight to me, who was sitting, struggling to breathe. From what I thought, it wouldn't be wrong. Jeff must have been watching from the beginning. That's why he ran out as soon as he saw that his brother was dying, because he had just broken up with his first love without being prepared.

 

"Charlie," my brother, knelt before pulling me in for a hug. I didn't hug back, I didn't feel the warmth from the hug, and I didn't recognise anything. In my mind, I only had a picture of Bebe's face bathed in tears before he drove away. "It's okay... It's okay."

 

"Gone..." My voice is shaking. And it's not just a voice. But the whole body is strong, Shaking pathetically, "Babe... Gone"

 

"Calm down, let's talk. Now, Babe is still angry."

 

If it were normal, I would think so. But this time it's not. I don't feel like we're going to talk. Again, this is not just a quarrel and sarcasm, as it often is.

 

"We broke up..."

 

"How can you break up?" Jeff hugged me tighter. The little palms rubbed my back to comfort me. But it didn't help at all. "Babe  didn't break up with you."

 

"No, he has already chosen." I cried. Tears flowed into a broken dam. There is nothing I can control anymore. Even my body no longer listens to my orders. "I choose myself... I chose this."

 

"So, do you want to break up with Babe ?"

 

I don't know.

I don't know anything.

 

I'm annoyed that I keep sobbing. It makes it difficult to breathe. My chest hurts twice as much. I feel like my heart is compressing, and finally it will explode. I will die immediately. Die like Babe said. Go wherever you die.

 

Jeff hugged me and cried. I wanted to comfort my brother, but I lacked the strength. I'm going to die too.

 

"Today is his birthday....

 

From now on, Babe will have to think about it on his birthday. I feel like I'm the most evil person in the world.

 

Not today, but I will be, which is why I will be unhappy for many years or the rest of my life. At least once a year, his birthday should be special and joyful. My sludginess will haunt him and destroy the good moments that he has, like an evil curse.

 

════[changbins_delulu_wife]════

 

Babe's birthday this year is the worst year. We usually do it well every year. Everyone has gathered at my house since the late afternoon, bringing food and drinks, cooking (mostly my work), and preparing the place and accessories. When the sun began to set, the party started. We ate and drank to the fullest, talking about deep life problems, spreading to nonsense, embarrassing things, and secrets that had never been told to anyone before. When we started to get drunk, we would play pranks. 

 

Last year, Babe was punished and made to wear a mermaid tail in an underwater show. Charlie kissed me (I still want to vomit today), and North was ordered to say the word 'toast' at the end of every sentence. It's crazy, but we enjoyed it until we didn't want Babe's birthday to end.

 

But it's getting strange this year, since Charlie hasn't shown his face. Babe seemed normal at first. But the worry gradually showed over time. Until he got out of the band. I thought I was worried, but I didn't do anything more than just think about it in my mind. Breathing in the quiet air alone may help him calm down. But the reality is the opposite.

 

The sound of howling from the front of the house made the drinking band quiet without anyone having to say the order. Everyone looked at each other and stopped speaking. No one dared to move except for Jeff, who got up when he heard the sound. Jeff did not walk close to the two people, but he secretly looked from the house just enough to know the situation before walking back to sit in the same place and said, "Same fighting," with a smooth tone.

 

At first glance, we didn't worry much. Simply put, the two of them quarrelled normally. Many times, Babe likes to shout too much. This time, Charlie's late, maybe a little later than usual. Today is an important day, but even so, it's not that worrying. Everyone came back to set up a circle. We ate and drank to relax until I heard Charlie's voice.

 

That was a sign that the party was immediately interrupted. I looked at Jeff's face, asking for his opinion. Jeff still looked calmer than the others. But his eyes couldn't be completely closed. Babe's loud voice was almost no different from normal speech. We are familiar with it. But Charlie's voice like that is not normal. Children like Charlie are always calm and sober. He is older than an old captain like me. Since we met, I've never heard Charlie's voice so loud and filled with rage.

 

We can only stand in the corner, peeking away from the house. Their voices are louder occasionally, making it impossible to understand. But I'm sure it's a big deal, not just bending over like every time. Babe looked very angry. While Charlie was no different, they both argued, splashing emotions and malicious words at each other for a long time. Before everything gradually quieted down, we no longer heard Charlie and Babe quarrel. I withdrew.

 

The two children talked about it, breathing a sigh of relief at the end. But they disappointed me again. Suddenly, Babe drove away. Charlie sat on the floor as if he were heartbroken.

