North: How much is your love?

Chapter 25: Try to fix you.

(>> Johan <<)

“Johan, I see you like this every day. You can’t keep coming here drunk every day like this.” James’s voice boomed, drowning out the music and the other noises in the bar. I turned to the person next to me.

 

“It’s my story…” I said, raising the glass in my hand and draining it in one gulp. The rich sweetness of the wine spread down my throat, flowing quickly. The glass was empty on the table in just a few seconds, and I reached for another. The alluring colour of the wine shimmered in the glass, beckoning me.

 

"Come on, calm down," Frank, sitting at the same table, said. He held a glass of wine in one hand and had his other arm around a woman's waist. The scene before me was blurring. The table was cluttered with bottles of all kinds and brands of wine, mixed together. But I no longer cared about the taste.

 

"I'm starting to get drunk too," James said. "Looks like the liquor in the bar is almost gone."

 

"Drinking like this is such a waste," Frank said sarcastically.

 

"James, pour me another glass." I placed the empty glass in front of him, urging him when I realised there were no more full glasses. James just shook his head slightly.

 

"That's enough, you've had too much to drink. You look like this, even a dog wouldn't recognise you."

 

"It's not as bad as yesterday," Frank interrupted, "But pure vodka is making my throat numb."

 

"That's enough, Johan."

 

"James," I called his name again, repeating my request, my voice pleading, as if I wanted him to fill the glass until there was nothing left to drink. Finally, James opened a new bottle of wine and slowly poured a full glass for me.

 

"How did things turn out like this?" Frank asked curiously.

 

“It was nothing at first,” James replied, “But ever since North started bringing his girlfriend over, that idiot has been drunk like a dog every single day.” He pushed his glass of wine toward me and shook his head, “You drank a whole week’s worth of wine in one day. When you first told me you liked someone, I didn’t think you’d be this devastated.”

 

Yes… At first, when I found out he had a girlfriend, I didn't think it was too bad, just a little sad. I even told myself I probably didn't like him that much, but then, when he brought his girlfriend here, things started to change. I felt uncomfortable whenever I heard them talking; the smile I used to love was now reserved for her. It's as if everything he does is just to make her happy. And then I wondered…

'Why wasn't it me?'

 

"Damn it, when are they going to break up?" I muttered angrily, my mind filled with questions, 'Why wasn't it me? Why her? Why does he have a girlfriend? Why won't he give me a chance?

 

"You see him cuddling with his girlfriend, and all you want is for them to break up." Frank chuckled, "What a jerk."

 

"I never said I was a good person," I retorted with a smirk.

 

"It's been two months, right? He's known her for almost two months," James mumbled, as if he'd just realised something.

 

"Yes, almost two months." Frank nodded.

 

"So you come here every day just to see him?" Frank raised an eyebrow at me. "Just to sit and watch him with his girlfriend, while you yourself get drunk. That's terrible."

 

“Yes, I wanted to see him, not her. But he keeps bringing her here almost every day,” I grumbled, my voice full of frustration. I raised my glass and drank it over and over again until my senses faded.

 

It looks like I'll be drinking more than usual today, because I just heard them say that he's very much in love with his girlfriend. I don't even understand myself. Why do I have to feel this way? Is it always this painful when you're serious about someone? Why is everything so vague and difficult?

 

"So, have you started working from home yet?" James asked, interrupting my train of thought. "What did your dad say?"

 

“He was a little surprised, but then agreed to teach me. If I did well, he would let me go live with my uncle in Los Angeles.” I remember telling my father: I wanted to try working with him. At first, he seemed surprised, but after my uncle spoke up for me, he agreed. Even so, the apprenticeship wasn't easy at all; I had to manage quite a lot on my own. It was a real challenge.

 

"Los Angeles? So when are you going?"

 

“I don’t want to go right away,” I replied, raising my glass and taking another sip. “But my dad wants me to go. I’ll have to start my apprenticeship right away, so I’ll probably go in the second semester.”

 

"Just a few months is about how long?"

 

“Probably about a year. Then I’ll come back to take the college entrance exam.” Currently, I’m in my fifth year of high school, first semester. If I go to Los Angeles, I’ll come back in my sixth year, second semester. Then I’ll prepare for the college entrance exam.

 

"So what are you going to do with your little darling?" Frank asked, his eyes full of teasing, "Look at you now, you're a pathetic mess, handsome Johan."

 

"I don't know." I shook my head slightly, set the empty glass down on the table, and reached for another. Meanwhile, James continued talking.

 

"Just try to get through it," James said seriously.

 

“I know… but it’s probably going to hurt. At first, I thought I was okay, but damn it, it hurts so much.” I said, my voice full of anger. I leaned back in my chair, trying to find some comfort amidst the turmoil in my heart. I slumped back on the sofa, speechless and helpless. A soft sigh escaped my lips, an attempt to soothe the sharp pain in my chest.

 

“If you think you can truly love someone, you have to learn how to save yourself from the pain. At least, that’s what I’m trying to do,” James said calmly. “But for you, someone who’s never really been serious about love, it’s not easy. The person you fall deeply in love with is also the person who can hurt you the most. But I think what hurts you even more is that, in this whole thing, you never really had a chance.”

 

"Damn it, you're just good at denying it," Frank sneered. "But that proves you're genuinely in love. Think about it, if he breaks up with his girlfriend and comes to you, but then one day he falls for someone else, you'll be the one who gets dumped again."

 

"I won't let that happen! Don't even dream of him having a chance to think about it. Anyone who dares to interfere will be dealt with mercilessly!" I retorted, my jealousy burning like a raging fire in my chest.

 

"Look at you, already jealous even before things have started." Frank shook his head and laughed loudly.

 

"Just let me be with him.  He can do whatever he wants to me. As long as he stays with me, that's enough." I blurted out, my voice filled with helplessness.

 

"Honestly, you're in a terrible situation right now, Johan," James sighed, gently shaking his head as if utterly fed up with me.

 

“Every time I’m near him, I ask myself: damn, how could I love him this much? It’s driving me crazy,” I said, my gaze drifting into the distance.

 

"Does he know? That there's someone who almost went crazy just because of his smile?" Frank chuckled, but his voice had lowered slightly.

 

"But that's all I have, damn it!" I yelled, a mixture of anger and helplessness welling up inside me.

 

Frank was right. Will he ever know? That his smile alone is enough to drive me crazy. For the past few days, my life has depended on it. I'm addicted to that smile, truly addicted. The more he smiles, the more I love him.

 

My fatigue vanished the moment I saw him. Just listening to him chat, joke with his friends, or recount what happened during the day made everything so much lighter. He’s like a safe haven I want to find refuge in, even though he’s completely unaware of it.

 

"Johan, sometimes you have to learn to let go. I'm sorry, but I have to be frank with you. It seems like they won't break up easily; he loves his girlfriend very much. Can you handle this pain?"

 

"I can't."

 

"Well then, first you have to stop and go see him."

