Love Mechanics

Chapter 23. The warmth that has disappeared.

 

[Vee Vivis]

 

I had a nightmare. Last night, I dreamt that Mark ran away from me. It seemed he was dead in the dream, nowhere to be found. I had no idea where he was. His friends didn't say anything either. I couldn't do anything but sit down and feel hurt in the dream.

 

"He doesn't pick up my calls either." I lift my hand to rub my face upon hearing my friend's answer. I came to see Nuea at his dormitory to ask him to contact Mark for me, hoping that if it were Nuea, that kid would pick up the phone, but in the end, the result was the same. The silly nightmare that came true.

 

It's just a few more days until the semester starts, but I still don't know where Mark is. I've no idea where he is in the world, where his house is, who he's with, or how mad he is at me. I don't know jackshit about him. I never thought this would be the case, given his steadfast commitment to waiting for me, which made me take him for granted. I felt that no matter what, he'd wait for me, and that the lad would never leave me...How foolish of me.

 

"I'm at wit's end," I say, after puffing out cigarette smoke. I'm at Nuea's room now. I don't feel good about having had to muster up the effort to come all the way here to ask for his help, but he's my friend. He's the one who knows everything and understands me the most. Fortunately for me, he doesn't rub salt in my wound.

 

"Why don't you ask James?" My friend's deep voice sounds out. His fair-skinned face veers towards me, his facial expression showing sorrow no different from mine.

 

"He doesn't tell me anything." That James kid is a real pain in the ass. After calming my emotions in my room for a few hours, I had breakfast and then went to see Mark at his dormitory, though his room was locked. I wasn't able to contact him by phone till James came along. The half-Thai face flashes a smile and leers at me. He uses a key and a keycard to get into the room. I follow him inside, but all I see is darkness...Mark's not there.

 

"He'd surely wanna be here to see your face." The lad sniggers at me. He walks into the bedroom, though I don't care what he's there for. I simply shout out to Mark, trying to find him everywhere: the balcony, the kitchenette, the bedroom, the toilet, and even the wardrobe. But that's all I could do. If he really had wanted to see me, he'd be here.

That incident happened ten days ago, but James' words still echo in my ears. Mark probably really doesn't want to see me. He may even hate me by now. All I want is to explain the events of that day to him. I just want him to know about it, even though he may not forgive, but I just want to tell him. Moreover, I want to say a word that matches my feeling, even though it may be a simple descriptive word, but I want to say it out to him.

 

"Tomorrow's already the start of the semester. Just see him then." That's what I'd been thinking. If I can't find him these days, I'll wait for classes to start. At least he'll be back in class.

 

"That's what I thought, too."

 

"Then why the long face? Let's go grab a bite." Nuea reaches out his hand to pat my shoulder, but I don't

 

"I miss him, Nuea." I gradually open my eyes to look at him. "I miss Mark."

 

"I miss him, too." I fall silent upon hearing my friend's reply. He walks outside, leaving me alone with my thoughts. I slide my fingers back and forth. The chat group has no new notifications. None of my other friends know about this. The last message I received was one asking me to go out for drinks. My friends don't chide me, only Yeewa and Kla, who, at the beginning, make a stern face at me. But now Yeewa's also trying to help find Mark. They take turns coming over to see me and have a chat. I once asked why they don't let me be alone, and they replied that they don't want me to be sad by myself. I'm lucky to have such good friends.

 

I look down at the chat group that had been inactive for a long time. Yeewa sends a photo to the group. It's captured from James' Facebook page. It's a photo of two guys who are sitting side by side. A small, fair-skinned, cute chap is feeding ice cream to another guy, who's smiling and opening his mouth to receive it. That person makes me numb, and a fiery flash of envy immediately shoots up my eye sockets. My heart aches, as if it's squeezed tight upon thinking what kind of relationship they might be in.

 

I exit the chat window without replying. I then enter James' Facebook page. The photo was tagged and made public an hour ago.

 

Pack Pakaraphon

1hr

Exes are important, too. I've missed you so much. You two boys, too. With Winnie the Pooh James, it's read James, not Ja-mes and Masa Mark.

