Love Mechanics

Chapter 25. For What?

 

[Vee Vivis]

 

I stand there looking like an idiot amidst the gossiping crowd, though I'm not bothered to comprehend what's being said. My eyes are still looking at the broad back that's walking away. I feel numb, and my mouth is trembling. This is the second time that Mark has turned his back on me. And this is the first time that he's turned his back on my feelings.

 

"Let's go." Yeewa walks over to shake my arm. I turn and make a stupid face at my friend. I don't know what's going on at the moment. It's as if I have no energy to do anything. My friend drags me along, and I just go along. I've no idea what people around me are saying. Strange gazes are directed at me, as if disapproving of my actions, though I don't bother.

 

"Hey..." I stop in my tracks and turn to Yeewa, who makes a confused face before stopping as well.

 

"What? Keep on walking. You want your fan club to come and hit you on the head?" The pretty one beside me says sternly, though it doesn't make me afraid.

 

"Mark...walked away from me again," I say to Yeewa softly, with as much strength as I can muster. Each time I move my mouth, it's as if I'm about to die. I can barely move my lips, not because I'm tired from confessing my love to Mark, but because I'm more concerned about the lump of meat that's squeezing tight in my chest more than my body. Seeing him walk away after hearing my confession tears my heart apart.

 

"That's P'Vee over there."

"Yeah...so he's seeing Mark?"

 

"Who the hell's Mark? Why does he dare walk away from P'Vee?"

 

"P'Vee's gay?"

"Man...breaking up with Ploy to date a guy."

 

"Hey...let's get outta here first." Yeewa seems uninterested in what I say, but once the petite girl looks behind her, she drags me into the car. I'm not bothered by what those people say about me, nor do I ask where Kla or the other friends are. I simply step into the car.

 

I like riding in Yeewa's car because I used to sit in it with Mark. The passenger's seat beside the driver was where Mark was sitting, and that was the first time we revealed our status to another person. He was bashful at the time. He admitted that he felt shy when I showed our státus to Yeewa. But is it different this time? Why does he walk away from me, even though I confessed my love to him in front of so many people?

 

The question I ask is born out of idiocy. And I won't object to how stupid 1 am for allowing such a good person like Mark to walk away. I didn't even follow him, nor grab hold of his hand. I didn't dare to... because those pair of eyes that looked towards me conveyed so many feelings: pain, happiness, surprise, concern, and many other things. But there was just one feeling that I couldn't sense from him at the time. It's the feeling that he's been giving me all this time. I couldn't sense his love for me anymore. Perhaps he hid it well, or he no longer feels it.

 

"Yeewa.." I call out to the one looking out at the road. She makes a turn into the alley where my house is, before letting out a soft sigh.

 

"How are you feeling?" She asks as she parks the car.

"Hurt..."

 

"So what're you gonna do next?" She turns to query me further. The pretty face that's full of make-up turns to me, her sharp eyes looking at me as if to search for what my real answer is.

 

"I'll get him for this." I veer my face away from Yeewa and set my eyes straight ahead. The alley in my neighbourhood is a familiar one, and I can easily navigate it in the darkness.

 

"Vee...you mean you'll get back at him!?" The surprised voice utters out, though I don't pay attention, still gazing ahead and thinking of the face of the one I'm familiar with.

 

"I'll get him back to me."

 

I don't want to waste time thinking or coming up with a plan for what to do next. Right now, my feelings tell me what to do. I want him back. That lad I've mistreated, the one I've chided, the one who consoled me, and the one who teased me and stayed with me when I had no one else. That kid whom I love...

 

I get out of the car upon telling Yeewa those things. My pretty friend tells me to take some rest before turning her car back. Every step seems laborious. The stairs I go up are longer than before. Even in my house, all I can see is his face....

 

I can still remember the first day we met. The first day that I hurt Mark in this room. I wanted to teach him a lesson, but things got out of hand. Both our actions and feelings developed further until we became intimate. It may be true that Mark developed feelings for me first. He was hurt and tormented to wait for me, I know, but it doesn't mean that the one who developed feelings afterwards would not feel anything.

 

The love he showed me, the pain he endured, the torment he suffered —I now understand. Everything that I did to him has come back to haunt me.

 

I pass the night in suffering. Every time I close my eyes, the story of Mark and me appears. I think of his face even upon opening my eyes and looking up at the ceiling. I think of the times we spent in this room, the words he spoke to me, and the time he said that he'll wait for me.

 

"Aren't you going to class?" Yoo opens the door to ask me.

"I'm going," I answer slowly, as I sit myself up.

 

"Why are you going, man?" He walks in and sits beside me.

 

"The hell's with you, Yoo?" From not being able to sleep last night to the things that have accumulated all day, the last thing I need now is for my brother to mess with me since morning.

