I Feel You Linger In The Air

Chapter 14 - Affection

I have no idea how long I have been standing here, dumbfounded, as my brain was flooded with so much shocking information that it couldn't process everything all at once. It is not true, right? Did I mishear it?

Khun-Yai's disgruntled expression, his words, and his upset gaze replay in my head. I need time to stomach the other things, but one thing is for sure: he is angry to the point he has lost his composure. I have never seen him this furious, and I am the cause.

With that, I sprint up the stairs, then stop short, realising I am going to make up with him. The question is how. What am I supposed to say to Khun-Yai?

'Don't you know how I feel towards you, Poh-Jom?'

'Should I write you a poem..?'

My blood pumps, making my face and neck burn. I press my arm against my cheek and shut my eyes tightly as if it would help. My heart drums aggressively in my chest, as if it's struggling to do something. And when I ask myself the question Khun-Yai has asked me, the answer simply pops up, honest and shockingly clear.

..Why wouldn't I know? Ever since the first day he held my hand to take the pocket watch back, there has hardly been a day afterwards that I have not felt the feelings he conveyed when we met eyes. His sweet words, his concern, how he took care of things, the flirtation in his actions, all indicated his feelings without words. He hid it as best he could and revealed as much as people in this era were allowed to do.

He was right. I knew it all along, but I never admitted it. Whenever my mind wandered to the matter, I didn't let myself believe. ...Khun-Yai has feelings for me.

The thought gets my knees to buckle. They go weak, and I flop on the step like I am about to faint. My vision blurs, so my shadow looks paler than usual. Despite the incredulity, the tingling in my chest feels so vivid. I dip my chin, hiding the flustered heart and my burning face from everyone. I have to make up with him. That is the only way!

Even so, I need some time to steady my heart. I don't want to see him with my flushed face, showing my feelings and making us awkward. I am older than him, so I should control my emotions and the situation. If he is fire, I need to be water. I force my mind off whatever will waver it and attempt to walk stably through the hall and to Khun-Yai's bedroom.

I knock on the door and call, "Khun-Yai."

Receiving silence as a response, I knock on the door again. "Khun-Yai, I'm sorry."

My voice is neither blunt nor overly pleading. I want him to feel the sincerity in my apology and know that I care about him. No answer. I know Khun-Yai is listening, though. I inhale and continue, "I will never do that again. I will be careful and not let anyone carefreely touch me."

After a moment, the door is pushed open. Khun-Yai stands there with his hands behind his back, still looking bitter. He doesn't look at me directly, but I think his anger has abated somewhat. He wouldn't act this way, otherwise. He would have burned a hole in my body with his stare.

"Khun-Yai, please don't be mad." I brave up in front of the tiger, a sizeable young tiger. "It worries me when you're mad."

Khun-Yai turns his head to me, his lips slightly pressed together, his eyes as clear as water with a speck of shame. Then, he speaks.

"It is not your fault. I was the one losing control. If I kept you here, no one would look or touch you."

That is all it takes to crush down everything I have fought to keep in check. stare at him without thinking and divert my eyes seconds later. Words spew out of my mouth in disorder. "Khun-Yai.Ah, you've changed your clothes. You're going to the great house, aren't you? Right, I didn't prepare your attire in time. I haven't even brought your snacks. Would you have it now or..What do I do?"

Khun-Yai watches me panic. His intense gaze softens, and a smile returns to his lips. "It is long past snack time, Poh-Jom. I will inform my father of the errand I ran for him and come back in the evening. Wait for me."

"Yes," I reply too energetically, still averting my eyes, unable to meet his gaze too long. Damn... is there anyone in this world who blushes when the other person says he will meet up with his dad? How freaking ludicrous.

The time after that is me showcasing my poor working performance. If I were my employer, I would fire myself with no hesitation. I wish for the ability to focus, but find none. One minute, I sigh nonstop in stress. Another minute, I can't hold my bright smile. I look crazy, and I have been this way from the afternoon to the evening. Fortunately, no one comes to the little house during this time, so I don't have to worry that people will spread the rumour that I might be possessed.

When the sky darkens, I see Khun-Yai walking back. I rise and welcome him as usual, but this time, I am full of nervousness.

