Love Mechanics

Chapter 24. Longing.

 

[Mark Masa]

 

In the end, I gave in to P'Pac. Last time, he asked me to come to my campus; this time, he told me to go to this place, a place I don't want to remember.

The pub that's the meeting place with my seniors is the place I'm about to enter. 

 

Beside me is P'Pac, who seems delighted to be able to come here. Many pairs of eyes look towards us, but mostly at the guy beside me. The aura of the one who's familiar with pubs really shines through.

 

"Do you have a lot of senior friends?" P'Pac leans over to ask me, even though we're still walking, and the cute guy next to me isn't bothered by the eyes fixed on him. It's something I cannot fault him for.

 

"Didn't you come here because you wanted to know about that? I don't know why you even wanted to follow me here in the first place." I said to him. 

 

"Hey, don't chide me. You've probably been wanting to come here too, but had no one to come with." P'Pac suggests, and sends me a smile.

 

"Who's been wanting to come? Not me."

 

"Who's been wanting to come? Well... guess you've never wanted to come because you've never wanted to leave such a place." 

 

I immediately turn to glare at the elder one's pretty face. My mouth is agape as if I want to say something, though I don't say anything in the end.

 

The hell!? This is not how I want things to be, but things are beyond my control now. It's not that I like my mind to be easy like this. I've been trying to lay low and forget about that guy, but then just glimpsing at his face makes all the things we've done together gradually come to light. I can hear the soft voice of every promise and every word that conveys his feelings to me. These sounds linger in my head, as if I've never been mad at him.

 

My efforts to stand still and not look at his face ended as soon as I heard those words. The words that are like a promise between P'Vee and me. The words "So why are you going?" will echo in my ears. Just those words from him made me unable to do anything for the whole day. I understand. Sometimes I want to be like you, Mark, who does things according to your feelings. But I'm..."

"If you've got nothing to lose, it'll make your decision easier," I reply to P'Pac. The one next to me looks into my eyes and sends me a sad smile.

 

"So..you've got nothing to lose, Mark?" I stand still in search of an answer. I'm just a few steps away from the table P'Yeewa had reserved. I can already see that P'Vee is standing there. I look towards him while I seek out the answer for my elder bro, but no matter how hard I think, I come up with the same answer.

 

"Apart from becoming sad, I've got nothing else to lose."

 

I sit beside P'Nuea. Opposite me sits P'Pac, and beside him sits P'Vee. P'Nuea looks at me understandingly and flashes me a smile. We whisper our greetings, since the music is too loud. 'Pac looks towards me before tapping me. His large eyes look at me crossly, and he whispers to me that the guy called Vee is about to die from heartache. I move away from P'Nuea and look towards P'Vee. We lock eyes for a fleeting moment. He feels sad.

 

I fix my gaze on P'Vee. His eyes express a sadness beyond anything I've ever seen. They're pleading and remonstrating, as if to convey to me how tormented he's been feeling.

 

"He doesn't eat or sleep." P'Nuea's deep voice whispers next to my ear. I turn to look at the one beside me, before giving him a thin smile.

 

"It was even worse for me," I reply, not knowing who suffered more. But I'm confident that my pain was no less than his.

 

Time passes by, and it appears that 'Pac and P'Kla are getting along very well. One is rebuking P'Vee, while the other is chiding me. I can only roll my eyes. I shouldn't have told P'Pac about this.

 

"Were you together with Mark for a long time, P'Pac?" P'Yeewa asks.

 

"I dunno. We were close before that. Dating...maybe a month or two. How long was it, my boy?" I flinch upon hearing the pronoun that I haven't heard for ages. I'm really not pleased with my ex right now. We're not an item anymore —how could he just call me like that?

 

"Two, I guess," I reply, looking at the most silent person in the group with the corner of my eye. Those pretty hands are fixing a drink. As I glance at him, he lifts his glass for a sip.

 

"At least you were an item for a couple of months. Some people don't even get to date," P'Kla mentions with no ill intent, but receives a glare from P'Vee.

 

"Stupid deserves it." P'Yeewa carries on, making P'Vee take even more rapid sips of his drink.

 

"I can't say much, either. I'm also a fool." The eldest one speaks up, prompting me to look at him slowly. P'Pac brings his glass to his pretty lips and gradually drinks up.

 

"That's too much," I say softly, before taking the glass away from his hand. His pretty eyes look at me pleadingly, though he lets go of the glass. "I'll go to the toilet," P'Pac says.

 

"Let me take you." I'm about to stand up, but P'Pac's small hand touches my arm.

 

"I can go by myself. It's that way, right?" The former sentence is said to me, while the latter is to ask P'Kla.

 

"Yes." Upon receiving confirmation, the little guy gets up, turns to smile at me, and walks away. I look on after P'Pac until he disappears out of sight. Why didn't I just follow him? Why are those pair of sad eyes able to stop me from going?