 

"You didn't check your phone at all?" He raises his brows and asks me. I look back at him, confused. "Take this." He hands me the phone, with the screen already showing.

 

Dew dely. 

3 hrs

Late-night breaking news! After hearing the news, I've put together this summary for you. The hot issue at Sam is that 'Vee's new love is a guy~ Oh my heart, it's beating so hard. After prying through the evidence, it's confirmed that it's this guy for sure. And if that's not enough, our P'Vee confessed his love to him, only for him to walk away~ Be it the male love aspect, the two-timing, and the rejection, it's interesting to know how P'Vee will respond to this. Is it true, P'Vee? Please come out to clarify!

10,933 likes 8,735 comments 847 shared

 

luy piwy: And I thought Ploy was at fault. He ends up liking guys!

Ka pook: He likes guys?

Orachon OP: So bad. Cheating on her with a guy?

Oneal real: Why do such a thing, P'Vee!?

Our days and nights: Does that guy think he's all that? Walking away from P'Vee

Dara rin: He deserves it. Though he's handsome, this behaviour makes him undesirable.

U HFG: P'Vee and P'Ploy were a better match.

Lill Ly: I was there. Even my own face got numb~

Sweet Marawara: Serves him right. He dumps Ploy and then gets dumped himself.

Lolar Eve: I've been following P'Vee's news. Didn't think much of them at first, but recently they're always spotted together. Thought they were just senior-junior, but then Oh! It's more than that.

Pork not sweet but delicious: This ain't okay. What P'Vee's done is really not okay.

 

I let out a sigh after I finished reading. I hand over the phone to my brother and look down at the floor. I'm thinking of what had transpired. I've just come to understand the true meaning of public right now. No one cares. They just make up stories based on what they see. It's fine, since I'm not the type to care much about what others think. But I'm thinking of one person whom I care about.

 

"I wanna talk to Mark." I look up at my brother.

"It's hard, I'm tellin' ya.." He replies.

 

"Yoo. What should I do?"

 

"You made him suffer a lot." I know...the suffering I'm feeling at the moment is not as much as how much Mark has suffered because of me. But if we still love each other, if we still have good feelings for one another, then why do we have to make the other suffer?

 

"Do I have a chance at getting him back, Yoo?" If Mark still loves me, will he still give me a chance? Will we still have good feelings for each other and love one another?

 

"Chances aren't like air, Vee. So far, you've treated him like the air you breathe, going to see him wherever and, importantly...invisible." I look up at my brother once more, thinking about his words, before using my hand to brush my hair up.

 

"But the reason I'm living these days is because of the air."

"But up to now, you haven't given it the value it deserves."

 

I stand in front of Mark's room, holding a box of Hainanese chicken rice from the store he frequents. I lean my back against the door to wait for the one inside to open it, by which I have no idea when that will be.

 

Mark usually doesn't have breakfast in his room. He always goes out to eat on campus. He told me he sucks at cooking, and while he knows how to make some dishes, he's too lazy to shop for groceries. Most of the food in his room is dried and frozen. As I've grown up eating my mom's fresh cooking every day, I tell him to stop eating that kind of food. Hence, he goes out to have breakfast at the faculty on campus.

 

"You can see me off after I finish classes.." The bright voice trails off as soon as its owner locks eyes with mine. The speaker is the guy named Pac, the same person who dragged Mark away from right under my nose. It's been several days already, but why's he still here?

 

"I was thinking of seeing you off." I don't have a chance to say anything yet when a guy inside comes out wearing a neat student uniform, along with the bag he's always used. He stops upon seeing me; his oval eyes look at me calmly before he looks down at my hand.

 

"|"

 

"How about seeing me off right now?" The guy named Pac interjects before I can finish my sentence. His pretty face looks towards Mark as he moves over to embrace the tall one's arm.

 

"I was just about to say that. If you go now, you won't get back home too late." Mark lowers himself to speak to Pac. His mouth unfurls a little smile, like he used to smile at me. The smile.. that I haven't seen in a long while.

 

"But it seems you have company, Mark," Pac says, and looks at me.

 

"I didn't make an appointment with anyone today," Mark says, as he looks at my face. The eyes that look at me make my breath stop for a split second.

 

"Just..just bringing you some food." I swallow my sticky saliva into my throat and force a hoarse voice out. Mark looks down at my hand as I hand over the rice to him.

 

"I can buy it myself." The younger one says tersely. He turns around and locks the door before squeezing by me and walking away with the one he said was important.

 

I look on after those two, before I slowly follow them. I don't know why my feet choose to make the steps, even though my mind doesn't want to see that image. My mouth wants to shout at Mark to stop what he's doing, but deep down, I know I've got no right to do so. For now, it's good just to be able to follow him.