I wait until Khun-Yai has bathed and changed into new clothes before entering his room. Khun-Yai sits in a chair in a cotton shirt and satin pyjama pants. A book lies open on his lap. I head to the window to draw the curtain, worrying about his next move. Even if this kind of thing has existed in eras before, they wouldn't have established the terms 'lesbianism' and 'sodomy' otherwise-it must be perfectly concealed. If exposed, you will be the talk of the town. Khun-Yai lost his temper at noon. He might be regretting spitting those words out.

My heart suddenly deflates, and I can only close the curtain in silence. Before I think anymore, Khun-Yai shuts the book, steps towards his bed, and speaks. "Poh-Jom, come and sit here."

I turn to him and decide to sit on the floor beside his bed. Khun-Yai knits his brow slightly, dissatisfied, and orders once more. "I mean, next to me. On my bed."

"Ah..." I open my mouth to protest, but when I see his sharp gaze, I know I can't say no. I get up and settle next to him as told, keeping a proper distance. Khun-Yai turns to pick something from a wrapped handkerchief beside his pillow and places it in my hand. It is a small twig of four Lantoms.

"I brought it for you since you loved putting them next to your pillow." His voice is pleasantly resonant.

I glance down at the ivory flowers in my hand. The scent is fragrant and refreshing. He didn't simply walk past the tree and pick some out. He cut it especially for me, considering the perfect oblique cut at the end of the twig. I look up at him and smile.  "Thank you."

Khun-Yai smiles back, and my heart drops. I wish I could exchange everything I have to possess his smile forever. If only things were as simple.

"Am I troubling you?" Khun-Yai asks.

"What do you mean?"

"About my romantic feelings for you."

My heart races uncontrollably. I fix my eyes on the Lantom twig in my hand, gripping it tightly as if it were my anchor. How do I respond? Do I tell him honestly that my heart is fluttering and melting, or give him a vague answer that I don't mind things like this and just never thought he would have feelings for me?

"If you are repulsed, I will not push or force you."

His words make my head bob up. "It's not like that. I just.." I know right then that I have screwed up. Big time. When I meet his eyes, everything in me liquefies like burning wax. How can he...convey his feelings so intensely through his gaze? We are inches away from each other, but my skin feels hot as if he touches me here and there where his keen eyes land. Heat rushes up my cheeks, and he probably sees it.

"Khun-Yai..." I force the words out, "You like men?"

Khun-Yai pauses before saying, "If you were a woman, I would object. But since you are a man, my answer is presumably yes."

"How come it depends on me?"

"Who else would it depend on when I had never been with any man until I met Poh-Jom?"

Ugh...My heart is melting.

"If you stay silent, I will consider it as you accept my feelings."

I gape. I want to argue with some snappy remarks in revenge for his iniquity, but all I do is protest in a weak voice with zero intrepidity. "This is unfair."

"Unfair?" Khun-Yai scoots close to me. "If you have no feelings for me, look at me and say it."

He clasps my upper arms, forcing me to face him. I drop my eyes, refusing to look at him.

"Look at me."

As if I would do that. This is doubtlessly a trap. If I meet his eyes right now, our sitting positions will definitely change to lying down.

But I underestimate him. Since I won't tip my head up, Khun-Yai leans down instead. Chills run all over my body when his face moves closer and almost touches my cheek. He slides his hands down in a caressing manner.

Where did he learn this? He is already this skilled at the age of eighteen. I don't want to imagine how wicked he will be when he grows older.

"You are... forcing yourself on my heart." I oppose softly, out of strength. My heart shivers as his lips brush my cheek. If I tilt my head a little, our lips will touch, and I will get to taste his lips to find out if they are as sweet as honey as his words. A sensation gathers below my stomach, burns, and spreads. I want to kiss him like crazy. I am about to lose it. God, help me. If I successfully overcome my desire, I will practice vegetarianism for seven days.

"I have not taken advantage of you. How can this be me forcing myself on your heart? I have been patient for all this time and never once laid a finger on you against your will."

"Then give me time to think it over. The matter of love requires time."

Khun-Yai goes quiet, then speaks with an unwilling tone. "If you say so, how can I object?"

I heave a sigh of relief. "Can I sleep in my room in the meantime?"

"Do you not trust me?"

I don't trust either of us, but I won't say that. "If I stay close to you, how can I concentrate on figuring out my feelings?"

Submitting to my reason, he permits me to leave quite reluctantly. I stand up and unhook the curtains from the poles of his bed. Khun-Yai watches me with his arms crossed silently, not saying another word. Once done, I excuse myself.

