Lately, It's Winter Season.

Chapter 37 - A Beautiful Bouquet

Tiger’s continued studies in Chiang Mai made me feel disappointed. He had been in Hong Kong for two years, and he had barely enjoyed his return before leaving again. However, time passed, and things gradually improved. Day by day, I buried myself in work and drank with Ben.

But then the unexpected happened. Ben and I had been together for more than ten years, never separated or had any serious arguments. Then suddenly he changed. He didn't come to work, and when he did, he didn't talk to me, as if he was deliberately avoiding me for almost a month. I didn't understand what I had done wrong. Even though I wanted to talk things out, he just avoided me.

“What?” I raised my eyebrows in surprise, almost not believing what I was hearing, “Ben quit his job?”

“Yes. The master is considering it, but Brother Ben is determined to retire.”

I stood up and slammed my hand on the table, startling the person standing at the door.

“What did my dad say?”

“It seems like the master is also inclined to let him rest.”

Hearing that, I clenched my fist and shouted at the other person to get out. Because I saw Ben's strange behaviour, I had someone follow him, but I didn't expect him to really quit. Why…? We've worked together for more than ten years…

I decided to call Ben. He had never missed my calls before, but lately he had hardly ever done so. I had to go through someone else to get in touch with him, and that didn't make sense to me. Finally, it picked up.

“Come see me now.”

“I'm busy.”

“Who permitted you to take another job? You are my secretary.”

“I want to accept it myself. Let's talk about it another time.”

Then he hung up. I gritted my teeth, so angry that I wanted to smash things in the room. I immediately asked someone to investigate where he was working and went there myself, regardless of his work situation.

“Ben is going alone.”

“…”

This idiot… Want to die?

“It seems to be the master's orders. He said if Ben completes the mission alone, he will be allowed to leave the state.”

“He definitely left, but he left as a corpse,” I muttered, my heart burning with worry that something would happen to the idiot. Why would he want to leave the state so badly? And why was he stupid enough to go on a mission alone without telling me? When we were almost there, I told the driver to stop and drove ahead.

The mission this time was to steal goods from two rival gangs during their exchange. I wasn’t sure what the goods were, but why was it given to Ben alone? I knew my dad didn’t want Ben to leave either, because he was a good subordinate, so he gave him this crazy mission. If he wanted to leave, he had to do it; if he didn’t, he couldn’t go. And if he died, so be it. If he wanted to leave the gang, he had to do it himself.

I quietly entered the abandoned shipyard. When the gunshots rang out, I knew something was wrong. There were two possibilities: either the other two gangs couldn’t come to an agreement, or Ben had been discovered. I quickly took out the guards outside and stealthily walked toward the sound of gunfire.… Ben.

Ben was panting, drenched in blood. He held a gun in one hand and a large bag in the other, hiding behind a large pillar at the edge of the factory, near the woods. He must have intended to run into the woods, but his body was starting to give out…The noise of the crowd grew louder.

Ben tried to get up to continue running away, but I rushed over, picked him up on my back and ran straight into the wild forest.

“Cough… Damn it, you… Where did you come from?”

I said nothing. It had been a long time since I had run away like this, but there was no other way. In Ben’s condition, I couldn’t fight two gangs and protect him at the same time. And he was in a bad way, too. Sometimes running away was the best option.

I ran until I was sure I was clear of the group before I gently placed Ben against a tree. His eyes were only half open, blood running down his forehead and down his face. His left arm was grazed, and his leg was also hit.

I took off my shirt, leaving only a black tank top inside, then tore the shirt into pieces to bandage and stop the bleeding.

“Cough… Sob…”

“It's okay, Ben.” I placed my hand on his forehead, brushing his hair back so I could see his face better.

“I’m here. Rest for ten minutes, and then I’ll carry you again.” I tried to comfort him to ease his tension, but Ben turned away and handed me his bag.

“Take this and give it to the boss. From now on, I am no longer your secretary.”

“…”

 I was speechless, not knowing what to say, “Why didn't you just talk to me?”

“I just… I don't want to see you anymore.”

For some reason, my chest felt tight.

