Love Mechanics

Chapter 22. Only Pain in the End.

 

[Mark Masa]

 

I lie down and twist and turn mindlessly on the bed, which I haven't slept in for many months. As I look around, I find that I'm still familiar with its surroundings. I turn to my left and look at the phone. I just switched on my phone a few hours ago to ask my family to pick me up at the airport. The missed call notifications, Line messages, and Facebook chats pop up as before. I thought of reading them, but right now my mind is not strong enough, so I return here, the place I don't really like, but that makes me feel secure.

 

I arrive at my house at dawn and ask James to send me off to the airport. He didn't say much to me, just that 'Vee's also suffering a lot, though I didn't think anything at that time. It's not that I didn't want to...but my mind was blank.

 

Seeing our loved one kissing their ex is very painful. If it were any other guy or gal, then I could talk things through with him and calm my mind. But this is someone whom he used to love dearly, so much so that he nearly overlooked me. Even though I presented my face and body, and everything to him, that woman still holds influence over him. She's the only one I dare not challenge. The only one I'm ready to yield to.

 

I'm not sure how hard I cried. All I know is that my mind feels so painful upon seeing them kissing. Is the piece of meat on my left that weighs 300 grams really just for pumping blood, as Tossakan said? Why do I feel as if a thousand needles are piercing into my heart at the same time?

 

"Masa, are you awake, dear? Let's go out and get something to eat." I turn towards the door. My mom's voice snapped me out of my train of thought just now. I smile thinly at her and stand up to look at my condition. Don't ask me if I'm awake; just ask if I want to sleep more. That would be far easier to answer.

 

"I'm not hungry, Mom."

 

"Masa, I've missed you, dear. You can't just come and lie in bed all day." I let out a sigh before lifting my hand to brush my hair behind, before walking over to open the door for my mom.

 

"I'm still tired, Mom," I say with wheedling eyes to my mother.

 

"Wheedling me like this, something must surely be up." My mom squints her eyes and looks at me calmly. "Tell me, Masa." Her concerned expression, gentle tone of voice, and caring eyes that gaze towards me fill me with warmth.

 

"Mom..." I call out the one in front of me, before closing in to embrace her. "I've been hurt again."

 

'Everything I do, everything I am, my mother is aware of. She knows about my preference and doesn't mind it. I've made it clear that I wasn't into girls since high school. My mom can accept that and always takes care of me. So no matter where I go or who I go with, my mother knows. But this time she doesn't, because I'm far away from her. Because I don't miss her as much as before.

 

"Are you hurt much, darling? It's okay, dear. I'm right here for you." Mom rubs my head and consoles me.

 

"I've missed you so much," I say, before kissing the one in front of me on the cheek and pulling away.

 

"You wanna tell me about it, dear?" My mom extends her hand out to caress my cheek and asks softly.

 

"Not now. I don't want to talk about it yet." I replied to her with a smile. I don't want her to feel worried or concerned. And I'm really not ready to talk about that guy.

 

"Then let's go eat out. Dad's waiting for us." I raise my brows upon hearing that Dad's waiting. She smiles thinly at me and nods, prompting me to follow her downstairs.

 

The dining room is the place I dislike most in the house, since I have to meet my dad there. The head of the house looks at me, his face calm and his eyes still. Those eyes that are bereft of emotion are still the same as usual. I fulfil my obligation like every time I meet him.

 

"Hello, Dad." I gesture a wai and greet him in a flat tone. He merely nods at me.

Silence envelopes the room as I take a seat. Dad starts to eat quietly, as do I. Only my mother is looking at me with concern in her eyes.

 

It's just like before, and it's gotten even more serious since I told my dad to study upcountry. My dad and I aren't close, but once he found out what I was going to study, he became even colder towards me.

 

"Masa, how many days are you staying, dear? Will it be enough for me to stop missing you?" The sweet voice of the one beside me chimes in, together with the fish meat that is placed on my plate. I turn and smile at my mother before answering as I had intended.

 

"I was planning to stay a couple of days, Mom. My holiday's not that long."

