Love Mechanics

Chapter 21. Feelings.

 

[Vee Vivis]

 

"Mark...Mark!"

 

"Don't follow!" James grabs hold of my arm before I can follow Mark. I swipe my arm away from the guy who has a half-Thai face and look at him. I don't care where I am at the moment, nor do I care who's here. All I want is to go and see Mark.

 

"The fuck's with you, man? Let me go see him!"

 

"You have no right to do so ever since you stood there kissing your ex-wife!" James shouts back. I look at Ploy, who looks back at me, perplexed. Her small hand reaches out and holds me nervously.

 

"Vee...calm down."

 

"Ploy, go away for now," I tell the petite one while also glaring at her till she walks away.

 

"Where do you think you're going?" James grabs hold of my arm. I turn around irritably, before strongly swiping my arm away from his grasp.

 

"What's with you, poking your nose in other people's business?" I turn and say stiffly to my junior colleague.

 

"For me, Mark isn't just like other people." He replies in an equally stiff manner. The eyes that glare at me make me realise how important Mark is to him. I admit that friendship is a very noble thing, but judging by the look in his eyes, it's probably something beyond friendship. Just one thought that flashes into my head, a crazy thought, is enough to make me tighten my fists till they're numb. I veer my eyes to glance at him once more, before walking away to look for the one whom I also deem important, no less than he does.

 

"The hell's going on!?" Yeewa walks in and grabs Ploy's hand before heading back out. Her pretty eyes glance towards me and then to James.

 

"Ask your friend and his ex-wife... no, ask him and his wife." James forces a wry smile and looks at Ploy, who has an anxious expression on her face.

 

"What the hell were you guys doing?" Yeewa lets go of Ploy and walks towards me. "I asked what the hell you guys were doing?! Why did Mark walk away in tears like that?" Yeewa yells into my face.

 

"l...

"They were kissing, and Mark saw them." 

 

Yeewa veers her eyes towards me as soon as James finishes talking.

 

"Really?" My friend's sweet voice asks softly.

"Yeah."

 

Pow!

 

The fair-skinned hand crashes on my face as soon as I admit. Yeewa strikes me on the same cheek as James did, and I can only feel numbness now. Ploy calling out my name doesn't get my attention as much as Mark's facial expression when he looked at me just now, with eyes that conveyed disappointment and tears flowing down his face before he walked away.

 

"Isn't this a bit too much, Yeewa? What's all this for?" Ploy walks to me, her hand holding my cheek as she asks Yeewa. But Ploy turns and frowns at me when I veer my face away from her soft hand.

 

"Have you guys broken up? Or are you screwing each other again? What the hell are you guys doing!?" Yeewa doesn't reply, but instead yells out the questions.

 

"Yeewa, calm down." Kla walks over to grab the small arm that appears to be ready to slap at any moment.

 

"You've gone out of his life, but why did you come back again, Ploy? Things were just about to get better, but why are you making things worse!?"

 

"Vee and I have broken up." Ploy answers.

 

"Then why the kissing? Why do you kiss in front of his wife even though you guys have broken up?" Yeewa shouts out the question.

 

"Wife?...Mark?" Ploy looks up and asks me, to which I nod and slowly peel her small hand off my arm.

 

"Let go of me, Ploy. I'm gonna go see Mark." I tell the petite one, who now has tears brimming at the edge of her eyes.

 

"Think carefully about what you're gonna say before going, and also what you're gonna do next. My friend's not a toy." James turns and says to me before I walk past Kla and go outside. Yeewa looks at me before looking at Ploy.

 

"I really don't want you to go see him, Vee. My junior is too precious for you to have." Yeewa says, and then bumps Ploy's shoulder as she walks away.

 

"Just talk things out slowly, man. You can calm your mind somewhere first. He ain't going anywhere." Kla walks to me and mentions.

 

"I also used to think that way, that he wouldn't turn his back on me, but it's not the case today," I answer my friend before heading out.

 

"I'm sorry, Vee." The tug at my shirt prompts me to turn back and look. Ploy is whimpering quietly while apologising to me.

 

"It's okay, Ploy. This is my fault." I peel the small hand away from my shirt and walk away.