Before I step out of the door, I am held back by the arms as Khun-Yai embraces me from behind. I stand stiffly, unsettled by his strong arms and the other thing below that presses my backside.

"Let me make certain Poh-Jom will never think of anyone else in the meantime but me."

My heart tingles like I am about to float when he presses his lips on my cheek. He can kiss it and pull back right away, but no. His lips and nose linger there, and I almost fall on my knees. I try my best to get it together so my emotions won't be out of control. I resist his embrace and stutter, 

"Yes...Yes, I will keep it in mind."

And then, I pull myself out of his arms and stride away without looking back. When I am in my room, I clutch my chest. My heart flutters at his touch. The kiss still feels hot on my cheek, not to mention the closeness from his hug. Khun-Yai is enormous.

I cease my wild thoughts by attempting to sleep. I put out the light in the lantern and lie on my mattress, but then I think of the night I let my emotions out with Khun-Yai. It is different this time because I have discovered that the man in my mind also wants me, and the thought burns my skin like a fever.

There are soft knocks from the other side of the wall dividing my room and Khun-Yai's. I can hear it clearly since my mattress is a short distance away.

"Poh-Jom...Are you sleeping?" Khun-Yai asks from the other side.

I answer, "I'm about to."

Silence falls upon us. A moment later, I tug my thin blanket over my head and close my eyes. Although we are only a wall away from each other and I can easily barge into his room to make out with him to my heart's content, I have to hold back, as I don't want to regret it later. Moreover, please don't let me be the one hurting him.

Nevertheless, the flame of desire is not easy to extinguish. The heat fuming in my chest burns relentlessly, sensual and tormenting, and it makes tonight one of the longest nights in my life.

From then on, I feel like my world is different from the one I had days ago. I wake up refreshed in the morning. Everything feels alive, like I have never once experienced grief.

The birds' resounding chirping in the morning, which used to be annoying, now sounds melodious, as if composed by heaven. The flowers bloom everywhere, orange jasmine, night jasmine, Lantoms, and lotuses in the basins. It is as if they have agreed to fan out their petals and spread their scents across every inch of the garden. The muddy swamp at the edge of the river, refusing to be outshone, shows off the water hyacinths in full bloom. I am about to go over the bend, huh?

My dear Khun-Yai doesn't back off either. He used to flirt with me routinely day and night, but I acted dumb the whole time. Now that his feelings are out, every action makes me blush. Before, when our hands or arms touched, it was no big deal because I told myself he didn't mean anything. It is a different story this time. Even the softest touch sends an electric shock, and I am nearly knocked down just by the brush of his fingertips. If he steps up his game, I doubt I will be able to resist.

Today, the Luang has left to work in another district early in the morning, so Khun-Yai has breakfast at the little house. He eats shrimp porridge, a dessert, Ma-hor-pineapple morsels topped with salt-and-sweet stuffing, and finishes off with coffee. I slide a small ceramic jar of sugar to him. "Would you add some sugar?"

"No. It is sweet enough." He locks me with his loving gaze and drinks his coffee. I wish I could cry out, 'Ugh,' for as long as an eternity. That is black coffee. How can it be sweet? How can he flirt even during a meal?

After that, Khun-Yai goes back to his room to change and study English with a foreign teacher at the great house. I descend the stairs, humming joyfully. And then, I halt and stand rigidly on the step.

Everything around me is brightened by the late sunlight. The leaves rustle in the wind. The branches cast their shadows over the grass and the landing. I close my eyes and reopen them to look again intently. I even reach out to pull the orange jasmine twig towards me, yet the sight before me doesn't change. My shadow is paler than everything around me.

I stand there, frozen, in perplexity. A thought pops up in my head, and it stuns me to numbness. This is the first time it occurs to me that I might have never travelled through a wormhole to this era. Spacetime might not have twisted and formed a passage as I speculated. I have just realised another possibility, the one unexplained by science.

Maybe it is not time-travelling. Maybe it is an earthbound spirit shifting to another lifetime. A ghost without a shadow. I have heard the term from some horror books and movies. My shadow is there, but it is pale, not as vivid as all other things in this world, an incomprehensible phenomenon.

Perhaps.. I have been dead since my car plunged into the Ping River, and the body right here is the spirit of the person killed by the unexpected accident. I freeze in place, hearing Khun-Yai's voice from the balcony.

"Poh-Jom, why are you standing there? Is something wrong?"