 

James, not Ja-mes, and Masa Mark

314 likes 23 comments

James, it's read James, not Ja-mes: Why didn't you tell me you went to see P'Pac, ya bastard friend? Masa Mark

 

Winnie the Pooh: Mark, ya fucker. I'm worried about you.

Pack Pakarapon: Why are you ganging up on Mark? 

Winnie the Pooh, James, it's read James, not Ja-mes James:  His face is so cheerful. He was a wreck when he was with us. Didn't he tell you?

Pack Pakarapon: I've heard about everything, and am always right here to console Mark. I'm even posting this publicly^^

Nont Nontawat: Are you guys back together? Oh, Anucha: You're really back together?

Winnie the Pooh: Wait, wait, you've lost me. Who's back together with whom?

 

At first, I wanted to know what type of relationship those two were in. But many comments that express curiosity about whether those two have really gotten back together make me force a stupid smile. Exes are important, huh? Whether that's a sarcastic remark or meant to make me feel pain, it's done its job, SO I dial out to Mark once more. It may be the hundredth time, but all I know is that I've got to make the call. I've gotta talk to him. My mind believes more that he's just trying to be sarcastic with me. Looking into Mark's eyes makes me realise how much he feels for me. There's no way that he'd change his mind so abruptly.

 

[Hello.] 

 

My strong, beating heart upon the call being picked up is replaced by numbness when I realise the one on the other line isn't the one I was waiting for.

 

"Who?" I ask tersely.

 

[Mark's in the toilet now. I'll tell him to call you back.] The cheery voice doesn't answer my question, which makes me even more upset.

 

"I asked you who you are!"

 

[Oh! Mark's here now. Mark! The guy named Vee's calling.] The bright voice hadn't answered my question yet, but the name of the one who makes my heart beat strongly came out of his mouth. I want to talk to him, to ask him, and to chide him for embracing another guy's neck. I want to apologise and ask him to forgive my past wrongdoings. I want him to give me a chance to come back, to...

 

[Just hang up the phone...] I want him to at least say a word to me...

 

The deep raspy voice comes through the line as he finishes talking. I don't know what they'll do next, and that makes my heart ache so badly now. Mark probably hates me so much that he doesn't even want to hear my name. I anticipated hearing Mark's voice all this time, but the words I want to hear are not the ones I hear. The words that cut me off as if I'm not meaningful enough for him to care.

 

"Vee!" I immediately turn to Nuea as soon as he dodges in. My friend's handsome face is full of suspicion when he locks eyes with mine. "Why are you crying?" Crying? Am I crying again? I haven't thought about crying since Mark disappeared two days ago. I intended to come back to my senses, not to be weary nor torment myself, and to try to be a person of value, so that he won't feel disappointed upon coming back to see me again.

 

"l.."

"Have you seen what Yeewa sent?" My friend's excited voice doesn't make me feel curious. There's nothing that I want anymore.

 

"Let's go drinking tonight."

"Are ya crazy? Are you hearing what I'm saying? I said Mark..."

 

"Screw Mark!" It might be my anger or my disappointment, but what I say leaves my friend standing there, mouth agape. I lift my hand and brush my hair back, not knowing how Nuea is looking at me, though he's still stunned.

 

"Yoo.."

 

"He doesn't care about me anymore." I let out a deep sigh and utter softly.

"Don't think so yourself. Wait for him to pick up the phone."

 

"Pick up my ass! His ex picked up just now. I heard with my very ears that Mark told him to hang up the phone. Which means what? That he doesn't wanna talk to me!" 

 

I walk out of Nuea's room upon finishing what I have to say. I don't know how I should be feeling right now. I now understand how painful it is to have to wait. I realise now how disappointing it is to wait and hope, only for things not to turn out as we expect. If my sorrow could be measured right now, it would be more than all my shed tears combined.

 

pVnn

Just now

 

Thank you for passing through. Sorry, I couldn't keep you.

12 likes 

 

I don't bother checking the notifications. My status right now is all that I'm feeling at the moment. I'm starting to despise social media, even though I once thought it was useful, as I could follow Mark's news updates via this channel. But that's not the case right now. My feeling now is something I don't want to feel.