 

I walk out to the parking lot to find the junior's tall figure, though he's nowhere to be seen. I want to say many things to him, to explain things to him, even though he may not want to listen. I want to pull him in for an embrace and wipe his tears, and to tell him that there's nothing between me and her, and that from now on, there will only be him.

 

Ploy walked in and asked for one last kiss from me. A kiss like we're still in love, a kiss to reminisce about the good feelings we used to have for one another. Ploy leaned in to kiss me first, and I responded. I was taken aback at first, but upon seeing the pleading eyes of the one whom I used to love so much, my heart gave in. If someone's to blame, then it should be me.

 

I know that Mark wants clarity from me and that he doesn't like Ploy interfering with me. I decided to kiss Ploy to end our drawn-out relationship and mark a new beginning for both of us. I don't know how long we were kissing, but it was long enough for Mark to walk in and witness it.

 

"Fuckin' hell!" I curse out before rubbing my hair with my hand. How's Mark doing now? How much will he misunderstand me? Will he forgive me?

"Vee." I turn to look at the one who walks out to see me. My friend's handsome face stops in front of me, and he looks at me wearily.

 

"What? Are you gonna punch me too?" I ask Pond, who's staring at me.

 

"Let's take care of your wound before going to see him," Pond says, and walks over to touch my shoulder, though I swipe his hand away.

 

"Where is he!? I don't even know where he is. Do you think I'm bothered about taking care of my wound!?" I yell at him, though Pond remains calm. He lets out a sigh before walking over to hug me.

 

"I know you're sad, I know you feel guilty, but you can't go in this condition, Vee. At least you've gotta think things through first." Pond says, while I push him away and raise my hand to wipe my tears away cursorily.

 

I don't know when my tears started to flow. All I know is that right now my heart is so weary, and I know that Mark is feeling a similar agony.

 

"I wanna go see him, Pond," I say to my friend in a trembling voice.

 

"Okay. I'll take you to him." Pond accompanies me to Mark's dormitory. I stand in front of the room that I've been coming to frequently and going from recently. I ring the doorbell and wait for the person inside to open the door, though he doesn't come out despite us having waited for a long time. I decide to raise my hand to knock on his door, apologising to him profusely and asking for a chance to explain myself. But silence is the response I receive.

 

"Maybe he's not in the room," Pond says to me.

"Where else could he be? This is his room." I turn to tell my friend.

 

"I told you to calm down your mind first." Pond suggests to me.

 

"I can't stand it anymore, Pond. My heart's breaking into pieces. I want to explain to him so badly." I want to see his face, to tell him everything that's on my mind, and to explain everything to him so that he'd understand me. But at the moment, I cannot.

 

I slump onto the floor in front of the room, leaning my back against the door and lifting my hands to cover my face. I let the tears silently flow down, hoping they would soothe my aching heart, though they don't make me feel any better at all.

 

"You...uh...just go home," I say to Pond, who's standing nearby and looking at me.

 

"What about you?"

 

"I'm gonna wait for him here..." I say to my friend softly, wiping my tears away as I look towards the elevator. "Like he waited for me."

 

"You're really..." Pond swallows his chiding words when I look up at him. He curses out a swear word before rubbing his face with his hand and turning away. Right now I'm the only one left...just me all by myself.

 

I turn to look at the door that obstructs us. Behind it is a room that every square inch is filled with our memories. I want to enter that room, at least to see the place we spent time together, or to hug the pillow that he used. But right now, all I can do is wait for him.

 

I waited for him...like he once waited for me. I take out my phone and make a call. The other line still cannot be reached. I don't have his friends' numbers, neither James' nor Wind's, as Mark has only introduced me to them as a faculty senior. He's never told anyone about my other status with him. No one has known about our story because of me. It's me who wasn't clear enough for him to trust.

 

I have no idea how much time has elapsed, but I'm still sitting there at the same place, waiting for Mark, who still hasn't returned. It may already be a few hours past the new day, but my mind still thinks of the previous one. I recall well the events of the last few hours. Every word still lingers in my mind. Mark's every action and movement is still imprinted in my eyes.

 

"P'Vee..." I slowly look up at the one calling my name. My groggy eyes open wide when I see who the person is.