“What did I do wrong? What did I do to you? Tell me.” I asked, fighting back tears.

“You are not wrong.”

“…”

“It's my fault… It's my fault for falling in love with a fool like you.”

“…”

“You’re getting engaged, and I just want to get away.” Ben turned away, looking exhausted. He had lost a lot of blood. “We kissed three times. Remember?”

“…I-I…”

I couldn’t speak because I had absolutely no memory, “Really, Ben? I… I’m sorry, I don’t remember anything.”

“You're drunk. Oh well, what does it matter? You're engaged, you'll get married soon.” Ben chuckled.

I was stunned, speechless. I was forced to get engaged to the daughter of another gang to strengthen the relationship between the two gangs. I didn't love her, and neither did she. We both saw it as a political deal. Besides, I never thought that Ben would…

“Ben, are you serious?”

“If I survive this and can leave you, I will probably forget about it. I will go somewhere else, find a lover, get married, have a family… And we will never see each other again.” Ben’s eyes were dull, his words hanging in the air.

I regained my composure, carried him on my back and continued walking. In the forest with no clear path, I walked on instinct, trying to find a way out as quickly as possible. Ben was injured, and I also had to avoid being seen by the others.

“But I love you so much, Sing.”

Ben's voice gradually weakened before he passed out.

*****************

I woke up in the hospital and saw Sing sitting next to me. He was asleep, still holding all the papers in his hand. I wasn't sure how long I was unconscious, but I didn't think it was too long because I wasn't that weak.

I pressed the nurse call button, which woke Sing up. I ignored him, acting as if he wasn’t even in the room. Just like I had been thinking for the past month that maybe there was hope between us, that perhaps I still had a chance.

But unexpectedly, as soon as the boss ordered him to get married, he immediately agreed. I can't bear to see him get married. Let alone marriage, even now, I can't bear to look at him. 

The image of Sing's face when we were close, when our lips touched three times, is still imprinted in my mind. That's why I deliberately avoid him. Not only because I feel sorry for myself, but because I don't want to see the person who kissed me so gently that day getting married to someone else in just a few months.

I had planned to leave just like that, but who would have thought that at the moment of death, I would dare to say all my feelings. I knew that Sing did not love her, but who could be sure about the future? Moreover, this was a genuine marriage, a legal union that I could only have dreamed of.

Ten years of secret love ends here. I decided to leave… I wonder if Sing will keep me. I think not, but in my heart I secretly pray that he will keep me, that he will say he loves me and won’t let me go.

“Your bullet-riddled leg will probably need some physical therapy.”

“Yes.” I nodded, “How long will it take?”

“The doctor will come to discuss the details this afternoon. Do you have any questions?”

“No. Thanks a lot.”

The nurse smiled and left after briefly explaining my condition and treatment. As soon as the door closed, Sing—who was still trying to stay calm—spoke up.

“Ben! Why do you keep ignoring me? I've been calling you for a while now, are you deaf?!”

He screams at the slightest thing and yells when he's not happy. No one can stand it as long as I can. That wife-to-be? Don't even dream about it.

“What did I say?”

“…”

“Go away. I don't want to see you.”

“Why?” Sing stared at me, “Because you like me?”

“Yeah. Because it can't happen, Sing.” I replied, my voice losing patience. “You can't give me that, so let me go. I'm not your subordinate anymore.”

“No,” Sing said, his voice firm. “You are still mine.”

"Huh?"

“The thing you stole, that damn diamond, is still with me.” His face gradually turned cold. I knew clearly that it was an expression of extreme patience, 

“I won’t give it to dad. No matter what, you have to stay with me.”

“Are you crazy?” I frowned, asking in confusion, 

“Don’t you understand what I just said? I like you. I love you, and it’s not in a friendly way, and you’re getting married. You want me to sit and watch you be happy with her?”

“I’m not happy!” Sing shouted this time, “If I don’t love her, how can I be happy? This is just a marriage between two gangs. If I marry her, my gang will have more influence over them and will have less trouble.”