════[changbins_delulu_wife]════

(>> North <<)

 

I was a little surprised I didn't hear anything from the table opposite because usually when I come to the bar, there's always someone sitting there. Although I never really see their face because of the rather high partition separating us. And if I wanted to see, I'd probably have to lean forward, even stand on tiptoe, and I'm sure they wouldn't be pretty anyway. 

 

On nights when we're out late, after everyone else has gone home, James doesn't usually go outside but sits at the counter in front of the door, leaving just him and me in the bar. At least, I feel safer having him there, because I'm afraid of ghosts.

 

There were many times he shared his snacks with me. When I complained about being hungry but was too lazy to go out and buy food, he would pass the snacks across the gap between the tables. I didn't dare strike up a conversation or ask anything; I just said thank you for the snacks because I felt he didn't want to talk to me. The reason he shared the food might have been because he didn't want to hear me complain about being hungry. He passed the snacks across as if to say, "Just be quiet for a bit!"

 

And if I have to be alone tonight, what should I do? Usually, by 2 or 3 in the afternoon, everyone's gone home, because this is a suburb far from the city. People here usually go to bed early, unlike in the cities where bars stay open late and are always crowded. But James's bar stays open until the last customer leaves.

 

I have to wait here until 8 PM because that's when I finish my studies. If you ask why I don't go home instead of waiting, it's because I prefer to hang out here. I don't have a computer at home, and my mother doesn't really care. She just tells me to take care of myself and my girlfriend. As a man, picking up and dropping off a girl is normal. Why isn't the guy sitting across from me here today? I really tried my best to buy some snacks and bring them back, but it's been almost two weeks, and he still hasn't shown up. Is he sick? Or has he stopped playing or moved to another place? Did I make too much noise, or is he bored because James charges too much? The hourly rates here are really expensive.

 

"North, I'm going to buy some noodle salad at the shop over there, do you want some?" Tae, sitting next to me, asked while playing a game.

 

"Yeah, please buy one for me."

 

"Do you want more chilli and onions?"

 

"Put everything in, tell her to put everything in, the pan, the spatula, the gas stove too."

 

"What are you planning to do with them?" Tae chuckled softly when he heard me say that. He left the shop to buy something; I think usually they'd put this in a glass dish, but you could put it in a small styrofoam cup and take it back to the shop to play with. My computer suddenly shut down while I was playing a game. When I tried to turn it back on, I discovered that the code James gave me had expired.

 

"Hey, Palm, look at this," I called a friend over to take a look.

 

"Has the code expired?"

 

"Well, what should we do now?"

 

"Ask the owner."

 

"Yeah," I said, then turned to look at James. But he wasn't there; he must have gone out with his friends. I walked over and stopped in front of a walkway with a sign that read "No Strangers Allowed."

 

What should I do? The computer was off, and James wasn't here, so I decided to go in. The first thing that made me stop was the smell of cigarette smoke, mixed with loud noise. Was this some kind of mess? There was cigarette smoke and other smells I wasn't familiar with… What were they doing here?

 

“James,” I called, leaning in to look into the room. I saw James sitting on the floor playing the guitar, along with a few friends in the spacious room.

 

“North, why are you in here? There’s a sign saying no strangers in,” James said, turning around, but I didn’t really care. I looked around before going in. Even though I’d ​​been playing here for a while, I’d never been in this room before.

 

"What are you looking at? There's no one here," James said.

 

"What's going on?" I asked, raising an eyebrow, and sat down next to James.

 

“That’s my friend, the one who said he likes you, North. But you don’t need to worry about it,” James said. I remembered that day when I rejected him, and he talked to me a few more times, and I started to wonder who that friend was, but James wouldn’t say. If he wouldn’t say, then I didn’t want to know either. “No strangers allowed, so you can leave.”

 

“James, am I a stranger? I’ve been here so many times, this place is practically my second home. And you still call me a stranger? Why are you stopping me?” I said, pretending to be slightly annoyed, “You play guitar too?”

 

"Oh, uh."

 

"Really? I'm learning to play guitar too," I said excitedly, as I was currently practising with a friend's guitar.

 

“…”

"Then teach me how to play."

 

“…”

"Damn it," I said, completely forgetting why I was there.

 

Before taking the guitar, I noticed three of James's friends sitting on the sofa in the corner of the room. It seemed James had separated himself to play alone. No, probably not alone; there were some small items in front of him. "Is anyone else here?"

 

"My friend is here too, but he's gone to the restroom," James said. "That's fine too."

 

"Why?"

 

"Okay, so you know what to play now?" James asked.

 

"I can only play simple chords. My fingers hurt a little when I hold them for a long time, and there are some chords I can't keep up with." I felt ready to do it with a serious expression.

 

"Oh, your fingers are too short."

 

“James,” I called, making a face and holding out my hand, but he dodged it. “No, look here.”

 

"North, do you want to play the ukulele? That's definitely easier."

 

"James, why are you being so slow?" I said, pouting at him. James started teaching me chords for a while, then played a song.

 

"What song do you want to play? What kind of music do you like?" James asked while looking for chords.

 

"Right now I only listen to cheerful, positive music; I'm feeling down."

 

"Feeling down? Why?"

 

"I don't know either. I feel frustrated and tired of my girlfriend. We're not very compatible." I blurted this out unintentionally because it had been bothering me for a while.

 

"Why is that?" James turned around, looking concerned, "Tell me."

 

"Why are you so nosy?"

 

"You can call me nosy if you want, but tell me, hurry up."

 

“Wow…” I liked that he admitted to being nosy. 

 

“I don’t know either. We’ve been dating for over two months now, right? Every time we talk, we never manage to talk for long, so we don’t really understand each other’s habits yet. She seems uncomfortable around me.” I sighed.

 

"Uncomfortable? What do you mean?"

 

“She seems unhappy when I'm around, always lost in thought. I feel like she's seeing someone, someone older than me. That's been bothering me and making me think about it constantly. I haven't said anything to her about it, but it's clear she's uncomfortable around me. We argued about my liking to go to the arcade; she told me to stop playing, that I need to grow up.”

 

"Oh, why would she say that to one of my regulars? How could this shop survive without North? A significant portion of the business's revenue depends on you."

 

"Well, and I see how often you come here," James said, chuckling softly at his comment.

 

"Oh, and then what?"

 

"There are days when she says she's tired from studying and doesn't want to see me. I understand she's tired, but if I could, I'd like to be the one to help her get rid of that fatigue. Like a place where she can find peace."

 

"So you feel you're not necessary to her?"

 

"Perhaps so. It's as if she doesn't want me around," I said, smiling bitterly. Another person walked in.

 

"I also think that if I had a girlfriend..."

 

"What do you think?"

 

"I will give that person my favourite song. I want to be the one who is always by their side, the one who is always there when they are tired. No matter what tomorrow brings, no matter how bad things get, I will try my best to help them."

 

James was silent, as if he were paying close attention to every word I said.