 

"Hey!"

 

I exclaimed when the boy with glasses, who had been lying on the sofa, quickly got up. I thought he was asleep after Jeff had taken the medicine.

 

"Where are you going?" I asked when Charlie took the car keys out of his pocket.

 

While walking straight to the front door of the house, "Charlie?" He didn't answer, acting as if he hadn't heard me.

 

"Charlie...

 

I was about to run after him, but Jeff pulled his arm first. Jeff looked at Charlie's back before turning to meet my eyes. He shook his head slowly instead of saying, 'Let it go.'

 

"Is it good to let me go now?" Even though Jeff told me to let go, I still can't help but worry. Charlie's condition doesn't look normal at all now. He doesn't look 100% conscious like he does every time. I don't know when it will recur again.

 

"I'm worried too, but we can't lock you up." Jeff sighed, then walked away and sat on the sofa where Charlie used to sleep. His attitude is obviously exhausted. "At this time, Charlie doesn't listen to anyone. If you don't let go, the symptoms will be worse."

 

I can understand that word. Here, no one knows Charlie and is worried about the child. That's the same as Jeff, even if he told him to let go. But the mass that surrounds Jeff still clearly says that he still can't let go, especially now that everyone has gone back. Jeff looks like a parent who just picked up his child from the police station. He didn't try to be as calm as before.

 

"It's going to be good, right?" I sat down next to Jeff, pulling the child who was about to melt into a liquid to sit with me. At least I can be his backrest. "Those two guys are always fighting."

 

"I don't know either," Jeff replied in a voice. "It's not normal this time, I see it."

 

"But this is Charlie and Babe." I raised my hand and rubbed Jeff's head slowly, adjusting my mood to the same tone as Jeff, even though I felt a little bit in my heart when I thought that tomorrow might be just Charlie and then Babe, not Charlie and Babe like in the past. "It can't break up."

 

"Anything can happen"

"Do you think they will break up?"

 

"Do you think we'll never break up?"

 

"If I'm serious, in the past, I never thought they could break up," I answered honestly. "It's true that they often quarrel. But I never felt that they didn't love each other. The two of them even seem to fight. Like the more they fight, the more they love each other, the more they love each other. Charlie accepts. Babe has a rhythm to give in to Charlie, too. So I can't imagine how they can break up."

 

"Hmm... I agree. They love each other very much."

 

"Very much, Babe loves Charlie so much. Since dating Charlie, he has changed a lot. I think He can't break up with Charlie."

 

"Charlie loves Babe very much, too," we both said on behalf of our brothers, who are close observers. My understanding is not too far from reality. However, when it comes to relationships, Jeff always has sharper eyes. "But Babe and Charlie's love is not the same."

 

"What do you mean?"

 

"Babe loves to possess. He will want Charlie to be around all the time. He will do anything to keep Charlie with him." Jeff said that he had realised these things for a long time. There is only one thing I don't look deep enough at. "But Charlie loves like he wants to protect and care for him. he wants to be with him. But if it's not good, it's better not to fight."

 

Jeff's explanation slowly took hold in my mind, relying on experience. The views were so patchy that I began to understand what Jeff was talking about.

 

"Babe  will want to die without Charlie, but Charlie will die for Babe to live." Sometimes, Jeff already knows everything. These things are hard, but they are not a Surprise to him.

 

"If you imagine that in an action movie, a fight scene, Babe will shoot the person aiming at Charlie, but Charlie will shoot everyone who has a gun except Babe."

 

Suddenly, I thought that this love is so creepy. It's not love or not love. Its concept is as vast as the ocean. The water's surface is flat, the same horizon as the world. But it's too difficult to understand the underwater conditions. Some are volcanoes, some are trenches, some are shipwrecks, some are ancient cities. Some are full of rare fish, some are empty, some are cold currents, and some are warm water. There is no way to know what's happening below until you try to see it yourself.

 

"The way they look at it is different. They focus on different points."

 

"Babe only looks at Charlie." I nodded slowly, imagining, "But Charlie, look at everything around, Babe."

 

"Yeah, that's it," Jeff replied flatly. "In the end, Babe may want to reconcile because he can't do without Charlie. But Charlie won't dare to return because he fears hurting Babe again."

 

"Charlie is an annoying hero, isn't he?"