 

I didn't go to campus on the first day. It's not that I didn't want to go, but I couldn't get out of bed. My head felt troubled and aching. I'm not sure whether it was because I had too much to drink last night or because I had a fever, but I just lay in bed all day. My mom comes in and collects the beer bottles to throw away. I didn't dare make eye contact with her when she looked my way. I don't want to be like this and make my mom disappointed, but I just like an outlet.

 

"How are you doing, man?" I open my eyes and look at Yoo, who's walking towards me.

 

"Don't you have class?" The voice that utters is so hoarse that I furrow my face.

 

"I already went and came back. It's 3 in the afternoon." Yoo replies and comes over to touch my forehead.

 

"Did you see him?"

"You don't have a fever anymore."

 

"I asked whether you saw him or not." I press my voice as deep as I can, trying to look at my brother with a stern glare. I want to tell him to tell the truth. Yoo might have already met Mark, and Mark might've told him to tell me they didn't meet. They might've discussed me the same way they did the last time. I want to remain hopeful, even though it's better not to hope at all.

 

"Surely he'd come to you before coming to me." Yoo sits beside the bed and answers me.

"I thought you guys would take..."

 

"He's not even talking to Nuea, Vee," Yoo tells me in an irritated manner. "To be frank, among us, the most important person for Mark is you. If he doesn't want to talk to you, then that means he doesn't want to talk to anyone." Yoo's long-winded words make me veer off in another direction.

 

"Well, just in case.."

 

"If you're still this desperate, then recover quickly and go see him." Yoo cuts the conversation short and gets up to walk out.

 

I sulk in my bed just for the day. My body condition is not quite ready yet, but my mind desires. I want to go to campus, to let Mark see me, and to see his face. I want him to know that I miss him.

 

Coming to class later is not a problem for me. It's just one day, and the first day of class, no less. I'm not too concerned, as the first day is just about getting to know the lecturer and chatting with friends we haven't seen for a long time.

 

"Oh, my daddy's finally here. The pretty lecturer asked about you yesterday." Kla greets me as soon as I enter the classroom. I look at him wearily, frowning upon thinking of the lecturer who egged Ploy and me on when we were newly dating.

 

"That's her problem," I reply tersely, and sit down next to Bar.

 

"What's with your face?" Bar turns to survey my face. His pretty eyes sweep across my entire face before asking me out.

 

"I told you I was sick," I answer jadedly. I didn't really want to force myself to come to class, but only to meet with that person.

 

"Why'd you even come then? You've still got a fever.". I say, as he touches my forehead. I lean away from his hand and look towards the front of the room, not wanting to talk to anyone.

 

"Who'd be so keen on coming to class like you, Mr. doctor's wife?" Yeewa leans her face over to tease Bar.

 

"Hey! Why mess with me? How about seeing how our friend is doing?" Bar retorts.

 

"I wasn't thinking of getting involved with him. That fool should wise himself up on his own." Her words pierce my heart, though her eyes convey that she cares about me.

 

"How's your condition, though? You have a fever, even?" Pan asks.

 

"Oh well...he was getting all nitty-gritty with his ex-wife, it's little wonder his body would heat up." Kla mocks me.

 

"Just be quiet, guys," I say slowly, before veering away from them. But then I see Nuea walking in from the other direction. I can't help but let out a sigh upon thinking of the other day when I chided him. I know that each one of my friends thinks I deserve what I'm getting, while also caring about my feelings. As Yeewa said, everything is up to me.

 

I listen as the lecturer explains about the curriculum and teaching methodology till the three hours of the class pass by. I walk out of the classroom in a poor condition, while scouring my eyes all over for Mark, but he's nowhere to be found. I never felt my faculty was big until today. I used to be able to find him wherever he was, but now that I really want to see him, I can't.

 

I slip into the cafeteria chair. Some of my friends have already got their food on the table. Bar is still looking in my direction. I raise my brows at my close friend, but he just gives me a frown.

 

"The doc is also concerned about you," Bar speaks out after letting some time elapse.

 

"I see." I don't know how to reply to make my friend feel better, because I don't feel good at all right now. How am I to respond to the concern and well-wishes of others? I want to say more and explain to them in more detail, but doing so would be like making an excuse. So, I choose to remain silent and convey my feelings to them through my eyes.