 

"Mark!" I prop myself up, about to step towards the one I've been waiting for, but he steps away from me.

 

I have no idea where Mark's been. Behind him stand Nuea and James. I don't pay any attention to them, even though they both look at me. My eyes are solely fixed on Mark, though he is stepping away from me.

 

"Let me in the room, please." He takes about two steps back—our distance increases, like our relationship. Polite and plain words are uttered from the pretty mouth I used to kiss. The eyes I used to stare into are calm, with no hint of sparkle, no longer conveying any good feelings to me.

 

"Listen to me...listen to me first." I step towards him. My hand reaches out, intending to hold his hand, but the one in front of me avoids and steps further away.

 

"P'Ploy's room is over there," Mark says to me before entering his room. His slim finger points to the neighbouring room, which belongs to my ex-girlfriend. The corner of his lips flinches when I look at his eyes. I don't know what facial expression I make, but right now I'm feeling so painful.

 

"I came to see you, Mark. I've been waiting for you." I say to him before he steps into the room. Even though my voice trembles or my energy has depleted, I want to talk to him.

 

The pretty eyes look at me for a brief moment before looking towards his friend and Nuea. Those oval eyes don't look at me again, not even once. He looks at those two and unfurls a smile.

 

"Thank you for seeing me off," Mark says to Nuea with a smile. Nuea nods and smiles back.

 

"You want me to keep you company?" James asks Mark, but Mark gives him a thin smile and shakes his head.

 

"No."

"Ya sure you'll be alright?"

 

"Yeah."

 

Following Mark's reply, the door shut. I haven't had the chance to mention anything, nor plead with him. I couldn't even see the person who walked inside. All I could do was look at the door.

 

The one I was waiting for has disappeared into the room. I want to call it our room, but I cannot. The story of Mark and me did not begin properly. I admit that I initially did not want to continue what I'd started, but right now...I don't want our story to end.

 

I raise my hands and rub my face. This moistness at the corner of my eyes is as annoying as the two people who are looking at me. I deal with my face, and then turn back to lock eyes with Nuea and James. Nuea feels sorry for me. I know...because everything is conveyed through his eyes, while James is probably sneering at me in his mind.

 

"Ya wanna head back with me?" Nuea walks towards me and extends his hands. But I don't do myself any favours by ignoring them.

 

"No," I reply calmly, before slowly lowering myself to sit down.

 

"Go back and calm your mind first, Vee. If he wants to talk to you, he will." Nuea suggests it to me, though I don't budge. I look up at him stiffly to tell him not to bother me.

 

"Then, when exactly would he want to talk? What if he wants to talk to me an hour later, and I head back, then I won't be able to talk to him." I retorted.

 

"And from what you've seen, does it look like he wants to talk to you anytime soon?" My college junior points out, his ice-cold eyes glaring at me, his lips flashing a wry smile, numbing me.

 

"How's he doing?" I ask, before placing my hand on the door. Although my back is leaning against it, and we're so near each other, I cannot sense what Mark is doing, nor how he feels.

 

"Not good..." James replies to me.

 

"I don't know how Mark is feeling right now. He was crying when I met him, and was still crying when I took him out. He cried till he fell asleep, not saying anything to me." Nuea says.

 

I feel a coldness on the sides of my cheeks. It must be my tears that are streaming down. My heart feels as if it's being squeezed so tight, with no sign of relenting. Just the description of how hard he'd been crying, and thinking of the reason that made him cry, as well as the person behind it, is enough to make my heart ache so badly.

 

"Vee...are you okay?"

"No...I'm not okay."

 

Nuea takes me back home. I want to object and refuse to leave there, but I don't have enough strength. Everyone in my house is asleep, including my brother, since it's already 3 or 4 in the morning. My friend helps me over to my bedroom. He looks at me and lets out a sigh.

 

"You warned me, man..." I say to Nuea after the silence befalls upon us. "You warned me, but I was the fool."

 

"You should take some rest, Vee. Give yourself some time and think things through before deciding what to do next. If you're not satisfied with the situation now, and you think it's too difficult, then stop." My friend and I don't really talk much sense, nor do we often share our feelings, since we can usually know how the other feels just by looking into their eyes and seeing their demeanour.