 

"No, Charlie is afraid of getting hurt, too. If Babe is hurt, Charlie is hurt. No one wants to harm others. It's like protecting Babe. But actually, defend yourself. "If there are only two forms of love, like Charlie and Babe's love, I want to know what kind of person I will be. I will bind myself with Jeff or be ready to let him go on the day that hurts him. Trying to imagine and still can't think of it. I just know that I'm not ready to lose now. But if that's the case, will I accept more loss in the future? The more I think about it, the more I feel like I'm sinking into an endless deep well. No matter how far I fall, it won't reach the bottom. It's scary and lonely until I have to hug Jeff tighter.

 

"If one day we have an event that makes us choose like those two, which one will you choose?" I asked Jeff in the hope that his answer would fulfil the excitement in my heart. 

 

"Would you choose to leave me?"

"It depends on what happens if you stay."

 

"If you stay, you will be more tired. There may be more things to think about, then we may quarrel more often."

 

"Do you want Jeff to stay?"

"I already want it."

 

"ALL CASES?" Jeff looked up at me. He looked adorable, even though he would be in a state of mental instability like this.

 

"In all cases"

 

Jeff's eyes are low. He seems to be thinking seriously, even though it's just a question from a fictional situation, which is good because his answer will affect my mind, even if it's just a matter borrowed from someone else.

 

"If you're tired but you're okay, Jeff will stay," Jeff answered without hesitation after considering for a moment, "But if Jeff is tired, Jeff will go."

 

"Oh, or not?"

"Well, I may be okay with being tired, but Jeff is not okay."

 

I admit that I didn't expect this answer. And think about it for a moment that Jeff doesn't look ready to fight together. Although I had announced before that I would be patient and by his side, some places may have an age gap, as others say, for Jeff, who is still young. He still has the opportunity to meet many people. There is still time to start a new tree. But I was born for a while. I don't want to start over again. My life is beginning to fall into place. Even if everything can change every day, it won't be so much that it's lost. Therefore, the only thing to kick and cut my legs now is Jeff.

 

"Look at the face," Jeff chuckled and raised his hand to squeeze my cheek as if he was going to

It's quite a bit of fangs. "Little heart?"

"So should it be?"

"I didn't say I'm going to quit now." "But in the future, isn't it certain?"

 

"Yes, the future is sure; I can't sleep." Once again, I feel like a child in this relationship. While Jeff seems stable and has answers to everything, I'm still floating in the middle of my own confusion. I never know how to decide until the problem is really in front of me. "Tomorrow, I may not love Jeff; who knows?"

 

"Let's say it's too much." I pinched his cheek back and also shook it gently until Jeff answered.

 

"I still love you today. How can I not love you tomorrow?"

"Jeff may be very spoiled tonight."

 

"Like?"

"Make Pu Alan’s feelings hurt "

 

"That's all, it makes me stop loving you, kid." Jeff giggled with an accent like my old man. He likes to make fun, but seems to like it when I say that. If you ask who likes my old character the most, the number one must be my boyfriend.

 

"If you're tired, I'm okay. Jeff won't decide for you. Jeff believes you can handle it if you say you can stand it. But Jeff doesn't like it when you're tired. Because if Jeff is tired, it's not just Jeff who is unhappy. But the people Jeff is with will not be unhappy either." Jeff slowly explained in simple words. He looked at my eyes, raised his hand to his hair group. I played happily. At the same time, it also made me feel relaxed. "Jeff knows where your limits are. Jeff doesn't like to force. Especially when it comes to relationships, it's not like exercising. Just tired, rest and then start over. 

 

Tiredness in Relationships, don't have time to rest. If you can rest and recover, no one will break up." Jeff always says that everything makes sense. I have learned more throughout our relationship than he has learned from me. This is an empirical example of the saying that 'Maturity does not vary with age'. People who have been there longer may see more. But it doesn't mean they understand more. Some people with hollow brains, even if they get to the pole, will die. There is no way to discover or achieve anything alone, and that little brain space is limited. I may not be stupid enough to be called a hollow brain. But Jeff understands things much more deeply than I do. Sometimes I am an ordinary person. As for him, he is a brilliant child. Like, there is no wrong brother.

 

"I understand," I sighed. "I don't dare to think about the day I broke up with you."

"Jeff doesn't like to think about it. Just talk to me."

"You are so old and hard-hearted."

 

════[changbins_delulu_wife]════

 

"You can do it," Jeff smiled at me. A smile that may not be seen often because this child's face is a flat expression by default. I always like to make a dead face. But every time he smiles, I automatically smile. "If you're very tired of Jeff, don't force it."

 

"Don't say that. I'm sorry."