 

"If you have such a short holiday, then why bother coming?" The deep tone of the one at the head of the table echoes out. At the corner of my eye, I can see my mom looking up, while I grip my spoon.

 

"Darling, how about not chiding him for once?" Mom says to Dad. Her tone doesn't indicate displeasure, but more of pleading.

 

"I'm not chiding, I'm just telling the truth. He's living so far away that it must've been a burden to come back."

 

"Dad." I look up and lock eyes with my dad before calling him in a stiff tone. He looks back at me calmly.

 

"Please don't quarrel. Our son's just arrived, don't make him feel bad." Mom says to Dad.

 

"If he's not burdened about something, he wouldn't come to see us, dear. So what's up this time... what did you do?" It's as if something slapped me in the face and numbed me. I didn't reply to anything; I was just looking at my dad as before.

 

"When he's troubled, it's only right that he should come to us." Mom points out.

 

"It would be better if your rascal son did as I say. I told him to study here, but he went so far away. I told him to become a swimmer, but then he goes and studies whatever." My dad starts talking about something which I had already explained to him. Before starting school, this was a serious problem in our family. It's not that I didn't want to be a swimmer; I just didn't want to do it professionally. I prefer to study engineering.

 

“I have my preferences," I reply to him calmly, not wanting to explain anymore.

"Because of your preferences, you ended up being like this," Dad utters, before standing up and walking away. I let out a deep sigh, and I can feel my mom's hand on my head. I look at the person next to me once again, before giving her a thin smile.

 

"He's worried about you. He doesn't want you to suffer difficulties." The sweet voice deliberates.

 

"I don't have any difficulties there, Mom. The dorms are comfortable, I've got James and Wind to keep me company, and I'm having fun with my studies." I replied. It appears our breakfast will end here, as I don't feel like eating anything, and Mom has put her spoon down.

 

"Then what's with your facial expression this morning?" My mom asks me, before turning to the maid, who comes over to collect the dishes from the table, while I look out to the garden beside the house through the clear glass. "Shall we go talk in the garden? You like it there." Mom turns to invite me, prompting me to nod and follow her outside.

 

My house is a modern-style home. Even though my mom is from an elite family, and my dad has some Japanese blood, they both like this type of house. I asked for one side of the house to be a garden, while my dad made the other side a swimming pool. My garden is as pretty as ever.

 

My mom took great care of it while I was away. I like the greenery of the leaves, since they make me feel good when I look at them. I like the scent of the soil because it refreshes me when I inhale deeply. And I like P'Vee. There's no reason, but I really like him...even more than my garden.

 

"You ignore me whenever you're here." The voice that comes up behind me makes me turn around and look. My mom comes over with a glass full of milk or some kind of drink. Only because of her... I came back here only because of her. She's the only one who knows how I feel right now.

 

"Thank you." I received the glass from her. Inside is warm milk, which I've always liked to drink. I put it up to my lips and think of the time I came back from Samet Island. I was on the bus and felt hungry, so he gave me some snacks and milk. Nothing fancy, and it wasn't the milk that mom warmed up for me, but somehow it made me full.

 

"Why don't you drink it, dear? I know you're not full yet." I look up, realising that I was frozen in that posture for a long while. I smile a bit at her before drinking the flavorful milk.

 

"I wasn't hungry, though." I lowered my glass after having drunk half of it. Mom walks towards me and lifts her hand to wipe the milk stain from my mouth.

 

"Don't let dad bother you too much, dear. He's just very worried about you." Mom says and places her hand on my shoulder.

 

"I understand him, and I want him also to understand me." I know that I'm his only son. My preference is something that my parents probably wouldn't be able to accept. Luckily, my mom understands me, so she's always stood by my side. But unfortunately, my dad is against me. 

 

I used to envy Tossakan, whose family is accepting of everything he does. It would be difficult for me to enter into a relationship with Bar. But now I know that no matter who I love, I will face difficulties. 

 

The more I think of P'Vee's face, the more I cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel due to both his family and my dad. Our story should end like this. No need to evolve our relationship any further. No need for him to love me. I should cut ties with him so that he doesn't love me, rather than being forced to separate.