 

"James," I call my friend who said he would come later. I speak to him in a stern voice, since he's slow to get here.

 

[What? I'm nearly there, man. What's with the rush?]

 

"Hurry up and go check on 'Pac for me. He doesn't want me to get near him." I quickly say to him.

 

[You're worried about P'Pac?]

"Sure, I am. He's important to me."

 

Thump!

I flinch upon hearing the sound of glass bumping against the table. The well-mixed drink spills out onto P'Vee's hand that's holding it. The slender hands are so tense that I can see his blood vessels, though he becomes calmer upon locking eyes with me.

 

[Mark! Are you listening to me?]

"Uh...yeah," I reply to my friend, despite not knowing what he'd said earlier.

 

[I found P'Pac. I'll keep an eye on him. He can sleep with me tonight.]

 

"What about Wind?"

[We'll all sleep together. I ain't going inside anymore. Take care, man.]

 

"Wait!..." It's too late for me to stop my friend. I have no idea when or where he talked to P'Pac, but right now I'm thinking about the old James, the guy who was so upset when I was approaching P'Vee. The one who tried to stop me and all. Where the hell did that friend go?

 

Silence engulfs the entire group for several minutes. P'Yeewa looks at P'Vee and makes a displeased face. The sweet and pretty face then looks at me, before quietly getting up and walking somewhere else. Only P'Nuea, P'Kla, and P'Vee are at the table with me now.

 

"I’ll go get Pan. It seems she can't find our table." P'Kla utters slowly, looking at P'Vee and then at me, before getting up from the table. Only three of us remain. P'Nuea lifts his drink for a sip, his handsome face turning another way. Only P'Vee is looking at me now.

 

"You guys...should talk," P'Nue says after some time has passed. P'Vee and I look at each other's faces, and it's me who avoids his pleading gaze.

 

"I'm going to..."

 

"Keep him company. I'm gonna go to the toilet." P'Nuea hijacks me mid-sentence and immediately walks away. I can only make a stupid face and look around before craning my neck back to P'Vee. He's still glaring at me.

 

It feels so long that an hour must have passed. We just sit there, saying nothing. P'Vee also doesn't utter a word. It's as if he's not in the right frame of mind, since his hand has been stuck to his drink ever since sitting down.

 

I have no idea why I'm still sitting here, looking at P'Vee and waiting for him to say something, even though he might not want to say anything at all. No matter how much time elapses, no matter how our relationship has evolved, it's always me who's been the one to wait.

 

I let out a strong sigh, releasing the foolishness and pent-up frustrations with that exhale. I let them go in front of this person, the one I've given many feelings to. My hand, which I don't know why is trembling, grabs my phone on the table. My brain orders my stupid legs, which appear to have no energy, to stand up. It's funny that my eyes are still looking towards him, even though my brain tells me not to.

 

"I miss you." Before I can step away, the raspy voice that seems forced from the throat speaks out words that make me stop all my thoughts and turn towards him.

 

"P'.."

 

"I'm missing you like crazy, Mark." I haven't had the chance to ask for confirmation of what I heard, but the person in front of me speaks up again. His bloodshot eyes lock with mine. All the words of pleading are conveyed via them. Longing, apology, and begging. He speaks those words through those listless eyes.

 

"What are you saying?" Even though his words make my heart skip a beat, everything that has happened between us doesn't make me easily give in like before. Even though my heart belongs to him, I also want him to know that I can be fine on my own. It's just that I feel sad.

 

"I wanna say more than this, but I don't know why this is all I can say. I was so happy seeing your face after a long time, but then when I saw you with him..."P'Vee's voice gradually fades, in contrast to when he described how happy he was to see me. 

 

"My heart aches so much." I haven't sat back down yet, and am still standing in the same place. I look at the guy who conveys his pain to me through his eyes, which gleam with water, though it dissipates with his rapid blinking.

 

".." 

I don't say anything and merely stand still right there. I want to move, but his few words have rooted me to the spot. They are words that guys like him don't say often. It's not easy for me to hear about his feelings from his mouth.

 

"I want you to listen to me. If you don't wanna say anything, then don't. ..." He falls silent. Those sharp eyes veer away from me as if he can't bear looking at me. 

 

"All I ask is that you listen to me, Mark." 

 

The deep pleading voice seems to cast a spell on me, prompting me to sit myself back down and slowly veer my eyes towards the person opposite me. I try to do it as coldly as possible, though I'm not sure whether I can, since my heart is not cold at all at the moment.

 

"Is there anything else I need to hear?" 

 

Everything is clear. Every matter has its answers. No matter how pleading he is, or how tormented he tries to display to me, or how much he says he misses me, in the end. Everything ends up as before.

 

"About Ploy and...'