 

“But with my current girlfriend, I don’t feel that way. I feel like I can’t do anything to help her. I can’t, even though I’ve tried my best,” I said weakly. “It feels like I’m not the person she needs, like I’m not the place she wants to find comfort.”

 

“…”

"So I think… if someone truly considers me their safe haven, then I would never let that person go."

 

"What song is that?"

 

"EH?"

 

"That song you were talking about. I want to hear it."

 

"Fix You" by Coldplay.

 

"Ah... that song is really good. The lyrics touch the listener's heart. What else?"

 

“Yes, ‘ the light will guide you home and ignite your bones, and I will try to fix you .’ That’s my favourite part, but actually, I like the whole song from beginning to end. So I said that if anyone truly feels the same way as me, I want to dedicate this song to them.”

 

“…”

"But with her…it's not like that. What should I do now? I've fallen for her."

 

"Is this what you think? If someone feels it's wonderful to have North around, a place to find peace whenever they're tired, would you really want to dedicate this song to them?"

 

"Yeah, of course. And I'd follow the lyrics too, but oh well, I already have a girlfriend."

 

"That's a shame," James sighed softly. "But North, you also said you wished someone else felt the same way, didn't you?"

 

"Yeah, so what?"

 

"No, if North says so, then I think this song will soon become someone's favorite."

════[changbins_delulu_wife]════

(>> Johan <<)

 

🎶And the tears come streaming down your face

When you lose something you can't replace.

When you love someone, but it goes to waste.

Could it be worse? Lights will guide you home

And endure your bones, And I will try to fix you🎶

 

"I will give that person my favourite song. I want to be the one who is always by their side, the one who is always there when they are tired. No matter what tomorrow brings, no matter how bad things get, I will try my best to help them."

 

“I’ll give that person my favourite song. I want to be there for them, always there when they’re tired. No matter what tomorrow brings, no matter how bad things get, I’ll try my best to help them.” James repeated the exact same words.

 

Last night I wasn't in the room because I went to the bathroom. When I came back, I saw him sitting with James. I initially intended to walk past, but instead, I sat down on the sofa. And he said he had a problem with his girlfriend.

 

"He said you haven't seen each other much lately, right? Haven't seen your girlfriend?" Frank asked again.

 

"He said he wanted to care for and help his girlfriend, but it seems his girlfriend doesn't care."

 

“Well, this guy says he’s giving up and not going to see that kid anymore. It’s been two weeks, and I don’t see any improvement,” Frank said. “You say that, and now what? You’re still drunk as a dog.”

 

“He keeps asking about the person sitting across from him, Johan. He keeps asking why that person hasn’t arrived yet, and who’s going to stay with him until late,” James said. “He even said he brings snacks every day, and that he’ll share them with you when you arrive.”

 

"Oh my god, why are you asking that? I'm about to die, damn it!" I said angrily. Another day sitting here drinking like this. How long has it been since I last saw him? Damn it, why is it so difficult? Studying and working are exhausting, and I want to see him, hear his voice, see his smile. And especially today…In other words, if he were with me, things would probably be like the song he said he wanted me to hear.

 

"You didn't say it directly, but just look at this. Listening to this song over and over again, I understand how much you need him. It's obvious, right?" James emphasised again. 

 

"And you're really pathetic, you bastard. Honestly, I feel sorry for you."

 

"And then what?" I asked.

 

"You need him by your side. You're the one who needs someone to take care of you; aren't you two a perfect match? We're just one step away from that. But why is it like this? Why is it like this? Huh!"

 

“James, calm down,” Frank said. “Ignore their business. I only have one question: how did it come to this? Why did you like it so much?”

 

"So, Johan, how do you feel?" James turned around and asked.

 

"Damn, this is awful, especially when listening to this song. I really want him by my side," I said, blaming myself.

 

"I think it's this, Johan," Frank said, "Go ahead, I know you can do it. Or go talk to his girlfriend, threaten to break up with him."

 

"Frank, you're a real bastard," James yelled, turning around.

 

"I've thought about it," I said honestly. I really had thought about it, even though I was late, why shouldn't she get to have him? "But I won't do it."

 

"Why?"

 

"If I do that, will the person I love still be happy?"

 

Because I love his smile so much. So I don't want it to disappear. And then… My first attempt to let go failed.

 

Fix You – Coldplay

When you try your best, but you don't succeed

When you get what you want, but not what you need

When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep

Struck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face

When you lose something you can't replace

When you love someone, but it goes to waste

Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home

And admit your bones

And I will try to fix you

...

 

Then, for almost a month, my life revolved around the same story: waking up and seeing him at the soy milk shop, going to school, seeing him again at the game arcade in the evening, and ending up at the bar. But recently, I've stopped drinking alcohol in my free time because I've been working from home.

 

"Remember to give me a call," James said as we got ready to go celebrate my trip to Los Angeles. My dad wants me to do an internship there with my uncle for about a year. I have to fly tomorrow too.

 

"Okay, I promise," I replied.

 

“Actually, I think going there is fine. I know you don’t want to go. But there’s nothing wrong with letting your heart rest for a while. It would be better if you stayed away for a while,” Frank said, smoke rising from the cigarette he had just lit. “I only want what’s best for you.”

 

"Yeah, I think so too," James said, handing me a pre-mixed drink. "Regarding going to Los Angeles, did your dad force you to go?"

 

"No, actually not," I replied. "He just said he wanted me to go."

 

“So I guessed right,” James said, preparing to raise his glass. “Actually, I thought you’d leave. At first, I thought you wouldn’t make it, so I’d wait, but now it seems you can’t wait any longer. Besides, it looks like they’re not going to break up. Wouldn’t it be a good thing if they didn’t break up?”

 

"Hmm." I simply replied. Then, I took a cigarette from the pack, put it in my mouth, and lit it.

 

“But I accept Johan. You’re really in love,” Frank continued. “For someone who changes partners so often, the fact that you’re not seeing anyone at all now makes me quite happy.”

 

"I don't know," I shook my head slightly. "When I know I'm in love, I don't want to be involved with anyone else."

 

"So if you want to wait, then don't be with someone else. But if you want to let go, there's nothing wrong with loving someone else, right?" James said.

 

“I don’t want to wait,” I said before taking a drag on my cigarette, feeling it go down my throat. A cold sensation spread, and I exhaled a cloud of grey smoke. 

 

“Damn, it hurts. If he tells me to wait, I’ll wait, no matter how long it takes. Just him telling me to wait wouldn’t be such a waste.”

 

"Yeah, just wait and see," James said, ready to swear. He stood up irritably, "You said you wanted to get married, didn't you? But with things like this, you might die of lung or liver disease before then."

 

"Yeah," I replied, agreeing. When you smoke, you're just poisoning yourself even more. I'm the type who can drink any amount and never get drunk, so when I'm not drunk, I switch to smoking.

 

"Let's smoke another cigarette, and we're sure to get drunk today," Frank said. "Goodbye before you go to Los Angeles."