 

"Is there really nothing you want to tell me?" My mother asks and takes a seat on the hammock. I let out a sigh before turning and following her.

 

"There's someone I like." I look down at my mother, who's waiting to listen to me. Deliberate slowly and softly, while my mother nods along.

 

"Do you really like him a lot? You've never seemed stressed about these things. If you like him, then just say it to him." Mom reaches out her hand to grab hold of me and pull me close to her, before tugging at me to sit down beside her.

 

"I think I might be in love with him," I utter softly, looking at my mom's hands that are wrapped around mine. I feel warmth, even though telling such a story makes me cold. As long as these pairs of hands are holding mine, my mind feels the warmth. As if when I had no one, P'Vee walked over to hold my hand. It's a similar feeling, though I feel more secure and clearer right now. I feel as if my mom won't let go of my hand.

 

"What happened, then? He doesn't love my Masa back?" Mom leans over and asks.

 

"He said he likes me," I reply, like that, which makes her raise her brows. Her pretty lips clench together like mine do when I'm using my thoughts.

 

"Is it his family that doesn't like you, Masa?" Mom asks as she glances at me. I force out a smile before looking at the trees in front of me.

 

"That's one thing...but the main problem is that he loves his girlfriend more than me."

 

"Masa!" Mom immediately turns to me. Her pretty eyes sparkle out of surprise, before she looks at me sternly.

 

"I told you already that I don't mind however you are, nor whomever you like, but it can't be someone who's already taken," Mom speaks out as if she's angry at me, though it's probably more out of pity. My mom has never been one to rub salt in my wounds, no matter how I am.

 

"I know now why you say that to me."

 

I used to like someone, though he already had a boyfriend. I didn't flirt with him, as I was still young back then. I discussed it with my mom, who was adamant that I stop liking him. It didn't matter whether I wanted a fling or to be serious with him; Mom insisted that I stop. I was complaining and didn't agree with her at that time, but since my mom was so insistent, I ended up not flirting with him. He was my first love, the first love who already had a lover, and I decided not to interfere with their relationship. It's different from now…

 

"Masa...it's not just something sinful or wrong like what was taught you when you were younger, but in the end, loving someone who already belongs to someone else leads to pain." My mom says and wraps her hand around my shoulder.

 

I gradually let the tears flow out slowly. I don't want to cry out anymore, but I really can't help it. I lean my head against Mom's shoulder and sob out.

 

"I feel hurt, Mom." I embrace her waist and plant my face onto her shoulder. She lifts her hand to rub my back. The words of consolation and encouragement flow out from her pretty mouth. It helps me a lot, though the word pain still sticks in my ear.

 

"Can you quit him, dear? If he doesn't stop loving his ex, then can you stop loving him?" Mom shoves me gently, and I pull away from her warm embrace to look at her eyes. Her pretty eyes are reddish from holding back tears, while her trembling, fair-skinned hand reaches out to my face. Her slim fingers slowly wipe away my tears.

 

"Mom..."

 

"I've never once made you cry. So who is he to make my child be in such pain like this?" Mom says with a shaky voice, as her words make more tears stream down my face.

 

"Hick..l..."

 

"Don't let him have this much influence on you, dear. Don't let him hurt my child this much." I let my tears roll down as I quietly listened to Mom reprimand P Vee. 

 

Actually, I'm at fault too, but my mom doesn't chide me at all. I know that Mom lets me have my way and spoils me too much. I know it's not good for her to be like this, but it makes me feel good. Every time she consoles me or lets me have my way, I think that I'm on top of the entire world. But not this time. As my mom consoles me this time, I feel as if my world is coming to ruin.

 

"I'm sorry, mom..." I lift my hand to wipe my tears away before looking into her pretty pair of eyes. "I don't think I can stop loving him."

 

"Masa..."

 

"I've tried many times, but each time nothing changes. I thought it would help if I came back home. At least I'd be able to hug you and forget about his embrace. Hearing dad's complaints would probably make me forget him. But it hasn't been the case at all...even at this moment I'm thinking of him." 