 

"Have you met Mark yet?" I immediately turn around upon hearing Kla's question. Bar also looks up from his phone to Kla.

 

"Where did you find him?" Bar queries.

"Around the Management Zone. He was walking with some fuckin' gorgeous dude."

 

"Whoa, hey! Vee!"

"Ya asshole. Follow him then."

 

I don't know who follows me, but I'm trying to follow the directions my friend gave me. I want to go back and get my car first, but my mind is rushing me. In my head, only that kid's scruffy face appears, constantly drifting here and there. He's not just here and there, but everywhere.

 

I admit to thinking about giving up, to realise that if things continue like this, I won't have to follow him, nor try to make up with him, nor wait for him to turn back. I just want to stop everything and be with myself, but I haven't thought things through yet, and it's not enough to make up for how much I miss him.

 

The back of a guy I'm familiar with comes into view. He may have got thinner, but I'm confident he's the one I've been waiting for and trying to find all day. As soon as I establish that it's in fact him, I quicken my strides. He's facing a street snack stall by the roadside. A pretty bag is slung across one of his shoulders, his hand tucked in his pants pocket. The other arm is held by some guy's small hand whose face I can't see. I slow my strides...

 

I don't know why the closer I get, the more I want to flee. Who's that by his side? A new lover or a friend, or just someone he's been talking to? What kind of face will he make upon seeing me? Will he be disappointed, sad, mad, or happy to see me?

 

"Mark...can I have one more of this?" The voice of the one next to him rings out, making me realise how close I came to the two. It's close enough to establish that the one standing beside Mark now is the one who uploaded those couple of photos with him, the one who labelled himself as the important ex.

 

"Once you eat it, you always complain that it makes you fat. I'm fed up listening to you." The deep raspy voice I haven't heard for a long time makes my heart beat fast. I can't describe how I'm feeling now. I just can't, because the emotions are simply too many.

 

"I won't say a word. You've gotta take me to that restaurant, Mark, that Pad Thai joint that you said was yummy." A Pad Thai joint? How would a guy like Mark know about such a place if it weren't for me, who brought him there?

 

I continue to step towards them, though the pace has slowed down, as the distance between us has reduced. I stop not far from Mark. Two people can stand between me and him at the moment. Those thin lips unfurl a smile and chatter away with the one next to him. The small hand raises to grab Mark's arm, wheedling him to take him out somewhere.

 

"C'mon...please? I've come all the way here. Take me there, okay?"

 

"I'm free these days." The unique voice utters slowly in his style, prompting the one next to him to widen his smile even more.

 

"Oh~ You're the best. I'll give you so much love, then." My fists tighten their grip. I want to approach that dude, grab him by the collar, and pull his slim body away from Mark. I want to toss him far away and pull Mark into my embrace.

 

"Such a sweet mouth." The reticent one says just that, but places his hand on the pretty hand of the one who appears to be older than him. He rubs the hair of the one beside him till it's all messy, till the one next to him complains. The auntie at the food stall cannot help but laugh out and tease them.

 

"These days it's cute to see guys fooling around like this." The auntie says with a smile as she hands over the bag of snacks.

 

"It's probably just fooling around, though. This kid just won't get serious with me." Won't get serious with me? I don't want to think about their relationship. I don't know how they were before, or how long they were an item, or how they broke up. I don't want to think about those things. The only thing on my mind right now is, will Mark go back to him? So this is the feeling he used to have for me: heartache.

 

"Just give in to him, dear. Loving one another is better than hating each other." I feel the slim hands that are about to receive the snack bag freeze. He doesn't reply to anything, but nods a bit to the auntie before taking the snacks from her hand.

 

I take half a step back as the other person turns around. Mark sees me and freezes like that, no different from me, who's standing still. My entire world comes to a halt. The voice of the one beside him rings out, though I can't make out what it is he's saying. My eyes are in a daze for a brief moment, but I try to observe the one in front of me whom I haven't seen for many days.