 

"Is there anything else I have to hear about that?" I raise my brows to ask. I don't know how their stories evolved after that day, and deep down inside, I want them to break up, but relationships are more complicated than we think. In the past, they thought they'd be able to break up, but then they ended up professing their love.

 

"You've misunderstood."

"I misunderstood that you could quit her?" 

 

I'm trying to emphasise to myself that what I'm saying is not merely to be sarcastic to the one in front of me. Still, I want to repeat this sentence over and over again to remind myself that whatever comes also comes to pass, and that I shouldn't expect or fixate my mind on anything.

 

"Mark..cut the sarcasm," P'Vee says in a gentle tone.

 

".." I fall silent to listen to what P'Vee has to say next. But he remains silent like me. His bloodshot eyes look towards me, and he locks his eyes with me again. He wants to search for something in me. It might be something I've given to him before, or the foolish feelings that I'm trying to keep inside.

 

"You probably hate me a lot... more pleading like you used to do, or the guy who consoled me when I was feeling down. The one who stays beside me when I've got no one is probably gone, as is the person who says he likes me. The you that I once knew...is no longer, right?" 

 

I don't know whether P'Vee is aware of how much I'm making an effort to control my feelings, not to appear too expressive, to maintain my heart so as not to be so weak as to accept him once again. It's very difficult to hear the pleas of the one to whom I've given my heart.

 

"Was there ever such a fool like that?" I utter, and slowly flash him a smile. The corner of my mouth curls up in a challenging manner, and the one in front of me is visibly shaken.

 

"Mark..."

 

"Is there anything else? I'm about to head back." I don't allow the one in front of me to finish talking. If he pleads another sentence with me, I'll cave in. Therefore, the best thing I can do is avoid listening to him, meeting him, and seeing him until I've fully recovered.

 

"I raise my brows and look at the one in front of me to urge him to continue, but he merely stops talking when he locks eyes with me.

 

"So you've got nothing else to say?" I ask the one in front of me, after he falls silent for a while.

 

"She and I have broken up. We aren't seeing each other anymore. Ploy just asked for one last kiss from me that day." My pupils have widened. My heart beats harder, and I want to utter the question out to him. So you give your ex a last kiss if she asks for it? Is it necessary? If you guys are still yearning for each other, there's no need to call it quits yet.

 

"Why do you tell me that?" I ask calmly. P'Vee stutters and keeps on talking while looking up at me.

 

"You..."

 

"Yes?" I reply, since P'Vee doesn't say anything else. I can only sense his pain and torment through his frowning face and eyes.

 

"You've changed a lot." I force out a smile upon hearing his words."I haven't changed. Before... I mean, before getting to know you, I was like this." I say, after he utters that sentence.

 

"So...what do you think about this matter?" He sighs and shoots the question.

"What matters?" I query back.

 

"About our story..." My breath stutters instead. The words of our story are a vocabulary known only to the two of us. The word that was once said would never change, but has now changed. This word still lingers in his heart?

 

"l.."

 

I'm dying to refuse him, but for some reason, no words come out of my mouth. I want to admonish him with a curse word or two strongly, but why can't I do it? I want to walk away from him now, but my legs don't move. "What about our story, Mark? What do you say? Can you give me a chance?"

 

"It's rare that someone gets another chance," I interject, as my heart starts leaning more towards P'Vee.

 

"Mark, are you very mad at me? Can you tell me how you're feeling now?" The pleading question brings me back to my senses. Don't give in so easily. I just shouldn't. What I should do is forget about those stories.

 

"I understand you, and I'm not mad at you." Understand my ass! I'm lying when I say I'm not mad. What kind of crazy person would understand upon seeing their man kissing his ex after breaking up? What kind of crazy dude wouldn't get angry upon seeing that with their own eyes? Those feelings that day remain etched in my memory.

 

"If I were to ask that we start over again..."

 

“You say as if everything is simple.” I see his eyes tremble, and it appears the trembling spreads to his hands. He holds his glass tighter. I realise that, because I can see blood vessels bulging out.

 

"Do you really not have feelings for me anymore? Have you really forgotten me?" I lift my glass for a sip after the person in front of me finishes talking. The raspy voice and the question that has an apparent answer already isn't something I need to think twice about.

 

"..Yeah," I reply tersely, before putting down the glass.

"You.."

 

"Is there anything else? Let's discuss and settle all the matters today."

 

"Mark..." I don't want to force myself, but I end up doing so. I don't want to hurt him, but I do. Because I no longer want to hurt myself anymore. Whatever I have, I've already given it all to the person in front of me. My heart, my feelings, I've given it all, and he's the one who didn't take care of it.