 

My voice becomes hoarse, and I can't really say anything out loud, though my mom understands every word. Her pretty hand reaches out to me once again, before being raised to rub my head.

 

"You shouldn't dive this deep. The best thing for now is to forget about him." It's not easy at all; Mom suggests the best way. It's not something that I can easily do at all.

 

I've been at home for a couple of days now. Time passes so quickly that I didn't even think about it. My feelings and emotions remain the same. I still feel pain and torment. But what increases even more is how much I miss him, even though I shouldn't. Despite my heart aching when I think of him, I don't know why, but I still do.

 

My holidays are about to come to an end, and the new semester is approaching. I'll have to head back to campus for the start of the new semester. Of course, I'll encounter P'Vee. No matter how hard I try to avoid him, it's no use. The world likes to be round when we want it to be flat. Since it's inevitable, the best thing I can do is to keep my guard up and adjust myself. Everything is returning to how it was before, back to when P'Vee didn't have any feelings for me.

 

I picked up my phone, which had been stupidly left in place for the past couple of days without being charged. Once the screen displays, a bunch of notifications pop up. The first are text messages, then incoming calls. There's Fuse, Kamphan, and James too, as well as P'Nuea, P'Yeewa, and lastly...P'Vee. 

 

I choose to swipe away those notifications, as I don't really want to talk about the events that transpired with these people yet. I know they're worried about me, but I can't really bring myself to speak about it yet.

 

I don't know what got into me, but all of a sudden, I became curious about his whereabouts. My finger slides to connect to the internet, before entering the application to check on 'Vee's updates. Many notifications pop up till I raise my brows. There shouldn't be this many people who want to know how I'm doing.

 

pVnn

yesterday

Can you come back? Please forgive me for once. Don't change your mind yet. Give me a chance to say a word to you from my heart.

#Hope #YourHeartRemainsUnchanged

2,167 Likes 109 Comments

 

Yiwaa: You're an idiot pVnn unun: Good luck, my friend

Pond pawee: Even worse than before

Bar Sarawut : Come see me pVnn

 

The last comment I see is P'Bar's. I don't need to read on or see more replies. Those pleading words tug my heartstrings. P'Vee's voice and face clearly appear as soon as I read the words, even though I don't know whether they're intended for me or her. But my sinful heart is biased.

 

I hope P'Vee will think about me as well. I just want him to look into my eyes and to think about my heart. It's probably not possible, because that woman is his everything. The one whom he sees, the one he still has feelings for, and the one who's always in his heart. Even though P'Vee has me, or many others who are ready to be his, he has always been going steady with Ploy.

 

Rrrr~

I look down at the phone that interrupts my train of thought. The status owner displays on my phone screen. My mind trembles, and my right hand is about to pick up the call, but my mom's voice reverberates in my head.

 

"You shouldn't dive this deep. The best thing for now is to forget about him."

So simple...just let the phone ring along with the tears that flow down. That's all...

 

I step out for a cigarette. The view from my balcony is my garden. The greenery of the leaves helps calm my mind. Inhaling cool air deep into my lungs and releasing it reduces my stress, letting everything fade away like the white smoke. I look up at the sky and exhale once again. Calling it quits with him is so hard to do.

 

I walk out of the room without paying attention to my phone, even though it's flashing and vibrating nonstop. On the one hand, I want to talk things through. I want to make clear that we are over, but in fact, I dare not. Even though saying so would end everything and make it easier to quit him, deep down inside, I know that's not what I want.

 

"Masa, come here, dear. Auntie Orn and P'Pol came to visit. I was about to come fetch you." I've barely stepped down the stairs when Mom calls out to me. I look towards my Aunt and my cousin, and give them a thin smile.

 

"Hello." I raise my hands and give them a wai, greeting them once I walk over. P'Pol flashes me a smile and raises his brows, signalling that we should let the aunties have their own conversation.

 

"The owner of the garden's here. I came across some orchids, and was about to have a look at where to plant them." P'Pol says with a smile.