 

"I wanna come see you again. Will that be okay?" I hear the little guy beside him ask. The bright smile I see on Pac's side would make many others smile along. So this is your type, Mark?

 

"Give me a call. I'll go pick you up." The kid's word of acceptance delights the one next to him. I remain in place as he opens the car door and slips inside. The luxury car passes by at a steady speed. The dark film on the windows prevents me from seeing what's going on inside, and I won't be able to bike after them.

 

I turn back towards the direction I came from. I press the elevator and go back to the room I'd just left. I hang the box of rice on the doorknob. He might return around noon or in the evening, though hopefully not the next day. Whether he throws it away or eats it, that's up to him as long as I can give it to him, to do something that I've never done for him before. I take out a Post-it note and jot down one word. I stick it onto the door and smile at it. If I've been treating him like he's invisible, then he'll be the most visible person to me from now on. If I used to treat him in a worthless manner, then I'll make him realise that he's the most valuable person to me.

 

I come to campus after leaving Mark's dormitory. Instead of going to my classroom, I head towards the freshman's classroom building. I know when and where he has class, because I used to study the same classes as he does.

 

"What are you doing here, P'Vee?" 

 

Fortunately, Mark's friends don't hate me. I once asked them why they weren't angry on their friend's behalf, and the answer I got was that they knew their friend wasn't just mad at me, so they couldn't merely replace all of Mark's frustrations for themselves, since I'm their senior, after all. I forced out a smile upon hearing Fuse's words that day. It's the truth...Mark isn't just mad at me. He probably hates me by now.

 

"I'm here...to see Pam," I tell him, although I know fully well who I'm looking for. The kid at the back of the classroom looks up at me a bit before looking down to fiddle with his phone as before.

 

"If you're here for Pam, then look for Pam, P'Vee." The young girl who's one of my junior lines, points out. The sweet smile pasted on her face is no different from Yeewa's when she sees Tossakan together with Bar.

 

"I brought you some goodies." I hand over the sweets to Pam.

"For me?"

 

"Yeah..."

"Very smooth." I turn to see Kamphan standing beside me.

 

"I think this is déjà vu, man," Fuse says.

 

"It's like that time when he made an excuse to come over to see a certain someone." Kamphan continues, before unfurling a devilish smile.

 

"..."

 

"You wanna just walk over there, P''? Come together with me then, he surely won't dare do anything to you."

 

Kamphan suggests and leads the way, though I just look on. I don't know how Mark is feeling right now. I'm curious whether his calm eyes and emotionless behaviour are genuine or simply an act. Although at times Mark looks at me differently, I know I shouldn't get too close and make him feel uncomfortable.

 

I send a thin smile to the one up above. Several freshmen let out soft shrieks, while some guys boo me. I hear some curse words as well, but never mind...as long as that kid doesn't curse at me.

 

"What do you want from my friend?" I stop walking and turn back to look at Fuse upon hearing his question. It seems like a confrontational question, though the eyes that look at me express genuine concern.

 

"Why?"

 

"Not being angry at you doesn't mean I don't care about him. Besides, if you're going to make things worse, I think you'd better not do anything." Fuse answers.

 

"I want him back..."I lock eyes with my junior and reply.

 

"What makes you think he'll make up with you, after all you've done to him?" Fuse looks at me as if I've said something incredible. I flash a little smile and pat the shoulder of the faculty's current Prom King.

 

"I'm not confident or anything. But I'm doing it..it's from my feelings. I want him back, and I'll do anything to get him back." I answer my junior, who sighs before slowly twisting his body away from mine.

 

"It won't be easy, I'm telling you."

 

"I know...I've made things complicated from the beginning." I reply with a shrug.

 

"Although it's gonna be difficult, I'm leaning a bit on your side." Fuse makes a cute face and tells me.

 

"Would that be called betraying your friends?"

"I promise...that if I can get him back, your friend will be happy."

 

I keep making excuses to see Mark every day. At least I can see his face, which is better than nothing. Occasionally, he glances my way, but we never talk. I just want to see his face, bring him food, or pick up some goodies for him. But that's all I can do, because those things end up with either Fuse or Kamphan. The one I intend to give them to doesn't care for them, though I'm not bothered by that, since this is enough for me.

 

"Do you think I should put in more fish sauce?" I turn to ask my mother, who's not far from the kitchen. My pretty woman walks over to taste my Pad Thai and nods.

 

"The taste is still a bit off." She says, before squeezing herself in. She handles the spices, adds them, and stirs once more.

 

"You ain't a good cook, but why choose such a complicated dish?" Yoo chides me softly, though I hear him. I turn back to scowl at him, before paying attention to Mom again.