 

"Alan." Jeff's serious tone made me feel like I'm not an adult in my thirties. But like a fourteen-year-old who thinks he knows everything well, even though he has not fully understood his identity. "Jef wants you to be happy."

 

"I'm happy when I'm with you"

 

"If it's like that, it's good. But you have to if you're not as happy as you are now. You know, you know how to be hard-hearted?"

 

I can only nod my head. Although I really don't understand the core, if I'm a 'hard-hearted' person, it will make Jeff more comfortable. I will be a person. Of course, I hope the hard-hearted days will never come.

I drove past the house.

 

This is the first time that I'm so unconscious. I even forgot that I was driving. It's like I'm here. But that mind floated back home. If it weren't for that, I was startled to realise it myself. By now, I would have been a famous young racer on the news page.

 

A lot of stories swirled in my head. I picked up everything and thought about it. I would like to go back in time. Suppose I knew that staying to solve problems at the lab would make Babe and me break up. At that time, I should have left everything to Dr Chris. At least I should have brought myself to live with Babe first. And how about other things? Then call. We can talk. If Babe had seen my face first, everything wouldn't have ended like this.

 

I circled the car back home. After wasting almost twenty minutes, parking in front of the house, sighing in relief at the sight that Babe's car was parked. Now, no matter what, it worries me. I was afraid that Babe would go somewhere other than home. I don't want Babe, who is in an unstable mood like that, to live in a strange place or with strangers, because then he recites "stay at home, stay at home, stay at home" all the way. The next fear is that Babe will change the door password, as he did when he was angry with me. But fortunately, the same code can still be used, which wouldn't be the case if he were kind or waiting for me to return. Babe should be so angry that he forgot to think about it more.

 

All the lights on the ground floor are dark. The whole house is quiet. Babe is probably in the room. I'm going to take a shower and go to bed.

 

Hmm... If that's the case, that's good.

I dragged my feet awkwardly up the stairs. Every step was heavy because a huge mass of fear weighed it down. Even though I was the one who made this happen, just thinking about it scared me.

 

The bedroom door opened. I looked straight at the bed. Babe was sleeping. He was lying on his side with his back to the door. Only the headboard light was still on, casting a dim light. Everything was completely still. I sat down on the bed next to my regular side. It was still empty, just as it was every day. But Babe didn't mean to let me sleep next to him every day. He was more used to sleeping on the left side of the bed. After about three minutes, I was still sitting in the same place without any words falling out of my mouth, not because of my throat or because I couldn't think of words. But I don't know if I can say those words separately.

 

"Tonight... Do you want me to sleep here?"

 

I finally asked. The other party didn't answer, but I'm sure Babe is not sleeping. He has no way to sleep in this situation, even if we don't have a big fight. Babe can't sleep without me by his side anyway. Now, he's just sleeping because he doesn't want to see my face.

 

"Just for tonight or until Babe can sleep alone."

"Go wherever you want"

Babe agreed to answer me, but his voice was so cold that my heart was cold.

 

"Can you sleep by yourself, Babe?"

"If you just sleep and can't do it yourself, you'll die."

 

"Can you not say that?" I accidentally made an annoyed sound at him. But it really can't be helped. I hate it the most when Babe says he doesn't care about his life like that. "If you can't sleep, just tell me. I'll sleep with you. Tomorrow morning I'll go."

 

"If you're going to go anyway, go from now on." Babe didn't yell like before, unlike the version of Babe with the fight that I often see. This is the version of Babe that seems to hate me. It's quick and heartbreaking, but I don't blame him at all. "Don't come because of pity."

 

"I don't pity you, Babe. I'm worried."

"Don't worry"

 

"Babe..."

"This is not your house anymore. Pack up and leave."

 

The feeling is like the one I had when Alan returned home. This time it's not as severe. But it hurts enough to catch my breath. I looked at Babe back with a sense of torture. Strangely, he's only one arm's away. We're still in the same bed, but I miss him. I long for him. I want to hug his back plate close to my chest. I want to kiss him. After the neck is smooth and warm. I want to do everything like I used to. But one of the voices in his head echoes that I no longer have that right.

 

"I'm sorry," I said in a soft voice. Because I can't use any more sound, it's like there's a big stone blocking my neck. It hurts so much. Every time I try to splash it down. It hurts so much that I want to cry. "Sorry for doing it. Babe's birthday is ruined"

 

Among all the stories of sadness, this is my story. Feeling very guilty for Babe is the top. Now, Babe is silent, but I know he is listening.