 

"Let's go then. Auntie's okay with that?" I reply to P'Pol and turn towards my aunt.

 

"I want to talk to my nephew, but he wants to go with P'Pol?" The pretty one makes a sad face and walks over to me.

 

"Madame... just talk about jewellery with your younger sis. I’m going to play with my little bro as teenagers do."

 

"Pol!"

 

P'Pol drags me by my arm to go outside as soon as he finishes talking. I can hear Auntie's yelling and Mom's laugh behind me. I briskly follow him before stopping at a bench in my garden.

 

"We're not kids anymore, P'Pol." I turn to chide my elder cousin.

 

"Whether kid or adult, I'm so fed up. Never hear anything interesting from her. It's either diamonds or gold. I prefer being with nature."

 

'Pol drags out the last word and gestures his hands apart, taking in a breath of fresh air before sitting down on the grass.

 

'Pol's mother runs a diamond business, while his father is in the mining industry. He's studying business administration and is about to graduate soon. We're as close as real siblings because Auntie is my mom's sister, so we've known each other since childhood.

 

"So...what brings you home? I thought you were still protesting your dad." P'Pol looks up and asks me.

 

"I miss mom." P'Pol twists his mouth as if not buying my answer.

"There must be something." P'Pol speculates.

 

"Don't you think I can miss my home, too?" I ask and sit down beside him. I pick up a blade of grass to have something my hands can fiddle with.

 

"Nah. One who loves your house oh so much, like you would only come back if there's some issue." P'Pol says to me sarcastically. 

 

"Or have you!?..."

"Have I what?" I query upon hearing his surprised voice.

 

"Caught some disease?"

"Ya crazy!?" I shove the one who's older away. P'Pol frowns and rubs his face, complaining that he's not a child anymore, and that I should give him some respect like an elder who doesn't have that many friends to talk to.

 

"Are you lonely?" I let 'Pol run his mouth for a while before raising the question.

 

"A lot, Mark. When you're not here, I have to go to this and that house non-stop with my Madame, without any sign of pause. After I graduate, they want me to get hands-on business training. Are they crazy!? I ain't ready yet." He grumbles as he lets out a giggle.

 

"Isn't training good for you?" I reply smilingly.

 

"If this job were really good, you probably wouldn't have left me and gone so far away for your studies." P'Pol points out, as if upset at me.

 

"I didn't leave you. I just passed the entrance exams and gained admission."

"Whatever." He says and frowns at me.

 

"Why are you so bitter nowadays?" I turn to ask my elder cousin.

"This is just how I am." He turns and replies to me.

 

"No wonder you aren't dating anyone." I retorted.

 

"Don't misunderstand, my beloved bro. I've got a lot of friends, actually. If you don't believe me, go out with me tonight." P'Pol smiles at me smilingly.

 

"Mom would allow it?"

"Your mom's always letting you do what you want, no?" P'Pol over and asks.

 

"I meant your mom."

 

"As long as I tell her that you're going, Madame will probably arrange a special carriage for you. She spoils you even more than me." P'Pol says sullenly.

 

"So you're using me as an excuse to go out, huh?"

"Don't catch on so quickly, little bro."

 

It's a bit past 9 pm, and I come out to the pub with my elder cousin. The pub belongs to P'Pol's friend. I used to sneak in here often during high school, but stopped coming ever since getting caught by my mom. My cousin leaves me at the Bar area and goes up to the second floor to meet his friend. I suggest going with him, but he doesn't allow it. In fact, his friend is one of my exes.

 

I used to be quite the player. Even as a high schooler, I had a string of lovers. Although I dated them one by one, none of them lasted long. Either he or I would get bored. The longest was when I was in 11th grade, and he dumped me. Ever since, I let myself loose.

 

I've gotten used to being dumped or dumping others, but today I realise that's not the case. Having gone through a lot of breakups doesn't mean I've gotten used to it.

 

“Mark, my bro, you've had too much to drink." The cheery voice greets me from my side. I turn my body to look and flash a smile to P'Pac, the owner of the pub I'm sitting in.