"Hasn't your little brother always been like this?"

 

"Dad!" As if Yoo saying it isn't enough, my father has to emphasise it as well, making me feel upset. You like to kick others when they're down, huh. It's no different from me.

 

"Don't say such things to our son. What if he doesn't share any of it with you?"

 

"That's fine for me, dear. I've never dreamt of having him cook for me. Just let him cook it to make up with his wife." My ears heat up upon hearing my dad's last sentence. Yoo rolls his eyes while Mom smiles teasingly.

 

"Is it ready yet, Mom? It's gonna burn." I turn my attention back to the frying pan. They should stop talking about making up with my wife, as it's probably going to take a while before I can call that fella my wife.

 

I carry the box of Pad Thai up to Mark's dorm. I know this is his favourite menu because whenever he can choose, he'll always choose Pad Thai. Today is Saturday, and I have no schedule. Getting up early to make something for our loved ones is a good idea for me.

 

I walk out of the elevator with a small smile painted across my face. I don't expect Mark to accept it, as he's never taken back any of my gifts. I'm happy just to be able to do such things for him. As long as I can make him feel my presence around him, I'm content.

 

I turn towards the same room I've frequented in the past. It's been a long while since I've entered that room. I'm restricted to standing in front of its door, wanting to step inside, though I can only look on.

 

"Oh!" I haven't rung the doorbell or knocked yet, but the person inside will open the door. He's not the one I'm here to see, though, but rather a cute and small guy whose face I'm not familiar with.

 

"Is anything the matter, P'Nook?" The deep, raspy voice from inside draws my attention to its owner. Mark is half-naked, with a towel wrapped around his waist. He comes out, while the small guy called Nook smiles sheepishly to Mark, before turning to me.

 

"It's...P'Vee.." I'm not surprised that someone I don't know calls out my name, but I'm amazed by why they're together.

"It's nothing. He doesn't know what he's supposed to do." Mark turns and says to Nook. The tall guy pays me no attention whatsoever.

 

"l"

 

"Would you like me to see you off downstairs, P'Nook? But wait for me to put on my clothes first." Mark interjects, preventing me from completing my sentence. He doesn't care about me and behaves as if what I'm doing has no meaning. His words indicate that what I'm doing nowadays is useless.

 

"It's okay. You must be so tired from last night." The small guy says, his gaze veering to avoid Mark's. The bright cheeks blush, making me think along with his words.

 

"You had it rough, too, though, right?" I unwittingly grip onto the Pad Thai box, making a sound. His words are one thing, but the way he says it makes me skip a breath. The slender hand I like to hold is placed on the smaller guy's head. He slightly leans his handsome face towards him, unfurling a smile at the corner of his mouth after speaking. This behaviour is not from the Mark whom I know.

 

"I have something to talk to you about." 

 

They both turn their attention back to me. Mark raises his brows, while the guy called Nook turns to me and smiles.

 

"I'll be off, then." Nook turns and says to Mark. The tall one nods before giving him a thin smile.

 

"See you again," Mark says, before Nook walks away. As the little guy passes me, he looks up at me and sniggers mockingly.

 

"Is there anything?" I come back to my senses upon Mark's utterance, which brings my focus back to him rather than that dumbass' mocking smile.

 

Mark stands in front of the door. He hasn't put any clothes on yet, and it seems he's not interested in doing so. That's the reason my attention turns to the scratches on his chest. Anger, or fury, or something, can be used to describe the heat which sears my heart at the moment, a heat which has also gathered on my face. I look up at him, though he simply looks back with an irritable calmness as usual.

 

"What have you done?" I control my voice so it doesn't tremble —not to be aggressive or confrontational —but I probably can't help it.

 

"What did I do?"

 

"You and him..." I say slowly, while Mark raises his brows and shifts his body a bit.

 

"Oh...we slept together last night."

Thump!

 

The Pad Thai box, packed with care, is dropped by my side. I don't bother looking down at it or picking it back up. I can't even move my arms or legs right now. My body feels numb, and my face is shaking, as if it's been slapped ten times. I take half a step back and lock eyes with the one who's still looking at me with a calm demeanour.

 

"You..."

 

"Is there anything, P? If not, then I'll go back to sleep. I couldn't get much sleep last night." How many nerves must he have? How much anger or hatred must he have towards me to be able to say such things? Does he want to get back at me or something? Why does he look at me in such a manner like that? Doesn't he remember that we once loved each other?

 

"Mark..."

 

"Hmm?" The voice comes out from his throat, making my already weak voice fade back into my throat. I slowly look at the one in front of me. Though it's difficult, I force out a smile. Though my feet feel heavy, I take a step forward.

 

"You don't have to forgive me. But can you stop tormenting me any further, Mark...?"