 

"Sure."

 

"I'll see you off at the airport tomorrow," James said. I nodded before picking up my glass and taking another sip. I don't know how many times I'd already taken one.

 

“James…” I called out to the person sitting nearby in a low voice, as the images before my eyes began to blur, which meant I was starting to get drunk.

 

"YES?"

 

"James, please take care of him."

 

"Is this what someone who says they'll forget should say?"

 

Living in Los Angeles has given me many experiences I'd never had before, including studying, working, and making new friends. Going to new places is exciting; I'd already travelled a lot while I was in Thailand. This was another decision I made, and it led me to do the opposite of everything I'd ever done before meeting him. Yes… for some people, that's enough.

════[changbins_delulu_wife]════

(>> North <<)

 

I sat down and stared at the bag of soy milk and Patonggo next to it. It was almost time to close the shop, but the guy who usually drives the Ferrari wasn't here, even though he normally stops by every day. He was a little late today, so I had to leave the soy milk behind and always save some Patonggo for him.

 

"He's not coming anymore?" I asked while we were chatting. Uncle Pae, the shop owner, was standing next to me, packing up his things.

 

"He stopped buying it because he found it too sweet. That's all," Uncle Pae said.

 

"Oh, it's not sweet at all. I've tried it already," I said, frowning. After my uncle reminded me every day that I didn't like sweets, I went home and wondered, "Is it really that sweet?" Because I added some syrup, without it, it certainly wouldn't taste good.

 

"He hasn't been here for months. Maybe he abandoned us and bought from another shop?" I asked the person next to me.

 

"Probably. He probably went into the shop behind the market to buy it."

 

“Really? Why quit like that? That’s so sad.” I sighed sadly. Then, I got up to help Uncle Pae clean up the shop, and opened my bag of soy milk and Patonggo to eat because my school wasn’t very strict. By the time I lined up, it was almost 8:30 a.m., and since the school was near the market, I could easily walk to class after cleaning up the shop.

 

After finishing the bag of soy milk, I realised that… this soy milk was incredibly sweet. I didn't find it delicious at all. Why does he keep ordering this? Moreover, the man who used to buy soy milk every day has also disappeared. The person sitting at the table opposite me at the arcade is nowhere to be seen either. Initially, when he was gone for a while, I had the chance to return the snacks. But now, once again, he's gone.

 

...

"How are things going with you and your girlfriend?" James asked as he stamped my restaurant card. "How many months have you been dating?"

 

"Ah, it's been six months, almost half a year already." I thought, remembering that we had dessert yesterday to celebrate our six-month anniversary. I'll still have dessert to celebrate our anniversary next time; girls are so cute in those moments. But I also care a lot about little things like how many months we've been together.

 

"Is that okay? You initially said she didn't care about you, didn't you?"

 

"Oh, it's alright," I replied sincerely. "Jam and I understand each other better now, everything's fine."

 

"That's good then," James smiled and handed me a scorecard. "What time are you home today?"

 

"It's 2 o'clock, as usual. I also have to go pick up my girlfriend."

 

“Okay, I have some business to attend to today. At 8 PM, if everyone’s gone home, please close the shop,” James said. As he said, around 8 PM, everyone had started leaving, and since James wasn’t there, I was definitely going to be alone in the shop.

 

"What kind of shop owner are you?" I said, slightly angrily, "Then I'm going home."

 

"Hey, North, don't say that, I know you're free. I'll pay you 200 baht."

 

"Are you trying to tempt me with 200 baht?"

 

"500 baht?"

 

“James, I’ll definitely be staying until 8 p.m.,” I replied with a smile before accepting the 500 baht.

 

"Just like before, no need to do anything, just play games on the machines at the counter. Anyone who comes to play just fills out their information and gives them the code. That makes paying easier too," James emphasised. Besides being a regular customer, I came so often that the owner even asked me to look after the place.

 

"I know, I often help you run the shop so often that everyone thinks I'm the owner now."

While minding the shop alone like this, I find myself missing the person who used to sit across from me.

 

...

It wasn't until my fifth year of high school, during the second semester, that the uncle in the Ferrari came to buy soy milk. I was surprised to see that Ferrari; it had been almost a year since I'd seen it parked across the street. My uncle came in and ordered soy milk, and he kept repeating that he didn't want it too sweet.

 

"You've been gone for so long," I said, smiling as I picked up the bag of soy milk.

 

"Ah, that's because the young master went abroad to study," the uncle said, a smile on his face.

 

"Young master? Oh, are you buying this for someone else?" I asked, out of habit. I usually invite others to talk to me; I don't know why, but anyway, there were no other customers at the moment. "I thought you were buying it for yourself."

 

"No, I bought it for the person waiting in the car."

 

"Yes." I nodded as if I understood. Such an expensive car, the owner must be very wealthy. "Doesn't the young master like sweets? I've tried adding less sugar, but it doesn't taste good without some syrup."

 

"Yeah, he doesn't like sweets."

 

"So you just returned from abroad?"

 

"Yes, I just got back the day before yesterday."

 

"Ah... that's great news then. Let me give you some Patongko," I said with a smile, ready to put a handful of Patongko into my bag.

 

“…”

"No need to pay, I'll give it to you. Tell that person I want to say 'welcome back.' And why didn't you tell me he was leaving? I've been leaving cakes and milk for days waiting for you to come and pick them up."

════[changbins_delulu_wife]════

(>> Johan <<)

 

"Is that what he said?" I asked, looking at the bag of soy milk and Patongko in my hand.

 

"That's right."

 

I sighed softly, looking out the car window, reflecting on the nearly year I'd spent in Los Angeles. I'd gotten over not thinking about him, but many times while I was there, I'd silently miss him. Whenever something unpleasant happened, I'd wonder what he would have done, what he would have thought about it if it were him.

 

I admit, it's been a long time since we last saw each other. It did help me get over it a little, but when we met again…

 

"Have you gone completely stupid after falling off your horse?" James asked, pulling out a bag of Patongko to eat. "So what? You went to Los Angeles for a year and then went to visit that person at the market before coming to see us?"

 

"He comes here every day just to wait for you," Frank teased before bursting into laughter. He took Patongko out of his pocket and ate it, "Hey, that's delicious."

 

"Damn it! A whole year of my hard work." I said, sighing once more. Their words kept repeating in my head.

 

"Why did he disappear without telling me? I wait every day, but I don't know when he'll come back."

Damned…

 

"Relax, you'll get distracted," James tried to reassure me. "You see, he's become a regular now."

 

"James, I'm really confused. I'm trying to forget the person I really like, but they keep saying they're still waiting for me."

 

"That's right," Frank said, "Especially at the arcade, that person is still waiting for you."

 

"Damn it." I cursed without much emotion.

 

“Okay, I feel sorry for you. Is that a smile or marijuana? What got my friend addicted to that?” James said, “Or maybe North is just messing with my friend?”

 

"Oh, was he just joking with me?"