 

"Babe may feel bad about his birthday for a few more years after this. I'm sorry. I don't want it to be like this. I know it's disgusting to say this. But Babe, don't remember these things." Even though I said it myself, I still hate what I heard to the point of almost vomiting. Babe would want to get up and punch me in the mouth. However, he was still kind enough to lie down as usual. Let the bastard like me keep talking alone. "If possible, forget it quickly. Happy birthday every year. Don't let me make Babe's birthday a bad day."

 

I want to see Babe's face, but I know it's too much alone for now. It was considered very good that I brought the dirty body to sit on the bed with him.

 

"I don't know how close I can get to Babe after this. If it's uncomfortable, please let me know. You can tell me if you don't want to see me in the team. I'll leave. If you don't want to see me in the field, I won't race anymore. The car will return it to you. Anything that belongs to Babe, I won't take it."

 

I didn't realise I was so good at talking to myself. Now, in my head, I have millions of words and hundreds of topics that I want to tell Babe before I go. But Babe doesn't want to listen to my voice that much, so I'll choose only what I need.

 

"But I'd like to keep the gloves." My voice is shaking. I have to take a slow breath to force myself not to cry at a time like this. Just sitting and talking to his back is annoying enough now. "Maybe I don't use them anymore. But I want to keep them. Besides, it's useless to keep it with Babe. Babe can't wear my gloves. And Babe probably won't want to wear them. I know for me. Keeping it's annoying to the naked eye."

 

I didn't expect Babe to reply. Because it would be challenging for me to get out of here, even though he was so cold to me, I still want to hug him. If he spoke to me, I would have crawled back to him like a dog.

 

"Thank you for everything, Babe. All this time we've been together, I've been so happy. Even though we always fight, I never get bored."

 

Tears are gone.

 

"After this, I will miss Babe a lot. I might call. Come on, say hello. If you don't want to talk, Babe, don't pay attention. You can blog me, so you don't have to be bothered. I like to do stupid things when I miss you. Babe understands me. "I used the back of my hand to wipe my tears. However, I soon discovered it was a wrong decision because the more I tried to wipe it clean, the dirtier it got. It spilt out like pouring a whole jug of water into a teacup.

 

"Take care of yourself, Babe. Eat on time if you don't want to make it yourself, or at least order something good. Eat and don't forget to take medicine. Make a wound in the morning and evening. Don't forget to make an appointment with a psychiatrist. It's indispensable. It will be bad to be alone." Babe moved a little. I'm more like this than he would turn to me. But I expected too much.

 

I move to pull the blanket up to cover him separately. It must be annoying.

 

"I..."

I want to talk to him again. But this is enough.

 

"I know that Babe is very angry with me. Or maybe hate it, but Babe ... No, it's okay, Babe can hate me. I deserve to be hated."

 

This is too painful. I used to imagine a day without Babe and crying like a child. But the fear at the time was not comparable to what it is now. I don't see a sign that I can overcome this feeling. I believe with all my heart that I will never forget him. No matter how hard I try, I will still see Babe whenever I close my eyes. I will smell him every time I breathe in. His voice will float in the wind. I imagine he whispers that I love myself, and I will reply without hesitation.

 

"I love Babe ." I swallowed the lump and sobbed with difficulty.

 

"I wish you happiness every day. He is happier than when I was with me. No matter what, in the past, Babe thought I didn't love you. I felt that something else in my life was more important than Babe. But I confirmed that it was not true. In my life, nothing was more important than Babe. I would not ask Babe to understand everything I did. I just want Babe to remember that there was never a day that I didn't love Babe. It's over. My time is up.

 

"I'm going to finish packing tonight. Wake up early so you don't have to see me anymore." I left bed thinking I had to hurry up and finish packing my belongings soon so I wouldn't disturb Babe's rest time. But when I turned to look at him curled up in the blanket, I was selfish.

 

I walked around to the other side of the bed where Babe was lying. I was kneeling on the floor beside the bed. Then, I reached out to touch the part of his face that I thought was his. Babe was startled a little, probably because he was shocked when he was touched. But he didn't say anything. He was just lying still as usual, so I considered it allowed to touch. My palm was attached to his cheek just right.

 

I moved my face to the person on the bed little by little. Slowly, but finally, we touched each other. Even though there is a blanket, I'm sure this is his lip because it moves a little when I feel my mouth. I hold it for a moment, no more than five seconds, before leaving with the feeling that my heart is broken. I don't want this kiss to be the last.

 

"Happy birthday... Babe"