“I’m willing to suffer,” I said, trying to hold back my tears while Sing was also trying to control himself, 

“I’m willing to suffer, willing to work hard if you want to expand your power. I don’t care what I have to do, as long as I can be with you. We kissed. You were drunk that day, but you made me hope. No, actually I’ve been hoping for a long time, since the first time I met you… more than ten years ago.” I poured out everything that was in my heart.

“…”

“My feelings are bothering you, aren't they?” I laughed bitterly, “Then give that diamond to your father, and I'll disappear.”

“No.” Sing turned away, avoiding my gaze, “I’m not letting you go anywhere.”

“…”

“You are my only friend, Ben. Why? We have always been friends. Through good times and bad, through life and death together… why did you leave me?”

“So you only kept me around because of friendship?” I laughed bitterly, “I told you everything, and you didn’t hear anything? I love you, you idiot! I love you as a lover, not as a friend! Understand? I can be with you for life or death, but I can’t bear to see you with someone else!”

“I'm not with her. It's just a marriage in name only. I'll still be with you.”

“Then why didn’t you just say no from the start, Sing?!” I snapped, feeling annoyed by his roundabout words, “What are you thinking? What about my feelings? How do you feel about me? Just say it! You always said you were straightforward! So stop beating around the bush!”

“I…” Sing looked hesitant. It was that hesitant look that made my heart clench. If he had hesitated… the answer would have been obvious.

“Sing… Sob…” I couldn’t hold back my tears anymore. “Then what about that gentle kiss… did it mean anything to you?”

“I… I’m sorry, Ben. I don’t remember that kiss at all.” Sing’s face looked extremely apologetic. He fell when he saw me crying, and it was the first time I cried in front of him, “And about love… Ben, you’re my best friend. I can’t lose you.”

“…”

“Ben, please… don't go.”

“Get out.”

“Ben… hic… Ben… I beg you… Without you, what would I do…”

“Ha… You’re so selfish.” I laughed bitterly, “Get out. Whether you give that diamond to your dad or not is fine, but I’m going. I don’t care if your dad sends someone to hunt me down. But if I end up dying… then let you be the one to pull the trigger.”

“Ben… give me a chance. Don't go yet. Give me time to think… I don't understand anything right now.”

“Give you a chance? Let me watch you get married? If you hesitate… I understand, Sing.”

And then Sing disappeared.

During my entire rehabilitation, I never saw a trace of him—just as I had said. Someone told me that the diamond had been sent to the boss. That meant I was now free. I was no longer someone's lackey or right-hand man. No more memorising Sing's schedule, no more risking my life for any mission.

…Ha, I thought it would be better if I could escape. But when I finally got free, I missed the days I spent with him.  No matter how badly I was injured, it had never hurt as much as it did now. Just someone who doesn't love me. What should I do?

I have planned to start over in New Zealand—a peaceful and simple life. Hopefully, no one will find me there. My current savings are enough to last me until old age, but I may find a simple job to fill my time. One day, if I forget Sing, I can find someone good to spend the rest of my life with.

In Singapore, I could never dream of such a life. But if you ask me what I like more, I like the days of rushing into danger with it more.

I said I didn't want to see him, but deep down, I just wanted to see him one last time before leaving. Just saying goodbye would be fine. I just blame my mouth, saying it myself and then feeling hurt.

I sat there waiting for the last minute before boarding the plane. The announcement came on the loudspeaker. I looked around one last time and saw no one. I sighed in disappointment, grabbed my luggage and walked away.

Behind a large pillar, Sing stood silently, watching, as his heart squeezed. He was wearing the most elegant suit he had, holding the most beautiful bouquet in the shop. He had prepared so many things to say. But as soon as he saw that face, everything disappeared.

Ultimately, it was annulled. At first, he agreed to the marriage just for the sake of the gangs. He had no intention of falling in love, so he didn't mind marrying a stranger. But when he remembered Ben's tearful face, he couldn't bear to go through with the wedding. It seemed… it destroyed everything. Whether it was ten years or hundreds of memories spent together… they were all broken.

It still didn't know what its feelings for Ben were, if it were friendship, sure. But beyond that? I didn't know. I really didn't know. If it ran over now, it would definitely be chased away.

And then, he watched Ben disappear. Only the beautiful bouquet in his hand remained, now meaningless.