 

"Can't you tell? I'm suffering this much pain, and you really think I wanna stop!?" I scoff at Nuea. The tears that had just stopped a while ago start streaming down again.

 

"Take a rest first, Vee. Sleep first. If you don't want to quit, then you can go and see him later." Nuea sighs before telling me.

 

"He doesn't wanna talk to me anymore. He doesn't even wanna look at my face. The way he looked at me just now made me feel so weak."

 

"That's why I'm telling you to sleep first. Get some rest and then think about your next move." Nuea walks over to me before pushing down my shoulder, though I resist. Who could fall asleep now?

 

"But..."

"I told you to sleep!"

 

"The fuck's with you guys!?" P’Yoo walks over and shouts at me. The door that was left agape enabled him to see what we were up to. 

 

"P'Yoo..."

 

"What's with you?" He enters the room and looks at me, though I avoid his gaze. "I asked you what's with you!?"

 

"What's going on, Yoo? Why all the ruckus...oh my, Vee!" Mother complains as she walks into my room, before standing in the middle of the room to see how I'm doing. I don't want to think of my condition at the moment, but from my mom's reaction, it must mean I'm not in good shape.

 

"What happened to your brother?" Father turns to ask Yoo.

 

"I dunno. He doesn't reply to my questions as to what's up with him." Yoo answers Dad, before asking Nuea, who doesn't say anything as he looks at me.

 

"Mom..."

 

I stop paying attention to my friend's gaze. I stop thinking about what my brother and dad say. I turn to the one who's looking at me with sympathetic eyes that understand my feelings. That woman...the one whom I want to hug the most at the moment.

 

"What's wrong, dear? What happened to my dear Vee?" Mom asks me and sits down beside me. Her small hand wraps around my back and pulls me close to her. I place my head on her narrow shoulder before letting my tears flow again.

 

"I feel hurt. Hick..! I feel really hurt, Mom." I plant my face into her neck and scent her unique body smell, the fragrance that I've been accustomed to since childhood—my mother's lovely scent.

 

"Go outside first, both dad and Yoo.  Nuea as well, dear. Thanks for bringing Vee here." I don't know whether the people instructed to go out actually went outside. I don't know what kind of face my dad made. All I did was to sob silently as I leaned on my mom's shoulder.

 

"I love him...hick...love."

 

"Who do you love, dear? Who is it? Just tell that person, then, and ask the person whether the feeling is mutual." My mom rubs my back to console me. Her sweet voice whispers the question and gives advice.

 

"He loves me...but doesn't allow me to confess my love," I speak into my mom's shoulder and let the tears continue to stream down. She raises her hand and rubs my head for a long while, then gradually lowers it and pushes me away.

 

"Then...tell me about him."

 

I start telling the story of Mark and me to my mother. From the day I first saw him entering the engineering faculty, walking together with the faculty's Prom King designate, I knew he was special. I tell her about the cute smile he flashes at the corner of his lips when he talks with his close friends, or even when he beams a big smile till his eyes are barely open upon getting teased by seniors.

 

I let her know that behind the calm face, how bright and lively my Mark is, up till the day that I mistreated him, by which he's since had a quiet demeanour, not expressing his feelings, as if he doesn't have any emotions at all. He sometimes is so out of it that I feel guilty when looking at him. So I decided to approach him, and we started exchanging many things, while he also helped me out a lot. I tell my mother that Mark has enabled me to sense another feeling, a feeling of unconditional love, without expecting anything in return.

 

Mark never asked anything of me, even though he had every right to, just like anyone else. He never claimed any right over me, nor did he ever complain whenever I upset him. It's only me...who did the complaining, me who ruined everything despite Mark's best efforts to hold everything together. Mark was so patient for so long, only for me to destroy everything in just a few minutes.

 

"Mark must be so special to you, right? I could tell from that time. I admit that I was upset that I didn't like seeing you together with Mark."

 

"Mom..." I utter to the one in front of me in a soft voice. My throat is very dry. I don't want my mother to tell me to cut ties with him or to quit him.