 

"Wait a minute, he already has a girlfriend, and you're saying he's just flirting with other people? Don't be silly."

 

"That's not it, Frank. Shut up," I retorted angrily. James and Frank exchanged a subtle glance, then I sighed.

 

"We're definitely back to square one," James said.

 

“So, Johan, how’s it going? You haven’t been seen with anyone for a whole year in Los Angeles?” Frank asked. “I bet you’ve been out more than you were in Thailand.”

 

"Yeah, it's even more chaotic than it was here," I answered honestly, with plenty of women, alcohol, cigarettes, and everything else. But I also studied and worked more in Los Angeles until my father said that if I continued like this, he would give up. He would find someone else to do the work for me.

 

"Nobody? I mean, you lived life freely, enjoying what young people should do while you were there," James said, "But then you came back here only to be stuck in the same old routine again?"

 

"You're quite the smooth talker, aren't you?" I said seriously. "Has he broken up with his girlfriend yet?"

 

"No, I saw him post a picture of them eating roast pork together yesterday," James replied. "They've been together for a long time, over a year now."

 

"He's such a dog."

 

"So you really aren't dating anyone? Are you okay?" Frank asked again.

 

"No." Actually, I've met a lot of people, from school, work, to trips, "But I really can't open up to anyone."

 

"And you don't want to get serious with anyone, do you?"

 

"Do you think I wanted that?"

 

“In short… You couldn’t control yourself, could you? Even though you hadn’t seen him for a whole year,” James repeated. I was silent for a moment before deciding to nod.

 

“I’ll probably never forget him for the rest of my life.” I sighed to release the pent-up emotions in my heart. “I don’t know, James. I like him, I really like him. The more I think about the present, the more I want to see him. Why is that?”

 

"Oh my God, I'm so tired. If you want to see him, go see him right now."

 

...

I looked at the snacks they gave me, completely bewildered. Finally, I decided to go back to the arcade. When I arrived and noticed someone sitting at the counter, I went outside for a moment and returned with a bag of snacks. He wrote it on a piece of paper and stuck it on the snack package:

 

‘Let's continue being friends like before, okay? I'm really scared of ghosts 😭’.

 

“...”

“...”

Is this intentional flirting?

“...”

 

“Really? I thought he knew, but why pretend?” Frank said, laughing loudly as I stood beside him, smoking. “Who could forget someone so sweet? He’s so mean to my friend.”

 

"That's great, he has absolutely no pity for our friend. Show him some sympathy, North. I feel so sorry for him already."

 

"You guys are really good at prying," I said angrily, exhaling a puff of grey smoke. 

 

"Why would you do that?"

 

"Why are you so angry?"

 

"Go to hell."

 

All… My efforts have failed once again. I was living life as I did before going to Los Angeles. That is, making my life revolve around him, but with one added element: the college entrance exams. I wasn't sure which department to choose. Then my mom suggested I try applying to Medical School. When I got into Medical School, my mom was thrilled, so I decided to study there. I was too lazy to apply to other departments as well.

 

"You can do it, Johan."

 

"Yeah, but when I go to university, I won't be able to see him anymore." I think that after a while, I'll start to get used to it. If I stay in university, I probably will never see him again. No matter how many times I try to give up, I always end up back in the same place. No matter what happens, you're still the only one I want to be serious with. And I… I almost don't expect anything anymore. So… I stopped thinking about getting serious with anyone else.

 

When I went to college, I met a smart person named Hill, a kind person named Tonfah, and the rudest person in the world named Arthit. I continued acting as before, spending my days playing around without paying attention to anyone. Still trying to be charming and attractive, I dated other people because I felt bored. After that, I did what I intended; I never saw him again. And sometimes I think about him too. That feeling makes me feel better than the pain; I don't know why.

..….

 

(Johan, have you heard anything about him?) 

 

James's words from the other end of the phone made me raise my eyebrows. Both James and Frank went to the same university as me. James studied Engineering. Frank studied Political Science.

 

"How?"

 

(He received a scholarship to study in the US.)

 

"Really?"

 

(Oh, and today is also his last day at school.)

 

"Then why are you telling me this? I already told you I don't want to see him again."

 

(Yeah, I know, but it's been a long time since you last saw him. You really don't want to see him? He's about to move to the other side of the globe, you should at least see him and say goodbye.)

 

And when I realised that, I drove back to a place I hadn't been to in over a year. I barely knew anything about him. I didn't know if he still went to James's bar. But from what I saw on Instagram, he was still posting pictures, always with his girlfriend, who they'd been together since high school. From their fourth to sixth year.

 

He’s so lucky to have received a scholarship to study in America. If that's true, then from now on, we'll be even further apart than before. It's okay, it probably won't make much difference...

 

I walked into the school, where the final orientation ceremony was taking place. No flowers or gifts. I wanted to check whether he was okay, that's all. Would he be happy to have graduated? He’d received a scholarship and still loved him.

 

I was standing in the corner of the classroom during my senior year of high school, but I didn't see him. Usually, he’d be staying behind with his friends, wouldn't he?

 

════[changbins_delulu_wife]════

 

(>> North <<)

 

"North, I want you to understand that we're all adults now and need to choose better people for ourselves. We can't just simply date like before, do you understand?"

 

“…”

"You... Do you understand what I mean? We can't go on like this forever."

 

"Um, I understand." I sat at the marble table next to the building.

 

She's saying things I really don't want to hear.

She's about to break up with me…

 

"I really appreciate you, you do everything for us, but..."

 

"You've found someone else, haven't you?" I looked up and said to the other person. I remember there were tears streaming down her face, both her eyes and her words filled with guilt directed at me.

 

"Please smile, I'm sorry."

 

"It's alright. North understands." I tried to force a smile.

 

"Then, please understand that Temp will take care of me instead of you."

 

"Um... I understand. Good luck."

 

"You too. Goodbye," Jam said in a trembling voice.

 

I bowed my head and could only see the other person's feet walking away. Because everyone was busy organising the final orientation event, the place had become deserted. I looked at the bouquet beside me. Those were flowers meant to commemorate the joy of graduation, but now I accept letting go of what I once cherished.

 

I knew she no longer loved me after meeting that man, but I chose to ignore it and preserve my memories as best I could, as I usually do. Why? When my eyes started to sting, I immediately wiped away the tears. I shouldn't be crying on such a happy day. If I went back and met my friends in this situation, nobody would be happy anymore. We even have a date to celebrate tonight.

 

I felt like my heart was being squeezed violently. My hands, clasped tightly together, were numb; I didn't even have the strength to stand up. Why? Everything I had done was meaningless. Was it all so utterly meaningless? Was there no value left? How could I understand this? I was going crazy. I have nothing left. Damn it… Why is it like this?

════[changbins_delulu_wife]════

 

(>> Johan <<)

 

I realised he wasn't with his friends, so I went looking for him for a while until I found him sitting with a girl, and they seemed to be talking. After a while, she left, and the content of their conversation wasn't too hard to guess. I gazed at the scene before me, a whirlwind of emotions swirling within me. I'd once said I loved his smile and didn't want it to disappear. 