 

"I've missed ya, P'Pac," I say with a wheedling smile.

 

"Such a sweet mouth. How many glasses have you had?" He walks over to pull the glass away from my hand and takes a sip.

 

"Not many. I'm not drunk yet."

"But your eyes are red." I take a step back as P'Pac leans his face into me.

 

"Stay away from my cousin. He doesn't like lewd bitches." P'Pol pulls P'Pac away by the collar. The little guy turns to his friend and complains. I smile knowingly to my elder cousin. I don't like them, but he does.

 

We moved up to sit on the second floor. 'Pol came over to us late, as he was waiting for P'Pac to handle some matter and reserve a table for us. P'Pac grumbles that I didn't let him know in advance that I was coming, but then P'Pol chides him, making him feel upset.

 

"Well, well, what's going on, brother?" I turn to ask the elder one once the pub's owner walks over to instruct his staff. My cousin looks on after the little guy, before flashing a light smile.

 

"As you can see." He replies nonchalantly and shrugs his shoulders.

"Are you serious?" I ask out loud against the loud music.

"Why? Are you envious?"

 

"No..." My voice stiffens upon hearing Pol asking me back.

 

"P'Pac's a good guy. If you're just thinking of fooling around, I think you'd better not." I look into my elder cousin's eyes and say seriously.

 

"Why'd you guys break up back then?" P'Pol leans back on the sofa and asks me.

 

"P'Pac wanted to end it." The story of P'Pac and me was a long time ago, and it wasn't very long. We talked for just a couple of months. In the end, P'Pac said he wasn't okay with us, so we decided to drift apart. I didn't feel bad, since I had other people to talk to after that. My life back then was extreme in the love department. I got to experiment, to love, and to break up. I learned, though apparently I haven't learned enough.

 

"I'm serious with him." My elder cousin replies.

"And have you told him yet?"

 

"Not yet." I roll my eyes upon hearing my elder cousin's answer.

 

Doesn't he know that he should confess his love quickly to the one he likes? Just go all out. If it doesn't go as planned, you can then lick your wounds like I'm doing now.

 

"Whatcha guys talkin' about?" 'Pac walks over to sit beside me. He raises his arm and wraps it around my neck, before leaning on my shoulder.

 

"That's too much, Pac." I look at my elder cousin who's chiding his friend, and see the image of that other person in his place. The one who reprimands me when I go out with other guys. The one who glares at me with stern eyes when I talk to other guys. The person whom I don't want to think of.

 

"It's not too much the way I see it," P'Pac says, before letting go of me. The face I like turns to look at my friend and frowns.

 

"Why you..." My elder cousin says just that and goes away.

 

I look on after P'Pol and turn back to look at P'Pac. The small guy frowns and lifts his glass for a sip. The pretty and sweet face a while ago changes into a gloomy and fed-up one.

 

"P'Pac...you know that P'Pol likes you, right?" I ask the one beside me.

 

"It's so obvious, I'd be a fool not to know."

"So why don't you date?" I query on.

 

"It's not that easy, Mark. My business and my family, it's better that we just keep things as they are, going our own separate ways." P'Pac replies.

 

"But if you guys love each other..."

 

"It's not just the word love. It's not like when we were younger and flirted around, just saying we love each other, cuddling, and sleeping together. 

 

That's not enough." P'Pac tells me, his sweet eyes looking at me, conveying his feelings. It's the feeling that I used to have—a chaotic, jumbled, and exhausting mess. But there's something I detect in P'Pac's eyes. He's simply not up for it.

 

"Why don't you try..."

 

"Why try? Giving yourself hope even though you know how things will end? If falling in love means you'll feel more pain than at the beginning, then I'll pass." P'Pac smiles at me after he finishes talking. It's a smile that numbs me. 

 

The pretty-colored drink suddenly has no taste, even though it should be flavorful. It feels as if the energy drains away from my hands, even though I grip them tightly. My heart seems to stop beating, even though I feel hurt. P'Pac is right about everything. 

 

 In the end, what I received was pain.