 

"Vee...you're in the wrong." She reaches out her hand and wipes my tears away. The beautiful woman moves closer and places her hand on my cheek. "You did wrong to Ploy, and also to Mark. Do you know that you've hurt them both? And right now, you're hurting yourself, too."

 

"l..."

 

"If you've stopped loving Ploy, then don't do what you did. And if you love Mark, then you have to show it to him." Mother tells me and places her hand on my shoulder.

 

"Mark won't talk to me anymore, Mom. I waited all night for him, but when he got back, he avoided me. I'm hurt, Mom...hurt." I say to my mother, and look at those pretty pairs of eyes. Although it's blurry and unclear due to the tears that obstruct my sight, mom's caring visibly shines through.

"You have to be patient, Vee. He's still waiting for you and can transform you into a new person. You have to show him that you've changed, that your heart has changed. You have to make him know...that he's the only one in your heart." Mom says, before squeezing my shoulder to give moral support.

 

"You...don't disapprove?"

 

"At first, I wanted to object, but upon seeing you being happy, I couldn't bring myself to do so. If you're happy when you're with him, then I won't prohibit."

 

“And dad..."

 

"It's not up to mom or dad, it's up to you." The deep voice sounds out from the front of the door. Dad...

 

"Right now, just go get him back first. The important thing now is that you've gotta show him that you love him." My dad approaches me and puts his hand on my shoulder.

 

"Dad and I just want you to be happy. Don't worry, Vee." Mom draws a thin smile and says to me before standing up. Her pretty eyes gaze in my direction like my dad's. The one I view as most handsome raises his hand to rub my head.

 

"Stay with your brother tonight, Yoo." Dad turns to say to Yoo before walking out.

 

"Take a rest, dear. Go see him in the morning, okay?" Mom says, and plants a kiss on my forehead. She sends me a sweet smile, as if to say Have sweet dreams. Her fair-skinned hand caresses my cheeks a couple more times before she follows my dad out.

 

Mom and Dad have left, and only silence remains in the room. Yoo is still standing in the same corner, while I am still sitting on the bed. He looks towards me, though I don't dare to look at him.

 

"Are you gonna chide me?" I look up and ask my brother. He flashes a smile before walking towards me.

 

"Are you hurt...?" He lifts my chin and uses his finger to touch the wound at the corner of my mouth gently.

 

"You're not gonna chide me?" I look up at him. He lets out a sigh before stretching his body and then places his hand on my head.

 

"I won't kick my brother while he's down." He says, and presses my head down against his stomach. "Whether he's good or bad, I still love my brother." He rubs my head while I sob. I cry out again. It's the warmth that I'm undeserving of, the love I shouldn't be feeling. These things make me think of Mark even more.

 

He must be lying down alone on the large bed, without me to hug. He must be feeling lonely and forlorn. Would he have stopped crying by now?

 

"Yoo..." I pull myself away from my brother's stomach. He looks down at me, as if waiting for me to continue talking. "I miss Mark." 

 

"Sigh~ What did he say?" Yoo lets out a sigh and sits down beside me.

"He didn't say anything. He didn't even look at my face." I told him.

 

I think of our last encounter and feel heartache, my tears about to stream down once again. If just seeing him ignore me and being cold to me makes me hurt this much, then how much pain would he have felt upon seeing me with Ploy?

 

"Wait for him to calm down first," Yoo says and throws himself onto the bed.

 

"I'm afraid of his mind." I look down at my hands and utter softly. Mark seems predictable, but that's exactly what he tries to convey on the surface. Every time I look into his eyes, I know how he feels towards me. Every time we talk, I know what he wants. He's been straightforwardly expressing himself. But this time it's different. There are no yearning eyes nor sarcastic comments that reveal how he feels. Only those calm, cold pairs of eyes that glanced at me just once.

 

"You're the one who tied this knot, so you've gotta untie it yourself," Yoo says behind me.

 

What Yoo say’s is true, like what mom said. I'm in the wrong, and I'm the one who got myself into this mess. I was the one who approached Mark, and I'm a fool for making Mark step away. No matter how painful it is, I've got to absorb it myself. No matter how much I have to cry out to make myself feel better, I'll have to. Even if I have to kneel to ask for Mark's forgiveness, I will. I have to make Mark see for himself that I love him just as much as he loves me.