 

Why did that woman...?

His smile is very precious to me.

Why didn't she take care of him?

 

I sighed in disappointment. I didn't like seeing him cry, especially after he’d given everything to her. It seemed like she wasn't leaving for good; given her personality, she probably didn't want anyone to worry. She probably wouldn't see her friends until she processed her feelings.

 

I felt I needed to do something. I immediately dialled James's number. Waiting for him to receive the call.

 

(So, how did it go? Did you meet him yet?)

 

"James, he broke up with his girlfriend."

 

(Huh! How can that be?)

"His girlfriend suggested breaking up. What should I do?"

 

(But why did they break up? What happened?)

 

"What should I do? I don't want him to cry."

(Go comfort him.)

 

"Damn it, how am I supposed to comfort him?"

 

(Buy him something to make him happy, then stick a card with a message on it.)

 

"Where can I buy it?"

 

(Buy from one of the stalls nearby. Most people like to set up a few stalls around the end of the school year. But I don't know if they're still open now, it's getting a bit late.)

 

"Okay." I hung up and hurried to the stall as James had instructed. I found that all the stalls had already packed up, probably because it was late, but luckily I spotted one that was about to close.

 

"Don't close yet," I said. The shopkeeper turned around and looked at me with a confused expression.

 

"Oh, young man, what would you like to buy? But I'm sorry, my stall is completely sold out."

 

"Is there nothing left?" I asked. If it were all gone, there wouldn't be any stalls left, and I wouldn't have time to go somewhere else to buy it.

 

"Actually, there's one more item. Would you like to take a look?"

 

"Yes," I replied immediately. The woman disappeared into the stall, and when she emerged, she was carrying an ugly stuffed duck.

 

"What the hell is this? This damn duck?"

 

"So, are you going to buy it? If you do, I'll put it in the bag for you."

 

“Ah… Okay.” I let out a small sigh before taking the bag to put the duck in. Why did the first gift I bought have to be this?

 

"250 baht. Would you like to write a message?"

 

"Yes," I said before taking out my wallet. The shopkeeper turned around, got some paper and a pen. But when I opened my bag, I realised I didn't have any cash. "Do you accept card payments?"

 

"What kind of card? I'm not very familiar with those things."

 

"Damned…"

 

'Remember to bring some cash, Johan. Not all shops accept cards.' Hill's words echoed in my head. At the time, I never imagined I would be buying things at shops that didn't accept cards like this.

 

I sighed in annoyance. I took off my watch on my left wrist and offered it to her. The woman accepted it with a puzzled expression.

 

"I don't have any cash. Can I exchange this for something else?"

 

"Wait a minute, boy, I can't accept something this expensive," the woman exclaimed, followed by a loud voice from behind her, but I didn't pay much attention.

 

Back at school, I wrote on the card and gave it to another student to give to him.

════[changbins_delulu_wife]════

 

(>> North <<)

 

"Your name is North, right? Someone wants to give you this."

 

I looked up when someone called my name. It was a boy in a school uniform just like mine. But I didn't know him; he was holding a… stuffed duck? He gave it to me. He didn't seem to know much, but I accepted it.

 

"Thanks. Who gave it to you?"

 

"I don't know, they just told me to give it to you." That's all he said before leaving. I looked at the duck in my hand, bewildered. A duck…?

 

It's a duck, right? But why does it look like a pig? And what's with those rosy cheeks? I chuckled at its funny face. There was a note attached that read: 'Please smile :)'

 

A smile appeared on my face when I saw the message on the paper. The person who left this must be very kind. Then the sadness in my heart lessened a little. I felt like someone was waiting for my smile. At least, it was the owner of this silly duck. 

 

I took a deep breath. It took me a while to process my emotions. I decided to throw the bouquet I'd bought away; perhaps it wasn't necessary anymore. Then, I walked back to my friend, carrying the gift.

 

"Hey, North, what's up?"

 

"Oh, I got dumped," I replied calmly, but my friends were surprised. "What are you guys surprised about? What's so surprising? I knew she'd been seeing someone else for a while."

 

"It's because of your calm demeanour."

 

"Oh, it's okay, look at this. Don't you think it's cute?" I opened the gift to show my friends. Both Tae and Ball burst out laughing.

 

"It's adorable, but why does it have such an ugly face? Did someone give it to you?"

 

"Yeah, there's a letter too," I said, picking up the piece of paper. I'd posted it online along with the duck, "Cute, right?"

 

"Yeah, I bet you'll love it. And the handwriting is beautiful," Tae said. "Maybe it's from someone who likes you."

 

"I don't think so." I shook my head slightly as a sign of denial. But I also want to know who gave me this gift?

 

I went looking for the person who had been asked to give it to me. I kept asking, but all I got was that the person wasn't a student at the school and had already gone home.

 

"So you still couldn't find it?"

 

"Um, I really want to thank that person," I said sadly. It was very lively now, and people were gradually dispersing. We had a celebratory dinner with the people from Room A, so we'd have to go to a restaurant next.

 

I took out my phone and clicked on Instagram. I looked at Instagram and saw only my photos. I decided to delete all the other photos and post the silly duck along with the greeting card as my only Instagram picture.

 

"I'm laughing now :) Thank you, #OwnerOfStupidDuck

 

It doesn't matter who it is, but I'm very grateful to them. So I'll keep this silly duck and that card carefully. I really like it. I even took a picture and set it as my profile picture on LINE. And I still smile every time I see it.

 

════[changbins_delulu_wife]════

 

(>> Johan <<)

 

I looked at my phone screen, at the Instagram page I hadn't checked in a long time. There used to be a hundred photos in total, but now the account owner has deleted them all. Only one photo remained: the one I posted with the card I sent him.

 

"I'm laughing now :) Thank you, #OwnerOfStupidDuck

 

I used to think I had nothing to do with that person. But I had to go back a long way to get there. At first, I just thought I didn't want him to cry, but when I saw him, I realised that nothing has changed. I haven't changed since the first day I realised I had fallen in love with that smile….

 

I returned to the pub near the university around 8:00 PM. Too lazy to call my friends to join me, I let myself wallow in my emotions. The taste and burning sensation of the alcohol ran down my throat. I don't know how many glasses I'd drunk with a cigarette in my hand; I inhaled and exhaled the smoke. It took me a while to get back to drinking, but once I started smoking, my consciousness began to fade.

 

He broke up with his girlfriend, but instead he’ll move far away. Why do our timelines never align?

 

When I heard the phone ring, I put out my cigarette in the ashtray. I picked up the phone and looked at it.

 

There's a call coming in: Hill.

 

"Go ahead and speak."

 

(Jo, you left your MacBook here. Do you need me to bring it back? Or should I just leave it here?)

 

"Anyhow."

(Where are you? Why is it so noisy?)