 

I let out a sigh upon seeing that the one in front of me doesn't say anything anymore. I observe the chiselled face that I used to look at often. This might be the last time that I get to see his face up close. The sharp eyes tremble. They're reddish and swollen. His high-bridged nose is more pronounced because his cheeks have become gaunter. I look down at his lips. He clenches his lips as if to suppress his feelings. That mouth of his trembles a bit once its owner sets it loose. Is he angry? Is he sad? Is he going to say anything from those pretty lips? The lovely lips that he allowed his ex to press against, even though he was seeing me at the time.

 

"I'll be off, then." I don't know why I said farewell. Why did I have to behave as if wanting him to hold on to me? Why do I have to look into those pretty pairs of eyes again?

 

"Can you not go...?" The pleading words don't stop me from moving. It's too late. He's pleading with me too late. I smile at him once more. It's a tender smile that I force myself to do before turning my back to him. P"Vee, this guy whom I love so much... I don't want to part with tears. Truth be told, I don't want to leave him at all.

 

"I love you!" He yells out after I've walked a few steps away. The sentence makes me stop in my tracks. "I love you! You hear me, Mark!?"

 

"Hey, that's P'Vee over there."

"Right...the one who's Ploy's boyfriend."

 

"They've broken up, silly!"

"Did he confess to a guy?"

 

"It's Vee, right?"

"Yeah...and that's Mark. I know his friend."

 

"Didn't he just call it quits with Ploy?"

"They've been keeping a distance for a while now, man!"

 

"Why are they confessing their love?"

P'Vee's confession of love is covered up by these sounds. Incomprehensible sounds gradually fade into the background for me. The same goes for the music. It was beating loudly in my ears just now, but I suddenly couldn't hear it. All I can listen to is P'Vee's voice. The voice that says to me…

 

"I love you..." The word love sounds out nearby. Another ruckus stirs up. I dare not turn around and look. This is enough for me to know that P'Vee is right there. This is enough... to hear P'Vee say that he loves me.

 

"Vee! The hell you doin', man?" P'Nuea's voice brings me back to my senses. I look around and cannot help but feel taken aback. The entire pub has eyes on me, with P'Vee standing behind me.

 

"Mark...I love you." I can feel the chest pressed against my back. His warm lips are not far from my ears. The words, spoken in a deep tone, reverberate in my mind, as if I'm in a trance. I turn back to look at him...

 

"I love you." I don't know how many times I've been waiting for this sentence. I don't know how long I've been waiting for him to say he loves me. It's been as long as the time I've been loving and waiting for him.

 

"..." I'm speechless, not knowing what to utter. My throat is dry, and my mouth seems to have cramped up. My eyes are in a daze, and I can't see the person in front of me clearly. In the end...my cheeks are wet and my heart aches.

 

"I love..." I pull my hands away before P'Vee can grab hold of them. He looks at me, his slim hands remaining in place, similar to his mid-sentence utterance.

 

"Is that right?"

"P'Vee likes guysss."

 

"Fuck, that's the boy P'Vee likes."

"Mannnnn, they're confessing."

 

"That's the loverboy he was having an affair with?"

"It's true when they said he was two-timing."

 

"Mark!" I turn around upon hearing P'Pac's voice. The little guy is standing not far away from me and looks at me with a confused expression. 

 

"The hell are you standing around here for? Let's head back."P'Pac walks over to grab my arm and tries to pull me away, but I refuse to budge.

 

"P'Pac..."

 

"You're gonna stay here?" The pretty face leans over and looks at me. The lovely eyes glance towards P'Vee for a moment, and it's the only moment that I notice Pac's displeasure through his eyes.

 

"I'm gonna head back." I don't know why I decided to answer P'Pac like that. Perhaps I was anxious to stay on, what with all the eyes set upon me and the words being gossiped. And importantly, I was apprehensive about P Vee's heart.

 

I walk outside with P'Pac. The little one lets go of my arm once we exit the pub. His pretty eyes look up at me several times with discontent, till I finally slip into James' car.

 

"Is he freakin' crazy? Shouting out in the middle of the pub like that. And why were you just standing there like a dumbass? If you love him, then just hug him and get out of there. Why were you just standing there to be the target of gossip, ya idiot!?" P'Pac turns to me and rebukes me as soon as we get in the car. The little guy sits in the driver's seat, while I sit next to James and Wind.

 

"I didn't know what to do," I answered P'Pac softly to tell him the way I felt. I don't know what that moment was, or what I should do next. Simply hearing the words of love from P'Vee makes my head spin. All the events that transpired between P'Vee and me flow into my head in a constant stream, be it happiness, sadness, or pain.

 

"Sigh~ So what's next then?" P'Pac asks me upon hearing my reply.

 

"Can I stay by myself for a while?" I utter softly and close my eyes. I sense the movement of the vehicle, as well as the concern from the ones beside me. But everything I'm perceiving right now is incomparable to the words of love P’Vee declared to me.

 

He can say it a million times and it wouldn't make any difference, since it's already too late for me to hear it.