 

The charming face seems more boyish than before. The lips which I've pressed against are a flat line, revealing no emotion. His cheeks have become a bit gaunter, though he's not one to have thick cheeks to begin with. His pretty brows don't raise or show any reaction. The oval eyes that I like look at me calmly, in a manner that pains me. His eyes tremble once, but only for a brief moment, before becoming still and cold again.

 

"Hello." My arms are still placed by my side. I can't raise them to accept my junior's wai greeting. I have no strength to move my hands or any part of my body. I don't even have the energy to draw another breath. It's as if all the energy has been sapped away upon locking eyes with him.

 

"Mark! I was so worried about you." The sharp, high-pitched voice that I know is Yeewa's rings out beside my ear, as she approaches her junior line and hugs him. Mark raises his arms awkwardly to hug her back, till Yeewa pulls away.

 

"I'm sorry for having made you worried."

 

"Bad boy!" Yeewa chides and softly hits Mark's shoulder. I can only clench my fists and see that image, the image of my petite friend being able to jump in and hug him, the kid whom I've once said was my boy. The lad whom I've hugged more times than anyone else. The one who has a big influence on me.

 

"Is this your senior, Mark?" The little guy beside Mark leans over and asks. Yeewa, who seems to have just noticed my presence, gives a sheepish smile before turning towards me. I still stand rooted at the same place, while beside me there's Bar and Kla. Bar steps forward a bit and smiles at Mark as well as at the one beside him.

 

"Yes, a senior who's close to Mark," Bar replies before Mark can say anything.

 

"Close? Does Mark know how to get close to others? Should I be surprised or disappointed?" The petite guy looks up at Mark before frowning a bit.

 

"C'mon now, P'Pac..." So...the name's Pac, huh.

 

"I won't say anything if this guy's the one you like," Pac says, while pointing to Bar. Mark follows his finger and looks towards Bar, before gradually unfurling a smile.

 

"I've stopped liking him."

 

"See!? You really used to like him." Pac softly hits Mark's shoulder and utters.

 

"So..what's the deal between you guys?" Kla, who's standing beside me, asks out, prompting everyone to look towards him, which is the same as looking towards me. His eyes and mine lock for a moment before he moves his eyes to Kla.

 

"Can I not answer that?" The kid says with a smile.

 

"Why don't you tell them that we're dating? Or are you afraid someone might get upset?" Pac says sternly, his attractive eyes pan towards me as he speaks, making me realise that he's aware of the story between Mark and me.

 

"I haven't got anyone." The lad lowers himself to utter to the one next to him, flashing him a thin smile upon finishing his words, and looking back up again.

 

Every action Mark does and every word he says makes me numb. The many things I want to speak to him seem stuck in my mouth. No emotion or apology can be conveyed to Mark. Only my eyes are looking at him, though I don't know whether he senses my gaze. If he can really look into my eyes, then he'll see that I'm feeling sad.

 

"Are you guys going anywhere else? Why don't you come talk to us tonight?" Yeewa speaks up and breaks the sullen atmosphere I'm feeling.

 

"I was thinking of taking P'Pac for a tour around campus," Mark replies politely.

"We can meet up with them at 9 or 10 in the evening, though," Pac suggests.

 

"P'Pac..." The guy with the still face lowers his voice, leaning down at the little guy who mentioned the idea.

 

"Why? I'd like to go, too. Besides, I wanna see exactly how close you are to your seniors." Pac tells Mark, who lets out a sigh before nodding.

 

"If I bring along P'Pac, will that be okay with you guys?" The kid asks. My friends don't give an immediate reply; instead, they look to me as if to let me answer on their behalf.

 

"Well!.." Kla stammers as he looks at me.

"Vee, are you okay with that?" Bar asks me.

 

"The sound that comes out of my mouth is so hoarse that it is barely audible.

 

"If it's not okay, then I'll just take P'Pac around, and we can meet another time." 

The sentence he utters is without any hesitation, which makes my heart ache even more.

 

"I haven't told you to go anywhere yet," I speak out, before slowly looking up to see the eyes of the one opposite me. "So why are you going?" I ask in the hope that he would respond to my stupid gaze and sense the deep feelings I want to convey to him. If only he could see through to my heart...he'll know how much I've missed him.