 

"Pub."

Are you drunk?

 

"YES."

(Are you there alone?)

 

"YES."

(Are you drunk alone? Are you okay?)

 

"No, I'm not okay, Hill."

(I'll come find you. Where are you?)

 

"It's already midnight."

(Okay, I'll be there. Do you need me to call Fah and Thit?)

 

"It's up to you."

(Okay.)

 

Then Hill hung up the phone; Hill is a really kind person. In this condition, I probably couldn't drive there. A little while later, Hill arrived and sat in the front seat, frowning in confusion about what was happening.

 

"What happened? Why are you so drunk?"

 

“I don’t know, Hill. I don’t understand either,” I said before taking a sip of wine, then picking up a cigarette with my other hand, putting it in my mouth, and lighting it.

 

"You're too drunk."

 

"Why, Hill? Why...?"

 

"I don't know. Please calm down."

 

“I absolutely don’t like myself like this. I don’t like this feeling at all.” I started saying nonsense, cursing angrily. The person opposite me looked worriedly at me. If it were James or Frank, they would understand me in this situation, but I hadn’t told Hill or the other two about him.

 

"Oh, Fah's a bit busy, he couldn't come. But he said if you need any help, just call him. And Thit's racing, he'll come when he's done. Let me order some more drinks."

 

"Why bother calling? There are already plenty of tables over there," I said.

 

"You drank all of that by yourself, and you were smoking too?"

 

"Do you need any?" I asked before handing Hill a pack of cigarettes. Hill took them and smoked one, but he didn't touch the alcohol.

 

"I've never seen you like this before," Hill said.

 

"Ha, that looks strange. It's been a while since I've been like this either," I said, exhaling another puff of grey smoke.

 

"Huh?"

 

"Have you ever loved someone deeply but been unable to be with them?"

 

“…”

"Giving everything unconditionally just to see them smile..."

 

“…”

"But why… Why can't I make him stay with me?"

 

“Johan… that bastard.” Hill fell silent, listening to my rambling thoughts for a moment before sighing, “If I said I did, would you believe me?”

 

"Really? Someone like you, who doesn't care about anyone?" I asked, raising my eyebrows in surprise.

 

“People have a lot of secrets, so if you can, you can tell me,” Hill said. And in my drunken state, I told Hill everything about him. The person sitting opposite listened carefully, “I can’t believe someone like you has those feelings. Is that why you said you didn’t want to be in a serious relationship with anyone?”

 

"That's probably true, if it weren't for the fact that... I really don't need anyone..."

 

“Um… I understand.” Hill nodded slightly. Hill is a man of few words, and I’m pretty much the same. In short, the patience and the pained look I saw in his eyes were not a lie.

 

“Now it’s your turn,” I said, handing him a glass of liquor. Hill hesitated for a moment before sighing. He took a few shots of strong liquor and began to tell me his story.

 

“Is his name Easter?” I asked, leaning back on the sofa and closing my eyes. My headache had gone. “Easter means Easter, right? Sounds nice. North means this northern region.”

 

“Okay, that’s all. So North is going to study in America?” Hill asked, squinting slightly from drunkenness. Hill sounded stiff, “It’s a shame he’s single now.”

 

"Actually, it's just a scholarship to go to America. I think I'll definitely be flying back and forth to America often to see him, whether he has a boyfriend there or not."

 

"That's heartbreaking."

 

"And you're the one who's disliked, huh?" I said.

 

"Yeah, probably. I wouldn't be surprised if he hated me."

 

“Things didn’t go as I expected, Hill,” I said, raising my glass. I clinked glasses with the person opposite me, “We’re both in a terrible situation.”

 

"So what are you planning to do, Johan?"

 

“I don’t know, let’s just leave it like that. I can’t follow him to America. I’ll die if I drop out of school,” I said before raising my glass of wine and drinking, “Or maybe I should invest some capital?”

 

"Are you crazy?"

 

"That's just talk. Who would actually do it?" I said. "I'm serious, I've waited a long time, but I can't give up on him yet. How could I give up now?"

 

"There's no way, Johan. I can't forget either; I just keep going back to the same old place. What about you, Johan?"

 

"Yeah." That's all, I replied. I had another glass; the unpleasant feeling hadn't completely gone away, but it was better. And I think I'll continue to feel that way.

 

I asked Hill about Easter, and Hill asked me about North, both in a drunken state, almost completely out of control. I saw a picture of that person on Hill's phone.

 

"That's cute."

 

"Yeah, your boyfriend is cute too," Hill said before handing the phone back to me, looking just as drunk as I was. "His name is North, right?"

 

"Hey, Hill."

 

"Huh."

 

"Tomorrow, can you pretend you've forgotten everything that happened today, including what I told you?"

"Why?"

"Because I don't want to think about it anymore either."

"Hmm..."

 

Thit looked at his two friends in their drunken state, unable to hide his confusion. Hill had called to say that Johan had come to drink alone and had seemed unwell from the moment he arrived.

 

"Damn, I'll be right here after the race is over."

What kind of drunkenness is this, to the point of no longer being human? And this table… Why are there so many empty wine bottles?! Did these two drink together?

 

"Fah, come here and help me. They're both completely drunk."

(They're both drunk? I told Hill to come look after Johan, but how did they both end up drunk?)

 

"I don't know, but Johan and Hill are definitely both completely drunk, their heads slumped down here. You wouldn't believe it, I don't know how much they drank to get this drunk."

(Oh my god… I bet the pub is really out of alcohol today. I’ll be right there, wait for me, and don’t drink anything.)

 

"Yes, I know."

 

Thit hung up the phone and sighed. Instead of celebrating his victory after the race, he had to go collect the "bodies" of these two guys. Then the names "Ter" and "North" came from the mouths of the two drunk men. Who were "Ter" and "North" anyway?

Tonfah rushed to the pub after receiving Arthit's call. He walked in and looked at his two friends lying unconscious and drunk with a worried expression. Johan was the stubborn type, only willing to smoke and drink at the same time. Hill was no different. Tonfah realised that the amount of alcohol on the table wasn't actually that much; the waiter had probably cleared the table several times already.

 

"Are you planning to take them home? Have you paid them yet?" Tonfah asked.

"I've already paid. Take Hill home," Arthit replied. Before Fah arrived, Arthit had already paid and was surprised by the amount on the bill. Nearly 40,000 baht! Damn, these two always choose expensive drinks.

 

Arthit helped Johan up from the table, while Fah assisted Hill. The four of them went their separate ways. The next day, Johan woke up on the sofa in his room with no memory of what had happened, but Hill still remembered North. Tonfah made them both get tested for any illnesses that might have been caused by excessive drinking.

As for that week… I’ve forgotten the names Ter and North.

 

════[changbins_delulu_wife]════

 

(>> North <<)

 

I decided to turn down the scholarship to study in the US at the last minute. Initially, I thought I'd try because I wasn't a top student, so it would require a lot of effort. Just like before the scholarship exam, I felt the same pressure, but in the end, I didn't go because I was worried about my mother. Maybe I can go after I finish my bachelor's degree.

 

Initially, I was accepted into the Engineering department in the first round of admissions. I remember being rejected because someone wanted to become a doctor, and she told me they chose those with a better future. I understood that "a future" meant a stable job, and becoming a doctor was the answer to that.

 

I initially gave up my chance to join the Engineering department to take the scholarship exam to study in the US, but after the exam, I hesitated and finally understood. What about my mother? Wouldn't she be very worried if I went? Perhaps now wasn't the right time. So, I decided to give up the scholarship and reapply for the Engineering department in the final admission round.

 

After passing the final entrance exam, it was truly my last chance, and everything happened very quickly. School was about to start, and I didn't have time to find a dorm room. Tae and Ball already had rooms, so I was forced to find any available room and move in alone.

 

Luckily, the dormitory arranged a roommate for me. Many of the other students were from different provinces and couldn't afford the rent, so they needed someone to share the cost. Eventually, I ended up sharing a room with Ter, who was also from another province. Although I was originally from this area, I didn't live here.

 

Before the first school year began, Ter told me about the doctor and his story with him. After listening, I tried to offer advice and encouragement. Ter's story with the doctor was complicated, and I knew he hadn't told me everything. But I didn't ask any more questions because it was his right to decide how much he wanted me to know.

 

It wasn't until I started to understand things better that I realised the doctor was actually a very good person and loved Ter very much. So, I gradually came to support him, but then the day I saw Jam and Temp publicly dating, it confused me again.

 

"Why are you standing there like a statue? Be careful not to catch a cold," I said when I saw Ter standing motionless on the balcony. He looked a little surprised; how could he be so absent-minded?

"Why is it suddenly so cold? Is it because we're near the mountains?" Ter asked.

"That's possible."

 

"How come the people here know absolutely nothing?" Ter replied.

"My house isn't near the mountains," I said. 

 

"Ter, close the window, I'm cold."

Ter closed the door and went back to his room.

"What are you doing?" Ter asked.

"I'm cleaning the room," I replied.

"The room is clean now."

"Then wipe it again."

 

Ter sighed softly at my answer. Because if he sat still, he would just keep thinking and reminiscing about the past. So I got up and started tidying the room, even though it was already clean. It seemed that, since Ter's doctor had disappeared, he had been acting very sad and gloomy over the past few days.

 

"Aren't you going to work at the student council?" I asked when I saw him looking so dazed before the semester started. Ter worked at the student council, which is how he met his doctor.

 

"They said they've taken enough photos, no need for more," Ter replied, looking distracted again. Perhaps he had too many thoughts running through his head.

 

"You don't look very well," I said.

"Well, to be honest, I'm not okay either."

"No sign of the moon from the medical department?" I teased, wondering why he was so downcast. Ter chuckled softly. Just a small joke, and he blushed shyly.

"That's right, it's been two days already."

 

After that, Ter and I chatted for a while before he went to take a shower. I was sitting in the room when I heard a very loud knocking on the door.

"Come out here right now!" I shouted, then stood up and opened the door.

 

Standing before me was a stranger, someone I didn't recognise. I stared at him, bewildered, and he looked back at me but said nothing, seemingly surprised that I had opened the door.

"Oh... who are you looking for?"

 

════[changbins_delulu_wife]════

 

(>> Johan <<)

 

It's been two days since Hill disappeared. Actually, his disappearance isn't the biggest problem, but what's worrying is what's happening at his house. I went to Hill's apartment to look for him, but he wasn't there, and his car was nowhere to be seen. I called him but couldn't get through.

 

Oh Hill, Hill… His kid is so worried about him. Does he even know that? That kid has been calling him non-stop from morning till night. Then, suddenly, the number I hadn't been able to reach for almost two days finally called back. I raised my eyebrows in surprise at the call and quickly answered. But before I could say anything, the person on the other end spoke first.

 

(Johan, I need your help.)

"Damn it, you called me just to say that?"

(Please go pick up Ter for me, I can't drive.)

 

"Don't you think I have something I want to tell you? You're making everyone worried!"

(Thanks in advance, but can you help me out?)

"What if I say no?"

(You should help, and good things will happen to you.)

"What's going on?"

(Trust me. Go pick up Ter.)

"Alright."

 

Why do I have to do all this? I drove and parked under the building at the location Hill sent. Then, I went to the room number he mentioned, stopped in front of the door with a tired expression, and knocked.

 

"Coming right out." A voice answered from inside, and then the door opened…

North…!?

Why is he here?

"Oh... who are you looking for?"

"Is Ter here?" I asked.

"Oh yes, he is, he's taking a shower. I'll go call Ter for you." The person said, then turned and went inside, "You can wait inside."

"No, just call him out," I replied, and waited outside the door instead of going inside.

 

Why are you here? Isn't he supposed to be studying in America? Your presence here means you're studying here. Furthermore, you're sharing a room with Ter. Damn, what is this feeling?

 

“Johan!” I heard Ter call out loudly, “Why are you laughing like that?”

"Nothing," I replied, straightening up after leaning against the wall. "I just thought of something. Let's go."

 

════[changbins_delulu_wife]════

 

“Have you made up your mind?” Hill asked, repeating the question he’d asked me countless times, “Are you going to stop seeing other people?”

 

Things are going well between Hill and Ter, and I've decided to end my superficial relationships with others. I want to seriously pursue him, the one I thought would have travelled halfway around the world but ultimately stayed here.

 

"Finally, I have an opportunity," I said. "This is the opportunity I've been longing for for the past three years."

"But are you sure? Why don't you start now?" Hill asked.

“You know, I’m often stressed out with work, and I don’t want to worry him. I don’t have much free time either.” That’s true, because my work has been getting more and more stressful lately. So, I’ve decided not to approach him right now. Hill, please look after him for me.”

"I know. But you don't need to worry about the money; I can manage on my own," Hill said, returning the black card I had given him.

 

"Take this and use it to take care of my future boyfriend. Right now, I need someone to look after and pay attention to him."

"Okay, if that's what you want. But when will your work be finished?"

“After returning from Boston.” I thought, as planned, I would continue working until the big event in Boston was over. Then, things would get easier. “Hill, I need your help. Just let me know if you need anything.”

 

Okay, I understand.

"Take a picture of him and send it to me, too."

"I know."

.....

 

One night, while I was working in my apartment, I suddenly received a call from Hill.

(Johan, are you free?)

"I'm not free."

(Something happened at the pub with North.)

 

"What!?"

(he went out drinking, got drunk, and then got into an argument with… well, probably his ex-girlfriend's new boyfriend.)

 

“…”

(I saw them fighting quite loudly. Besides the restaurant demanding compensation, this kind of thing will definitely reach the school. There's a chance he’ll be expelled or have to suspend his studies. But if you're not free, let me go.)

 

"I'm going."

(...)

"Which pub is he at?"